Follow
Share
Read More
This discussion has been closed for comment. Start a New Discussion.
Find Care & Housing
You are right Austin. I can see the wheels turning. I really believe she will be back in the hospital before the move. She keeps coming out of her room really putting on a show with the coughing and bent over.
(1)
Report

When my father says mean things to me I just look at him expressionless for a few seconds, then walk away! It's like being a human mirror. All they're left with is their own nasty words. You're right Lisa; they're trying to goad you into a fight. Be her "Mirror mirror on the wall, who's the meanest of them all?" Her own face will be looking back at her thinking "You are my queen"!!!! Don't bite!
(2)
Report

Well, if you're predicting that your mom will end up back in the hospital before the move, then I'd put money on it. Beth is a hoot. I'm so glad your mom doesn't lash out at her.
(5)
Report

What did she do to turn you against her? Too bad you weren't prepared with a list written on a roll of shelf liner that you could rolled out and onto the floor as you read it!

I have to admit to feeling sorry for your mother. I doubt that one day in her youth she picked a four-leaf-clover and wished to be the way she is. But making you miserable isn't helping her a bit, so getting her out of there is more than justified.
(3)
Report

People that are that cruel are living in their own inner hell. It is very very sad, and if you can envision them as the innocents they once were it helps to have compassion. That being said, no one and I mean no one deserves to be tortured. Writing letters, and trying to prove yourself in any way will only use up precious time that you could be spending taking care of yourself. I've been grappling with the concept of forgiveness since I moved in with dad, and have been under constant attack by my sisters. Of course all the traditional rhetoric came up which is valuable, but I was looking for a different take on it hoping it would help me forgive them. I stumbled upon the following which has given me a new found peace. The original ancient Aramiac definition of "forgive" literally meant to "untie"!!!! It was perfect for me. I envisioned myself on a hill under a blue sky holding three balloons, two red and one multicolored. I waited for a gentle breeze and released all three with love. LOVE is the only truth in this world.
(2)
Report

Lisa - that daughter of yours is a treat! I have heard those lies too. You are doing so well. Count down the days. Freedom from tyranny is coming!!! :)
(1)
Report

Lisa, luv Judy's comment about the Superman cape for Doug, and U need Ur own Superwoman cape to go with his! in fact, the kids need one too. In addition, along with the Big "S" should be added: "Ain't THAT a Whoppin'!" Think about that when you need a laugh! UR family is amazing... I've mentioned several times how much Doug sounds like my wonderful husband. Funny to learn they R both master electricians. As for all the weight comments, count me in. Maybe we should start a thread to support each other with those efforts. It's hard to keep everything clipping along with a semblance of balance. So many variables to keep juggling all the time. Laughing at myself now-made the morning joe and hear it gurgling away in the kitchen- guess I turned it on tonight, just when I thought I was done with all the chores! Frankly, Lisa it is really amazing that U R keeping so much handled so well. Hats off to you...superwoman ;) and cat, hats off to U too, have fun with your gr daughter, sounds like a fun and special time for both of U. Hope all of you following here have a good day and skip one "shouldn't eat" item or manage to keep a happy spirit in spite of a difficult moment. I'm thankful for this site to connect us to ea other. My mom has recently been refusing to go anywhere, and my steady help unavailable-without all of U, i'd go nuts! Kimbee
(3)
Report

Shelf liner list is funny-good one Jeanne!
(2)
Report

What a great nights sleep. early to bed, early to rise is so true. Up at 3 this a.m. And Jeanne, sometimes I look at my mom and feel sorry for her too. How miserable that she just can't find simple joys in life. She has never accepted responsibility for her actions her whole life. She just dropped a bombshell on me. Apparently they will find something on her criminal background check. 2000.00 worth of cold checks she and my sister wrote. She borrowed money from the cousin to pay them. But not before prosecution. What next. My nephew has gotten copies of those checks and I'm calling t today to get a statement that I called them in 6 years ago when mom was broke again. What next.
(0)
Report

Just keep on believing, Remember that you still have the 30 day eviction notice, and the county is required to find her a place to live. Sometimes we just have to step back and let the consequences roll. Referring to your blank look when your mother was talking to you, I have one just like it.It has always been a part of my life when I am around family. I wonder how many of us have one. I will ask my therapist what it means for us, in her opinion, next week. Just remember: The candle is still being lit and the prayers are still being prayed. Rebecca
(4)
Report

Lisa: Hopefully, the check incident won't be a huge deal. It was 6 years ago and not a violent offense. The fact that the checks were covered is important. Good for you, being proactive and on top of this.

Well, I'm slurping some coffee and will be heading to the airport in a couple of hours. I'll be thinking of you all and hoping the best. Talk to you Tuesday. Love and Hugs, Cattails.
(2)
Report

Have a wonderful time cat!!!!
(2)
Report

Well it's obvious the nephew kept his the copies of those checks a secret. Not sure if he was wanting to hide his mothers involvement, or just not wanting to stress me out. Still going to contact cas to get copy of the report.
(1)
Report

I told my father to get out, (he was bullying, yelling and carrying on towards my daughter and me) I was thinking he would go sit on the bench in the yard. He took off in his car and drove himself to the local hospital and when I received a call by officials to pick him up I refused. He then drove himself to another hospital (this is the last time he ever drove again) the next morning or that night, I’m not for sure, and they kept him for almost a month. I was then asked by social services and received legal guardian over him and he is now placed in an assistant living center. He is still a lot of work and will never be allowed back in my home no matter how many times he asks.

