Hi! Loneliness is usually the flip side of being over-stressed. Currently I’m both. Stuck on a farm with only sheep to talk to, not physically well enough to do much, drinking too much red wine in the evenings, 3 hour drive to get to the closest very small town and back, husband 1500 kms away in a truck and in the shed all day when he’s home, can’t do craft stuff because it involves holding your arms out and that gives me a bad bad thoracic scoliosis backache. Plus major problems involved in selling the farm that I ought to sort out because of my legal background, even though all the rules have now changed about land transfers.
That’s why I spend so much time on this site, nagging other people half a world away! I invite you to feel useful by nagging me! I'm not joking. Focussing on someone else's (very different) inadequacies might make you feel a tiny bit better. Be my guest!
Aureola, I am glad you have work. It helped me in times of grief to be able to pour myself into work. I did lots of doubles at the time, I recall. Glad of the friends as well.
Thanks a lot again. Right, indeed I have a full time job (adults teacher) but I have been granted one month leave permission (without a salary) to take care of my mum while she is recovering well.
I reached out to my old friends but they are busy living their lives; in fact, they were only buddies to hang out with not real friends but I keep contact with them. Because of my job, I have been transferred to a small town in the mountains . I have to be here for 9 months so it is almost impossible to hang out with old friends although I try to keep in touch with them via Whatssap. Anyway, I know my mindset has to change. Thanks a lot for your support. It means the world to me, right now.
Like AlvaDeer said nothing is easy in life. We just make it easier. Accepting LO is going to die is first step. Creating your own life little by little is second or first actually. I am guessing I am close to your age and I am caregiver for husband with Parkinson’s, it is not deadly but many conditions associated with that disease can be fatal. I accept that. Although often anxiety wins. I fight that in my own way to concentrate on nice things, creating, friends, reading, I keep busy with studying, socializing, exercising whatever I feel like it. I make sure I have time for myself. It may sound harsh, but I do care about myself and what I want in life and I employ every possible help to distance myself from disease. Respite, programs, PT, people help with chores and exercises, friends often offer help with appointments. Unapologetic selfishness and self preservation.
Sarah3, no it isn't easy. NOTHING in life is easy. Life takes hard work and diligence. In my own way I enumerated a number of ways to seek connection. Everyplace has ways for people to connect with other people. It is a matter of going out and doing it; it doesn't come to you.
Again, we are responsible for ourselves when we are grownups. We have to make decisions on EVERYTHING in our lives. On looking both ways when we cross the street, on whether to date a person or not date a person, on what we do with our spare time.
Often our sympathy doesn't serve people well. It keeps them stuck telling their same story, stuck in their habitual ways of thinking and reacting, stuck hoping for the only thing they get typically, which is someone offering sympathy. Sympathy is all well and good, but then we sometimes need a wakeup call, a reminder that most things are in our OWN hands, are our own choices.
Again. It isn't easy. I am 81. NOTHING in life has been easy. It still isn't easy. But we have to be proactive in our own behalf, because the sympathy of others just won't give us the joy, self esteem and pride that progressing will.
Just my humble opinion. But then, hey, I listen to Dr Laura, and anyone who has heard her would know that I myself am a lightweight compared!
I’m so sorry for your loss. Unfortunately there are a lot of people who find themselves without the real connections and support needed. We’re born with the need for meaningful connections with others, some advice here such as go participate in a faith community obviously doesn’t apply to alot of people, it’s fine for those it does but it’s known by most that doesn’t apply to everyone. For those who don’t have connections that are meaningful is detrimental to well being. I’m surprised that some answers imply it’s an easy thing to make those connections, feeling socially disconnected from others is something many people suffer from. I really hope you’ll feel supported here by some, I know it’s not easy. Another issue that’s increased loneliness and isolation as a whole is how the advent of texting and social media messaging has replaced phone conversations and getting together for coffee. I know this may or may not apply here but it’s a fact humans as mammals are wired to need meaningful in person connections w others- sorry if this is a bit repetitive but I think it’s important to highlight bc many have lost sight of how much of a role it plays in what mental health professionals have identified as an epidemic of loneliness. Thanks for coming here I hope you find some good support here you can dm me if you want
Aureola, None of us are born with friends. We all have to make friends. We all have to reach out in a community to those who are like minded, who volunteer for organizations we thing do great work, and to our faith based community (if we are believers) for a sense of community.
