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my deepest condolences, dear isthisrealyreal.
hugggggggg.
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I am so sorry for your loss, ITRR.
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ITRR, may you receive the peace that transcends understanding into your heart. (((hug)))
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ITRR, my condolences on your mother's passing. May she rest in peace.
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Peace at last. The Lord’s timing is perfect. Not always easily understood but perfect. My condolences.
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God Bless you Real. May your heart and mind be filled with peace and God's love.
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ITRR - it does feel like a life time. I can so relate. Please be at peace. Your mother is now home where she belongs.
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ITRR: I am so sorry. Deepest condolences.💛
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My deepest condolences to you, ITRR, on the loss of your mother.
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So very sorry for your loss 🙏🏼🙏🏼🙏🏼
Hugs 🤗
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RealyReal, my deep sympathy to you. Your Mom is now free of this life her & of any pain.
The last 6 weeks may not feel real yet, let both the good & not so good details wash over you as they need to. In time, may the good, fond & funny memories arrive & be the ones to look back on.
(((Hugs)))
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I am glad you are finally free from your mothers reign of terror in your life. I am sorry her defective brain prevented her from being the loving mother you deserved and now her spirit is free from that body with all its limitations both mentally and physically.
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I'm so sorry for the loss of your mom. Hoping for peace in your heart and your life in the days ahead.
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"God blesses those who mourn, for they will be comforted."

- Matthew 5:4

ITRR, may you feel blessed and comforted today.
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sp, you just don't get it. My mom didn't reign terror in my life. That's what good, healthy, strong boundaries stop.

Were there trials and tears, of course, every relationship has them but, once I was an adult, my parents weren't in a position to reign anything in my life. Everything I did, I did willingly, knowing who they were.
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Thank you all for ALL the prayers. God is good.

Yesterday I decided to just be a puddle and cry all the tears I had. It was cathartic and I am doing okay today. I had a good nights sleep and feel less exhausted then I have for a month, Praise The Lord!

One thing I pray everyone learns, before they need it, it's okay to honor a parents wishes, even when they are hurtful and not the best plan. It is their end and they should get what they want, even though we don't agree with them. This, obviously, doesn't apply to being their sole caregiver or crossing your boundaries. We ALL get to decide for our own lives what we will or will not do. Them and us!

I have seen so much BS in the last 6 months with family trying to keep dear friends away, just because they do not have the capacity to deal with authority, I have seen greed grow to a sickness and sole focus and I have seen the very low bar set for competency by our medical industry and I have seen lies beyond my ability to comprehend and many other heart breaking situations. It doesn't need to be this way.

Have that talk with your parents and families, put your wishes in writing and give someone the legal ability to advocate for you when you can not advocate for yourself.

My mom told me what she wanted and I am grateful that I didn't have to be anything but her daughter, for what that was worth.

No amount of money is worth your own well-being, period. Help if you choose to but, not because you are looking for an inheritance or acknowledgment or anything, you will sell your soul if you do.

Figure out what your boundaries are, enforce them and keep yourself from getting trapped. It is okay to do those things. Face it, it's not the 1st time your parent(s) were mad at you and it won't be the last. However, you will be strong enough to face the anger if you don't let them suck your life force!

Love all of you and your hearts. May today be a new sunrise for all of us. ((((((((((HUGS))))))))) to everyone!
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Why was my post to sp19690 changed? Seriously admin and whomever reported?

