Advice on how to deal with live-in mother?

Wow - I feel a lot better after reading these posts. My mom has dementia and is unable to tell night from day any more - sleeps in the daytime and wanders at night. But she's still mostly the sweet Mama I always had. Some days I want to scream at her, but she usually wouldn't understand if I did. I've enrolled her in a daycare program that starts Monday to give me some alone time and maybe get the house cleaned up just once. Wish me luck that she will adjust and learn to enjoy her time away from me. God bless all of you - hang in there - you'll be glad you did when it's all over. Lira

sorry to say lira, there is nothing wrong with my mother other than pure dee old meanness. she is a control freak. and, i will never be glad for the suffering i have done in the last two years. i am 64 years old and i do not think i will out live the old witch. i absolutely hate her. there is never a time that i dont. she is a pain in my behind.

Donna, please think about calling your Area Agency on Aging - the national directory is here http://www.n4a.org/ and they will be able to get you the contact information for your area's offices. At the very least they should be able to get you a little respite and they probably will have some other services that could possibly make things a little easier for you. I feel so badly for you being so unhappy and you are in my prayers. Peace, Betsy.

Hi everyone- itis so good to be back-my computer was broke and my son was finally to get it fixed-I missed you all but you were in my thoughts and prayers. My back is still very painful but i know I am doing things I should not be doing but have to-will be having another xray this week to see if the two fractures are healed. Looking forward to getting caught up with all of you.

Shadylady
I hope you stay on this site-you were one of those who helped me when I first came to this site and your friendship and wisdom was so great-it did me good to hear about others lives and I realized I had it a lot easier then most of you and helped me decide to try to keep the husband home instead of a nursig home-you not being here would be a great loss to us.

justice, I agree with what you have said. Not being able to care for onesself and having to rely on others for care has to be entirely depressing, not to mention isolating and confining. lirabawy, enjoy your well-deserved respite! shady and neonwocky, feelings are always worth sharing and what you have to share is meaningful and may help to release some of those overwhelming emotions.
God bless all caregivers...and those whom we watch over. We all walk on eggshells regardless of which side of the fence we may be on, because we are human

Part of my post was cut off. Our loved ones (or relatives being cared for who may be unloved) cry real tears just as we do, experience physical pain and anxiety just like anyone else, become testy, and are as unreasonable as anyone else. There is a range of emotions for a caregiver and no doubt an equally intense range of emotions for individuals who are physically and/or mentally disabled.

hello my mother has alzheimer's and she drives me crazy. she forgets things with in seconds i know thats what happens and i try to have patients. but in all reality who can cope with that, its times where i just want to just leave but no one else will help i have brothers they are not much help. so i feeling stressed out how do i cope and be stress free somebody please help!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

jamil, wish i could say i could help you cope with the stress, but, alas, we are on our own there. this site has been a life saver for many of us. My mom still drives me crazy, but some times words of wisdom from others keep me from being so overwhelmed. sunshine, you are right, all of us, including our charges, have the same range of emotions, sometimes it is easily forgotten. thank you for bringing that to our attention. austin, glad to see you back. hope you are lots better and glad you got your lifeline (computer) working!! everyone have a blessed day and try to remember to laugh at least once in a while, no matter how bad your day seems,
Donna

jamil - I'm trying to cope with the same thing. If you read sunshine's last post, it should help. It helps me cope when I think that inside my mom's jumbled mind, she must be scared silly. Nothing makes sense to her

Hello everyone, I new to this site. I am now caring for my mother for the 2nd time in my life. This time, it is long-term. I wish I could say that she has been battling diabetes for years now, but she never did anything to actually help herself on that end. She has now been officially diagnosed with dementia. My mother has always been quite verbally abusive with me. Has now become worse with her situation. The horrible things she says to me! The most recent, just made me angry! As I was cleaning up her urine from not making it to the bathroom on time, for the 3rd time that day, she was telling someone how I did nothing for her. I was so angry!! I moved from my home. My life. To take care of her. I have no job as she can't be left alone. I have absolutely no social life. I dress her, bath her, cut her meat for her, administer her insulin and other meds. How hurt and angry I was. I keep trying to tell myself, that NO I don't do enough for her. Its true. Everything that she can still remember doing or WANTS to do. I can't do those for her. I was recently very ill myself, and I was angry because I couldn't stand for more than 5 minutes without being in a lot of pain. I couldn't do what I needed or wanted. So I think of that. No matter how angry I was, my mom is more angry than I can imagine. I know in my mind and others know too. That I do what I can. I'm just a sounding board. That's better to think of than thinking I am what she says I am in her rants.

