Follow
Share
Read More
This discussion has been closed for comment. Start a New Discussion.
Find Care & Housing
Cindi, thanks. I am having a better day today than yesterday. That cry did me good. It is easy to get overwhelmed with things. One thing I have found out is that when I feel like this, I cry and am able to continue.

Always, Maria
(0)
Report

Maria,

good for you! Glad you feel better too. You know yourself best and it's great that you know what helps you and use it...

Just having dinner now and it is almost 9 pm. Went to work out tonight and then to the class they have once a week. It is a good thing. Hanging in there.

Hugs to all of you
Cindi
(0)
Report

At first you are just overwhelmed with having to make phone calls, then visiting the places to straighten paperwork out. I am always moving around occupying myself in something, and at first I guess I handled it like the relief I needed from the stress of the hospital and all he was going through, now the realization is setting in and I am now coming to the understanding that he is not here anymore.
As for my mom she has been quieter then normal but back to the routine of just sitting there, I am glad I did get the cats though the keep things happy and calmer.
The boys are ok, my oldest handled it that grandpa was not suffering and in a better place and my youngest felt worse when Grandpa was sick in the hospital.
write more later, Judy
(0)
Report

Judy,

Glad things are starting to calm down. Hope your mom don't give you trouble in the upcoming weeks.

Hi, to the rest of you girls. Cindi, I think the drug they give to speed up the heart, when not on the treadmill is persantine, but could be wrong.

Well, yet another story and another bad day. Mom, I and my 12 year old went to the mall, just to go in one store. When my 12 year old got out of the car, mom made a comment that she looked just like my brother. Well, my 12 year old took offense and said, "what I look like a boy now". Instead of my mom just ignoring the raging hormones, she said "I can't say anything to anybody, without them getting pissed off. I said nothing not to start a fight. When we got in the store, I asked her if she wanted me to correct her for such a stupid thing. She said I could have and that she will be just like the other one. Well that was it. I turned around and walked out of the store, brought her home and told her I was leaving until she found a place to live and to get out.

She said I didn't even do anything. I said you never do anything. She called me every bad daughter under the sun and said that I had a sick mind again. My daughter screamed to her Maw Maw I am sorry, don't be mean to my Mom for something I did. I told her she did nothing. I am not going to train my daughter to shut her mouth around my mom.

I am now afraid to be in my own house for fear that she will come after me. I went to bed this morning and didn't get up all day. She came in several times to start picking again, and I told her to leave me alone. My therpist said to disengage when she starts fighting with me. How do you do that when someone is always coming after you?

I am so sick, I can't take it any more. I told her to get out, lets see what her next move is. She called everyone she knew to try to get sympathy and they all took my part. THen she blames me for them taking my part. I said Mom don't you see, everyone sees it but you. She said she has never ASKED me to do anything for her, I JUST DID IT, SO I RUINED MY LIFE AND I GUESS I DID>

Love,
Marylynne
(0)
Report

Marylynne,

Call your therapist and tell him what happened. He might be able to offer some help over the phone. Or, he may want you to go have a session with him. Sounds like you are at the end of your rope and counseling is helping you see that. As far as disengaging, if you have to physically leave the house or the room every time she tries to engage you. Tell her you don't want to talk about it. As far as ruining your life...maybe you did choose to help out but things have changed and you find that continuing this is bad for your health so there will be some changes...tell her your therapist said to do this..etc..

Good luck, Marylynne I feel for you and can tell you are really going through it.
But, you are making progress keep it up!

Judy, my heart goes out to you. You are feeling the loss of your father, now that everything has slowed down. It is truly something isn't it? Such a loss and void it doesn't seem real. But, it is. Cry it out, talk it out, write it out, whatever you need. Sounds like your sons are doing okay.

I am going up north for a few days. Actually leaving everyone to go. Sister will take care of parents tomorrow...husband on Saturday and Sunday, then Monday sister again. I return Monday night. I have never driven myself there. It is 5 hours away. I want to get away from here for awhile and get into an introspective space also to see daughter before my surgery. She won't be home til after surgery for Thanksgiving. I hope it goes well for me and for those at home.

