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Mom has been in SNF for just over two weeks now.



She used to live with me - has for the past three years. Between four ER visits, a stroke in January, a host of other health problems, and now a suspected fall that has left her with limited mobility, she is receiving in-patient rehab largely at my insistence, as she originally just wanted to come back to my house despite being confined to a wheelchair. She is not keen to accept reality, and insists she is "fine" and "can take care of herself".



Fast forward to last night. We had a family caregiver meeting last week, with the social worker, nurse, physical therapist, etc., and started the "journey" towards her ultimate transition to AL. She wasn't overjoyed initially, but by the end of the meeting, seemed to be warming to the idea, albeit slowly. When my brother visited her a few days later, he reported back to me that she was "smiling and talking about the AL places she wanted to visit". Things seemed positive overall.



Last night, I "checked her out" of the facility to take her to dinner (which is permitted). Things were pleasant. We sat down, ordered dinner, and then she said she is "being kicked out in five days". She then further claims she "does not qualify for skilled nursing or assisted living", because she is "perfectly capable of taking care of herself".



I think she is confusing the end of the Medicare fully covered 21 day period. Just for medication management alone, she definitely qualifies for AL, if not more.



But ... it went south from there. By the end of my meal - which I spent mostly protecting the boundary that she cannot come back to my house because she would be unsafe - she had accused me of ruining her life, making her homeless, destroying her financial plans, etc. etc. She said a flurry of other hateful things, essentially keen to cast me as the "bad guy" enough that she would win leverage over me to take back control of the situation.



The good news is, I stood my ground. I didn't falter. I took her back to the SNF, got her back to her room, gave her a hug and left.



Now, I'm no stranger to tongue lashings from her. But, I am human still, and so, so far from perfect.



I plan to contact the social worker/case worker today - who by the way was the one person at the SNF my mom said she "cannot stand". Odd, since she is a soft spoken and very kind person, from what I observed - on top of having one of the toughest jobs there is, I believe.



Just seeking a little reassurance from my "cheering section", which is how I think of all of you. Reassurance that they are not going to "boot her out" in five days, that is not something that they would do. And, well ... that I'm not the bad guy. Intellectually I know I am not, but, my emotional side took a pretty good beating last night.



Sigh. Thank you for propping me up, again and again.

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" I won't validate her poor choices by quietly going along with them." Good. So that answers my question. If she called you to come get her upon discharge because your brother has covid, you wouldn't have done it because her current living situation is a poor choice.
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Well, what I would have done, had she called me instead of my brother, is immediately call 911. But, to be clear, in general, if she asked for my help and there was some way I could assist her that would not jeopardize my boundaries in any way, I am perfectly willing to assist and be helpful. I won't validate her poor choices by quietly going along with them - but, I'm not of a mind that I need to "cut her off" or something. If she chooses to behave and be civil, she is more than welcome to contact me anytime.
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erzoolie, I have a question. You write: "I guess she was so unwilling to connect with me, and risk the mirror I might hold up, that she was willing to knowingly expose herself to COVID - despite her numerous co-morbidities."

What would you have said if she had called you and said your brother had covid and couldn't drive her home. Surely you wouldn't have gone and gotten her, right?
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It might be easier to list what my brother DOES realize, versus what he does not. The list would at least be shorter.

One of the recent texts from my brother read, "maybe it would be good for her to consider assisted living" ... like, um, where the **** has he been all these months, to include when she blacked out from her skyrocketed blood pressure, broke her foot, etc. etc.? He was there with me when we visited assisted living places back in May!!! Good grief.

That's the upshot; my mother controls him, and he doesn't push back on anything.

That pattern may break someday, but, I fear that's a ways away yet. Until then, however, the distance from the situation - physical as well as mental/emotional - has been truly liberating for me.
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Brother doesn't yet realize he can say "she lives alone and is unsafe" does he?

He had a truly golden opportunity, I think, to get her living situation looked at.

They really deserve each other.
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Ah Ha! Thank you so much for the update.

She has to blame her "poor me" circumstances on someone. She doesn't want to admit to herself that she might be responsible for her poor choices. That is a normal reaction for people like her. For you, treat it like a game. Look at her with a sad face (puppy dog eyes) and say "Bummer to be you." (Phrase taken from the parenting class, Love & Logic)

My Mom had COVID at 99 years and 10 months. She was vaccinated and single booster. The MC moved her to isolation, where she got to enjoy the services of having nearly personalized service. (1 nurse, 3 patients). She loved it. In addition, she was blessed with "easy" COVID so she never had any of the horrible symptoms of being sick. She had a slight fever, tested positive for 10 days and never understood all the protocols for isolation or why everyone was making a big deal about it. I hope your Mom has easy COVID too.

