Mom has been in SNF for just over two weeks now.
She used to live with me - has for the past three years. Between four ER visits, a stroke in January, a host of other health problems, and now a suspected fall that has left her with limited mobility, she is receiving in-patient rehab largely at my insistence, as she originally just wanted to come back to my house despite being confined to a wheelchair. She is not keen to accept reality, and insists she is "fine" and "can take care of herself".
Fast forward to last night. We had a family caregiver meeting last week, with the social worker, nurse, physical therapist, etc., and started the "journey" towards her ultimate transition to AL. She wasn't overjoyed initially, but by the end of the meeting, seemed to be warming to the idea, albeit slowly. When my brother visited her a few days later, he reported back to me that she was "smiling and talking about the AL places she wanted to visit". Things seemed positive overall.
Last night, I "checked her out" of the facility to take her to dinner (which is permitted). Things were pleasant. We sat down, ordered dinner, and then she said she is "being kicked out in five days". She then further claims she "does not qualify for skilled nursing or assisted living", because she is "perfectly capable of taking care of herself".
I think she is confusing the end of the Medicare fully covered 21 day period. Just for medication management alone, she definitely qualifies for AL, if not more.
But ... it went south from there. By the end of my meal - which I spent mostly protecting the boundary that she cannot come back to my house because she would be unsafe - she had accused me of ruining her life, making her homeless, destroying her financial plans, etc. etc. She said a flurry of other hateful things, essentially keen to cast me as the "bad guy" enough that she would win leverage over me to take back control of the situation.
The good news is, I stood my ground. I didn't falter. I took her back to the SNF, got her back to her room, gave her a hug and left.
Now, I'm no stranger to tongue lashings from her. But, I am human still, and so, so far from perfect.
I plan to contact the social worker/case worker today - who by the way was the one person at the SNF my mom said she "cannot stand". Odd, since she is a soft spoken and very kind person, from what I observed - on top of having one of the toughest jobs there is, I believe.
Just seeking a little reassurance from my "cheering section", which is how I think of all of you. Reassurance that they are not going to "boot her out" in five days, that is not something that they would do. And, well ... that I'm not the bad guy. Intellectually I know I am not, but, my emotional side took a pretty good beating last night.
Sigh. Thank you for propping me up, again and again.
I never would have thought that possible, but after this ordeal, I am putting nothing past her.
dear OP --- i wish you and your mother well.
2. the negative thing:
of course i don't know all the facts, but:
the car accident story --- it bothers me a lot. your mother lived with you at the time. how is it possible you don't know more about what happened, legally? perhaps you preferred not to know.
you yourself said SHE was at fault, SHE caused the accident, and a human being died because of her car accident. (for sure, you had the opportunity if you wanted to, to speak to the relatives, apologize deeply on behalf of your mother).
that's manslaughter. a crime.
unintentionally killing someone.
the story bothers me a lot -- for many reasons.
1 reason is the easy way you write about it --- kind of like "oh, and a passenger died"...and then you move onto another topic.
we're talking about someone who died because of a car accident.
it's manslaughter. it's serious. and how can you possibly even allow the possibility of her driving a car again, when she (unintentionally) KILLED someone?
you have some power over this (i'm not saying you have all power over this) -- for example, as sp19690 writes, don't give the keys. it is immoral to help her in any way, to drive.
you said you don't want to be accused of auto theft. in that case, you "lost" the keys, you'll order new keys "soon". it's IMMORAL to give her the keys.
3. legal action against your mother
it's possible the relatives of the poor killed person, decided not to sue --- out of kindness, and out of grief. they had enough things to do (grieve, be sad). they maybe didn't want to add the stress of a court case. (ALSO, sometimes it's very hard to prove things; there might not have been witnesses; difficult to prove what happened in court).