Have a good weekend and God Bless you all
Cindi
(0)
Report

marylynne, see you have to ignore her when she wants to start a war, I know its hard at first but you will get used to it I did. You do feel better in the long run and you will see that if you try it.
I believe that some of my mother's issues with my Dad were because of me, he always said good things about me and gave me the credit in front of her, I know she hated that, now that he's not here to do that anymore she doesn't have that much hatred against me. I was also giving him the attention that he needed and she didn't like that either. This is a big change, even though she has other things to complain about the biggest thing was my dad. But soon I am sure she will move something else into his spot and create havoc with that.
Listen to the therapist at least you have started one step in finding out how to handle them.
My son started a new job today at a new Target just around the corner, he is happy to be able to quit the pet store that gave him only one day a week. I hope he likes it there. He also started his college this week, Tuesday's and Thursday's.
Cindi sounds like a nice trip, I plan on going to an outlet mall on Monday to look for winter shoes and pants and maybe do some Christmas shopping.
Thinking of all of you take care oxoxoxo judy
(0)
Report

Judy glad to hear that things are going good on your end. cindi, have fun, enjoy your trip. sounds like a good thing.. away from all of it. I told my mom that i may take my friend who is visiting here home, a 2 hour drive, next week. she just informed me that there was no way she was going to stay here if i were going to go. where does the old witch think she will go? no one wants her. I am stuck with her 24/7. it is times like this that i hate her so damned much that i would do anything to be rid of her. this woman is poison. she is nosy, she is meddling, she is controlling.....i do everything to please her, but to no avail, she just expects it. i hate her as usual. marylynne, i need to go to counseling too. but, if i went, this old woman would want to go with me. i am so sick of her i could die. luvya all
(0)
Report

Marylynne--

I have been tracking your posts. I don't want to seem harsh, but you've got to get out, girl! Your very life depends on it. I have heard your cries for help time and time again, and am saddened. You MUST tell you r counselor that you are considering suicide. They can help you. I don't want you to end up like my brother-in-law, who took his own like. I, too, had moments of despair, when I was younger-- actually when I was living with my parents when I was going to college. There were times when I thought about killing myself, or running away to the military-- anything to get away. My point is, NOTHING IS GOING TO CHANGE until YOU decide to change your life. With the help of your counselor, I believe you can change your life. It's not hopeless. As long as you live and breathe, there IS a way out.

Part of your problem is that you weigh the value of your life in terms of how others see you. You have to learn that you are WORTHY just because YOU are YOU. It has nothing to do with how your parents see you, or how anyone else in this world sees you. Because you are you, you have value. What you also have to realize is that your parents are sick. They are not thinking rationally. This is especially true of your mother. My husband's mother got really controlling like you describe your mother.

I read that old people, when they start to lose control of their lives, both mentally and physically, they try to control others. It's their way of telling themselves "Hey, I'm still in charge." I think that's why our parents, especially our mothers, still treat us like we are kids, even though we're grown up. They have to feel that sense of control, or they don't feel alive.

Still, whatever their reasons, it doesn't make it any better. They're still a pain beyond belief. I'm worried about you. I have see you express suicidal tendencies for several months now. Please, for your sake and your children's sake, come clean with your counselor. I want to see you around tomorrow. And know that someone cares-- not just someone, but everyone on this website. Much luv, Dani~
(0)
Report

Helo ladies,

I am so glad I found this site.

First let me say that my heart grieves for you all, especially Marylynne. You must send your mother packing. She is destroying you. I know it is not easy. My mother is very similar and always has been, but I put my foot down on her demands the first year of our marriage--30 years ago. My mother has treated me with more respect since then, although she continues to be negative.