As for you, keep those boundaries reinforced. Some day, when you are least likely to expect it, you will be able to use her actions as a reason why you will not participate in her shenanigans.

You are doing good. Keep up the good work.
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Hi!

So - to answer the car question; she has her car. I handed the keys to the nursing staff at the SNF where she was staying, back in May, and they then were the ones to give them to her when she "signed herself out" against medical advice.

Her driver's license has been suspended. I reported her to DMV, and they suspended her license. She still drives, however, as far as I am aware.

Or, at least she did ... six days into living in her new apartment, she fell on her face and gave herself a pretty good black eye. Instead of calling either 911 directly, or me, she called my brother - who at the time was on Day 3 of an active COVID infection (highly symptomatic and definitely contagious). While he at least called 911 to go and get her, my brother decided it was somehow okay to drive her home when she was discharged (I didn't find out about the COVID until after the fact).

So ... guess who has COVID now?!?! Yep. My mother.

I guess she was so unwilling to connect with me, and risk the mirror I might hold up, that she was willing to knowingly expose herself to COVID - despite her numerous co-morbidities.

Of course, the entire scenario, and its many byproducts - she has blamed all squarely upon me.

I have been shaking my head so much, I think I might need acupuncture.
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Congrats! At least she is out of your house! Continue to enforce those boundaries.

Relish this time that you have when your brother is primary on-call.

At some time, your brother may need your help and you need to be in tip-top shape to handle the new challenges.

You go girl!
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I might be a bit late jumping in but I don’t see what happened re: her car. Instead of taking away the keys or dumping at the police pound, if it is safely parked, consider disabling it. Disconnect the battery. Pull the starter or fuel pump fuse. Et cetera. You don’t want to damage the car. Just frustrate her from driving it. A mechanically-inclined neighbour helped us keep my mother’s friend from driving after our equivalent of the DMV renewed her licence even though she kept hitting other cars, and losing it when it was towed because she’d simply stopped and gotten out at her destination without parking it in a parking spot.
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I'm sorry your mom fell, but one hopes the hospital will see she can't be released to go home by herself.

I'm also glad your brother called 911, rather than trying to lift and/or transport her himself.
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"I don't feel the slightest guilt; it is a new thing, to feel that way."

I always feel guilty because I don't feel guilty. Does that make sense?😊
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Propping you up, cheering you on. 🍿🍉🍕🌭🌮🌽
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SIX DAYS.

That is precisely how long it took for her to live in her apartment by herself, before the first 911 call.

She apparently had a fall - called my brother first, then called his wife, and then my brother decided to just call 911. They took her to the hospital via ambulance - she fell onto her face, literally, but cannot remember the fall (not sure if she tripped, if it was a blackout from her blood pressure, or something else). My brother texted me to advise me what was going on ... she is apparently waiting for a CT scan at the moment.

She is still not speaking to me, and the hospital won't tell me anything directly without her permission.

I'm betting they admit her - especially because now, she actually lives alone, and can no longer make the case that she is "fine to go home because she lives with her daughter".

I fear I may end up with a neck cramp from all the head shaking I'm doing today.

Sometimes I literally sit and wonder how it is I am actually related to these people.

Hopefully this will be the wake up call needed for her to consider the benefits of assisted living. At this point, the only thing she is a victim of is her incredibly poor decision making, and self-inflicted misery as a result of those choices.

I am NOT going to the hospital to try to insert myself/intervene.

Onward!
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Thanks so much, everyone! I definitely gave myself the gift of stress relief this birthday. Can't put a price on that!

It saddens me the detriment she continues to inflict upon herself via her stubbornness. I continue to hold onto hope that by ensuring I not allow her to manipulate me - which, to be fair, I allowed for a very long time - that it maximizes any chance there is of her adopting a different way to connect with me. I just try to keep in mind that there is what I can control - which is myself - and what I can't, which is her and her choices.

I don't feel the slightest guilt; it is a new thing, to feel that way. I always harbored some sense of guilt, deep down - even when I tried very hard to bury it and deny it was there.

I hope you all are having a wonderful summer!
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Kudos!!! Happy Birthday!

Your Mom sounds like she had "cold feet" at the final moment. I hope she is settled.
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Yes, happy birthday and congrats for keeping your cool.
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Happy Birthday, erzoolie! You continue to do fantastically in maintaining those boundaries with your mother. And we know you will continue to keep up the good work. So many posters here are not able to accomplish what you've been able to do.
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ER, Happy belated birthday!!

Well done! You did great!
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Holy smokes! Kudos for you for that update. Not giving into mom to store larger things in your garage for a donation pickup you know would never have happened. Getting rid of all moms stuff and baggage priceless. You must be waking on air right about now. Christmas early.
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EZ, good for you for NOT falling for the FOG (fear, Obligation and Guilt).