BUTTTTTTTT, YOU SAID, your mother caused it. so morally ------ your mother should feel AWFUL for having done this.
if your mother wanted to, she could have spoken to the relatives, apologizing deeply and offering to help the living relatives.
this isn't just about your mother, and your feelings OP.
it's about LIFE. ANOTHER person's life out there who might get killed (AGAIN) by your mother.
how many more manslaughters until you decide OP, it's better indeed to "lose" the keys???????
You will learn in that book that no matter WHAT you do
No matter WHAT the state does
No matter WHAT ANYONE does there is no good answer to your Mother.
Liz tried for decades to control, help, her mother; so did the entire city of NYC and the entire State of NY and their Social Workers. Her mother was mentally ill. Nothing helped. Nothing worked.
You have no control here. Take the keys? She can get another car. She can do whatever the public at large allows her to do. It isn't your business. You aren't her POA and you aren't her guardian.
Then step back and away from Mom and let her drive whatever she wants to Fullerton Motel or anywhere else and good luck.
At some point the State will take control of Mom, cars and all. Until then we should all hope we don't run into her. The state won't be able to control Mom either. Eventually cases like this often end up with homelessness and death.
So let Mom have the numbers for emergency.
She is not adjudged incompetent.
You are not her guardian.
You are not her POA.
And you are coming here with every little "Mom story". How long will that be the answer to what you do with your life?
I advise you step away. Let Mom do whatever she wants and stop answering your phone. Tell Mom you will check in with her a.m. and p.m. to see how she is. Stop giving her advice. Stop trying to control what cannot be controlled.
Let it go. Let it all go.
I certainly don't mean to be cavalier about someone losing their life; apologies for it seeming that way. It was horrifying.
My mom deliberately excludes me from her dealings with things. I tried to get involved early on, as it related to the accident; I found out she didn't carry collision coverage, to my shock, and when I asked her about that, she shut me off entirely from accessing any more information or speaking on her behalf. Right or wrong, I accepted that; all I did at the time was talk to an attorney about whether I had any exposure or liability in that situation, which I was told I do not. So, I'm simply not privy to all that went on between her, the decedent's family, the insurance company, the hospital, etc. I get bits and pieces here and there, but, nothing concise or concrete. I have to believe deep down my mother feels remorse at the loss of her friend, and the implication of her part in that happening; I haven't seen too much evidence of that, though, outwardly anyway.
And, yes, I see the very valid points about the moral side of not passing her the car back. I could see her running off and renting a car, or even buying another car, though ... where does my culpability end in all this? I'm struggling with the fact that I have no control over her (foolish) decisions. Not sure if that sounds selfish ... its not meant to ...
Thanks for holding up a mirror, though. I'm rethinking my position.
Protect yourself. Do not be around your home on Monday and do not let her in....this is why I say move the car to brother's place so she has no reason to come to your home.
Have you thought of calling the police and asking them what you should do in this situation?
I assume the car is right there, yes? All hers. No "unlawful taking with the intention permanently to deprive" her of her property about it.
I suppose she can have you charged with autokeytheft. Let her try it. I doubt if the judge will be terribly hard on you.
Meanwhile, if she's able to order and take delivery of replacement keys good luck to her - all you can do then is keep reporting.
i repeat:
how many manslaughters until you decide OP, it's better to "lose" the keys?
That implies, if I understand correctly ... responsibility for the accident that led to the death of her friend is mine to share, as I didn't intervene/take her keys before it originally happened?
Sorry if I am angering or triggering anyone. I appreciate everyone's honesty, even when it is difficult for me to read.
You are a good person. And good people often are casualties of selfish people like your mother who don't give a damn about anyone but themselves and what they want. And as a good person you suffer feeling guilty about things you didn't do or cause.
Call the police and ask how to arrange this.
If that's not possible, park the car on the street somewhere. Lock and drop the keys in the mail to the Fullerton PD or sherrif's department.
Tell mom you lost both the car and the keys.
https://www.google.com/amp/s/www.agingcare.com/articles/amp/112307
In the meantime, I agree. Hide the keys. Give them to someone who is stronger emotionally than you right now. Anything but handing them over to your Mom.
