My mother moved in with me when my oldest sister dies who lived with her. My brother died when I was 9. My mother and 2 sisters have been addicted to pain meds for years. One sister comitted suicide and the other who lived with mom died when her colon died. Her body couldnt even process the pain meds anymore. Years ago I made the decision to walk away and would only hear from mom when the oldest sister drained her accounts . When she died my moms accountwas charged 983 dollars in overdraft charges alone. So my only option was to move her in. She was in the hole over 2000.00. My husband and I discussed it. We felt this may be a chance to form a friendship if nothing else.
It has been a battle since after the first 3 months. When she accused my daughters fiance of stealing her pain pills I took control of them. She is forced to go to a pain management dr to get her pain meds every 3 months. She goes in my room searching for them while we work. She accuses me of stealing her money. There is nothing wrong with my moms mind. Just this month alone she has spent 732.00 at qvc. She has spent 1000's with qvc since shes been here. Mom has copd and has oxegen in her room. In comes the worst of the argument. She smokes a pack a day in her bedroom and often dosent turn the oxegen off. Im terrified she will cause an explosion and kill us with her. When I take the cigs it turns into a horrible argument. My mother has treated her grandchildren so horribly none have been to my home for 2 years. She has a sister who will not even answer her phone when she calls. She asked a cousin if she could move in and was told no. So she informed me that I would have to have a judge remove her from my home. I accepted years ago that my mom had no use for me. At 10 years old she informed me that she couldnt believe god took johnny instead of me. I heard that for years. I would cry untill I matured and realized she was the one messed up not me.
Now I am 50 years old and taking the verbal abuse again. I hear about how fat I am and dumpy I am. I buy a new outfit and get told I look rediculous. I need some help trying to figure out how to get her out of here. I had to give her the pain meds back last week because she threatened to quit taking her other medicines and she would accuse me of keeping them from her. This is just the tip of the iceberg. Ive been happily married for 28 years to a wonderful man and have 2 beautiful daughters. We own our own home. She has her own room with a bath and never has anyone in my family not made her feel this wasnt her home too. We fix her plate every night, take her to dr. Appts, wash her clothes, and still she treats us this way. Anyone who can please guide me in the right direction I would be so grateful. I am so stressed. I cant sleep, ive gained 40 pounds and im tired everyday.
Have a blessed day
About that room, I say leave the door open, paint it a lovely favorite, bright or soothing color, change the drapes, make it sitting (t.v.) room or reading room or office. Totally do a make over and with each step, think/know that it is also changing you. Be sure to have uplifting music on when you do it too. BE HAPPY! You ARE a good person and you deserve GOOD things to happen in your life. Hugs to you, your hubby & daughters!
For the most part, she is quiet and stays in her room. She has a beautiful room in our home with a table to do her puzzles and a lazyboy chair and tv. She has her own bathroom. She has a lot of health issues and dementia, but is mobile and symptom free with all her medications. We have tried to do the best for her physically. The first thing we did when she came was sign her up for senior daycare to get her out for activities. She gets out more than we do. We are the ones who always feel trapped because we can't take any trips without lining up relatives to stay with her.
I walk on eggshells around her because if I get into any conversations with her, she dredges up everything from the beginning of time of what she is unhappy about. When she first came, I made suggestions to help make her life easier but was always told "This is the way I've always done it". So I keep conversations short and don't ask anything that would get her going. She has dementia and can't remember anything so we have to remind her to do everything. If my husband tells her, she smiles and takes it well. If I say anything, she gets angry. She smiles at him and talks. With me, she doesn't even make eye contact. She has always felt her son made a mistake marrying me and just told me that again yesterday, which is why I got on here. My husband and I are Christians, but my husband was a Catholic growing up, so she has always been mad about that, even though she doesn't have any interest in going to church herself. She and her sisters had sourpusses at our wedding because we didn't have a priest at our service, only our own Baptist minister. She keeps telling me I hated her from the moment I met her. If I hated her, would we have taken her into our home? She is the most spiteful, petty woman and always has been. My husband said she and her sisters held so many grudges against each other that they argued at a funeral and didn't talk for 8 years. She feels she should come before me. My husband and I bought this house brand new 11 years ago and our memories in this home are of his mom causing problems between us. I don't even remember what our marriage was like before she came into the picture. All the things that my husband does for her are things that I have suggested for him to do. She doesn't realize that I am the one who makes sure all the meds are ordered, purchased and organized. I buy her special groceries. I keep up with her banking. I have never minded taking care of her. I just wish she would show a little appreciation with a smile or a thankyou or a how are you doing today? She NEVER initiates conversation with me herself, only my husband. It just makes me feel like an outsider in my own home.
