Mom has been in SNF for just over two weeks now.
She used to live with me - has for the past three years. Between four ER visits, a stroke in January, a host of other health problems, and now a suspected fall that has left her with limited mobility, she is receiving in-patient rehab largely at my insistence, as she originally just wanted to come back to my house despite being confined to a wheelchair. She is not keen to accept reality, and insists she is "fine" and "can take care of herself".
Fast forward to last night. We had a family caregiver meeting last week, with the social worker, nurse, physical therapist, etc., and started the "journey" towards her ultimate transition to AL. She wasn't overjoyed initially, but by the end of the meeting, seemed to be warming to the idea, albeit slowly. When my brother visited her a few days later, he reported back to me that she was "smiling and talking about the AL places she wanted to visit". Things seemed positive overall.
Last night, I "checked her out" of the facility to take her to dinner (which is permitted). Things were pleasant. We sat down, ordered dinner, and then she said she is "being kicked out in five days". She then further claims she "does not qualify for skilled nursing or assisted living", because she is "perfectly capable of taking care of herself".
I think she is confusing the end of the Medicare fully covered 21 day period. Just for medication management alone, she definitely qualifies for AL, if not more.
But ... it went south from there. By the end of my meal - which I spent mostly protecting the boundary that she cannot come back to my house because she would be unsafe - she had accused me of ruining her life, making her homeless, destroying her financial plans, etc. etc. She said a flurry of other hateful things, essentially keen to cast me as the "bad guy" enough that she would win leverage over me to take back control of the situation.
The good news is, I stood my ground. I didn't falter. I took her back to the SNF, got her back to her room, gave her a hug and left.
Now, I'm no stranger to tongue lashings from her. But, I am human still, and so, so far from perfect.
I plan to contact the social worker/case worker today - who by the way was the one person at the SNF my mom said she "cannot stand". Odd, since she is a soft spoken and very kind person, from what I observed - on top of having one of the toughest jobs there is, I believe.
Just seeking a little reassurance from my "cheering section", which is how I think of all of you. Reassurance that they are not going to "boot her out" in five days, that is not something that they would do. And, well ... that I'm not the bad guy. Intellectually I know I am not, but, my emotional side took a pretty good beating last night.
Sigh. Thank you for propping me up, again and again.
Just the latest and greatest ... mom has in fact rented herself an apartment, with a move-in date of August 10.
She is staying in her motel until then.
I've arranged movers for the morning of the 10th to get every last item of hers out from under my roof, and delivered to her location. That will close the loop on the "I need to access my things!" lingering status quo, and allow me the ability to pick and choose when and how I interact with her.
Is the apartment a senior apartment, you ask? No, it is not. It not only is not outfitted with things like, say, a step-in shower, easy outside access, or its own laundry, it does not include any of the "implied" supportive amenities that a senior complex would. She will be in "gen pop", so to speak. Hoping she at least gets some nice neighbors - but, who knows.
Will she save any money in this endeavor? I don't think so; her rent will be about $1,000 less per month than the assisted living place I liked the most (one that had three meals a day, 24 hour on-site nursing staff, concierge laundry, high speed internet, premium cable TV, transportation services and such - all included in the rental price) - but, she will have to pay her own utilities, manage her own laundry (I think they have a laundry room on site, but, well ... that'll be a cost, still), figure out her own meals, etc. So, when all is said and done, she might be saving a few hundred bucks, tops. The Stubborn Tax, I guess, it could be termed.
I am grateful to be seeing the light at the end of this tunnel getting crisper and brighter by the day. I have come to terms with a great many things these past weeks - and all in all, odd as it may sound, I am grateful for this experience, as it has afforded me the ability to see things far more clearly now than I ever allowed myself to before. No matter what lies ahead, this will give me much greater strength and ability than I ever could have imagined possible otherwise.
And, I have this board and all of you to thank for much of that. Even the "tough love" and mirror-holding, all of those things have helped me, made me think, forced me to face some difficult realities that I admit would have been easier to continue ignoring.
I hope you all are holding up okay, navigating your situations, and that there's light in your worlds like there definitely is in mine.
Cheers to new chapters!
Thank you for the tip about the month to month! Even if I end up having to pay the first month, so be it - I can do that easily, and then it is up to her after that. She can either pay up and keep her items, or, not pay and it will all be donated/tossed out - which I highly doubt she would allow, as it is literally all of her worldly possessions, with the exception of a handful of clothes and such. I guess time will tell!
