Attack of the killer grandmas!
🎃Halloween🎃 is still over a month away but what’s with all the vampire grandmothers on this forum suddenly stealing the very lives of their young adult grandchildren while parents stand by allowing this “life theft” to happen? Career, advanced schooling and training, marriage, childbearing, life, love, dreams — all are sacrificed to these killer grandmas.
I’m being overly dramatic on purpose here (and “killer grandmas” sounds funny, can’t resist 😉) but we have had quite an uptick of these type of posts recently, and I am at a loss as to what is going on. Could be cultural factors are at play in many of these situations, and that back in the old country it’s OK to sacrifice one— usually female— family member for the good of all. But I’m wondering also if increasing ill health on the part of Americans in general, declining overall mental health, drug use (Oxy? Fentanyl?) are playing a role. Economic woes? A cultural shift due to the sheer increase in numbers of demented or disabled adults who need caregiving and the difficulties of finding care outside the home?
Why is it apparently acceptable to many to let your child disappear into the maw of endless, overwhelming, no-way-out caregiving?
A lesson I learned from a girlfriend:
She and her siblings were disgusted with the acres of junk they had to clear out after their last parent passed. They all got together over a long weekend and started shoveling all the usual stuff into cars and zipping back and forth to thrift stores and the dump.
About 2 days into it, somebody dropped a Reader’s Digest Condensed Book on the ground and several hundred dollars fell out! After that they started fanning book pages, digging through moth eaten sweater pockets and moldy purses, opening everything with a lid, and found several thousand more. (I forgot to ask if they looked behind switch plates or inside curtain rods before selling the house.)
Who knows how much cash they sent to the landfill or donated to St. Vincent de Paul before they figured it out!
Stuff and things, gets so important to older people.
Years ago there was probably things at moms I would of wanted . And she new it, so they are in the attic in boxes. Like seriously those things are not any importance to me now.
Who knows when the time comes what I will feel or do, but I'm planning on walking away.
Now, at 82 am trying to get this household down to nothing for my DD to do. I have torn down the photo albums and put them in a small plastic file. Another small box of my brother and mom's photos are down to nothing and marked with "look at once and toss". The collections of books EVERYONE SHOULD READ are now in those little Little Library Kiosks around the city. She has her OWN books everyone should read. I have given her momentos and said "keep if you like, sell if you don't". It is mostly done.
Because you are ABSOLUTELY CORRECT. We all have our own stuff and in the current generation often a lot of stuff. Who wants all the "stuff" from our parent's house. My daughter has no interest in "cut glass" collection of my mom's. She doesn't care about the difference between cut and pressed and how to test the ring. She collects Native American Kachinas. Not interested in Floraline green McCoy. I almost did get rid of the Tourist-Roadside pottery and she almost DID have a fit about that. I said "It's CEMENT; how can you ever move it without a truck." She still wants it.
I have given her my jewelry that is "good". I never did wear the stuff. And it feels good, actually to shed this stuff. At 82 I do finally understand I am NOT taking it with me! Certain there were cultures that tried. The important people who died had their horses and sometimes their WIVES killed to go with them. Then there was the Chinese big wig who took all those pottery warriors.
I don't know about you guys but I do know in my 60s I don't need nor want another house of stuff and things to add to my own house.
I think it might be sweeden, that opens there home up to family's, and let's them take what they want .
I wish we would adopt that tradition
Midkid, I was thinking possibly druggie parents might be a factor, not the grandmas. As in a later-down-the-life-cycle version of grandparents raising grandchildren, in which now grandchildren are having elder care dumped on them because of a problem with parents.
Seems like there could be multiple causes at play. It’s not clear. The only thing that IS clear to me is that people sure loved “the Waltons” (which I barely remember, I was more into “Little House on the Prairie”) and that I should try to find an old episode or two on YouTube!
Where I am there is a lot of discussion of how Boomers are doing very well because the value of real estate has increased far more quickly than wages. Commercial age care is coasting along taking out the cash from that age group, as they sell property. The next generation will probably be less cashed up as they age. That may mean fewer people in high-end Als and more people reliant on government funding. All a bit scary!
So, just a big bump in that age group. It'll pass as we pass.
IDK what the thing is with parents requiring/demanding that their kids give up their lives for them .
We just got done taking care of my MIL (well, not me, but the 'kids' who are 75, 72 and 67!) and by the end of the year of misery--they were all burned to a crisp.
MIL never saw any problem with her kids putting their personal lives on hold for her. She'd extracted that awful promise from her kids that they NEVER put her in a NH.
I don't see drug abuse as being an issue in this dynamic at all. How the heck are 80 yo's getting Fentanyl? Off the streets?
Medical care is MUCH better nowadays. People live longer.
ElderVampires have always been around. I think it's just more acceptable to talk about it. Hence this site, and many others like it.
Killer Grandmas …’Dalek Mode’…Apple Crumble Enslavement…Bwah hahahaha!
