Today has been a rough day. My precious friend that has been in a board and care home for about 6 months died. He was 93 and fought the good fight, he has been reunited with his loved ones that have gone before. He will be sorely missed here.
The prayers are for my mom. She is in the hospital, she had a bowel obstruction that perforated, while they were doing surgery they found a mass that is colorectal cancer that has metastasized to her liver. She is in serious but stable condition and they are running tests and doing pathology before we will really know what the prognosis is.
I appreciate and covet any and all prayers for her. Whatever is meant to happen I pray she doesn't continue to suffer as she is now. Thankfully they have her on a pain pump and are keeping her fairly comfortable. They have left the surgery site open and it is very painful when she is awake, she cries out in pain. It is difficult to see any human being suffering so.
Thank you for the prayers.
She seems very entitled. "I'm your mother so I own you and you have to surrender your life to service my every need." "If you don't, then you're dead to me."
Does that sound close?
Same old gaslighting, finger pointing, game playing, self pity BS that has been her MO my entire life.
What responsible adult doesn't know that travel takes planning, being away from your responsibilities and job takes planning. Not to mention making sure everything you do for your family isn't just dumped without some guidance in what is what.
The actual conversation was me telling her that it would be Monday, today, before I could head up there. I was getting everything I needed to taken care of here, so I could be there.
I am so tired of her twisting every effort to some kind of victimization of her.
I informed her friend that I am available, on my terms but, my mom will pick up the phone and call me or I'm done. I am not going to be manipulated with BS when all I was trying to do was help.
I really hope she is okay. I will be called or I won't know what's going on.
If I caved now, she would make my life miserable because she wouldn't believe my boundaries.
I want everyone to know, this isn't an easy position to take. Enforcing boundaries with a parent is uncomfortable and often gut wrenching. But, it has to be done when you are dealing with someone that would devour you without a second thought.
There is no excuse for abuse, ever. It doesn't matter who it is. Protecting yourself is never wrong, no matter what anyone tries to tell you, how they try to guilt you or anything else. We are all justified in protecting ourselves, even if that means going no contact and the person suffers from their choices. We don't have to accept being abused.
You have contact with her friends who will likely let you know how she is. You have no control over her decisions and it sure doesn't look like there will be any kind of an epiphany on her part to allow you two to have a heathy relationship. I was just hoping I wouldn't get a jab when mother was on her deathbed. God was good and I didn't.
Keep your boundaries. You need that protection No explanations necessary here. BTDT. It's very tough Stay in a Good Orderly Direction. ((((((hugs)))))
Why do some people have an ‘all or nothing’ mentality? I am curious about this. My brother did this with me. I think he thought that he could intimidate me with this approach but in the end all it did was make me very angry and I either pushed back or cut him off completely.
Life is full of comprising situations but for some unknown reasons some people feel that they can have it all. They risk getting nothing and quite often, ‘nothing’ is what they end up with.
Oh well…we may never figure this stuff out, huh?
I am not going. I made the stipulation that she has to call because I know she won't and it gives her control over something that doesn't affect me. Calling will only result in me speaking with her and doing research. Because right now, I have no intention of calling her, maybe never again.
I knew when I was a little girl that I would never be a good daughter by her standards. I remember in kindergarten that we had a project to make a picture for our moms, using their favorite colors. When I asked her those colors she told me green and yellow, then when I gave her the picture she screamed "why would you use those colors? I hate those colors." I was very young but I knew something was very wrong, by the time I was 10, I knew I better be very careful with her and watch my back.
Nothing has changed 4 decades later except the Calender year.
I totally understand the deathbed hope. I think the only way my mom wouldn't sling an arrow is because she's unconscious.
Sorry for the wording that does look like I would go up. Nope! Just not very articulate sometimes.
The truly sad thing is that it works for so many, just look at the posts. People being abused and misused by their parents for their entire lives. So very sad.
ITRR - glad you are holding firm and backing out of the games. It's always a lose-lose - like your kindergarten picture for her. The game is to make you feel and look bad and for her to feel wronged. That's a win only for a sick mind. Yeah we had to watch our backs. You never knew when it was coming only that it would come. I remember as a child thinking. "What did I do?" I was minding my business and doing what I was supposed to be doing. That did not stop the accusations and tirades. And that pattern continued. Self protection is the only healthy response. You've got it. I know it is still distressing. more (((((hugs)))) and validations. Going no contact is not a bad idea. My sis pays the same game - different methods but the game is the same. Going no contact with her has been a very good step for me. For mother it was low contact - a few times a year as I was POA and with a support person accompanying me . That made it somewhat manageable.