Barb - that's a good point, about the fees/upfront issue with engaging a storage pod. I need to spend some more time on that, examining different companies/options there.
"Consider having the storage space reach out" ... I actually like that idea. The conflict avoiding side of me would rather just do that alone ... but, I do intend to give her a heads up, at least.
As far as asking my brother to present these options ... I can try that, but, my fear is that the historic pattern - which is, my brother agrees to something with me, but then never says a word to her - will prevail. I wish that were not the case, and I could be proven wrong ... but, I just don't feel I can rely upon my brother to make a case, for anything, really, including this.
As far as my mom being evaluated for vascular dementia - that's a good question. When she was in SNF, because she had a stroke just a few months prior, they did do an evaluation to assess her "cognitive ability" to make her own decisions. What did that test entail? I couldn't tell you - I wasn't present when they did it. I was actually a bit surprised that they concluded so definitively, as the test wasn't done because I suggested it, it was performed because the nursing staff there were concerned and felt it necessary.
Did they test her specifically for vascular versus other types of dementia? I don't believe they did, but, again, not entirely sure.
As far as APS being called by the motel ... yes, I wondered about that possibility. And now with her back there, with a giant walking boot on her foot ... I am sure they are perplexed over the situation.
sp19690 - as to "why should you pay the fees to store her crap?" - well, easy answer, I shouldn't. And while there may end up being some sort of requirement to pay a month upfront to get a pod, I don't intend to continue paying beyond that, if I have to do that much. I will admit that I am trying to do things in the least contentious of manners that I possibly can.
As far as letting her make the arrangements, well ... if her ability to secure long term housing for herself is any indication of her inability to execute on things, I would say trying to transfer responsibility to make arrangements onto her to be futile. She's occupied 3 rooms in my house for over 3 years, and some space in the garage; she would not have been here if not for my welcoming her, though, to be fair. Is it ideal? No. Would any normal adult with consideration and respect both (a) communicate their plans to me, and/or (b) make their own arrangements? Well, yes, I believe on both of those points, they would. This is my mother, however, who has shown me pretty clearly of late that she has no intention of either being considerate towards me, or of taking any steps towards arrangements of any kind - even those that would directly and immediately benefit her, never mind me. So ... while I agree it isn't ideal, I am a very solutions-oriented kind of gal. I want those three rooms of my house back, at the very least!
AlvaDeer - I read the piece that you shared, thank you! I do see a lot of relevance there, to my lengthy history of interacting with my mother, as well as her patterns for controlling/manipulating others (me, and also my brother).
"when you understand what you are doing and choose to keep doing it" - I would say that's fair. I'm working towards a better understanding. And Lord knows, while some decisions I make may be good, certainly not all of them are, or even the majority. I'm a highly imperfect work in progress. But, I do think I'm making some good steps in a positive direction - at least that's my hope. I fully respect your views, if you don't agree! Either way, I remain grateful for the feedback, and will continue working to improve myself ...
Well done getting her stuff out of your space.
I would and have done the same, my dad thought my garage was his free storage unit. I have a garage because I need a garage dad. Not only did it cost me to get it there, it cost me to remove it. So worth every penny to truly have my space back.
One thing I do recommend, do a month to month with the storage facility, that way you aren't on the hook and mom can do whatever she wants after the 30 days you paid is up.
Well done! Truly a happy Independence Day for you. Done and done!
I don't see how you can avoid paying for storage yourself if you're not mom's poa.
Have brother ask what she wants done.
The choices are that it gets delivered to the motel or she signs up for delivery and storage.
Let your brother present these choices.
Every time we get a new story from you, Ez, I think of enmeshment.
At some point, when you understand what you are doing and choose to keep doing it, it does become choice, even if choice to just follow old habits. It is often easier to do, and less distressing. So if it works, for you, there's little more to say than that it works for you.
Carry on. It's become somewhat a Chapter Book for us I fear.
I do truly wish you the very best.
Consider having the storage place reach out to mom/brother to get her sign-off on the month to month rent. Otherwise, you will be on the hook.
Eventually the motel will call APS. Has your mom ever been evaluated for vascular dementia, post stroke?
Yes, the motel ... the one that actually costs more than the assisted living place I thought was the best, when you factor things like food, meals, and other pleasantries. So ... she's not a victim of anything other than her own poor decision making. She has other choices she can easily make.
What happens next, after she's back in the motel? Not a clue.
At the very least, I am grateful my brother and his wife had a "front row seat" to get a little bit of a glimpse into what the past 6 months - year has been like for me.