Thank you! This will stick with me ( like apple crumble :))
Funny how opinions differ on when someone "actually needs" something. She does indeed need to start using that LTC for home care and respite care to give mom a break (WE'VE tried but she just wants MOM, who is stressed to the max).
Unfortunately, my mom was also parentified where my GM is concerned at a very young age - and does not feel she can cross or push her mother in anyway so we just continue in this cycle until mom either has enough or GM eventually passes away.
My GM has had a PHENOMENAL life. Until my GF passed away 16 years ago - they traveled the world, enjoying their retirement for YEARS. They were one of those couples who didn't need other people and mom was expected to assimilate herself into THEIR life rather than them adjust their lives in anyway to accommodate having a child. To be honest - when my GF passed, we didn't think my GM would last 6 months. And technically while she's still alive, she didn't really - she never restarted her life in any discernable way after he died.
Once he passed away - we learned a lot about their relationship. Like the fact that he was the stable one, the one that kept her level and balanced and organized and HE was her happiness. He took care of everything. We didn't realize just how much she didn't know how to do.
And now that she's gotten older, she is fully dependent on mom for everything. And she gets angry if mom does anything without her. If mom leaves the house she has regressed to trying to parent my 77 year old mom. (she threatened to ground her the other day - we had a good laugh over that one).
Medical science has come a long way in keeping us alive physically - but not so much mentally - and I think sometimes it's a case of just because we can - it doesn't mean we should. I love my grandmother dearly - but she isn't living - she is existing. And it is an angry, miserable existence that she wants to share with my mom - who is the most positive, energetic, live-loving person I know.
Shed quite a few tears too. I loved how they made mistakes, they fought, but they always apologized, admitted to there mistakes, and moved on.
Glad to have another Waltons fan here. 😆. I started watching little house on the prairie, when I had covid last fall. It wasn't near as good as I remember. Charles was just to perfect, and it bugged me.
Yeah I remember grandmas stroke, I liked how they played it into the show and brought her back.
I remembered that Grandma Walton had a stroke. When she returned she had mobilty & speech problems. S6 last ep. This was a real-life near-fatal stroke. She would have been only 65 or so & died at 87. So a long time to live with it.
Grandpa Walton however died off screen in real-life quite suddently. S7 01 opens with his gravesite on the mountain.
Neither over burdened their family with care needs or went 'Dalek' mode attempting to contol others.
Bless them.
The Waltons Hah! Yes, except for the happy endings part!
It is sad when they linger so long either with no quality of life , in pain , or they are just miserable in general . It’s horrible to watch . My mother and FIL were just miserable after they lost their spouses . Both said they had wished they were the first to go . I don’t know what the answer is , but the answer is not to try to have the children fill that void . It can’t be done .
Life on Waltons mountain was so much simpler back then
I come from a long line of farmers so I think I understand at least one origin of this monstrous species.
Not all that long ago it was common to never venture far from the acreage your parents farmed and their parents before them, and so on and so on……
Parents would grow old, their children would marry, put up their own houses on the back 40 or move into the old homestead to run the farm and take care of mom and dad, and probably grandma and grandpa too. That was just the way it was done.
Then came WWII.
After that, many young people, my parents included, left their rural heritage and moved into the cities. A few stayed behind to carry on farming and caregiving but the days of multigenerational living and legacy farming are mostly over in the US.
The end of a tradition in 2 generations! It’s a little bit sad to me, but only because I don’t have to live with a
KILLER GRANDMA!
🎶 Duh-duh-duuuuh 🎶 (cue: blood curdling scream)
For some odd reason when you asked about protection ….
A picture popped in my head of the Disney movie version of Rapunzel with her frying pan . She was locked in a tower .
Cinderella had her broom .
Don’t even get me started on Snow White , the weirdest of all those old Disney movies about a woman .
The Little Mermaid at least stood up to her father . She’s my favorite .
@All
Fawnby is right , these elderly didn’t expect to live so long , but you would think that surprise , would make them a bit more cooperative , but it doesn’t . Many seem entitled , have expectations and are oblivious of the extended years of burden , with ridiculous unnecessary demands . Then by the time they really are at the end of life , we are so burnt out that the grieving process is mutated into relief .
I also expected that my mother would take the lead in taking care of my father. Instead she declared around age 72 that she'd taken care of everyone else all of her life (NOT!) and she was through. Others would have to take care of her now. She had a few health problems, but not enough to quit obligations altogether. She didn't like my father by that time, so I understand part of it. Unfortunately she was so self-centered that she didn't realize or care what a burden that put on dad and me.
They didn't plan enough, but they could have. They left their business in a shambles that I had to solve. They had a lifetime of junky belongings hoarded in various homes and warehouses; more work for me. My work and finances suffered. My family needed attention. All that, yet these were two people who didn't do much to help with my education or other things that I needed to thrive. As a kid, I was treated as if I were nothing special; no daddy's little princess here! I was expected to provide for myself entirely when I was 18. I paid room and board in the summers that I worked starting age 16. I sewed a lot of my own clothes to save money.
