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It seems my message was trucated... ignore above - here's the whole thing!

When I first got to Nashville w/Chris, I went to a Alzhmeirer's support group. A very fine pschoanalyst that specialized in Geriatrics was the moderator. He gave me so much wisdom in just a few words. He saved my life, that 1st year Chris' whole family who completely abandoned him (save for his sister in San Diego - would call regularly) started complaining about how I was handling things. They knew Chris when he was a Casino manager... (now you know why he's so manipulative - had to be to succeed in LV). I was at wits end. Dr. Petrie... said, "you are not your father... and since he had abandoned you - he has a lot to explain & make up for - if he ever could --- but, since you took this on, you MUST keep emotionally distant. You cannot let your emotions rule. You must be dispassionate." Now, I know that is hard (and I don't have the guilt feelings that many must that had parents & spouses that were their for them all their life.) But, it helped me. "The 36 Hour Day" is a great book, just google it... it also got me through a lot of pain... talks about manipulation more than anything. At first, he was very nasty & manipulating. But, when Dr. Petrie made me feel better, I started laying down the law... and stuck with it... my problem is sometimes I can't see the forest for the trees. Alone time for caretakers is sooooooo important. We had a respite program that gave me a little money for respite. It's over now here, but, you all may want to give your Senior organizations a call to see if the program is in your area. It's a federal program.
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Welcome Kycady, It was big of you to take in someone that you had had a long distance relationship with for part of your life and only a year of contact in your relationship.
But I guess it doesn't matter how long you know someone they all have problems and attitude.
I am ready to blow my top ladies. This morning she's bitching about the faucet in the kitchen it drips if you don't shut it off tight. We have tried to take it apart to fix it but that won't work.
After hearing about the faucet for the second day I said " why don't you say lets go look for a new faucet, but NO YOU HAVE TO COMPLAIN" My mother thinks things should last a lifetime nothing is suppose to break. She said " I never had a house like this" I said " you never kept a house long enough to replace anything"
They had houses sometimes no longer then 3 years before buying a new one.
She blames the builder for putting cheap things in this house, we have been in here 6 and a half years and the house is still the builders fault.
Then she said " I would have to get a plumber to put the faucet in" I said " George ( my husband ) can do it" she said" I want it put on right" I said how wrong can you put on a faucet" if you have someone that can do it why pay a plumber I told her that was stupid.
My Dad never paid someone to do anything he could do. She tried to find an excuse for George not doing it she said " you have to get under the sink" I said " He has been under sinks and changed faucets before" HA.... Needless to say I got pissed off and went to take my shower.
The real point is if I waited for her to do anything as far as repairs to the house it would never get done, I always have to call, or go out and buy the part. We still don't have a foyer chandelier after 6 years.
But I think she manipulates by bitching long enough until I do it, thats why my dad did all that he did for her.
She just sits on her throne and bitches....... sorry for the harshness but I am mad.
Hope everyone elses day has started out better then mine.
Donna, can you walk around your neighborhood? that may help just a little, I know how you wouldn't want to go back in the house knowing that she is there but you may calm down a bit by walking. Take careoxoxoxo Judy
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Hi Kycady welcome. Judy..sorry you had such a heated, frustrating day. Let husband fix the faucet. Hopefully your mom will stop bitching soon and you can shake it off better. Hate those days when you want to pull every strand of your hair out if you have to go on a second longer. Time to get out, Judy.

Hugs to you all
Cindi
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Hi Kycady welcome. Judy..sorry you had such a heated, frustrating day. Let husband fix the faucet. Hopefully your mom will stop bi*ching soon and you can shake it off better. Hate those days when you want to pull every strand of your hair out if you have to go on a second longer. Time to get out, Judy.