As far as her things; I am going to bear the up-front expense. The up-front expense includes the boxes and storage containers I've obtained to pack up her belongings in an organized fashion, and ordering a storage cube to come here next weekend to move everything out and into the cube (most of the storage cube places I've talked to have the option to include labor for movers, which seems the option with the least amount of hassle). Probably $600 out of pocket for me when all is said and done. Once everything is in the cube, it will go back to the storage facility where the cubes are kept - which I think is somewhere in Santa Ana, here in Orange County. They charge a monthly fee - I may just pay the first month, which runs anywhere from $200 - $400 a month, depending upon size - but, I will be giving my mother the keys/information so that she can then decide what to do from there. She's had them here at my house for no charge for now over 3 years, so ... no guilt felt over here about that.
Is it perhaps unfair that I should be coming out of pocket upfront in this manner? Yes, I believe it could be argued that it is ... but, I honestly would rather incur the cost to get it handled, than try to open a dialogue with her to try to get her to agree to cover these upfront costs. Right or wrong, that's the path that gives me the least stress. And right now, I've made such monumental gains in my health - mental and physical - these past few months, that I'm prioritizing that way above my pocketbook, if that makes sense. I'm in a privileged enough position in life that I can make that choice.
My brother and a close friend are both coming here on Sunday morning to help with the packing. I've got all the boxes and containers already organized for that purpose. I am treating them to brunch and a movie after we are done.
I'll be coordinating with a storage cube company on Tuesday; once I have everything boxed up, I'll have a better idea what size container I will need. I may be optimistic to think they'd be able to come within the week, but, I'm hoping I can get there out here within at least 2 weeks, 3 at the most.
:-)
And also how her living in the guesthouse goes!
I don't remember, but where are all of her things going to be sent/brought that you are packing up?
She's been staying at my brother's in-laws house, with my brother and his wife, now for a few weeks. The in-laws have been on vacation in Europe the entire time. Well ... apparently, the in-laws are returning tomorrow ... so now, there appears to be a mad dash for my brother to find a place for my mother - who is also currently sporting a rather gigantic walking boot, due to the crushed bones in her foot from her recent fall (they deemed her ineligible for surgery, due to her multiple health issues - unsure her recovery prognosis in terms of walking ever again). Which leads me to believe the in-laws might not be aware she is there ...
The two options that were on the table for her to move to in the immediate term (because she refuses all reasonable assisted living options, of which there are many) are - (a) a lead she had on renting a room in a trailer park for seniors, thanks to the kindness of a friend of a friend, or, (b) moving into a guest house of another friend who lives about an hour away. Neither of these sounded like a good idea; Option A came off the table, when my mother was informed the "room was no longer available". I suspect they caught wind of what a liability my mother would be to have under their roof, and thought twice. So, now, it seems my brother is going to scramble to get her out of there and off to her friend's guest cottage ... after that, who knows what is next. I highly doubt her friend realizes how precarious my mother's health situation really is, as I'm certain my mother has insisted how she is "just fine" and needs no assistance of any kind (insert massive eyeroll).
My mother's broken foot has certainly made it a lot less stressful to pack up her room, as there is zero chance she will argue the idea that someone else would pack her upstairs room(s) for her, given she is categorically unable to manage stairs, even with assistance.
So, to your generous and kind-hearted applauding, I will allow myself to take a bow or two.
Hope you all are well!!!!!
And WHAT a doozy your update is! The part I can't get over is that your mother is now living with your brother and his wife in one room of her father's house. !!!!
I wonder how long it will be before your sil's father makes her move out? I can't imagine the tension in that house, and most especially the tension in that one bedroom with your brother, mother, and sil all together. Yikes!!!
Your mother is going to need to hit some sort of bottom before she realizes she needs "help".
So, she IS fairly independent in the motel, except that she is non-compliant with safety measures (good shoes) and has unstable BP (needs to be seen by her pcp or cardio). I have BOTH of these issues. I'm 69, but I don't live alone.
It only took one fall for me to ditch my slip-ons for sneakers and my pcp has me on BP meds and monitoring.
Your mother is going to have to learn to call 911 and she is going to have to figure out what kevel of support she needs in housing. Clearly, no one else can do that for her. She needs to come to that realization herself.
Since my last update ... mom rejected all the assisted living ideas she was presented. Went to look at "senior apartments" - which are just apartments with discounted rent; found them to all have waiting lists of a year or so.