What they expected of me in caregiving was way out of line, IMO. However, I don't believe they thought they'd live so long, either. So maybe we were all taken by surprise. I'm still resentful and always will be.
I was groomed to be my mother’s caregiver . How is it now skipping a generation ? Are these Mom’s grooming their daughters to be their caregiver , and taking care of grandma is the warmup ???
Why doesn’t the Mom and grandma see this is wrong ? They didn't get their young lives stolen .
Sorry if I’m sour . Not looking forward to visit with killer MIL . Another stubborn , her way is the only way elderly .
I am wondering what protection I need against Killer Grandmas!
I saw a hilarious UK kid's commedy years ago where the Grandma used freshly baked Apple Crumble to lure the (grown up) grandchild & friends into her home, then enslave them. They worked as dazed zombies while repeating "crumble.. crumble.."
Oh I found it! The Legend of Dick and Dom Ep 1 x 07 Nan Trap.
They became apple crumble dependant zombies, forced to play card games, go on shopping trips, do all the housework & do sing-a-longs 😂
I am really impressed with your melding in here of the cultural changes, because you points are WELL expressed and they are TRUE. Things I never honestly considered in this whole thing. GOOD POINTS!
1) Parents have often ‘counted on’ an inheritance from their own parents. When they realise the cost of care, an adult child living with grandma seems like a good idea all round. ‘In everyone’s best interests’, not stealing life from a generation.
2) ‘Independent adult-hood’ has often got much later. A few decades back where I am, ‘children’ often left home at about age 14 (then the school leaving age) to work and live somewhere else. Now age 24 would be more ‘normal’ – partly because more young people are students for longer. Time at home stretches out, the rules at home don’t change all that much, and when you are an adult gets confused.
3) Many young people in their 20s are wholly or partly subsidised by parents. Even young people who look like ‘real’ adults often rely on ‘the bank of Mom and Dad’ to get them started, and those who live 'at home' rarely pay an adult's share of the bills (certainly not of the mortgage, which is now paid off). The parent generation and their friends can still think of them as ‘the children’.
I think the Killer Grannies are actually in league with the Possessive Parents. Well behaved offspring are the willing victims.
I said didn't expect that out of my girls. At 85 they will be 50 and 58. Not asking them to quit jobs to care for me. My grands will be 42 (daughter 16 when she had him) and 23. Don't expect them to care for me. I would hope that because I took off work for 3 years to watch oldest grandson so daughter could finish school and after retirement watched her second for 2 years that she will be there for me at least. We know there will be no living together. Thats all I sort of expect that I can count on them to be there when needed. I don't expect them to physically care for me. I think my friend will be in for a big surprise. DIL will never have her living with them. Other son is a widower and needs his job to live. But I think he will be the one who will be there for her.
I don't think grandchildren should be expected to care for grands. They need to get their lives started and its very hard the older you get.
In all truth, this is the way of things in a time when we CAN (god forbid) live to 100. The children of that generation were often born early in a marriage or a life. For instance, I at 82 have a daughter who is 62, and just at the moment hobbling around with a hip and back much worse than my own. SO, were of one of those in need of care who had not put away anything FOR my care, and who expected this of my children and grandchildren-----?
Well I guess I could be a member of the Killer Grannies club.
Truly, this isn't funny. I have a huge problem with two things regarding aging and caregiving. One is squabbling children pulling pieces off their still living parents while they war with their siblings. The other is the expectation of elders that their young should take care of THEM. In many cases they have been groomed to do this much in the way farmers had kids to do the chores. THAT is not so far back in time I don't remember that Uncle who had 7 kids, 6 of them (happily to him) were boys; each had his own chores on the farm. I got my pick of who to help when we wintered in Illinois on their farm.
It's appalling really. If these grown children do not take charge of their own lives they are going to waste some of the very best of their lives. I have a 25 year old grandson, so I know this.
I always say the best place for kids and grandkids is AT LEAST 1,000 miles away from the burning funeral pyres. Because these days they are on one SLOW BURN.
It is possible we are just far more aware of the killer zombie vampire Grandparent phenomenon, since we have so many ways to learn about it now. Like, "there's so much more cancer nowadays". No, there's so much more research, reporting and access to information regarding it nowadays. Etc.
Also, many elders (Boomers) have saved responsibly only to be met at their sunset years with wildly expensive costs of everything, the level of which was not anticipated. As long as Medicaid only covers custodial care for the worst of cases (LTC) then there will continue to be families in financial distress due to caregiving needs. I don't have any suggested remedy except to say that people need to save way way more than they think they'll need in the future. And this while science is concentrating on ways to extend lives, and ignoring the issue of quality.