Elisa social services will probably ask you to be her POA or legal guardian. You will not be financially responsible for her bills; no one can come after you for her bills. If you do become her legal guardian or POA just take her money and pay her current bills. I make all my dads decision for him medically and financially. You may be asked to do this as well. I would imagine because her judgment is not good with her pills, etc. she would need a guardian. This actually has turned out to be a good thing as I can keep him out of trouble (at least guide him) and a roof over his head. I pay his current bills and make his doctor apts. I take him to his apts. if I want too and if not I can ask the facility (I have not asked them to do that as of yet) where he lives to take him. But he has his own home and now I am not slaving over him to try and keep piece. There never was any piecefor my family we always walked on egg shells. Even though he has his own home he is still a lot of work but it is do able as of now. This option sounds like it might work for you. If you do get legal guardianship you will be tied to her and you will get the calls when she sick, misbehaving etc. It will not be over, it will be better though, much better.
(2)
Report

Lisa, mom or not, she is drug addicted. Let her have the consequences of her behaviors; that will help her more than any other one thing you could do. Perhaps she might consider substance abuse treatment with discharge to a halfway or sober house if current plas fall thru. Either way, place to live is her problem. Your wellbeing and safety of family has to remain ur focus, no matter what. Get her out asap, even if u have to proceed w evic. U have made great decisions along the way, i know can get yo a good end w this-don't give up! U still have people all overcthe country rooting for u!! Glad u slept well. K
(3)
Report

I recently announced to my sisters that I would no do any chores including: cooking, cleaning, taking out trash, grocery shopping (with my own money no less!), taking dad to dialysis every single time . . . all of it!!! My dad insisted he drive to dialysis even on the days he had chest pain, was woozy sick etc!!! He would explode every time I pleaded with him to let me. I told him I was afraid he would kill us, and worse other innocent people. He'd scream I was "hateful", and trying to take his car from him. For 3 years I rode "shotgun" (a good term) white knuckled, and terrified as he swerved and missed things. He told me if I didn't want to take him he'd drive alone!!! He can't walk after dialysis so I had no choice being that neither sister would take him. They both live less than 10 mins away, do not work, have tons of money (their spouses) and do not cook or clean their own homes. Their spouses do it all, and they both emotionally and verbally abuse them outrageously! His Dr.'s would not deem him incapable of driving because he didn't meet certain "criterior". I should have put my foot down years ago, and let them all do what they wanted. I took nothing but abuse for 5 years from my sisters, dealt with my dads cruel rants and no support whatsoever from a single family member on his side. My one aunt on my moms side was my only ally, and she is 70. I look like I'm 62 instead of 52, and I've literally seen myself aging rapidly. I feel absolutely sick from years of this poison doled out by my own "family". I wish I had known the key to my torment all those years ago. That key is that people can only hurt us if we let them!!!! My self-esteem was low from childhood medical trauma resulting in me wearing a one piece torturous split legged brace at the age of 3 1/2, and in a wheelchair till I was 7. My entire life has been lived in severe pain . . . every single day. I felt "defective", and thought I owed the world for being so. I was riddled with shame, guilt, fear, helplessness and anger. They all knew it too, and played me like a fiddle. Those two unhappy girls spewing their anger at me, and me trying to always please them. I ended up in a psychiatric facility last summer for bad depression, stress and exhaustion. They all called me "selfish" because "I made dad worry", and that I should have "hidden my depression"!!! Not one of them visited me even though my Dr. there called them to come in. Thank God and I mean THANK GOD I woke up to a new understanding. We must stay strong, and fight, fight, fight!!!
(5)
Report

Lisa, hope everything goes well today and hopefully your mom will be out of your house by mid week. You are so close. Enjoy your family this weekend and bast in their love for you. PS I like the matching cape idea.
(2)
Report

Endo do not drive with him when you feel it is unsafe since his doc said he can drive let him drive himself or call the police and report him to them and see what they say or disable his car-he will end up killing you and others-do not let him drive until you get it in writing from the doc that he can drive-you may be help responsible if he drives and hurts or kills someone.
(3)
Report

I don't take him anymore. I left EVERYTHING to my sisters now. It's time for them to take over. They hate it but they have no choice. For me it's no more anything except loving my father, and making sure I'm here at night. After 5 years of doing it all myself I have finally taken a bit of my life back. In all these years of living here and caring for him completely on my own with not as much as a "How are you", or "Thanks for caring for dad" I have finally said NO MORE!!! Of course they don't clean . . . are you kidding??? They do however bring food, and take him to and from dialysis. I have taken such a mental, and physical beating these last years that I feel dead myself. It pissed me off that he could be so delusional that he thought he was fine to drive . . . with me in the passenger seat no less!!! I feel pissed about every single thing associated with the devoted care I've given to my dad. No one including him has been kind in any way whatsoever. All I want is for this never ending nightmare to be over. I have adored . . . ADORED my dad my whole life, and gave up my entire personal life for his care. I feel unappreciated, used and abused. I wonder how my sisters would have handled dressing wounds in the crack of their dads behind!!!! That's one teeny little thing, the whole is unbelievable even to myself who did it all. DONE
(4)
Report

