It's been since 2009 that mom suffered a stroke and became a victim of vascular dementia. It feels much longer than that. Little did I know then that when I moved in to help mom out, what I would be dealing with and who I would become.
My/our days are a monotony of repetitive behaviors and routine. I find that if I put my mind in a sort of numb state, trying not to feel, become detached emotionally, I 'get through it'. I have become used to it now. Sometimes I try to throw in something new for her to make her world a little more rich. But she usually doesn't remember and I find myself wondering, "what's the point"? I think I do it more for me.
I find myself wondering when mom finally passes one day (and I don't know when that will be), will I miss her like so many other children miss their parents. Will I think of her lovingly, like a child should think of their parent. I feel guiltily like I won't and that makes me feel like a horrible person. I sure hope that I eventually will. I think of my mom's future memorial and listening to family and friends comment about what a wonderful person my mother was and how I will respectfully nod and say, "yes she was", while secretly thinking inside of the not-so-wonderful person she became and that I lived with. I hope afterwards that I will no longer think of her as the burden I had and grateful that she is no longer my 'problem'. I so want to. I want to feel love for my mother. I am supposed to, aren't I? I also hope I will learn to love myself again and learn to forgive myself for the ugly person I became at times in taking care of her. And.... I hope I never become that kind of a burden to my children.
Florencel you are now your Mom's decision maker it is up to you to get her the help she needs.. Call your local Elder Affairs and see what services are available. Also let her Dr know she needs help.. Hugs