Adult grandchildren not comfortable visiting declining grandparent.

Fawnby,

Definitely agree !! You’ve given too much already. Spend it on yourselves !

velbowpat writes: Fawnby, I think you should spend your money on yourself.

velbowpat: I think you're right! LO and I are so much more deserving! I'm trying to think of a great $400 Christmas present for us!!!!!

The Ungrateful Group can buy their own dang toys. This is an estranged son who was repeatedly bailed out by DH over a lifetime of mistakes in the hundreds of thousands of dollar range. And then wanted hundreds of thousands more after most of the previous debt was forgiven due to payments rarely being made. And he was intimidating and disrespectful. He has a great job that DH helped him get and paid for his training. She has a job, too. We've had enough of the Ungratefuls, from whom we've never had a thank you, a birthday card or any other expression of liking.

Way2tired, thanks for your comments. It’s clear that you and I have both tried! I used to enjoy taking care of the toddlers for a few days at a time in my home so the parents could get away, and we went on family cruises together - fun memories!

Yes, it is awkward. My parents competed for my child’s attention when he was younger. If my Mom baked cookies with him my Dad would become jealous, drive to the grocery store and buy cupcakes.
My Dad couldn’t stand not being the center of attention. On one occasion when we were packing up to leave I found Dad at my car crying because he just wanted “Billy” to love him. My son has had a lifetime of these awkward moments. Many that I have written about on this Forum. Yes there were some good times but they are the exception. No one needs to wonder why my son wants a lot of space from his grandparents. Fawnby, I think you should spend your money on yourself.

Fawnby,
You are right it goes both ways . You are doing more than they deserve. I’m so sorry for you . (((Hugs)))

We also tried with FIL and his wife when my kids were kids . Often we were rejected , as they were immersed in her family. As her family grew with more grands the answer was always no , So we stopped inviting them. Once or twice a year when the kids were young we would get invited to a holiday along with the wife’s family . When FIL was 79 he had bypass surgery and decided after that it was time to move to Florida permanently “before it was too late “ when he was 80 (they had been snow birding each winter ). They would come up north to visit her family and we were ignored. So we made the effort and went down to Florida yearly to visit. Now FIL is almost 89 and lives in AL near us and well ………I think DH and I are doing plenty for him . But I can not ( will not ) tell my adult children what to do. Nor do I blame them for how they feel . We all have our limits . Grandpa will just have to accept that he can’t make a demand of the kids coming every weekend. The kids see him when they come on holidays.

We have never excluded or forgotten a grandchild’s birthday or Christmas. Our gifts are generous and now we stick to cash or gift cards because we don’t know what their tastes are (because some of them never respond and rarely take our phone calls). I love to send them notes and cards for holidays like valentines and Easter, including a clipping that I think will interest them along with a $10 or $20 bill. I sometimes enclose a stamped post card so they can reply. Only one has ever acknowledged these notes and they’ve never sent back a post card. We’re Facebook friends; they never post or comment on my posts.

One DIL has never thanked anyone for the very nice gifts showered upon her two kids. Never in all their lives, and they’re 15 and 17. She wouldn’t bring them to visit when we lived 2 hours away though they were always welcome. We have plenty of room for them to stay but she only wanted them around her family even though her dad was a twice convicted criminal, her brother had his child removed from the home due to his substance abuse, and her mom drinks Kahlua all afternoon and is too “tired“ by dinnertime to do anything but “sleep.” Fortunately her eldest is on the right track and I hear from him frequently.

Another set of grandchildren- we get scribbled thank you notes that their mom makes them write, but at least it’s a thank you. They’re the ones who keep wrecking cars.

Another group, from which my LO has been estranged for years though I kept up minimal contact, the dad got mad the first year of the pandemic when we didn’t send enough presents for the kids, so I’ve sent $400 each Christmas since because due to LO’s illness, we no longer go out to shop. They have never thanked us. We never even get much as a Christmas or birthday card from that group. The parents have good jobs and live in a beautifully decorated big home, we don’t know why they feel they need us to send toys? I feel like it’s a manipulation tactic since they know we can’t go out to shop and now they can claim that we don’t care enough to buy toys and only send money. Both of their kids are handicapped and we haven’t seen them in 5 years, so who knows what toys are suitable? I’m planning not to send even money next Christmas because I’ve had it with them.

We would like more give and take with all of them and are in a position to help them with things they’d like to do - in fact are helping one with orthodontics right now - and would love to contribute to school trips and the like.

I feel we’ve done our part and that family feeling must go both ways. Plus I’m the one who needs toys. A doll house and a stuffed purple dragon would be nice.

I went through very similar situation when my parents moved back to town. One granddaughter( my daughter) was literally two minutes away from the senior community and never visited with her three children. I used to mention it but quit. I even offered to meet her at their place just so the old ones could see their great grandchildren. Now my husband's aunt, 94, is on hospice care at her home. This daughter will not see her much if at all.