Hugs to you all
Cindi
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Hi Everyone,
long time no postings. Hope everyone is doing good or at least okay. Rainy here the last few days. Driving down to Los Angeles, Chinatown taking the whole gang including sister to meet my mother's great niece and her family for lunch. Anyone ever try Chinese Dim Sum? It is like appetizer dumpling type food which is served off of hot steaming carts. You pick what you want as the waitress drives by. It is a Chinese food that we like to have with tea especially on the weekends. Potstickers if you ever had that is an example of dim sum..but there are many more. Hope you all turned your clocks back. Same old thing going on here. I feel slightly changed though. Have had 3 sessions with the eating disorder therapist and quite a few things have been uncovered and dealt with more and I'm feeling a bit weird, resentful, angry, depressed..you know all those feelings when you discover why you do what you do that is not good for you..and what you need to do to change it. Counselor said be better to have both parents out so I can take care of myself..what do you think girls?...laughing. Was asked what do I feel when she tells me to not think about my parents. What did I answer? I said I could not do that and feel good. So here I ammmmm!!!

Have a wonderful day
Love and Hugs
Cindi
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hi every one hope your weekend is going good, Im happy to have my husband and son back everything went well grandparents are hapy to see them but sad when they left. cindi my son lives in la he works at a tatoo shop right on hollywood blvd right next to the famous chinese place is that where you ate? he loves it out there except he misses the changing of the leaves like in wis. so i mailed some leaves to him along with some trick or treat candy from his siblings they got sooo much candy. I cant wait for tues i want to get this over with although SNL has been funny we try to watch the first 10 min or so then it goes back to being stupid . hope every one is well. donna im most worried about you. you must not let her get to you you are to valuable of a person to lose we love nad care about you please do what ever you have to to get some lpeace in you life and if that means sending her to a home then so be it. you need a Happy life. we all do . love to every one mia ps ply where are you i thought we were going to meet for lunch some time. ill come and get you .
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LOL, Miak u made my day. I can't do that right now but as soon as I can, I will let u know. It would be nice to meet you and go out for lunch. Take care and everyone else. Love, Ply
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i look forward to it now dont put me off i will pester you till you say ok i know we are all busy maybe we could get together closer to the holidays i love to shop in chicago i want to go to ikea neverbeen there i hear its nice my kids like to shop there. its nice to shop in chicago at christmas time. its one of our favorite thing s to do. mia
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Dear girls, i am doing ok. did go to a nursing home and check with what i can do to get her in, and they have a waiting list, but i put her on it. I am at a point where i do not think i can do it any longer. My back is killing me. I had a back injury a few years ago, and sometimes it hurts so bad that i can barely move. even sitting in computer chair hurts, so have been reclining a lot for the last few days. Cindi, so glad you had a good day at the chinese restaurant. I love chinese food. Once when i visited in Salt Lake City, i had dim sum, but didnt remember it until you mentioned it. it was delilcious. also, i have felt a little put off by some of the new people who seem to think that this is a place to tell others how wrong they are about the way they feel. i do not feel the warmth i once did on this site. NO, mia, it is not u, nor ply nor cindi, nor judy. I guess when i feel bad, i also wear my feelings on my sleeve. sorry if i offended anyone.l will be reading the postings and write when i have more time and less pain. love you all, Donna
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Donna i love you and think about you and all the others friends out there. On a good note I am going back to work. That is Estate sales, I had to quit before because of my dad but now my two girlfriends and I are back in business. Its a tremendous amount of work but I can come and go as I wish. I will eventually bring Mom with me like I used too. She can sit in a chair and clean glass or sort through boxes. My dad didn't like me doing it because so places are really dirty. But it has been something I have done the last past 4 years.
Cindi, I like chinese food too but to find a good place is not easy, I do have a take out place I have used for years but lately it has seemed to change.
where's Marylynne? Hey mia and ply you better make that lunch date before the holidays. Not much else going on here cleaned the basement and took down the Halloween decorations, husband went through my Dad's garage boxes and cleaned his corner of the garage. oxoxoxo Judy
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Judy, that is good that u are going back to work and doing something that u really like. Cindi, hope u had a good time eating out. Donna, u have taken the first step and that is good. I am sorry that u are in pain and with all the stress and aggravation, your back will hurt more. Take care of yourself. Miak, can't promise u anything but I will try. I LOVE to go shopping at Ikea and go to eat at Joe's Crap Shop. Their margaritas are great! Both Ikea and Joe's are close to each other. Take care everyone and have a good day. Love, Ply
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I am hearing so much pain and frustration here and I am glad to know this forum is here where folks can vent some of that. As a family caregiver myself I can understand and have felt many of these feelings myself. Fortunately I have been able to work with a professional counselor for this and some peripheral issues and I recommend it highly. Very often there are organizations such as the United Way in communities that provide counseling on a sliding scale fee. If you cannot find a professional or a trusted friend to talk through these things with or in addition to that there are some excellent books available. One I highly recommend is "Happiness is an Inside Job" by Fr. John Powell. It has helped me to remember that no one can "make" me feel anything, either good or bad. It is my choice how I will respond to the words and behaviors of others. In the case of a parent who has learned to manipulate, you can learn to respond with kindness yet still firmly refuse to play the game. Anger and resentment only feed the monster and create more drama. Don't give control of your thoughts and feelings away, they belong to you.
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Hi Friends