We moved 2 years ago to be near my husband's parents. My father-in-law (FIL from this point on) has myeomalacia of the spine. My mother-in-law caused his condition to worsen by refusing to let him get decent medical help until it was too late and he is a paraplegic now.

For 2 years she manipulated holidays so that my only son (who lives in the same area) was not with us to celebrate. My son and his new wife recently moved to California so that issue is non-existent until they come back. I had to celebrate my last birthday without m son and his wife. She tells me something and then gives me a few days to tell my husband and then comes down while I am away and tells him something different. She comes into my house when I am away and puts leftovers she doesn't want in my refrigerator. (My husband works from home and can't hear her enter.) She makes spiteful comments when she is alone with me and if you meantion anyone she always tells you the worst thing she can think of about them. She is diabetic and this is used as extra ammuntion to control meals and meal times. She is an absolute fanatic about meal times. I have run myself ragged at holidays cooking and keeping my husband's family. I am talking no sleep to speak of and every inch of floor covered with sleeping bags, suitcases and clothes.

About 6 months ago, after my husband had repeatedly hurt his back lifting his father, I went down to their house and told her, very nicely, that my husband was hurting his back, that Dad would never walk again. (She still claimed he could if he would try. She also refused to have any alterations made in the house). I said that Dad was a paraplegic and that we needed to find some other options. I suggested home helpers. My in-laws are very comfortable finacially, but she is impossibly cheap. I then came home and told my husband what I had said. The in-laws got busy and now there is no more running down 2 times a day to pick him up.

I said all that to tell you this
(0)
Report

Hi everyone
I have been very sick for a week-they the docs know it is an infection the first one insisted it was a uti which I knew it wasn't and put me on the wrong antibotic and even when he knew it wasn't did change and had to go back down three days later and the covering doc put me on one that worked. I also have pink spots all over my legs. My husband is home but the private aid came M-W-F and the medicare aide was due T-T both days the offive called and said they could not send anyone-so I through a fit instead of accepting it and they surprise they FOUND some one-it gets easier all the time to let people know I am not a rug to walk on like I was for 67 years- so all of you guys it was so hard in the beginning to set limits esp with the husband now it feels good, of course he was as helpless as possible and not once asked if he could help-he went out and did yard work in slippers and now one wound is draining on OCT 6 he can go back to the hosp if need be. Cindi I am proud of you sticking to your diet- I would have eaten your mothers soup-you will do well after surg-you are displined.
(0)
Report

Hi again,

Here is the rest of the post: I said all that to tell you this.
Over Labor Day weekend on of my brother-in-laws took me aside and asked if I would be willing to to take Mom and Dad into my home. I told him, "Absolutley not". I then told him some of the nasty tricks my MIL has been up to. I told him when she comes in my house I go out of it. I also had previously offered to quit my job and have the in-laws pay me to be the home helper. It would have been a LOT less than the cost of a home helper. My MIL, whose motto is don't do anything for free, declined the offer.

I found out later that this BIL had asked his wife the same question and she had told him the exact same thing. I went home and told my husband what had happened and he thought that was unfair pressure.

Reading all your posts will help me stay strong. I know that this woman will not change her ways if she becomes a permanent guest in my house.

Thanks for sharing,
Bookdiva
(0)
Report

Girls,

Do not worry about me. I love all of you and love your concern for me. I did go to my counselor the same day I had the fight with my mom. He suggested two days of doing absolutely nothing and thats what I did. I told her I would be in bed for a couple of days and not to disturb me. I told her I could no longer handle any conflict or controversy.

My counselor said just what all of you have been saying, just ignore what she says. I did tell the counselor of my self worth, but would never do anything to myself because of my children.