Who's been making the car and insurance payments while your mother has been in the rehab/NH?
Don't make the payments and the dealership will repossess the car.
How would your mother even be able to drive the car if she's wheelchair bound? Or get in and out of it on her own?
Tell your brother not to take the car to her and not to help her in any way. You don't either.
"How would your mother even be able to drive the car if she's wheelchair bound? Or get in and out of it on her own?" - she is at this point able to get up and out of her wheelchair, and walk a wee bit with a walker. The leg that has caused this whole "chapter", however, is her right leg - so even in the best scenario, her gas/brake pedal leg is the one with the impediment. So, how can she drive? In my opinion, I don't think she can. She, of course, has a vastly different view.
I am going to focus on taking deep breaths, working with my brother to identify/examine suitable assisted living facilities, accept that I cannot control the situation altogether, and put some bubbly on ice so that I can celebrate once she is squared away somewhere safe for the long term. It's going to take several weeks, and Lord knows she isn't going to make it any easier, but - some things in life you just have to go through, you cannot go around. The only way this is ever going to happen is if I exert my competence to make sure it does. And selfishly, it will be better for me in the long run, mind/heart-wise, so ... it's worth the short-term effort in order to reach that destination, I believe.
To be clear, I will not be handing any keys to my mother - car or otherwise.
I am going to continue enforcing my boundaries and maintaining my sanity, to include 60-75 minutes every day on my Peloton to process the stress of it all. As an added benefit, I'm getting in great shape!
I hope everyone is having a pleasant Sunday ... <3
Just make sure that the "several weeks" does NOT include her coming back to your home. Don't trust Maria the DP if she says she will get you help. If brother accepts that kind of promise, that's on him.
Let us know what happens today. Will your mother Uber to the Fullerton motel, or will she drive her own car there? We should take bets!
Yesterday, I talked to the local police department about my mother and her car. I explained the situation - and they basically explained to me that, as long as (a) she is legally licensed to drive, and (b) the car belongs to her, then there is nothing they can do. They recommended I report her to the DMV, which I already did months ago.
I talked to my elder law attorney again, too. And we came up with a plan. It doesn't sit well with me, but, it seems the best I could do, given all variables.
I gave her car keys to the Director of Nursing at the SNF. They are going to be discharging her today, as my mother has refused all of the other options presented to her for respite care. My mother is going to have to sign off that she is being discharged unsafely, against doctor's orders. They will return all of her property to her, and the rest is up to her.
Thank you for the kindness and compassion. It is going to be a difficult week, even as much as I know she is only a victim of her own stubbornness, it still weighs on my heart that she is being so foolish and self-destructive. It won't change my boundary on not allowing her to come here, but ... it is just, well, sad.
This is the best that you can do, and I like that you consulted an elder attorney.
Where is the car? If it's at the SNF, how did it get there?
Good luck today!
Why any of the doctors who have treated her over the last several months - to include the neurologist whom I watched wave his finger in her face, telling her she should not drive again - didn't take steps to remove her driver's privilege is also equally baffling to me.
notgoodenough - thank you for those kind words. Intellectually, I know that, but emotionally, I admit to the turmoil and struggle in my heart.
<3
My bet is that IF your mother can get into the car, she won't make it out of the parking lot on her own.
Is your brother going to show up for discharge?
Let us know how this goes.
My brother said she could walk "somewhat" with a walker. How can she drive? I have no idea.
So, that's where it sits now. She's in a motel, alone, not speaking to me. I'm probably already going to Hell, for other things, so I'll just go ahead and admit that being cut out of the conversation feels a bit like a blessing in disguise.
I think I might turn off my phone for the rest of the week. With the exception of calling to get some counseling for myself set up, as I think its probably wise for me to get some professional help processing all of the emotions I'm having in a healthier way.
My brother said she could walk "somewhat" with a walker. How can she drive? I have no idea.
So, that's where it sits now. She's in a motel, alone, not speaking to me."
So now your brother will be in charge of her. GREAT job in maintaining your boundaries!