Did have a good time yesterdy except the argument sister and I had in the car on the way home. Mother is worried that if I am upset and don't help sister she will go crazy and not do well. I told her that is not the case. She is a lot better from the pyschosis she is taking meds but her personality problem is kicking in now. They lowered her meds which was helping personality problem too. In a nutshell my family esp my sister at this point think of themselves and do not care or conceive my feelings.
Donna I am glad you are looking into nursing homes..I really do think that is the answer. It has become too much for you. She treats you way too bad and you have no life at all. I am sorry some postings here have made you feel unable to vent.
Hugs to Mia, Judy, Sha, Austin, Ply and Marylynne.
Bummed today found out my surgery will be postponed due to my A1c (glucose being too high)
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hello ladies hope every one had a peacefull weekend. i did didnt have to see crabby pants (that his new name ) fits pretty well . my nice husband took him to church on sunday. Donna im glad that you are looking into nursing home even if there is a waiting list at least it gives you an out just knowing that there is an escape plan or as like in iraq exit stratogy, sometimes that is enough to make things not feel so helpless. that can relieve alot of pressure in its self. you are very nice if it was me picking a nursing home i would pick the one with the worst record and the meanest na's as with some older people he is a big bigot so i would pay extra just to have the meanest ,worest attitude , hate every everyone kinda aide. but thats just me haha. good thing my other sister is in charge of that kinda thing he things she the best thing in the world and i have no idea how she puts up with him. i realy must say just by telling my self that i can be happy it has really change how i feel. sounds kinda strange but i have chosen to be happy its not where i live it that im with my family that loves me . i also try hard not to call him my dad becasue he's not hes just the crabby landlord . seem to work for now. working hard on getting or business started. it keeps me busy and makes me work hard beacasue its my way out. love to you all mia remember try to be happy just find one little even if its just being happy about the sky being blue .
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hi everyone, Mia, you are a treasure!! i always get a laugh out of something you write. cindi, so sorry hon about the surgery being postponed. how long do they think it will be before you will be able to have it? ply maria, you and mia go to lunch and have a ball!!! i know it will be fun for you both. (and an outing away from the old ones) My mother is mad as usual. i left for two hours this afternoon and she was furious when i returned at 6pm. she had already taken her nighttime meds and was in bed. then got up long enough to gripe at me about being gone and leaving her here all alone. bs like that. also to tattle about what my son and his friends had done in my abscence. like i have said many times, if she were a kid, i would have busted her ass so many times for this tattling that she would think twice before she started it with me. but, cant do that to an old witch. hard to find something to be happy with, but i find that i am so good at scrabble online that it makes me happy to win. hope all are doing ok. luv donna
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Donna, I have been playing bingo "Everyone wins". I am done with the ranks but now I have to pass 25,000 wilds. I think I will be playing bingo for the next two years, LOL. If u ever want to, look me up in there. Luv u, Maria. By the way, keep those funny emails coming.
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Hi everyone KYCADY You are a saint to take care of Chris he would be up a chreek without you and I hope he gets that. Cindy I hope they can do the surgery soon but it does give you more time to learn about afterwards- usually they can only do the test every three months Shadyly 131 your feeling are never wrong do not let others tell you that it is those who don't express their feelings that are wrong. I am getting out of my slump and now realize he is not really able to do most things for himself and have been helping without getting personally involved and also decided this might also help if anyone else realizes he needs to be placed. Our son brought his son over to celebreate his 13 th birthday he goes to a private school a few states away for altistic kids- as soon as they came into yhe house the husband started tellinf our son how bad I was and was told by our son if he didn't smytop it right a way they would leave- he did calm down and they talked outside and our grandson and I went inside to talk-his speech was so much better and he is doing so wekk up there-he does come home on weekends for now- he is near the top of his class and since all the kides have the same problems he does not get bullied like he was at his local school. I have been trying to keep up with your postings but I felt too bad to respond but you were in my thoughts and heart. I still will not take him to church I never know what will come out of his mouth and if they want to see him one of them can come the 5 miles to fetch him- my heart is hard on that point which I know God does not like but it is how I feel,