Will write more later. Thank you deeply for all of your concern. I promise I will not do away with myself, will only get more and more help till I can become AUSTIN. hA! hA!

lOVE TO ALL,
mARYLYNNE
(0)
Report

Hi everyone, Austin, sorry to hear that you have been ill. hope you are feeling better by now. Marylynne, good deal, stay away from the old crone. bookdiva, you are right in what you are doing. dont even offer to take care of them in their own home, as that could be horrible too. I hope no one else ever has the feeling that i do, when i wake up in the morning and look in on her and she is still breathing, i am dissappointed. Is that bad? yes, it is, but, she is truly driving me to the nut house. I have even had thoughts of pushing her down so she would break a hip, and have to be hospitalized for a long time. suicide i am not afraid of. murder may be another thing. her griping and interfering is more than i can tolerate. not much longer. i cant do it much longer. Donna
(0)
Report

Shadylady
Thank you for your concern, I finally feel better esp. I got caught up on dishes and laundry today and the husband has been staying in bed most of the day his week was so busy with nurse aides and pt from medicare and our private aide so I have a quiet day and may work on my new projet of crocheting baby blankets for a pregancy crisis center that our church has gotten invovled with. I so wish I could say something to you that would help but all I can do is give my friendship and vent to me any time it would be good if older lonely people could get together with you and give you a break take care God loves you and so do I'
(0)
Report

Donna,

As usual, you said it girl! I feel exactly like you do. Everyone here is worried about me committing suicide. I feel desperate all the time, but won't do that. But, I have had the same evil thoughts you are having. I will be driving and think, when I drop her off in the front of a store, she passes right in front of my car. MMMM!!!

Austin, I hope you are better also, you are an inspiration to me and all the other door mats on this website.

Love to you girls,
Marylynne
(0)
Report

Donna if your mother is unhappy that you won't be home let her figure out what she is going to do with herself. Why are we figuring out everything for them?
My mom is soon going to start on the money that my dad left and he left me in charge of the trust. She already asked about where the money people gave us at the funeral was. She has plenty and doesn't even need what dad left her. But he wanted to leave her something because he didn't want her to give me problems. See I told you there was more to come.
Marylynne my door mat says " Enter at your own risk" LOL
(0)
Report

Judy, I am so glad that you still have a sense of humor. That is good and please don't lose it. I know what u mean "enter at your own risk". LOL
(0)
Report

Judy,

My mother would be doing the same exact thing. MONEY, MONEY, MONEY.
She has enough to last her the rest of her and my dad's life and always says she needs it for her old age. What is 81....

I with you girl on why do we figure everything out for them.... I love the door mat thing, maybe you ought to get those printed out and make some money.

I know you are missing your Dad, Hope you are holding up well. What does your Mom say now... Does she piss you off constantly?

Love,
Marylynne
(0)
Report

Well gals,
got back this evening and reading the posts and can see some thing never change! Had a really good visit with my daughter. Sister took care of Mom and Dad Friday/daytime and Monday til I got home at 4:30 pm. My husband took care of them Friday night/Saturday and Sunday. It was really good getting away from here...the routine and my Mother's emotional neediness. Was nice not to have to bathe Dad or think about his meds, meals, etc. My daughter and I needed that time so she could talk to me, and I could enjoy her and see how life up there is for her.

The drive was therapeutic I played some CD's and cried some, sang some. Girls go take a drive it clears your mind. It was nice getting back home. Although no sooner was I home and mom was needy. I am trying to be grateful that my parents are still with us and that I am able to take care of them still. Also, that I have a loving husband and a sister who is healing well...and they are helping me.

I love you girls and thought about all of you on my trip.

Tomorrow, doctor for me, hair salon for mom, and dog to the groomers.

Cindi
(0)
Report

Hi Girls, I'm just dropping a quick note to let you all know my beloved Dad passed away peacefully last night. He was one of a kind and he will be missed.
Love,
Sha
(0)
Report

My Deepest Sympathies Sha,

Was it expected? And how is your Mom taking it? My thoughts will be with you all day.

Love to you and your family.