My second daughter is just the opposite and understands the value of a visit. She even shares hone cooked meals for aunt. She also was attentive to my parents in their last years here.

A third daughter was very attentive to the old ones.

People make time for what is important to them. I find the neglect self centered and immature. It is hurtful.

Daughter1930, I agree. My nuclear family was happy before this man landed in our charge and I would like it to stay that way . DH needs a thicker skin against his father’s demands. The thing is he says things nicely trying to manipulate. He also tries to strike up deals . Like if he does PT or showers we have to do what he wants . FIL tries to get his way by saying things nice either with a smile or a pout. He’s only nasty to the staff sometimes . I’m just done .

My in-laws have virtually no relationship with our adult children. Years ago, I desperately tried to get them interested, to no avail. Their health is slowly declining now. It’s pretty certain our adult children will not make a trip to visit, they live between 300 and 600 miles away, and almost never hear from their grandparents still. I will stay fully out of this, and would advise you and your spouse to do the same, no discussion of it either way. Their relationships and visits, or lack thereof, are between them now, everyone is an adult. No need to talk about it or involve yourselves, chances are you’ll only end caught in the middle and blamed by both generations. It’s sad for all that this happens

notgoodenough. I feel the same way . This man never asked us to go out to dinner with him or a family cruise vacation . Now that he’s alone he’s demanding these things just so he gets taken out . Leaves a bitter taste . We feel used . We told him we are not taking him on a cruise . Then he even had the nerve to say he never got to go on an Alaskan cruise because his wife didn’t want to go . Not my problem . He should have went without her when he was well . I’m not his tour guide / nurse’s aide .
DH wishes the kids would give in more to make his life easier. But I told him it’s not worth risking our own good relationships that we have with our kids .

Not all of us had warm and fuzzy grandparents. Or even grandparents that gave a fig whether we lived or died, much less what was going on in our lives.

If MY grandmother had laid this sort of trip on me - "why won't you visit me now that I'm old and sick?" my answer would be "why didn't you visit ME when I was young and vulnerable?"

The phone makes outgoing calls as well as accepts incoming calls, and the highway runs in both directions. If you want to be a part of the "family", you have to make an effort, too. If you spent years actively avoiding that effort, well, then, I guess are now seeing the "fruits" of that labor - or lack thereof.

It's not just grandparents, either. I will never, ever be close to my one sister, because of the years she spent disregarding anything to do with us - unless it benefitted her in some way. The way she behaved when my mother got sick was just the proverbial straw that broke this camel's back. I don't hate her; my feelings are completely ambivalent. Not a very good foundation for a future relationship. I think she is going to have serious regrets now that she has retired and will only have her unpleasant husband for company. But that is so not my problem.

It shouldn't be your kids' problem, either.

My mother lived in the same town as I do so my girls saw her often. She was the grandmom who baked the cookies they loved. She did not shower them with gifts but loved them. She was the comfy grandmom and still is missed.

My MIL...a different story. I don't think she liked small children. My oldest I brought into the marriage. Oh she made all over her, even had her stay the night. Bought her something every time she shopped. I think it was all for show. To show the family "look how I have excepted J's daughter". Four years later we have a daughter together. It took a year before she came to our house to see her (we always took her there) dragging an Aunt with her that wanted a favor I said No to). My MIL never went out of her way for her own granddaughter. Always had a reason why she could not babysit but told the family I would not let her have M for the day. Then she moves 900 miles away. Now she sees the girls once every 2 yrs. We work and they r in school. Now my youngest is in her teens and MIL flys up to visit and wonders why M does not make over her. Maybe its because you never took the time to be her grandmom?

I agree, your FIL made his bed. You can't ignore people for years and then expect them to be at your beck and call. What goes around comes around. You get back what you give. You give nothing, you get nothing back. You give something, you get something back.

Fawnby ,
I hear you , and agree in general .
But in my case , too many bad feelings and bad odors for my kids to ask about grandpa’s stories anymore . He payed them next to zero attention growing up , and brags about his step grandchildren to us . . My kids were kind and listened to his interesting stories as well ( he does have them too ) when we moved him here last year after his wife died , but they are done . I can’t force them to go as often as he wants . Sometimes even absent grandparents reap what they sow and being in AL isn’t a pass on that.
And btw those wonderful step grandchildren he brags about don’t visit either. And his favorite step children have come once who FIL tells them he loves them. His own son who puts up with him never gets told that .

Grandparents can be interesting, but you have to let them be interesting. In other words, the visit shouldn't be about (what's happened in my own experience): The grandkids sports, the grandkids bible class, the grandkids friends, the grandkids job, the grandkids new mattress, the grandkids school, the grandkids new car, the car the grandkid wrecked, the car the grandkid bought after that one and wrecked it also, the mother saying how hard it is for grandkids to get into college, the mother saying how hard it is for grandkids to get into camp (both of those last two topics have been brought up EVERY SINGLE VISIT for FIVE + YEARS). The grandkids, the grandkids, the grandkids!