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got cut off- my first laser surgery for glocoma went well and will have the next one done in a coulpe of weeks, it is good the rhumatoligst has me get my eyes checked because with this kind of glocoma you can go blind real quick- so I guess the good lord is in my corner even though I will not take the husband to church. Love to you all. Glad the election will be over tonight even though our state did not seem important to either canidates but did get to get up on my soapbox about our problems that home caregivers have to deal with all alone on a daily basis.
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I can understand how every one is feeling by reading the discussions, I can relate. I expressed things in different comment sections as a professional care giver, but I do know how it is to be continiously treated like a teen to never grow up. I think being a professional licensed care giver in the field 22 years dealing with many different situations, sicknes and other things has taught me alot in how to view why our parents continue thinking we are teens or kids, I think it is because they have a hard time seeing us as grown and because they have already been there they feel they know the answers atleast I have been told this by others in my quest to come to understandings about this issue. I do realize that a parent does not want to loose control of thier abilities and when faced with this happening they become more defiant especially if they feel like they are being told what to do by one of thier children, in most cases. As our minds age things do not seem as they use to seem at times to our older loved ones. Some times, sad to say that dementia factors actually play a roll in this, some times not. I guess if you play the roll with them it may settle them down or create a comfort level for them to ease them. Some times trying to get them to understand or see our point of view is NOT going to happen as we are always thier child if you will. This does not mean you have to excuse inappropriate things that need addressed by a doctor, but if it is just things that playing the roll as thier child as they are helping you may calm them and make them feel your actually listening to them. I guess as teens we really did not listen all the time. Playing the roll can help in the right circumstances.
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Well said Medicalman1. I too have been in the medical field for over 30 years and have dealt with many things. Now to see my mother having Dementia and ca., puts me in a role of caregiver. That is why I have said that if I took care of many people from newborns to the elderly, I can take care of my mother. When she is getting to me, I go to my professional role and things calm down. I am not better than anybody here or worse but I do understand what you are saying. And it is not my intention to offend anybody here either, we seem to understand each other in one way or another. Love, ply
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Hi everyone, I know it's been a while since I wrote but I do read the postings every day.
I have to say, I agree with Medicalman. I believe that our parents, mother's especially, no matter what our age, will always feel like they are in charge of us. They are NOT to be told what to do by us. They are the parent and we are to do what they say. They don't see us as functioning adults, able to make decisions, able to be in control. They refuse to let go of the reigns. And we, as responsible adults, no longer want to be told what to do by our mother. We don't want to have to check in, we don't want to tell them where we go, why we bought that, or defend how we raise our children. It's an uphill battle filled with a constant power struggle. Who wins in the end? It's hard to say. That's why I've learned to pick my battles. For the most part, I let her have her way. It's just easier in the long run. She doesn't see what a hypocrite she is even when it stares her right in the eye. Am I going to battle her on this? Nope. It's not worth it because it's a no-win situation. However, I do tend to try and not be around her for long peroids of time because after a while I can't take her ways. If she realised this, maybe she would be different and we could spend more time together. She's the loser in the end but there's no explaining that to her. She constantly wails
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Hi again....the rest of my message got cut off.
Let me see if I can remember.....