A week ago, she had an "incident" where her blood pressure skyrocketed, she blacked out, and then when she came to, she threw up all over her motel room. Crawled to the bathroom. Tried to call my brother and my sister in law - neither of them answered. Of course she did not call me, as she knew I'd just call 911.
The only reason I know any of this is because her friend who has kept in touch with me told me.
Then, the real doozie ... this Saturday, she apparently went to visit a different assisted living facility - ironically, one that was a lot more expensive than the ones I had found. On her way out, she fell. Or more specifically, she rolled her ankle, as she was of course wearing the unsafe slip-on shoes that numerous people - including doctors and physical therapists - have explained to her are dangerous for her to wear.
Where was my brother? Away for the weekend. So, in a moment of desperation, a day later - when her foot was huge and blue, and she was in pain - she called and asked me to take her to urgent care for an x-ray. Which I did - and she broke not just one bone, but two, and crunched them pretty good.
Took her back to the motel, called my brother, finally got him to call back - he then offered to get her out of the motel and into his place.
So, I gave her a hug, said "good luck!", and left. And told my brother to keep me posted.
As of yesterday, she has left the motel and moved in with him. Which means, moved in with him and his wife, who are currently living in a room of her parents' house. Yes, in their 50s, living with their parents. And now they've got their mother in tow, who is unable to walk and waiting to see if she will need surgery.
My brother's father-in-law I'm sure when he married his eldest daughter off, in her 40s, was expecting her to be independent ... but instead, is now not only dependent upon him again, but has her husband and his mother dependent upon him, too.
No long-term housing arrangement in sight, of course - as the assisted living place she was at this weekend, where she fell (and of course didn't ask them for any help, either), she decided was "rubbish".
I will be packing her things this weekend and placing them into a storage cube.
Is it evil to say that I have gained so much validation this weekend, on so many complex and intricate levels? Truly priceless.
Then she won't be your problem -- GOOD!!!
"Erz, this is more and more sounding like a problem with YOU rather than with Mom."
You, Erz, replied:
"Yeah - I guess in a way, I've been coming to this forum as a sort of "counseling". I haven't gone further than that, but, agree that I should; it is a matter of prioritizing the time right now, which I don't have an abundant supply of ... but, I know I need to."
end
All of that is just fine, but know we are not psychologists. And we cannot assist and guide you in learning to let go of all this. It isn't always a really healthy thing to come to a group of ordinary folks (like us) where you may get sympathy, but also conflicting advice, and etc. It can hold you back. None of us are "qualified" to provide real help.
I still will continue, myself, to push a need for counseling.
"I am not familiar with Orange County....how far away is that from your brother? Same county? And how far away from you?"
Where her motel is at the moment, my brother's current residence is pretty much right in between where she is and where I am. I am further south. My brother is fairly central. She is looking at moving even further north (we are not talking huge distances here - 45 minute drive or so, max). Ultimately, she will be far closer to my brother than to me. Unless, of course, he moves ...
"if she is living independently at the motel (with no propping by your brother) then a senior apartment with some ancillary supports like food delivery and a housekeeper may work for a while."
You know, you are absolutely right. I may not think it is the best idea, but, it isn't my decision. I fear the next medical catastrophe looming ... but, seems I am the only one who worries about that in this situation/with my family, so ... maybe I shouldn't.
"Letting go doesn't mean you stop loving her, you just stop dancing to her manipulative tune."
This should be tattooed on me somewhere. So simple, but so profound, and so astute to my situation. I have danced to her manipulative tune for so, so long ... it still feels a little foreign to be off that dance floor, but, in a good way.
"Erz, this is more and more sounding like a problem with YOU rather than with Mom."
Yeah - I guess in a way, I've been coming to this forum as a sort of "counseling". I haven't gone further than that, but, agree that I should; it is a matter of prioritizing the time right now, which I don't have an abundant supply of ... but, I know I need to.
Letting go is a process, right? I'll get there, I think. Just not 100% there yet. I really do love my mother, and want her to be happy; it gives me no joy to think of her living in an unsafe place by herself, at such high medical risks, and refusing to speak to me. I'd be fine with her being angry at me, knowing she was in a place that was safe for her and where she could enjoy the things she loves to do with her time. I fear her window of time is more limited than anyone else seems to recognize - and given that, also fear a dreaded phone call that something awful happened to her. But, even so, I know I can't control any of that ... working on letting that all go, every day.
My other counselor is my Peloton. I'm going to hit 600 miles this month, just to give you an idea!