Have a good weekend, Lisa! This should be the last one with the "crazy lady down the hall" .... right? I'm still keeping my fingers crossed and my incense lit, and you're still on my mind - every time I get on the computer, I've got to check the Lisa Story. I like stories with happy endings and yours is definitely looking that way. I'm being harrassed by a bobcat war these past few nights. The dang thing is spraying/peeing on both my front door and the sliding glass door on the back patio. I had to have the dog put down 2 weeks ago (so sad) and it seems like since the dog has been gone, we've had bobcats take over, although one of my sons says its a chupacabra. I'll battle the chupacabra with the overactive bladder and look forward to your story updates! xx, Judy
(3)
Report

endof I am glad you are not driving with him to treatments -now maybe you can give the sibs other things to do for him-one that you would like to give up-it is only fair they help more-if he has the money hire someone to do things for him-you have given your all and not been appreciated.
(1)
Report

I hope all of my mommy friends have a terrific mothers day weekend! Years ago Doug started a tradition with the girls were small. They would of course buy me a gift, but they gave of themselves. They would clean the house spotless, catch up the laundry, ( beths passion now) and help me plant all the flowers I buy the week before. They still do this after all these years and I LOVE IT!!!! the whole weekend is all about me. I am so spoiled. I wake up this morning and Doug has all my flower beds weeded and ready.
(7)
Report

You hae a wonderful man and daughters, and you deserve them. Enjoy your day!!!
(4)
Report

End of: girl you better start letting go of all that anger because it will consume you till it eats you alive. Are you still working on getting your own place or do you live with him? I look back and see my whole personality changed when mom moved in here. And it's always been my biggest fear that I would act like her. No danger of that. I know that now. Don't let yourself take on his bitterness and anger. Think happy thoughts about when your free of the verbal abuse.
(4)
Report

Endo---you said that there was no choice but for you to go with him to his treatments...is there a reason why he could not go via taxi cab? If he is alert enough to drive, he should be able to call a cab to take him and pick him up when he is finished. Many communities have special transit systems for elderly and disabled folks...they help them on the bus and help them off and take them in to their appointments...for about 2 dollars. You have to call a couple of days ahead of time, and then he calls them when he's finishe dwith his appt. Might have to wait a little while for them to come, but he's in the dr office....

I've learned that when I *think* there are no other options but for me to sacrifice myself, what's really happening is that I am either refusing to look at the bigger picture or and simply don't realize that a bigger picture exists. I always think that my dad should be the one to change, but truly...the change starts with me. Changing my way of reacting to his *emergencies*; changing the way I allow myself to be manipulated; changing the way I solve problems related to him. And then creating barriers and saying what solutions I can offer him, but let him take it or leave it, rather than start a negotiation process. You are terribly tangled in his activities....start looking at how to untangle yourself and let him fend for himself if he really is able OR move the thing he *needs* you to do to other providers. Like Elisa, sounds like you've made a good start and as you can see from this thread, that first step can get you where you need to go. It might take time, though, so start TODAY. Best wishes.
(6)
Report

I only learned last summer the understanding of why I felt responsible for everything. I finally made a huge breakthrough about myself. Since then things have changed. Oh yes . . . I know all about cabs, as well as elderly transportation; absolutely no way with him. You see he believes he doesn't need it. He actually thinks he's completely capable of driving! That is why I finally stopped everything. I still live here, but by giving my sisters no choice except to be here I am free. I've had a great person from Elderly Affairs guiding me through this, along with my therapist. They all suggested this, and I finally understand that I now need to take care of myself or I'll get really sick. I think after 5 years of doing it all I deserve it. I also do not feel one iota of guilt. I only wish I had known what I know now 5 yrs ago. I would have been so much easier on myself instead of feeling like I had to be "Caregiver God" to my dad! Thank you for caring. This site has helped me so much in times when I've "stumbling in the dark"!
(2)
Report

P.S . . . My sisters do all his transportation now, and he doesn't dare drive alone!!!!
(0)
Report

It's happened!!! She came to the living room and literally threw the phone at me. I picked it up and he said mamm, this is 911. Another insurance scam. All her vitals were great. I made them take her. Me and Jennifer are on our way to hospital now to make sure they keep her. I'm telling them she cannot come back here, I can no longer care for her right????
(9)
Report

I'll tell you all the story when I get home. Keep praying for us!!!!
(5)
Report

Fingers are crossed! I hope they keep her. Good luck. Sending positive energy your way. xx
(4)
Report

This discussion has been closed for comment. Start a New Discussion.
Start a Discussion
Subscribe to
Our Newsletter