She constantly wails, "Why don't my children talk to me?" It's on the tip of my tongue to tell her why but I know the words would be harsh for her to hear and I don't want to intentionally hurt my mother. So I just sit and suffer in silence.
So there it is, that's my peace. You may or may not agree with me but for me, that is what works. And at least I have a fair amount of harmony in my house. I know she's never going to change. Sometimes it's easier to go with the flow than to try and go against the tide. Don't get me wrong, I still battle her on different levels. I don't discuss things that I know will end up in an arguement. I've learned how to avoid confrontations. Yes, it's hard to try and stay one step ahead but I kind of look at it as a challenge. And for everytime I avoid a negative situtation I give myself a point.
I hope I didn't offend anyone. You are all in my thoughts and prayers.
Love to all,
Sha
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For me at least, you didn't offend me. Sometimes it is better to go with the flow than to be constantly arguing. As you said, we have to pick our battles. I am glad that I still have her even if she does get to me sometimes. I know that I will have a lot of memories when she is gone, good and bad. And who knows, it might be me who kicks the bucket before she does. Life is a mystery and to me, that is what makes it interesting. You never know what is around the corner. Love, Ply
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Sharon,

That was so very well said. Only, if I could learn to do what you do. I am so trying to do that. After the last outburst, where I feel, I put her in her place. I told her that she was standing on the edge of disaster with me and our relationship would end, she hasn't been quite as bad, or maybe its me who just exploded my true feelings, and made me feel better.

Whatever the way, you and medicalman are definitely right. I try to do what ya'll say and I keep hoping it will get easier, but for now it hasn't.

I do appreciate all the advice.

Love to all you girls,

I have been trying not to write so much, because I felt like I was being to repetitive. No one wants to hear complaints all the time.