Telling someone they better learn about boundaries or they are going to be scr*wed when they have to deal with what they say are difficult parents is unacceptable on a caregiving support/advice forum?
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RR, I am so glad you were able to have that long cry. I think that our tears just wash us out, leaving us clean and free of so much built up pain. Often in the past it has been difficult for me to cry, then I will see something, often to do with a suffering or dying animal, and the tears that have built up on a whole lot of other situations are freed, and I understand I am not just suffering for a dead bird in the street, but for all the pain inside.
I agree with so much of your advice to us. We learn as we go.
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I thought your post was fine as it was. My boundaries are that my parents live 1500 miles away from me. I come here to learn tools to keep other boundaries as they get older. Because as much as I hate saying it my parents have Jekyell and Hyde personalities. And even though you had great boundaries with your mother as long as she was alive you were never 100% free from her trying to cause drama and affect you negatively.
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Real, big (((((hugs))))). I'm sorry to hear about your mom's passing. You did good to honor your mom's wishes. Thanks for sharing your thoughts. Events like this deepen clarity on what's important in life, I think. Peace and comfort to you.
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Sp, she could try all she wanted, it didn't effect me negatively or create drama for me.

Just so you know, distance isn't a sure fire solution to not getting dumped on by jekyell and Hyde.
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ITRR,

I have always admired your independent spirit. You cared for your parents and accepted them as they are. That’s an important lesson for everyone to learn. You knew how to protect yourself and live a fulfilling life of your own.

So many of us wasted our time trying to change our situation when it was not going to happen.

None of us have the power to change anyone else’s behavior. Change doesn’t happen when a person is set in their ways and unwilling to change.

We can voice our opinions until we are blue in the face and our parents still want things done their way.

You knew how to deal with your parents and you moved forward in your life. You never allowed yourself to become crippled by their situations.

We do cry afterwards. Sometimes, our tears are about ‘what could have been or it didn’t have to be this way.’

Family dynamics are complicated. People don’t usually treat others the way they treat their family. You would think that people would treat their family better than they do. I suppose the silver lining is that we learn how to break cycles and not treat our own spouses and children the same way that we were treated.
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I asked someone once why people so fear death and the answer he gave me was this (paraphrased).

"The FINAL leap of faith that is life happens when we die. We may likely have believed firmly in an afterlife all our lives...but, being human, there is this veil between us and the next life. That's our bodies. When we die (and we ALL will) we simply move from one room to another. Yet we see people balk at the inevitable and become angry at, what? God? The selfsame God who gave us life and all the joy that comes with it? It's the final act of courage and of allowing ourselves to 'let go'.

I'm sorry for your mom's anger--being angry at God is so pointless, but it helps some people to deal with what's happening.
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ITRR, just saw your post now. My condolences on the shockingly quick passing of your mom. Difficult or easygoing, its always a gut wrenching thing to see your mom deceased, and to process all the emotions colliding w each other. I'm glad you cried.

"Tears are God's gift to us, our holy water. They heal us as they flow."
-Rita Schiano

Sending you a hug and a prayer for peace.
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Midkid, I love, love, love your recent message. I, as a nurse, was PRIVILEDGED to be at the bedside of many of my patients when they passed. As a result I have ZERO fear of death. I truly believe it is our last great adventure. I admit to fearing pain and suffering; particularly as a young nurse, when there was no hospice, when there was no administration of good pain medications due to fears of medical personnel that they might hasten death, I saw much suffering. At the end of my career I did not. And I will say, as an atheist that in those last moments there is something.....something I cannot understand until I make that journey and it is something I have utterly NO FEAR of. That's my personal witness. I believe that you are spot on when you posit that when we die, life is HAPPENING> I believe that with all that is in me. My family calls me the "death angel" because I am quite into the experience, little I know about it. I always tell them that moniker could get me in trouble.
The Buddhists I cared for would not allow patients/family members to be touched for some hours after death, usually about 12. There is something in this I agreed with.
It is a subject with so many taboos in our society and I think that is a great shame, in fact. A great shame. I so wish it were otherwise. This passage, for me, is the last great mystery. Do I want to do it today? No. My daughter is visiting from out of town, and I am amidst a great cat fishing podcast. But do I fear it? Never. Not for a single second.
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What is her first name?
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Herfirst, my mom passed away on the 16th.

Thank you.
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@IsThisRealyReal I am
Sending my deepest condolences to you
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Isthis,

I am so sorry for your loss. I know its been a month but I really don't follow discussions all that much.
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ITRR,

Where have you been? We miss you!
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