But I feel fortunate that we have not had to go through what you have, Lisa.
When we get to the point of placing mom in assisted living or a nursing home, I now have some good information about which resources to call.
I am sure you have helped a lot of people who have been reading your story. And, yes, you should write a book someday. You are a survivor!
support - a gazillion..... YOU WIN....
Lisa, I'm glad you talked to your husband and found out that he was going through the same thing. It's the affect of the trauma you have both endured. It doesn't end the minute she leaves the house. That's not possible.
I think about how my life will be after my dad no longer lives with us and it's hard for me to even imagine how I will pick up the threads of my life. It's there, kind of, but it seems like it's in the past, like I left it behind for too long. I'm going to need time to get reacquainted with myself. I know that sounds weird, but it's the best I can explain it for now.
I'm going to try what JaneB suggested. I actually cut and pasted her comment on another thread. Of course I gave her credit for the suggestion. I think she is right, that there is another part of us that needs to be empowered to explain or reassure our honed reactions that the danger has passed. We need to reunite our fractured self.
After all, when you get to the point where all your energy goes toward being able to endure, you have to shut down other parts of yourself. I guess it's like rebooting your computer or defragmenting it and getting things back in order. Nevertheless, we are not machines, even if we have felt like one for a while.
On the bright side, we are so fortunate to have the opportunity to regather our self and take the time to love the parts of us that we had to turn away from. There is a special gift in learning to sooth that part of you that has been left out. It's like tending to an over tired child who just needs to be reassured and rocked for a while. It's so good to be able to visualize that and love yourself.
I hope we all have a good nights sleep and a better tomorrow. Love you all, Cattails.
Then come home, have a glass of wine. And start planning the redecorating of that room you need to reclaim.
I guess my concern is that you don't end up having to go to court and all that. So I guess I am saying, go to the meeting, make sure your mom's statement is accurate. Make it clear to the cops that you've had enough of all the family dramas and that you do not intend to become further involved.
Good luck, Cat
Guess I am just wanting it to really be OVER for you... projecting my own "NO WAY" into this... lol..... let us know what you decide, we'll support you, but just keep an ear out for the "next" thing... then we'll tell you enough is enough..... remember...YOU WIN......
Lisa, my sister made today - Saturday - my and her 2 grandkids (1 yr and 8 months old) day. She treated all of us to breakfast and Underwater World and then shopping and finished it off at Hagaan-Daas. We were limited in our time because my curfew begins at 3pm. So, it was quite hectic trying to squeeze everything in. And she absolutely refused to let me pay for my share.
Anyway, while she was driving, I mentioned that I used to think my life was bad - with the parents and no help from sis/bros. I mentioned this website and told her that other caregivers are having it worse! Uhm...I mentioned your story. And I was laughing as I told them that your mom called the adult protective services on you. Sis and her daughter gasped. Then I said WHY she called them and I started laughing again. They didn't think it was funny...So, I had to backtrack and give more detail. I guess one needs to read from the beginning to get the humor!
Lisa, I do believe you have a wicked sense of humor. And so does a LOT of commentors on this website. Yesterday, while I was driving home after work, I reflected about my life before and after this website. I actually giggled a lot as I read various Discussions. It hit me that cat and you and everyone have a wicked sense of humor - which I also have. Except, my family says that I am sarcastic or mean. Like when I was laughing when you took away your her "privileges. " My family would not see the humor in it. I thought it was funny. Gotta go. Another marathon of pamper changing. I'm soooo glad this will be the last 2 for today. The sooner I change their pampers, clean the trache and stomach tube - the sooner they can sleep and I have "my time." Later!
You are the only one to make a decision in this matter. You know somewhere in her heart is "LOVE", because God gives us all a portion. I will include you in my prayers. KEEP YOUR FAITH........God does not mean for your mother to rule your family. Go out with your family and have at least one day a week to find someone to come stay with her. When she realizes you and your family will not be bullied by her, maybe she will appreciate how much you do for her. I had to stand up to my mother when I knew she was wrong. The soft side of her heart caved in. Your mother does love you, even though the hateful side speaks. Let's pray......
Father, Forgive her for speaking hateful mean things to the one who Loves her, and has suffered in this time of care. Father, I ask for peace in her mothers heart, healing in her time of illness, and GRACE be with us in our time of need. Father, Allow us to come to the throne of Heaven and lay our cares on you. We know you have power over all things and we thank you for each Blessing we receive. God Bless and Keep you.....
Another thing is that you were not a witness to things that took place. For example, you were not there when your mom gave him the debit card and you were not with the nephew when he used it. The only defense the nephew has is that he will claim your mom gave him the card and said he could use it for himself.
