My mother moved in with me when my oldest sister dies who lived with her. My brother died when I was 9. My mother and 2 sisters have been addicted to pain meds for years. One sister comitted suicide and the other who lived with mom died when her colon died. Her body couldnt even process the pain meds anymore. Years ago I made the decision to walk away and would only hear from mom when the oldest sister drained her accounts . When she died my moms accountwas charged 983 dollars in overdraft charges alone. So my only option was to move her in. She was in the hole over 2000.00. My husband and I discussed it. We felt this may be a chance to form a friendship if nothing else.
It has been a battle since after the first 3 months. When she accused my daughters fiance of stealing her pain pills I took control of them. She is forced to go to a pain management dr to get her pain meds every 3 months. She goes in my room searching for them while we work. She accuses me of stealing her money. There is nothing wrong with my moms mind. Just this month alone she has spent 732.00 at qvc. She has spent 1000's with qvc since shes been here. Mom has copd and has oxegen in her room. In comes the worst of the argument. She smokes a pack a day in her bedroom and often dosent turn the oxegen off. Im terrified she will cause an explosion and kill us with her. When I take the cigs it turns into a horrible argument. My mother has treated her grandchildren so horribly none have been to my home for 2 years. She has a sister who will not even answer her phone when she calls. She asked a cousin if she could move in and was told no. So she informed me that I would have to have a judge remove her from my home. I accepted years ago that my mom had no use for me. At 10 years old she informed me that she couldnt believe god took johnny instead of me. I heard that for years. I would cry untill I matured and realized she was the one messed up not me.
Now I am 50 years old and taking the verbal abuse again. I hear about how fat I am and dumpy I am. I buy a new outfit and get told I look rediculous. I need some help trying to figure out how to get her out of here. I had to give her the pain meds back last week because she threatened to quit taking her other medicines and she would accuse me of keeping them from her. This is just the tip of the iceberg. Ive been happily married for 28 years to a wonderful man and have 2 beautiful daughters. We own our own home. She has her own room with a bath and never has anyone in my family not made her feel this wasnt her home too. We fix her plate every night, take her to dr. Appts, wash her clothes, and still she treats us this way. Anyone who can please guide me in the right direction I would be so grateful. I am so stressed. I cant sleep, ive gained 40 pounds and im tired everyday.
Have a blessed day
I was thinking of a storage unit for her belongings, but they so often want a multi-month contract. Plus, you were all off this weekend and it will be back to the work schedule Monday so your time for moving her things will be limited due to work.
Why is nephew being such a jerk? I wish I was there to give you a big hug and help in someway. I am praying today is better. Love and Hugs, Cattails
It's almost over .. it's almost over ... it's almost over.
(4 gas fill ups in less than 2 days, huh? Must be sharing with his friends. Same guys who ate $70 worth of pizza. That many guys could get the stuff moved in no time flat. lol)
Hold off on the Long Island tea. A little buzz will feel so much better when it is a victory celebration and you are sharing it with Doug.
Don't you have some kind of trashy novel, er, fine fiction in the house to distract you between text messages? Or at least a big box of chocolates? Continuing to post the outrageous stuff to us might be a good outlet, too.
it's almost over...it's almost over...it's almost over...it's almost over...
It's almost over. It's almost over. It really is.
While I know this living arrangement is only bringing back all the dysfunction from your younger days, your mom, apparently needs help, and professionals are best to handle this. If she would be better off in an adult assisted living facility, you might wind up with a more functional relationship if she were not living under the same roof. You need to assess where your initial obligations are. That may be towards your husband and children. If this living environment brings nothing but a disruptive situation, causing constant acrimony among everyone, then nothing positive will come of it. Your mom might need assistance that you and your husband are not equip to handle. I know you are dealing with an inner turmoil, but if you step back and look at it as if you were being asked the same advice by a close friend . . . what would you tell her? I would guess that no matter what you decide, your mom will be initially angry with you. Therefore, you have to decide based upon consultations with your husband, the doctor and maybe even a spiritual advisor. Once you have all the facts, you can move forward and leave the guilt behind. Believe it or not, your mom is dealing with a tremendous about of fear, and as humans, we tend to strike out with anger when we are the most afraid. She knows she can use you as her sounding board, but she probably wouldn't speak to a stranger in the same fashion. That is why it is important to bring in professionals to help you through this process. Also, do not be afraid to obtain counseling for yourself through this process. You need a neutral sounding board as well. In addition, a counselor helping you, will also be an excellent resource for appropriate help for your mom. Best of luck to you. I am sure you will do the right thing for your family and your mom.
Lisa, when your drugged out Nephew shows up with the cops, which he won't, at least not with the cops, tell them to check his pockets for your mom's debit card. Save the LI ice tea for Doug and send us an advanced announcement so we can all make one and share it with you. Please provide the recipe. Sounds yummy.
Love, Cattails
No one has to put up with abuse. Not from anyone. Sometimes we can feel very, very sorry for the person dishing out the abuse. When a loving wife has to place her husband in a care center to protect her own safety, because he has dementia and known methods to reduce his violence aren't working, that is profoundly sad for all parties. I've seen it in my caregiver support group and I just pray I am never in that situation. But whether the abuser "can't help it," or was abused herself, has an undiagnosed impairment, or is just plain evil, no one should have to endure abuse. And certainly not in their own home and inflicted on their family members.
The situation in this thread is so far beyond "You are right, Mother" that it isn't even in the same textbook, let alone on the same page.
ild1227, I really look forward to following your posts. I mean that. With your edcuation and your experience with more than one elder I think you will be a great contributor here. I hope my response is not discouraging to you. I don't mean it to be. A lot of us feel very vested in the outcome of this particular journey, and maybe we are a little overprotective of the thread. Elisa1961 is our hero!
@Austin, my intent was less about making mom mad by dropping all her stuff at the sidewalk than it was cutting to the chase and getting the darn event over with. She keeps throwing up roadblocks, so just dump all the belongings ON the roadblock, and go home to your new life.
I also agree that eventually she will see how well she had it...but she'll prob never admit it....