I would encourage you to focus on others, rather than on yourself and your own needs. I can tell you that every bit of work you put into helping others will build your own self esteem and sense of worth.
We are all basically on our own in life. Our parents come and go. Our brothers and sisters do as well, and as someone who has lost parents and my dearly beloved brother, I understand your feelings. We all eventually even lose our children. They are meant to fly the nest and at best they DO SO. We are alone and must make our way through the world creating connections for ourselves. It isn't enough to sit and concentrate on all the negatives in our lives. We ALL HAVE THEM; and if we don't, they are coming. My heart goes out to you that you lost your sister three years ago, but it is time now for you to make sisters of the heart. Work hard, exercise, take care of yourself, help your Mom in her last years, and do for others. You will regain a sense of self love in that manner.
Best out to you. I am sorry for your grief in the loss of your sister. My bro was my dearest companion and helpmate, and I shall always miss him, but I do him NO HONOR if I sit and lament his loss forever. I do him honor by trying to help others.
My apologies for the lost of your sister. I am sorry to hear it.
Now let me give you the most valuable piece of advice you'll ever have.
GET A LIFE!
I don't mean to sound harsh to you because we are the same age and I know what it's like to lose touch with your own life because I lived it. Only my mother is an abusive, gaslighting narcissist who I believe sincerely took joy in my pain.
Friends, acquaintances, lovers, etc... aren't going to show up one day and knock on the door. You have to put yourself out there a little bit. Don't be afraid.
Why not call an old friend? Or reach out to them on Facebook or some other social media site? Sure, it might be a little awkward and uncomfortable at first reconnecting with people again, but it's definitely worth it.
With me, I got brought so low and so miserable spending day in and day out with my mother's misery and negativity that I was almost driven to an act of desperation. I came back from it because I dragged myself out of that hole. I forced myself to reconnect with people and put myself back in the world. It was all worth it. As hard and depressed as you may be, you have to force yourself back into the world. Your mother cannot be your whole life.
I don't know if you work or not but if you don't, get a job. Not only will you be earning money, you'll be getting out of the house and will be connecting with people. Join a church group. Or a book club. Or a support group. Anything social will help you.
Why not get out of the house and reaquaint yourself with your old friends again? Mum is independent and as such, does not require your presence 24/7, so why not get out some and not feel so lonely and depressed? I can't imagine mum wants you giving up your entire life for her!
Emotional conflict. As a carer, you are stressed out but this is the only meaningful connection in my life cause I have no regular contact with long time friends, my only sis, six years my junior, died almost three years ago and I am single and childless. So the person she used to be will get lost at some point and this is sad for you , especially when you have nobody else near you. I mean it is only her and me right now. I meant: Are you in a similar case? I am 51 and it is not very stressful yet cause she is still independent.........but I often think that I will the only carer and if I don't die after her (you never know) I will have to witness her death as did my sis's. I meant Is anyone that lonely? I live in Europe.
That’s why I spend so much time on this site, nagging other people half a world away! I invite you to feel useful by nagging me! I'm not joking. Focussing on someone else's (very different) inadequacies might make you feel a tiny bit better. Be my guest!
I reached out to my old friends but they are busy living their lives; in fact, they were only buddies to hang out with not real friends but I keep contact with them. Because of my job, I have been transferred to a small town in the mountains . I have to be here for 9 months so it is almost impossible to hang out with old friends although I try to keep in touch with them via Whatssap. Anyway, I know my mindset has to change. Thanks a lot for your support. It means the world to me, right now.
My mom is the only person I interact with.
We just make it easier.
Accepting LO is going to die is first step.
Creating your own life little by little is second or first actually.
I am guessing I am close to your age and I am caregiver for husband with Parkinson’s, it is not deadly but many conditions associated with that disease can be fatal.
I accept that. Although often anxiety wins. I fight that in my own way to concentrate on nice things, creating, friends, reading, I keep busy with studying, socializing, exercising whatever I feel like it. I make sure I have time for myself.
It may sound harsh, but I do care about myself and what I want in life and I employ every possible help to distance myself from disease. Respite, programs, PT, people help with chores and exercises, friends often offer help with appointments.