:-)
I had thought that was the goal?
This is part of her manipulation and her treatment of you is unacceptable. Right now she is punishing you for trying to help her, that's not what happens in a loving relationship.
Get everything packed and send your brother a text informing him of everything she has that needs to be moved into her new place. I would give him a deadline, like two weeks after she moves in or everything is going to the thrift store. Don't let her keep you chained by being her free storage unit.
Letting go doesn't mean you stop loving her, you just stop dancing to her manipulative tune.
Living with YOU didn't work and you don't need to fuss about why. If she can make an apartment work, good job at getting her independence back, Erz!
So your brother is taking over her care, as he will be assisting her in getting a senior apartment (and then also handling the ensuing difficulties because she needs more help that that setting will provide).
I am not familiar with Orange County....how far away is that from your brother? Same county? And how far away from you?
Yes, definitely box up her belongings, as it appears she will definitely not be living with you again (hurray!).
You have successfully extricated yourself from your bad situation. Congratulations!
It's been two weeks since the unsafe discharge. Mom is still in the motel. Still not speaking to me or returning any of my texts. My brother reports that today, he is taking her to visit several "senior apartments" in the area of Orange County she likes.
Which to me is indicative of two things. One - my brother is going to go along with whatever she asks, versus being a voice of reason chiming in with me that she needs more than an independent apartment. Two - she is either knee-deep in her denial over her increasing limitations, or, steadfast in her commitment to her stubborn assertion that she is the victim of her "evil daughter" who kicked her out (or, maybe a combination of both).
So - I've just been keeping myself busy with other things. And I guess there's no reason not to start packing up her belongings here, since she has of course never given me the courtesy to advise any plans or expectations, let alone acknowledge she is taking up 3 rooms in my home with her items, not including all of the stuff she has stored in my garage.
Hope you all are enjoying the beginnings of summer!
Great news!
That's an interesting question. I don't know for certain; my mother is certainly plenty capable of being stubborn of her own volition, but, I never considered if she might have another voice in her ear about such things. If she does - what a shame, that someone would cajole her to decisions at her own peril!
"I'm kind of surprised she's lasted a week at the motel. Are you?"
Not really - only because I did not see any quick solution in sight (not that there aren't quick options, just that her process of coming to terms with those decisions I not going to be expeditious). I do wonder if maybe the motel is a lingering "pity party" attempt to wind her way back to my house, but ... I haven't wavered. So, if she wants to "cut off her nose to spite her face" by staying in a motel week after week, that's her choice.
One of the more telling ironies is, in examining one of the lovelier assisted living facilities, they actually broke their price down by day. You would have thought I asked them to in advance, it was so prophetic. Their price per day is $140 - which includes all meals, transportation services, supportive care if you need it - even happy hour!!! What is she paying for her motel, which offers nothing other than coffee in the lobby in the morning? $138 a day.
So, at the very least, she is not staying at the hotel because she "can't afford anything else"; the AL place even made it clear that they have no long-term contracts, and they do short-term stays all the time.
"her main mission at this point --is to keep one or both of you constantly engaged in argument with her"
You know, Alva, I think you are right. Some of her family members, I used to marvel at how they did not know how to engage with others apart from in an argument. I do think - whether consciously or not - this is a way that she keeps some form of control over us (in her mind, anyway), which she seems inclined to try to do. Ironic that we both end up avoiding her for this very reason.
I do remember that book being recommended - it is on my list!
Thank you for the kind wishes ... at this point, I'm just letting go until I hear otherwise. Feels a bit freeing to do, interestingly. I'm not losing sleep worrying if she is okay or not. Which in and of itself is a difference from when she was down the hall ...
Did I already recommend to you Liz Scheier's book, Never Simple, in which for decades this poor memoirist attempted to help and protect her Mom who was mentally ill with personality disorder? (along with the help of the entire social services of the City and State of New York)? If I have not please order and read this book. I recommend it to everyone just to show how really helpless you are in this situation. It becomes a constant swirl, a cake batter that gets thicker and thicker and swirls in the same unending circles.
Mom should be on her own with all this now, in my humble opinion. I would stop enabling it. I surely would try to keep somewhat an eye peeled who calls every two to three days, and report to APS when needed, but I would back away.
I say this not just for YOUR good, but ultimately for your Mom's. I think you can do nothing but keep repeating this endless story until there's a tome larger than War and Peace.
I sure wish you luck and I sure appreciate that you update us and keep us informed. I would love to see you released from this stew.
You take care.