It's been 4 months since Mom passed away and I feel like I've been climbing a mountain, heading down part way and then seeing another uphill climb. I think I'm feeling better, but then I see the most mundane thing that reminds me of her and I am back at square one.
I am taking time to be completely alone for a short time. I've been able to breathe a bit. It gives me space to devote my time and energy to confront the thoughts/feelings I've been stuffing down so everyone thinks I am moving along. Even with Mom gone I am still "caretaking" at the expense of myself. I didn't realize the effort to fake my demeanor for others was keeping me from feeling anything that might trigger any visible grief. It has been exhausting.
Yesterday I was able to go into the room where Mom died and look through some of the remaining items in there--mostly books and mementos. Of course, I cried, told Mom I missed her and hoped she'd forgive me for sometimes wanting her to die so I could live.
This will sound "out there" to some of you but I have encountered things at my lowest moments that make me wonder if Mom sees my pain and is trying to help. Is it coincidence that I randomly (and I mean really randomly) see or read something that stops me in my tracks? Am I so desperately looking for signs she is still the best Mom in death as she was in life?
Random things I read just opening a book to a random page:
"Do not stand at my grave and cry. I am not there, I did not die"
"Being kind to yourself is one of the greatest kindnesses"
"Often the hardest person to forgive is yourself"
"When the dark clouds come...keep going"
"What is your best discovery? That I'm enough as I am"
"Home isn't always a place is it"?
The randomness requires a leap of faith on my part but the number of encounters makes me wonder.
Anyway... this is where I am on my journey. My mind is quiet enough to muster the courage to look at a photo of Mom, to touch some of her things and sit in my grief without worrying about others. I know it will change when my "alone time" ends but I thought I'd share this time and place with all of you, who have been there and helped me so much.
Accepting that is hard. Somedays I feel really just blue all day and wonder why and then I remember mom's gone and the grief kind of 'hits' me.
There's no right or wrong way to grieve. And no schedule, either. It just is what it is.
I brought some things from her house, and after a couple weeks found that they actually made me feel worse, so I gave some stuff to GoodWill and some I simply boxed up and will re-think them in a few months.
Her apartment is 99% clean and empty. No emotions or memories there. Her estate is almost done being executed and I am refusing my inheritance and giving it to my YB who did the lion's share of CG. I talked to an atty about how to do that correctly, so there would be no 'fuss' of any kind. (My atty was free, since it was my son :) He thinks I should take the inheritance, but I don't feel good about it. Maybe giving it all away will help me to get over the 'bluesy-blues'.
I do believe that our ancestors are still 'with us' and I think your mom is reaching out to you and helping you to know that she is happy & fine and she wants the same for you. Accept those 'random' things that you read or hear. I haven't felt anything from my mom, but I still get warm thoughts from daddy, who died 18 years ago!
Be gentle with yourself. And I will try to be gentle with MYSELF. It's easy to get caught in the sorrow--and our LO's wouldn't want us to.
((Hugs))
I believe that your mom is trying to tell you she is good, your care of her was good, now it's time for you.
Yep, pretty awesome mom!
Just remember that everyone's grieving process is different, so you do you and what is best for you.
And I don't believe that what you're experiencing with "randomly" seeing or reading things are coincidences, but perhaps in fact is your mom reaching out from beyond or even God trying to help you on this journey.
Please continue to take care of yourself and don't try to rush the process.