Hello, KelleyBean. It sure is hard to ignore those comments coming from a loved one for whom you are caring when you know in your heart that you are doing your very best and working as hard and as fast as you can. Your post reminds me how much some of us crave approval and validation outside of ourselves. If it never comes from someone else, what I learned long ago in employment working for a boss who never made the time to offer any positive reinforcement is that regardless of whether she acknwoedged my work, or not, I had done a terrific job and I told her that on my last day on that job when she told me for the first time that I had done a great job. I told her that had I waited on her to hear those words, I would have quit a long time earlier. The same holds true for me as a caregiver. My own validation and confirmation that I am knocking myself out to keep my Mom well-cared for and away from the stone-cold long-term care industry is sufficient validation for me in my heart. When our loved ones age and become physically and cognitively impaired, there comes a day where I say that it is no longer reasonable or fair for me to look to my loved one for validation. She now has different ways of affirming our bond. I must accept that. Otherwise, it becomes me imposing my unrealistic expectation on someone whom I love with all my heart whose health is steadily declining. Don't lose heart. Look within and I promise you will find new strength for the long and rough journey you have chosen. May God bless you as you continue to care for your Mom now that she most needs someone who loves her to be there for her.

I know that I have it easier than a lot of people who post here. My mother does not have dementia, she actually gives me credit for keeping her on a low-sodium diet that has kept her chronic CHF in check for over a year and I am able to leave her alone for several hours at a stretch. But having said that, she tends to be negative and can be critical and say hurtful things. The reason that is so hurtful is because deep down we all have the expectation that this is our MOM. She is supposed to nurture and protect and encourage you and when that stops happening (or when it's never been the case) it hurts in a very deep and fundamental part of your spirit. I think that is true of everybody.

Donna, you are most welcome. Because of declining health and cognitive issues, it is so easy for some of us caregivers to just focus on symptoms, forgetting that there are scared individuals with dashed hopes and dreams who have suddenly become so vulnerable, just like you and me. Thank you.

lirabawy, thanks for your timely reminder for me that it is normal to be "scared silly" when "nothing makes sense" to someone who has a cognitive impairment. Sometimes it is hard to fully grasp that concept, but your words have cleared some cobwebs from my brain. Thanks so much for putting it so simply and clearly. That is why caregivers supporting each other is so neat. We can learn from each other.

brclark, so true. We are vested in the authority of the relationship even when health erodes the natural order of the relationship.

jamil, sad to say, the stress is part-and-parcel of the package of caregiving. The best way I have of managing my stress is to ensure that every single day finds me doing at least one thing that I enjoy, be it for 5 minutes, if that is all I may have to spare that day, or for up to 4 hours, if I am fortunate on any given day. For me, that is more than enough to keep my life in balance. Little things keep me happy and remind me to smile and I allow myself to cry when I feel any tears wanting to go away. Tears can be healing, at least for me. Then, honk your nose, wipe your eyes, and look up at the sky. The sky is always beautiful.

Apparently I don't do enough either.

I should be more patient, I should try and understand that this is just temporary, according to him, that he will be able to take care of himself again soon.

I need to be more patient....I need to do for him from the time he wakes up until he goes to bed, I don't do enough to take a break....but if I really need one, I am to just leave him home alone and go get myself some coffee.

I can't leave him home alone. And I take breaks rather he likes it or not.

KELLYBEAN
I know how much it hurts when they tell people that you don't do anything for them-the husband always said that -he is bipolor and really believes it is true but I know others know that is not true and if they believe him they can blow it out their ear, it is just something they do maybe it makes them feel better.I wrote a list for our pastor at his request of all the things I was willing to do and it was a LONG one when I showed it to the husband-he said but what are you doing for me.I am glad you are with us on this site.