They're nice grandkids. But THEY are not interested in US. WE have had interesting lives and more than interesting careers. We have anecdotes, fun things to say. We're good conversationalists. At least other people think so. But we are not asked about our lives (yeah, they think we're boring now and retired and I'm a caregiver, but what went before?). If their whole family would shut up and let us contribute, it would be more fun for all of us.

Got another one about to turn 16 and get his driver's license and bracing myself to hear about the car he wrecked because it's sure to happen. AND BY THE WAY, IT'S SO HARD TO GET INTO COLLEGE. *%#@)#!!

sp19690.
I would love to do that but I’m sure DH won’t , he will think FIL will give him more grief with his pout face on. I’m always the heavy . I tell FIL what has to be done. Not that he listens all the time .
I have no problem telling him like it is. It may come out eventually , I’ve been known to be spontaneous and lose my filter when fed up . FIL and MIL ( divorced soon after I married) refused to even come to our wedding , long story . Practically ignored my kids . But now that they are old they want a happy family . They are the most selfish people . MIL still lives in her home 4 hours away , she asks as well , my kids don’t go there either .

The bottom line is ....we can't risk our relationship with our kids by insisting they go visit their declining grandparents in AL or wherever they live, regardless of what they "expect". I would suggest to my children that they go visit grandma and grandpa, and I'd even organize pizza events once in awhile. But ultimately, it was up to THEM what they did. Not my circus, not my monkeys.

Way2Tired just tell FIL the truth. Why pussy foot around it? Tell him the grandkids (who are adults) won't be coming to visit. If he asks why then tell him. No point in making excuses and pretending. This way he stops asking.

My kids were treated like the red-headed stepchildren by my MIL. Once her daughter began her family, our kids were 'also rans'--and they were smart enough to pick up on that and be very, very hurt.

MIL does not know the names of any of my grands--has never even SEEN the last 2 or 3. She know is so far gone, mentally, that even if they came by, she wouldn't know who they were. It's sad. But it is what it is.

I could not 'force' them to love this person, and they all do, in their own way.

My 5 kids all made the effort to see their gma as she is now in Hospice. She was OK with them visiting, but when asked if the could 'come back' the next day, or even later she told them not to.

I guess she wasn't very nice about it, either, but my kids are wonderful & loving and they 'get it'. They handle the estrangement better than I do.

She is now reaping what she didn't BOTHER to sow. Sad, sad, sad.

Grandparents, even moreover than parents, reap what they sow.

I think it's unreasonable for FIL to expect the Waltons when what he cultivated was more like "Abusive/absent parent/gparent sitcom".

The root of anger is an unmet expectation.

The grandparents' expectations are their own problem. The most you personally can do is give suggestions as to what would make a visit less awkward, like: sharing pictures or videos from their school sporting events or performances, or finding funny animal videos on YouTube or Insta. They can do a simple craft together (that relates to a holiday) or help them decorate for the holiday. They can play simple games for people with cognitive and physical decline (many to be found on YouTube). You can't force or guilt them to visit. May you gain peace in your heart that you have no control over this situation and it is what it is.

My children were close to my parents . As young adults they would always visit them when they came home from college etc. They visited them when they were declining to the end .

My children now in their late 20’s, and early 30’s are not comfortable visiting their declining paternal grandfather who now lives near us in AL .

Grandpa ( lived 15 minutes away ) was on his second marriage my children’s whole lives and pretty much ignored us most of the time except for a holiday here or there and eventually moved far away when he retired . Before moving away, he spent his time with his wife’s family and her adult children and grandchildren.

He is now widowed and in AL near DH and I and is expecting a family dinner every weekend . My children were willing to do a couple a month in the beginning , then one a month , they felt bad for him since his wife died. But it’s been a year and grandpa is not good with hygiene . They also have said they have run out of things to talk about . Grandpa’s dementia is worse and his hearing despite new hearing aides . My children are also upset that grandpa gives DH and I a hard time . They also feel that you reap what you sow. Grandpa didn’t make an effort to have a relationship with them until he’s 88 years old . They have cut back to just seeing him on holidays . They feel grandpa did not visit them on weekends so why should they . It’s also a 45 minute drive for my son and over an hour for my daughter .

We do see our children pretty often on weekends . Either they drive up to us and we cook . Sometimes they stay over for the weekend. Or we drive to them for a meal at a restaurant . Some months more weekends than others depending on what we all have going on. Grandpa is not aware of this .

I can’t really blame my kids . Even DH is complaining he has nothing in common to talk about with his father. But it is making it awkward with FIL as he keeps asking when the kids are coming . I will not try to force them. DH and I have close relationships with our children , we are not ruining that .

If the grandparent did not cultivate a relationship with their grandchildren when they were young, I don't see how they can expect one now.