Unapologetic selfishness and self preservation.
NOTHING in life is easy.
Life takes hard work and diligence.
In my own way I enumerated a number of ways to seek connection. Everyplace has ways for people to connect with other people. It is a matter of going out and doing it; it doesn't come to you.
Again, we are responsible for ourselves when we are grownups. We have to make decisions on EVERYTHING in our lives. On looking both ways when we cross the street, on whether to date a person or not date a person, on what we do with our spare time.
Often our sympathy doesn't serve people well. It keeps them stuck telling their same story, stuck in their habitual ways of thinking and reacting, stuck hoping for the only thing they get typically, which is someone offering sympathy. Sympathy is all well and good, but then we sometimes need a wakeup call, a reminder that most things are in our OWN hands, are our own choices.
Again. It isn't easy. I am 81. NOTHING in life has been easy. It still isn't easy. But we have to be proactive in our own behalf, because the sympathy of others just won't give us the joy, self esteem and pride that progressing will.
Just my humble opinion. But then, hey, I listen to Dr Laura, and anyone who has heard her would know that I myself am a lightweight compared!
For those who don’t have connections that are meaningful is detrimental to well being. I’m surprised that some answers imply it’s an easy thing to make those connections, feeling socially disconnected from others is something many people suffer from. I really hope you’ll feel supported here by some, I know it’s not easy. Another issue that’s increased loneliness and isolation as a whole is how the advent of texting and social media messaging has replaced phone conversations and getting together for coffee. I know this may or may not apply here but it’s a fact humans as mammals are wired to need meaningful in person connections w others- sorry if this is a bit repetitive but I think it’s important to highlight bc many have lost sight of how much of a role it plays in what mental health professionals have identified as an epidemic of loneliness. Thanks for coming here I hope you find some good support here you can dm me if you want
I would encourage you to focus on others, rather than on yourself and your own needs. I can tell you that every bit of work you put into helping others will build your own self esteem and sense of worth.
We are all basically on our own in life. Our parents come and go. Our brothers and sisters do as well, and as someone who has lost parents and my dearly beloved brother, I understand your feelings. We all eventually even lose our children. They are meant to fly the nest and at best they DO SO. We are alone and must make our way through the world creating connections for ourselves. It isn't enough to sit and concentrate on all the negatives in our lives. We ALL HAVE THEM; and if we don't, they are coming. My heart goes out to you that you lost your sister three years ago, but it is time now for you to make sisters of the heart. Work hard, exercise, take care of yourself, help your Mom in her last years, and do for others. You will regain a sense of self love in that manner.
Best out to you. I am sorry for your grief in the loss of your sister. My bro was my dearest companion and helpmate, and I shall always miss him, but I do him NO HONOR if I sit and lament his loss forever. I do him honor by trying to help others.
Now let me give you the most valuable piece of advice you'll ever have.
GET A LIFE!
I don't mean to sound harsh to you because we are the same age and I know what it's like to lose touch with your own life because I lived it. Only my mother is an abusive, gaslighting narcissist who I believe sincerely took joy in my pain.
Friends, acquaintances, lovers, etc... aren't going to show up one day and knock on the door.
You have to put yourself out there a little bit. Don't be afraid.
Why not call an old friend? Or reach out to them on Facebook or some other social media site? Sure, it might be a little awkward and uncomfortable at first reconnecting with people again, but it's definitely worth it.
With me, I got brought so low and so miserable spending day in and day out with my mother's misery and negativity that I was almost driven to an act of desperation. I came back from it because I dragged myself out of that hole. I forced myself to reconnect with people and put myself back in the world. It was all worth it.
As hard and depressed as you may be, you have to force yourself back into the world. Your mother cannot be your whole life.
I don't know if you work or not but if you don't, get a job. Not only will you be earning money, you'll be getting out of the house and will be connecting with people.
Join a church group. Or a book club. Or a support group. Anything social will help you.
Why not get out of the house and reaquaint yourself with your old friends again? Mum is independent and as such, does not require your presence 24/7, so why not get out some and not feel so lonely and depressed? I can't imagine mum wants you giving up your entire life for her!
Best of luck to you
I meant Is anyone that lonely? I live in Europe.