Marylynne
(0)
Report

Marylynne, thank you.
He took a turn for the worst on Sunday night into Monday and we were notified early Tuesday Morning that his time was getting near.
(0)
Report

sha, my deepest sympathy to u and your family. my thoughts and prayers are with you.
(0)
Report

Sha, my deepest sympathy to you and your family. Will be praying for you and yours. Take care.
(0)
Report

dear decora and bittersweet im so sorry to hear about our dads I hope you will remember all the good time you had with them. there is nothing better than a fathers love for his daughter. I will keep you and your familys in my prayers. sorry i havent written in a while life has gotten in the way will have some extra time husband and son went to visit grandparents in egypt and will gone for 16 days. i will be very lonley but my youngest daughter is with me she could miss that much school she just started at her new school actually she loves her new school so its just me and her. good qaulity time time together we like to watch danching with the stars it the only time we watch tv. hope every one is in good spirits and in good health. fall is such a beautiful time . will write more later miak
(0)
Report

Sha,

I am so very sorry that your Father has passed away. My deepest condolences to you and your family. I don't think anything ever really prepares us for the moment our parents actually pass. May God Bless your Father, you and your family and may you find some sense of comfort, strenght and peace at this dark time.

Cindi
(0)
Report

Miak,

hope you have a good time with your husband and son being gone. Enjoy the peace and time with your daughter. Fall is beautiful. Glad you are enjoying it.

Cindi
(0)
Report

Thank you cindi for the kind words. Im hopping it will go well without my husband here he is the buffer between my dad and me. im probably going to hear about the temp in the house yesterday he called my sister to complain it was cold. The thermostat is in my part of the house and i worked yesterday so i was gone for about 10 hours . he sits in short sleeves and a vest and complains it cold put on a sweater how hard is that. I had a good thought though i was like just think in the 16 days there going i could get a new job and a different life. i would leave a forwarding address so my family could find me but thats it oh yea and you guys sad when most of my thoughts are about running away from home. thought we were suppose to out grow that. haha if anyone wants to join me i would be more that happy to go with you. well with that happy thought i have work to so so i will check in later, hope you day is going well love miak
(0)
Report

Miak,
You have such a funny sense of humor, it makes me smile. Parents are always complaining of one thing of another. I think maybe it comes with aging, but hope not in our case.

Hey girls, how are you all doing today? I'm okay. Have to go see a psychologist an hour away. There are fires burning there so hope traffic isn't too bad. Maybe you girls have seen the fires on the news. UCLA is sending me to one of there therapists to discuss ways and things I could do instead of eating. Geez, is there a life without eating?!....just kidding kinda. This lady is going to cost me $120.00 an hour. Told her I could only see her a couple of times, so hoping she can fix me or give me tips by then! We all are having a hard time just getting food on the table for goodness sakes. Who can afford this stuff?! Still working on the food program went to another meeting last night. Lost 11 lbs now. Only 2 more to go before I qualify! A little windy here but sunny autumn day. Hope it cheers me kind of feeling heavy hearted and tired.

Love to you all,
Have a good day
Cindi
(0)
Report

Sha, my thoughts are with you and it is one step at a time. There will be different feelings as time passes. Just remember that we are here for you, you all were a big help to me.
Miak, I know about the cold thing my mother is always cold it has alot to do with the blood thinners, we have a two story house and my room is a hot box and hers is freezing, especially at night. Put more blankets on how hard is that.
My husband just got back from a weekend trip to see his Uncle in Ohio, I too miss him when he is gone I have trouble sleeping.
I went and visited my Aunt on Sunday, she is in a rehab facility. She was unable to come to my dad's funeral, naturally she cried when she saw me and apologized, I said there is no need to apologize. She is 90. She has bad legs and blood clots,she didn't look too bad, very rested.
Marylynne, my mom really hasn't been to bad, but things may be brewing. Took her to the grocery store today I do take her out when I feel like it, I have control over that.
Cindi, glad you had a good time.
To everyone else have a good day!!! oxoxoxo Judy
(0)
Report

This discussion has been closed for comment. Start a New Discussion.
Start a Discussion
Subscribe to
Our Newsletter