I am grateful that I was able to extricate myself while I was young. It has helped me have a good life, find an amazing man and be able to keep my boundaries. I learned that she experienced me differently then others did.
As you know, we always have hope that things can improve, that's what I was praying for with this very serious situation, that she would have an Epiphany, now I know I won't be around if she does. I still pray that she is well taken care of, finds The Lord and has good quality of life. But I know she has 77 years of choosing the hard way.
Great big warm hug! For everyone dealing with a mthr.
"The latest nonsense: my mother has told her friends that she cut me off because I made it sound like it was difficult to get everything arranged in my life to be able to go there. So she was helping me out by telling the hospital not to give me information or call me back. Yet, wouldn't even answer the phone to tell me, let me waste hours trying to advocate and reach her. She didn't bother telling them that."------
To be frank it says it all. I call her healed and so that's great. She sure is off MY mind. She's well enough to play games with others then she's got WAY too much energy for me! And to my mind her friends need to stop passing on stuff that is hurtful.
Seriously, I wish your mom well, but it is time to get on with your own life. You will never hear what you needed to hear from your Mom, and it's too late to matter anyway. I don't care if you twist yourself into a whole BAG of pretzels, you will never hear it. It's HER limitation. She isn't capable of it.
YOU were always my first concern in all this.
Please take care of yourself now. Enough is enough.
My brother’s mind was definitely warped. He was like a child who thought if he repeated the same thing over and over that I would give in. All that did was make me furious or I would ignore him completely.
Yeah, ITRR
You’re right. These tactics have worked well for some people. I think they realize that the people that they have targeted don’t want to be rejected by them.
Truthfully, there are some people that we should be glad that they reject us, right?
I got to the point where I didn’t care what my brother thought of me.
Here’s the thing, my other two siblings turned against my oldest brother too. We had to do this to protect ourselves.
I never knew if my brother had drugs stashed somewhere on himself. I was afraid to allow him to get in my car for a ride anywhere. I stopped giving him rides.
I wasn’t going to place myself at risk for him. I had a husband, children to raise and a mom that I was caring for.
Meanwhile, my mom had this, “go after the lost sheep” attitude. I’m all for helping people but there is a limit! I understood that she prayed for him but she felt that everyone should be like Jesus and go after the lost sheep. I told her that she was taking that scripture out of context.
I had to tell mom that she was crazy if she thought that I was going to risk going to jail for possibly being caught for possessing drugs for being with my brother.
Mom actually thought that if she told my brother not to have drugs around me that he would listen. I told her that was a nice dream but that isn’t how addiction works.
I still remember when I was living at home with my parents that we had to place anything of value under our pillow at night or he would steal it to sell for drugs. Did she forget this stuff or was in denial?
Maybe mom did forget some things after developing dementia along her Parkinson’s disease. Still, it was hard hearing her defend my brother.
It didn’t stop until my brother died. I did take her to see him in the hospice facility before he died. I know how hard that was for her. It was hard for all of us. He had liver issues and diabetes.
I hated his disease (addiction) but I did love him as a brother. Mom eventually came around and realized that my siblings and I couldn’t take dangerous risks in order to help him. We do have to protect ourselves from others.
Yes, it says it all. She crossed a line with me on this, that I don't believe I can ever go back from.
I don't want to. I'm tired of her awful games and having to be hypervigilant dealing with her or her friends, it's exhausting.
I did tell her friend that not everything needs to be repeated and if she had minded her own business I wouldn't even be involved. I wasn't suppose to be called. So, I am sorry that you feel like you have to prop her up but, that is between you and her.
I know they want me on board because they know the way she is and it would be so much easier to have me dealing with her. Oh well, not in this lifetime.
I had to process the toxins, that's what the posts are, removing them from my system.
Thank you for all your care, everyone!
I am done until she calls me.
Thank you for your support and prayers. I truly appreciate all of you that care.
I’m glad that your mom is being released from the hospital. Rehab should help if she puts forth the effort. I hope that she will update you on her progress. You deserve to know.
I don’t blame you for not getting stressed out about it though. You are wise enough to know that you can’t control her behavior.
You’re an inspiration! 🥳
My mom has not been doing well in rehab. She has told her friends that she isn't receiving good care, being neglected and losing all of her friends because she is ripping them new ones. They all have decided that she is getting what she wanted by cutting me out. These were the things I said I could help advocate for. None of them has the time or inclination to do this for her. I was told she is getting what she asked for, so very sad.
I haven't heard from my mom, even though her friend that is keeping me informed, told her I was receptive to her calling. She can't remember my phone #, doesn't have paper and pen but, I can call her.
