Hello Aging Care Forum,
It's been awhile for me, so firstly hoping well to everyone, including having gotten through the holidays and New Year as peacefully as possible.
As the title suggests, I am currently in a bit of a dilemma about it because I have been very low contact and live states away from them. But the N sis texted the other day about the mom being in the hospital; something I knew was inevitable due to her being a senior in her upper 80's and past health problems. She used to live 15 minutes away from me, so I was the one running to the hospital and responding to her and my grandmother's (lived in her own home about 30 minutes away; recently deceased) health, home, and holiday issues. I finally said enough after years of this with the N sis getting violent with me on one visit. This wasn't even about them, it was something ridiculous about a friend of mine that the N sis was trying to start drama over nothing. It was so reckless, it opened my eyes all the way, as I knew something wasn't right with these three, and made me question my future interactions within this family dynamic that had shrunk over the years mostly due to many of the more positive members unfortunately passing on. I miss them because they didn't pose a threat to me like especially this N sis does.
Fast-forward to after my declaring that I had to tend to my own life; the N sis moved this grandmother and mom where she lives. The grandmom stayed in a home for a short time until her passing. For the sake of peace and feeling safer, I wasn't speaking to them at that time until her passing where the N sis got in contact with me and family members about the funeral arrangements. I prayed on it, got advice from forums like this, and ended up going and decided to make low contact with them during holidays and birthdays. But this time, I would only send messages and call the mom out of respect.
With the low contact in place, it mostly worked peacefully and I wouldn't respond whenever a few fishing lines were thrown my way. And I told myself I would only be in person one more time: in the event something happened to mom, like grandmother (as long as others are around, the N sis tends to portray to be a nice person).
It's just two things I am thinking about: 1) As I feel more comfortable and used to talking to my mom whenever I am in touch, for the fisrt time she hasn't responded to my text/call to check on how she's doing; so I am not sure how ill she is, because I heard it has to do with swelling. Still, I understand if she can't talk. 2) However, I can't bring myself to get in touch with the N sis to find out more, as I never know how she'll react; she can be as unpredictable verbally as physically abusive.
She did say she would let us know how the mom is doing in her text, and I did leave the mom my 'get well' message. However, that was two days ago.
Should I just wait to hear back (my preferred way), or does it seem cold to not reach out again, being this is my mom?
One more thing: I'm currently not working and looking to get myself back there, including independently, which is taking all my time. But mostly, I am worried about finances with sending her get-well flowers, etc, flying down there and if I did fly down, the cost of a hotel: I am not trying to stay at the N sis', even with having a big house.
Phew! I know it's a lot. But if anyone can relate and answer on any of this, I'd love to know your wise viewpoints.
I looked at this thing with mom as my last go-round to do out of respect and focusing on the better parts of the past, though overall I feel I wasn't really appreciated and didn't always feel safe or at peace=too many reckless events.
So, heaven forbid she is not long for this world. I always wanted to pay my love and and respect that would help with closure and peace.
But this not being normal dynamics, I could use clarity on this issue; it can be hard just reaching out with a simple text to the N sis.
Thanks for any advice! 🙏🏼
Agreed.❣️🙏🏻
I learned a long time ago , not to worry what others think in these type of situations. You have to do what you feel comfortable with . If you can’t afford to go to the funeral or don’t want to be near the toxic people then don’t .
How are you? Boy, it's good to see your reply and I miss speaking with you on here.
Yes, I sure do know of what you speak when you said it has to be a two way street for any relationship to work. I was just thinking about that earlier, how cold she used to be about things I 'd buy her and how she either let my gifts go to waste or complain I didn't know how to give one. Stuff like that, plus more until I said enough with her, the Nsis and covert N grandmother. I exited stage left and told myself I wouldn't come around unless of a sickness or worse. I stepped in for a moment with the grandmom's funeral, would begin texting (but not visit) pleasantries back and forth during some holidays/birthdays, and here we are now with the mom in the hospital.
So, we have been able to text each other get well/thanks giffy type messages and I was able to wish her well on her upcoming operation. I know God is helping me through all this for which I am grateful. And I truly love and wish my Mom the best. I'm glad we're at a more peaceful place of being able to communicate now. I only ever wanted to have peace, respect, and positivity with us.