Ladee is right, there will always be one more thing. I support whatever decision you make, but I'm taking a softer stance on your involvement. Maybe it is time to say no more. Something to think about.
Hugs, Cattails
If U R new here, Lisa already moved her mom out--go back and read the thread from the beginning--Lisa and her family are an amazing model of strength and grace, and U can see the wonderful amount of support N luv available here...
Now then, Lisa I hope you woke without the stomach knot or tingling this am! I
liked the sign for Doug!
Breathe, she's gone, going to the lake, not our problem....happy day!
Luv u all, kim
RE: Elsa
Have read all posts. It is easy to tell someone else what they should do when you are not walking in there shoes. I get it. If you do not fully have LOVE for another person, be it mother, brother, daughter, son, etc. , then by all means kick them out. My mother lived with us for nine years, and hateful actions from her was not the word for it. It was pure "Hell on earth". And I did make that decision to say, " That is enough!"
I did the mental warrant and they took her to the ward and let her out within five hours, after telling me she would be kept for seventy two hours and evaluated. I am just saying, " you need to be prepared for the system to let you down", ADPS told me they could not do anything for her, until she became a threat to herself or others. Due to this fact, I had to set and watch her be taken advantage of by a companion that was just after her money. MY GOD, two days before she had the massive stroke, she was sick and crying that she wanted to go home. He ignored the signs and made her stay in the hot sun on a golf course to please him. This was reported to me by the staff at the golf course,while mother was lying in the hospital on life support. He should have taken her to the hospital, that day. But, instead he ignored the signs, and took her to Walmart on Wednesday, and she fell over in the car from the massive Stroke. If she had been with us, there might have been a chance for her to recover. When she had the stroke, he took her to the rent house and tried to take her into the house, then she fell out of the car. He had to get a neighbot to come help him get her up. The neighbor is the one who said, " you need to get her to the hospital, something is not right." Two hours later she was in the hospital in ICU with life support, and no chance to come out of it. My mother's last words to me were, " I RUE THE DAY YOU WERE BORN", all this because I tried to get her some help. Above all else, this was my mother, and I love her. Only one difference between my situation, and this one, My mother passed away this May, not even a month ago, and now I regret going off on her. The ill feelings between us is the hardest part of grieving. If you can live what you do, then do it. Elsa is angry now, as I was, but later thoughts of what she does, will come back to haunt her, in the end. No parent could have been more hateful, or meaner than my mother. I realize it is hard to cope with in your own home, because I have been there. I was lucky that my mother was not bed ridden, but mothers mind had been affected by numerous strokes, leaving dementia. Elsa obviously had other issues from the past that are taken into account in her decision. Anger is normal, regret will come next, then the time to ask forgiveness is required. You have no idea what has happened to her mother to cause her to be the way she is. My mother was angry because her mother was taken away to a State Hospital when she was two years old. She was angry because in 1929 she was tossed around to different relatives to live. I watched my mother physically abuse my dad, mentally abuse my sister, and both of these affected my brother. My brother committed suicide because of the way my mother was.
So, My comment on Elsa's problem, is from years of experience. I really did not have to read all the almost 600 comments to know what she is going through.
If Elsa wants to write a letter of God, out of anger, she needs to be careful what she says. As I have said, God already knows what she is going through. God puts us in situations that will make us stronger, in the end.
At the end of the day, we must ask ourselves, "Have I done all I can do to please God?" I DO NOT THINK ANYONE SHOULD BE TELLING ELSA WHAT TO DO WITH HER MOTHER. SHE SHOULD BE DOING WHATEVER SHE FEELS IN HER HEART. PRAYING ABOUT IT FIRST FOR GUIDANCE. I hope there are others on this site who can relate with my views. If she makes a decision on what others think, then how can she accept the outcome? In no way am I telling her what to do.
Good luck with whatever decision you make, Elsa. God Bless You and Yours.
I am very sorry for the loss of your mom, and under circumstances that could have had a different outcome if handles properly..my heart hurts for anyone that looses someone they love....
Your comments were appreciated, but by you not knowing the full story.... it simply came across as preaching,and I am speaking for myself here.... and because you didn't read the other posts you didn't get the sense of Lisa's humor..... but all that being said, I am here to tell you I DO NOT LOVE my father.... just because he was a sperm donar doesn not automatically entitle him to my love.... do I feel guilt and shame, not in the least...I am not bitter or angry, I'm simply indifferent... his is anwering for his life and I will answer for my own....
I apologize to everyone on this thread for putting my pesonal stuff out there, but I do get weary from 'the easily offended'.....