Greyson, sometimes that early morning drive for a cup of my favorite coffee is the only break I know I will have for the entire day. The early rising and early drive before the world starts to stir is heaven sent for me. So is making my own coffee and sitting quietly on my sofa before the rest of the world starts to stir. Precious minutes, or sometimes precious seconds, and occasionally, precious hours. I have yet to find a formula other than rolling with the punches of life. Bless you. Hope you get to enjoy a cup of coffee tomorrow morning before the world starts to stir. It is great not having a chore or a care in the world, even for a few precious seconds.

sunshine,
I do the same thing. My mother doesn't sleep the whole night through. Needless to say I rarely sleep myself. Late at night, when I know she will be out for at least 2 hours, I drive down to the local all night store and get some hot cocoa or something. It's cold out, but I also walk slowly back into the building. Everything is so quiet and peaceful at those times.

I so understand! You be careful late at night, ok? Once-in-awhile, I do a night drive just to enjoy the cooler fresh air and a leisurely, albeit brief, breather. Thanks for sharing that, KelleyBean. Your sharing our similarity in outlook is uplifting. I am dead tired tonight after a day of being on standby for service people and juggling some organizing tasks. Feels like a full day's work. God bless you, Kelley.

hello. I am new to the site and read several pages of dialogue. My 87 year old mother lives with me and vice versa. I bought the house we live from her a little over a year ago. We have lived together and been each other's support since my husband left me with a 5 year old son over 20 years ago. About 3 years ago my brother and I started noticing some changes in mom's memory and her physical stability. He was divorced and lived in the garage apartment at the time. That same year he was diagnosed with AML(acute myloid lukemia) and passed away that same November. My mom became a bit more incapable and worried about herself and her health after this. The next year my older sister was diagnosed with breast cancer. I spent part of annual leave trying to take care and help her in a state about 700 miles from where we live. My mom was left mostly alone at home during this time. My son would check in with her and my other sister did check on her some also. By the end of that year mom was noticably to me anyway changing. She was no longer the strong women that she had always been and the rock I had always counted on. 2008 has continued to be ever changing in her and her capibalities. She can still mostly take care of herself but forgets things often and that is scary especially when she is cooking. She was always there for me to talk to about things but she no longer is able to have deep conversations. I could always count on her to give me hugs when things were hard and now she thinks only she has difficultues. I am having a very difficuly time with my mom getting older and not being my mom. I feel so alone. She and I have been close for so long and now it is like I have lost her even though she is still here. I hurt watching her and not seeing the emotionally strong woman I have always known and looked up to. I miss my mom even though I am with her every day. Life has changed and I am not ready for it to change. Going through menopause along with this is not an enjoyable experience. :(

Jedsmom, I understand what you are going thru. My mom and I have always been together and like you, I could count on her. Not anymore. I get upset because she isn't my mom anymore. It is very hard to see this on a person that you love and care about. Just understand that we are not alone, all of us are going thru one thing or another with our parents. Some of us might not write anything but we all read them anyway. Take care and remember that you are not alone.
Ply

i feel so guilty at times when I get frustrated with my mom. I sometimes snap answers at her when she asks me the same things several times. I pray for God to give me patience and to help me be the best daughter I can be. this evening I got so frustrated with her over her meidcal bills which I had sorted and had ready waiting on some insurance papers and she brought them out again tonight and had them all mixed up again. I don't know when she did it. I work at my job during the day and she is here alone. I guess she looks for things that are on her mind and this is what happens. I felt my BP going up and my head feeling like it would explode, so I just had to get and walk into the other room for a while. I love her very much but sometimes it is so hard to remember. Thanks for listening to my worries.

It is hard to work and then go home to something unknown. Unknown cause you don't know what awaits you. I also snap at mom and then ask God for forgiveness and to give me more patience. I find myself crying in any room that I might be in. I can't tell you that things will get better because they won't. Maybe you should look for some help, ask your doctor. I did.