How are you and your family, including your fur baby? I hope you all had a blessed holiday. Man, it goes too fast. I've just been chilling and treating myself especially during those times after years of being the one there for the N mom and Grandmother. Because it's something I'd always wanted to do during the holidays: nothing, except to cook myself special meals, take a picture of my chef masterpieces, chow down, and just spazz out. You know how that goes after trying to please them for so long.
And when the Nsis took them under her wing, I had no objections. The sad part is with her around, all bets are certainly off for me. Once upon a time, I could've handled working it out as a team, but you're not going to think you can mistreat me. I might see her again for taking care of family business, but my Mom is the only close elder still here.
I just hate the thought of having to walk away from my nephew, who's close to his Mom. And he is so respectful, God bless his heart. That part hurts thinking I can't be around them due to his Mom.
Like you stated, 'Grieving for what could have been'. Such a shame and waste, for sure. But it also made us stronger and closer to Him up above. I can't be mad at that!
God bless you and thanks so much ❣️🙏🏼
KNOW that you went above and beyond for a lot of years, only to be taken advantage of and treated awfully, that's on them. You can rest knowing that you did your best and they blew it.
I have to say that it is challenging to deal with the loss when the people gone were so difficult and awful to you. When my mom died I didn't know what to feel but, I know I grieved for what could have been but, I know that all relationships are 2 way streets and she would never get on the road and I couldn't be the only one working at it, I think you know of what I speak.
Take care of you and prepare yourself for her death under this type of condition, because it may not be now but, it will be the same nonsense whenever it is.
Stay away from that sister, she is dangerous and you do not deserve that.
Great big warm hug! May The Lord give you strength, peace and courage for this difficult time.
As for funeral, if that happens, why go and set yourself up for abuse from NSis? Remember mom
in your own way, privately.
I am so sorry you’re having to deal with this. Take care of yourself first.
I hear you on that. While I feel like the Nsis probably has her phone, I might keep doing that.
Thanks! 👍🏻
Thank you for your great advice. It has helped me to think on it from other viewpoints.
MeDolly,
It resonated what you said about taking the backseat view. I felt that way when the Nsis came to step up more, which was when I began less contact with them. At the same time, I was wondering if it's cool to do that when this person who is sick is my mother? When I say 'cool', I don't mean with society as much in the eyes of our Higher power. And I guess it's because I wad used to running to the hospital to support her. Sitting back feels more peaceful, but new. As long as God is good with it, I'm fine.
Lealonnie,
I hope that clarifies what I meant by it being 'cool'. It's that I don't want God and karma to be disappointed in me; as in not failing a test. And yes, I genuinely care about my mother because I can think of some good moments/events. But I always felt that the Nsis is a bit higher than her on that narc scale, so now I am faced with weighing and judging if messing with my peace of mind is worth constantly being in touch with her about this situation, or to do it as minimally as possible. Plus, you know how they love the attention at any cost.
Thanks again! 🥰🙏🏼☮️🆓️
Honestly I don't care about her or your relationship with her.
What is the story with your MOTHER.
She may be in her last days. If you have little relationship with her left, or if you and she didn't/don't get along, then simply thank sis for updates and let it ALL GO.
If mother is kind and loving and you wish to see her, then go to see her if you can afford it or send cards if sister tells you where she is at.
You already know her age and that she will be looking at end of life soon.
I would not attend funerals at all. She won't be there. Only those you dislike will be there.Spare yourself and don't go.
Again, you are a grownup. If you think that for your own sake or her sake or the sake of you both you should visit her if you can afford it, then do that.
If you think that the water is already gone from under the bridge and you are staring at a dry creek bed, then just thank sister for her updates and move on with you life.
If you leaving your Mom and sis has honestly be already a "goodbye" then it is done. You already said goodbye.
Only you can know. We have no details.
Oftentimes I find myself overly worried about "appearances" and find I have to step back and regroup. Ask myself to be honest WITH myself. And go from there.
If you're truly concerned for mother, reach out to twisted sister. If you don't want to appear cold for not reaching out, who cares what she thinks? Sit back and wait for an update.
Best of luck.
So, I would do nothing at this time, if you get an emergency phone call or text, I would reevaluate the situation.
My mother is 98, she is a real narcissist, a "B" on wheels, I haven't spoken to her in 13 years, nor has anyone else except my brother, who was pushed into it when I backed away.
With that said, I do support him behind the scenes because I know what he is dealing with.
There will be no service for her, as there will be no one to attend. None of us will feel guilty, in fact it will be a relief, the years of torture will finally be over.
I think you need to do what is best for you. I do understand and wish you the best.