Love,
marylynne
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hello every one, im glead that you guys are finding something to be happy about and its ok if it is just a computer game, atleast some amout of happiness is you for that day that moment hopefully with every passing day a little more happiness will come our way, so that eventually only happiness will fill our days. it just starts with a little. took dad to the dr for his yearly check-up dr talked to me about him said something about a demintia test i took it as the number 30 was bad and he was a 27 last time and this time hes a 17 so does that mean hes getting better? or did i get it wrong that his score is going down dr said hes better now that we have moved in put his arm around me said i was doing a good thing.dad told dr that he would be lost with out me. dr gave said he was going to give him a script for paxil and dad said he would take it infront of the dr but later when i asked him were it was he said dr dint give it to him? also gave him a script for haldol but my sister doenst want to give it to him said it has side effects. easy for her to say not to give it to him she doesnt live with him and she never gets yelled at like i do . i gave the scripot to her maybe i should get another one from the dr. explain the situtation to him . he know she will not do what he says. last summer dr wanted him evaluated at the senior place at the hospital sister said in a nice way no i think we will try our plan first. she once told me not to tell the dr any of his symptoms just let" nature take its course 'and thats a direct quote WOW maybe i should take back what i said before about her maybe she would put him in a bad nursing home . all i know is i wouldnt want her taking care of me when i get old good thing im adopted im 25 yrs younger so hopefully that wont happen . what do you ladys think should i tell the dr she took the script and wont give it to him? or just leave it alone? I think he should know about how she wont follow some of his advice. could start a family fight if she new i went to the dr behind her back. seems i have to do most things that are good for him and his safety behind her back . shes so afraid oh making him mad shes afraid he will change his will. which he cant do because again behind her back i went to the dr and found out that about 6 or 7 years ago the diagnosed him with alhz i also believe after that he and her changed his will so im pretty sure this new will could be contested. let me know what you ladys think i trust you all. as for the complaining thing if we dont get the complaints out it is like poison in our hearts so its ok we need to get it out and im here for each and every one of you. kinda makes me forget about my problems. getting closer to that foreclosure thing . gotta get that house sold but not enough hours in the day. what happened to oct. month just got away from me. realiter must think im a jerk should have gotten back to her 2 -3 weeks ago. thanks for the advice mia
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Hi everyone,Marylynne like I have said before to our parents our ways aren't right and never will be so we must keep our opinions to ourselves,really try it and you
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I would get to the doc and tell him your sister is not getting the script filled she is going againist the docs orders and I am sure he started him out on a low dose and will be waiting to hear from you and since you are his cargiver its your call- you could ask the doc for a two week sample they usually have a closet full of meds from they get free from the company reps when they visit the offices,
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My message got cut off, oh well I'll try again. My Aunt is in the hospital now she's one of my Dad's sisters she's 90. Her leg has to be amputated her foot is black a horrible sight. She was having the surgery today and my cousin called and said it went well. I really don't think she is going to handle the outcome of all this. Now she will be wheelchair bound, I am going to help all I can she doesn't live near me and I know that she is going to have to be put in a nursing home for round the clock care.
Hope all my friends are fine, hope to hear from all of you soon. oxoxoxo Judy
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hello, every one hope your days was good? mine was bad transmission went in my husbands car. had to drag th kids out of bed at 5:00 to take him to work had to call in to work, my boss called me asking do i need some one to cover those extra shift? i was like no i will have acar by the week end i was so pissed. i only work 1 or 2 days a week but to be nice i took about 4 extra shifts and then hes giving me guff i was so ready to quit because i dont have enough already to do every day but i think it will be the last time i vulenteer for more hours. he doesnt yell at he full time girls when they all in sick. i was reading a post and the person talked about a level 4 in demintia what is that? also my dad has also accused me of stealing money from him its anywhere from 10 to 40 thousand bucks believe me i didnt do it becasue 1 im not a thief and 2 he would acuse me first and 3 if i did which i didnt but if it was 40 thousand i would far from here. i would have moved so FAST, id leave skidd marks haha. I think he gave it to his girlfriend and he doesnt want to admit it or he hid it and forgot or there never was money he just thinks there was. oh well i blame my sister if she let him have that kinda money in the house and it was truly stolen then she should be ashamed of her self she is not doing a very good job as his stuward. there not much we can do about it i really think there was no money and he just thinks there was. well better go to bed have to get up at 4:00 to take husband to work then get kids ready for school drop them off by 8:15 and then go to wrok till 2:30 pick up husband from work and then the kids from school make supper and try not to fall down from exhaustion. im sureif you wrote sown every thing you did nin one day you would be amazed that your still standing by the end of the day. heres to a good nights sleep and hard working americans ps where is our bail out. haha miak pps if you ever want to have fun try going to wallmark at 10:30 at night its very quit and you can brows all you want and theres noone to bug you . just a thought.
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Miak
I love your post-dear lady how can you keep your sense of humor-if I had your life I would be crying or yelling all the time-you are my hero. Judy it is so good of you to help your aunt, the husband came home yesterday from the hosp. he had refused to go to rehab then we foind out he could not anyway because he had been in the hosp. three times since being out of rehab and has to be home 60 days-that seems to be new rules and we can not get medicare home care and I had to cut down on our paid aide by one day after making out a budget, oh well if you all can cope with all your problems I guess I will also
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