Your mom will trash talk you to one and all, I promise--the daughter who made her homeless.

There are some folks you can't help. Very sad.

BUT well done, kiddo!
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Hi! So - update!!!! Today was moving day. I texted my mother several times over the course of this last week confirming everything - to include this morning to confirm the movers were on their way to my house. Despite having informed my mother weeks ago - after her explaining to me how she has "given herself permission" to not have to make decisions - I got the following string of messages at exactly 7:59 am today (the movers were scheduled at 8 am, for context):

"The area for the bedroom is 9x9. I do not see space for the curio cabinet or the three wall units, and it would be foolish to spend the $ to move them. Can't they be moved to the garage for a veteran's donation pickup?"

(I told her, weeks ago, that I would arrange a charity to pick up items she didn't want - that was when she told me she "gave herself permission to not make decisions")

I replied simply that the movers were here, and that I'd let her know when they were on their way to her place. I'd be happy to help arrange for a charity pickup there after she makes her decisions in their entirety (versus acquiescing to her suggestion I store them in my garage; I offered to arrange for donation, which she could have agreed to weeks ago, but, insisted she was not ready to make those decisions).

Then:

"I also was not aware of having to make any payment. I neither contracted for a moving service--I do not have a name even. You have NEVER told me I had to pay."

(keep in mind, I paid for all the supplies, spent the time packing ... and let's not even get into the damage to my house, several walls damaged, and the carpet ruined from stains from things she has spilled ... but, I digress)

The message from her continues with ...

"Since you are responsible for putting me out and making me homeless, and refusing to let me make my arrangements, I feel you are liable for my circumstances. I disposed of my belongings and moved in with you at your urging, and assurances that living adjustments for my needs were acceptable".

For context - she moved in with me 3 years ago, when she had to sell her house due to the reverse mortgage she had arranged, and my brother - whom she planned to house her in her senior years all along - was not in a position to take her in. She lived with me rent free for 3 years.

I did not get into it with her; I simply replied to the text to advise when the movers were headed her way.

(my brother was there with her - and she did foot the $700 bill)

Feeling utter relief. My birthday was this past Sunday. You just can't put a price on the gift of giving yourself the most immense dose of stress relief, can you?
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So, how did everything go?
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For anyone who came to this thread wondering about nursing home evictions, you can learn about how to avoid them in this video: https://youtu.be/LqWflP6QT80
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EZ, "Beyond my control".

Yay you!!

All the best to you, and I’m glad you found a way to direct your brother to get mom to bear the bulk of the cost of moving her stuff.
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Awe - thank you for the compliments and cheer! And, that is so kind of you to say, BarbBrooklyn! If my experience helps, even empowers, someone else, then, well ... that would be the greatest prize from this whole experience. It's an honor to even consider!

CTTN55 - the apartment is far, far closer to my brother than to me; in fact, it is about 10 minutes away from my brother, and it would be another 30 minutes beyond that to get to my place. So, he is definitely in the "line of fire" on that.

And, I spoke to my brother just yesterday - and asked that he be there at the apartment when the movers arrive with my mother's items, so that there is no hassle on their end. I also asked that he pick up the tab, and explained in no uncertain terms that he will have a far easier time of getting reimbursement from my mother than I ever would. So - I'm also able to manage this entire "chapter" in the saga expense free; I still harbor the cost of the moving boxes and totes I secured, but, I'm going to chalk that up as an investment in my well being, versus try to suggest she should repay me somehow.

Is there such a thing as "culture shock", to be in a place that is so free of stress? I don't know how else to explain what I am experiencing at the moment, than that. New territory for me! Feels incredibly satisfying.

None of this negates that I love my mother, and wish for her to make better decisions for herself. It does, however, indicate to me that I've freed myself from the confines of entanglement and being saddled with responsibility for anything about her situation.

My prediction is that she will stay in the apartment for a period of time - not sure what will wear out first, her physical health, or her stubbornness - but, either way, I just hope that when it comes time for her to admit the ultimate lesson, that it won't be too late for her to chart a different course. It's beyond my control, though ... its all up to her, what she does with her life from here.

Happy weekend, All!!!
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Please keep us updated on your mother's adventures in her new apartment (that is, if you happen to hear about them).

Where is the apartment? Is it near your brother?
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EZ, I think we will be pointing folks to this thread for years to come as an example of how one CAN disengage with someone DETERMINED to shoot themselves in the foot.

Best of luck!
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Your mother is a fool.
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Glad for you that you stood your ground. Congratulations on doing it well.
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Erzoolie, happy dance for you!!!
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