This feels like a setup to attack me and write whatever narrative that makes her look like the victim and me the bad guy. I am okay with being the bad guy, it's the horrible words she slings that I don't want to deal with. But, I will put on the armor and give her a chance to prove me wrong.
Here's the real kicker, supposedly, she is going on hospice soon and being transferred to ???. I hate that I can't trust what I am being told and it all feels like manipulation.
No plans to go up there until I am able to get information from a doctor and not what my mom wants me to believe, or her friends, because they are definitely trying to lay a thick FOG.
Please continue to pray for her. I am concerned about her soul, she won't die until it's her time, so I don't worry about that. I just want her to accept Jesus as Lord and Saviour before she dies. It is ALL that matters.
I will update when I get some information from her doctor.
Thank you all for your continued support, it is appreciated beyond measure.
Praying for her. And for you! It sure is a weight, even if one has stepped away.
This is sad. When do you expect a call from her doctor?
I remember when my mom did rehab there was a scheduled meeting to discuss progress about PT and OT and so on.
I wonder how much she’s participating. She should improve if she’s putting in the effort.
Has she done rehab in the past? It’s a lot of work! I was amazed at how hard they worked. It’s a full day starting right after breakfast. They keep them busy until 2 or 3 in the afternoon.
My mom was worn out afterwards but they get to relax at the end of the day, have dinner and watch television in their room or the lounge area.
My mom said that the food was good. If they don’t like something they can ask for a sandwich and snack.
Keep us posted.
Yes, it's most likely manipulation. You are brave to call.
I have wondered how mom is doing.
As to her soul, I think that we cannot change the path of others. You know I am an atheist. This is not by "choice"; this is simply a fact of my life in that I am not a believer, and I cannot make myself believe something just because a loving friend believes I will be thrown into some hell and she will then have to suffer thinking about me in eternal flames. We believe what we believe, or we don't. You, above all people, smart as you are, know we cannot change other people as regards religion or anything else. Put your trust in your loving God to make the decisions as regards your Mom. Just my opinion for what it is worth. If I am wrong in what I believe the fact remains I trust ANY loving god to look at my score card and make his (or her) decision about me.
As to her friends. They are there. They can offer to make the call and hand you the phone. They have OFFERED to do so. And she has likely exhausted them.
As to whether you should go, Mom is simply playing her usual power games, and she may choose to do that until the end, until it is too late, or until this afternoon. Who knows.
As to going there: If you feel you should go there, then do it, but do it for yourself, to bring YOU peace; we already know you can't bring mom much other than a good fight which she seems to enjoy. You are the one who will live on; your peace is important.
My main hope for you is that when Mom goes (and of course given a certain age we all WILL go, and stubborn as she is, she surely will go) that you don't choose to kick yourself about for something you coulda/shoulda. That is all I hope for you.
It may be near the end if docs are planning a move to placement and hospice. You may choose to make the trip FOR YOURSELF. Only you can decide that one.
Given your friends have mentioned hospice and placement now, for me that would be a trigger. Given that this may be true or may be a lie and you cannot know, this is what I personally would do were she my Mom:
I would make the trip now; the words placement and hospice would trigger that necessity in my own mind if I wished to see my Mom again. It would be my last trip to her and I would make it for my own peace of mind as I would doubt it would do a thing for her.
I would not speak with a doctor. I would not speak with friends other than a cordial greeting, and to thank them for their info and updates. I would do directly to Mom's room with a massive bouquet. I would sit with her and hold her hand and look her right in the eyes. I would tell her I will always treasure the good memories I have of her. I would tell her I hope/believe there is a loving god to receive her into his arms when she journeyed on. I would wish her respite and peace, and tell her we both did our best with what we had this time round.
I still remember my Mom, such a GOOD Mom, struggling on the phone in her last hours to tell me she had perhaps not been "so good as she SHOULD have been but had been as good as she COULD have been" and finally gave up the tricky adage and said "Oh!!! You KNOW what I mean...." and we had a last chuckle.
You are the one who will be left here. It is your peace I am concerned with, and you are one real smart woman; I trust you now to know what will bring you the most peace. You must follow your own beliefs, and live with your own choices knowing you made them with the most purity of heart you could muster at the time.
Your Mom has made her choices. They are hers to make. You can lovingly offer your God to her; but you cannot change her to make her believe in him. Just my humble opinion. Bring yourself now what peace you can; I think that you sense this may be the beginning of the end times for your Mom and I think that may be truth.
"Please continue to pray for her. I am concerned about her soul, she won't die until it's her time, so I don't worry about that. I just want her to accept Jesus as Lord and Saviour before she dies. It is ALL that matters."
I get it. I understand. I agree.
Many prayers ITTR.