Jeds mom, your outline sounds very much mine. my brother died 3 years ago in november also, suddenly of heart failure. My mother has lived with me since 2001, and i have taken care of her. She and i used to have a lot of fun and were supportive of one another. this is no more. very often, and i mean nearly every day, i see my mom going thru the drawers in her chest. she will move things from one drawer into another, or sometimes into a suitcase. then she forgets where she put them and thnks that i have done something with them. She has bought clothes that she has never worn, but says that i have put them there(i havent) she gets very angry when i tell her that she bought them and tell her which store, she swears that i am trying to make her think she has lost her mind? she has lost her atm card, her social security card and the key to her safe deposit box. all of these things she used to keep very close watch on. i cancelled the atm card, and am in the process of getting her a new ss card, but have no idea where the key is. i have looked and looked, and she keeps saying that i took it and hid it from her. Then i get very angry and snap at her too. she never seems hurt by it, just continues to accuse me of taking her money, her keys, her clothes and putting unknown clothes in her closet to make her think she is losing her mind. I agree it is maddening. I do not work outside the home, so, unfortunately, i am with it 24/7, therefore, i am a little envious of those of you who do at least have the break of going to work. wish i could my self. anyway, i agree with plychata, it is not gonna get much better. hope we can help you in some small ways. the people on this site are unbelievably understanding and nonjudgemental. hang in there
Donna

Everyone here who is a care giver for a parent or loved one. Please consider this. If the one your caring for can afford a companion aid to come in 1-3 days a week or a few hours a day. Get them one ASAP. Do not give up your time or time with raising your children. I don't think when we were born our parents thought this situation would ever happen. "The child taking care of the parent" There are many affordable agencies as well as independent licensed care givers at affordable prices. Think it over and remember to take care of your self.
Blessings
Laurie

I've got my mom in daycare at an Alzheimer's facility 2-3 days a week. I think it's going to save what sanity I have left. When I consider that she took care of me for the first 15 years of my life - I don't know how she did it. But I owe her the best I've got right now - no children at home, so it's easier for me. Do remember to take care of yourselves (all of you).

God bless you and give you peace -Lira

Two things:
shadylady... sounds like my mother in law when she lived with us several years ago she had dementia and alzheimers one in the same I am thinking after reading all your posts. sounds like you are going thru a rough time I know I did. After about a year of that she went back to her daughters to live it didn't seem to bother her as much as it did me I also had a 16 year old boy at that time and she would run around the house naked etc so I had to make a choice. She had left her daughters to come to live with us thinking she could have more pleasure and we did provide that she got out more she got her hair done and nails and out to eat, shopping etc. I hope you can deal with this because it is hard not to take it personally. She acused my son of stealing her panites etc what 16 year old wants old lady drawers LOL so back to her daughters she went and than it wasn't long she died. I felt guilty for a long time she was also a diabetic and I took really good care of her she didn't always like it because it is scarry for them when their independence is all but gone.

Now #2 I am looking for suggestions. I am now taking care of my mother. long story short her back hurts all the time, she lies to her doctor so he now only sees her every 6 months because she will not do anything he asks her to do or I tell her to do she's over weight high blood pressure, will not exercise, will not do anything around the house except fix herself something to eat and every now and then unload, load and run the dishwasher and do her laundry, her room is approx. 15 steps from the bathroom we leave the hall light on at night. She took my tiny little trash can I used by my desk at home and she pees in it at night. My mother is a big woman and thinking it would be easier for her to use I brought down the pottie that I used for my dad before he died. She picked it up and put it in the living room and said she will not use it because its for invalids! Well, I am going to get the little waste basket out of her room, she doesn't want anyone in her room, my house I must say, and I do give her some privacy but she won't take a shower or bath we have things for her to hold onto so I have a seat you put in the tub refuses to use that well she can't pull herself up out of the tub so whats next if she gets sick and she doesn't bathe enough if and when she ever goes to the hospital she will be a grand candidate for MRSA. Do I make myself sick worrying about all of this. The big thing with the little can is if her back hurts so bad she can't dust or sweep or anything than she shouldn't be squatting over a little can and perhaps fall, shes' done that before, than its clean the carpet well the little string of dominos that goes on and on forever you all know what I mean. So I am open to ideas. and I thank you in advance. neon

mlv
think long and hard before you add the addition. i did that five years ago because i was so tired or going down to their house to get the paper, get the mail, pay the bills, bring cooked food, fill meds, clean their house, mow the yard etc. everything had to be at a certain time. i have three children then they were 15,10

I just finished reading a new book "MEMORY LESSONS" - by Jerald Winakur, a geriatrician. He eloquently and poetically describes the challenges faced not only taking care of the elderly, but also in taking care of his own seriously failing parents.
It explores both at home and institutional care, but does it in a very personal empathic way. As a psychologist who deals with the elderly and their families, I found this beautifully written and very helpful.
Dr. Charles Merrill