My mother moved in with me when my oldest sister dies who lived with her. My brother died when I was 9. My mother and 2 sisters have been addicted to pain meds for years. One sister comitted suicide and the other who lived with mom died when her colon died. Her body couldnt even process the pain meds anymore. Years ago I made the decision to walk away and would only hear from mom when the oldest sister drained her accounts . When she died my moms accountwas charged 983 dollars in overdraft charges alone. So my only option was to move her in. She was in the hole over 2000.00. My husband and I discussed it. We felt this may be a chance to form a friendship if nothing else.
It has been a battle since after the first 3 months. When she accused my daughters fiance of stealing her pain pills I took control of them. She is forced to go to a pain management dr to get her pain meds every 3 months. She goes in my room searching for them while we work. She accuses me of stealing her money. There is nothing wrong with my moms mind. Just this month alone she has spent 732.00 at qvc. She has spent 1000's with qvc since shes been here. Mom has copd and has oxegen in her room. In comes the worst of the argument. She smokes a pack a day in her bedroom and often dosent turn the oxegen off. Im terrified she will cause an explosion and kill us with her. When I take the cigs it turns into a horrible argument. My mother has treated her grandchildren so horribly none have been to my home for 2 years. She has a sister who will not even answer her phone when she calls. She asked a cousin if she could move in and was told no. So she informed me that I would have to have a judge remove her from my home. I accepted years ago that my mom had no use for me. At 10 years old she informed me that she couldnt believe god took johnny instead of me. I heard that for years. I would cry untill I matured and realized she was the one messed up not me.
Now I am 50 years old and taking the verbal abuse again. I hear about how fat I am and dumpy I am. I buy a new outfit and get told I look rediculous. I need some help trying to figure out how to get her out of here. I had to give her the pain meds back last week because she threatened to quit taking her other medicines and she would accuse me of keeping them from her. This is just the tip of the iceberg. Ive been happily married for 28 years to a wonderful man and have 2 beautiful daughters. We own our own home. She has her own room with a bath and never has anyone in my family not made her feel this wasnt her home too. We fix her plate every night, take her to dr. Appts, wash her clothes, and still she treats us this way. Anyone who can please guide me in the right direction I would be so grateful. I am so stressed. I cant sleep, ive gained 40 pounds and im tired everyday.
Have a blessed day
Your post does make me think, however, if there is SOMETHING that would be "serious" enough to warrant your intervention? I gently invite you to consider if that's the case, and if so, to know in advance what it might be. If there is some part of you that actively considers, "Is THIS 'serious' enough?" every time you hear from her, that is a part of you that is still on alert. If you know: Coma, verified by a third party, is serious enough and nothing else (for example), then you won't be doing the automatic sorting ("do I go or not?") that each call seems to trigger.
It might be that you make a blanket rule that for, say, 90 days, NOTHING is "serious" enough to respond to, so that she learns two quit asking. Or whatever time frame seems long enough to really help you (each) grown stronger wings. Or maybe you know exactly what category of thing will be sufficient to warrant you heading back. But, maybe, give this some thought. Define some clear boundaries, and move forward from there.
She's not my problem....She's not my problem....she's not my problem...remember JeanneGibbs's mantra!
I'd stay away. They can't make you take care of her. The hospital HAS CLOTHING. If you MUST get involved, drop off cab fare in the hospital social worker's office. Don't say hi, don't see her. Don't reset the clock here. So what, she's in the hospital? People can work themselves into a frenzy and end up in the hospital if they want to. She did and she did. IT'S NOT MY PROBLEM. IT'S NOT MY PROBLEM!
And send DOUG with the cab fare. Don't even step foot in the hospital.
Okay. I think I'm done now. Except for wishing I could call and stop you from getting involved. ;-)
go to the apt PLEASE, PLEASE ask a police office to meet you there and be present when you enter and exit to verfy what you are taking. When you get to the hospital make sure someone is also present and can verify the release of the purse.
Maybe you should consider making one phone call to Jane and tell her that you are not going to get involved. Put the ball back in her court. If your mom "refused" to take her purse then that's a clue. She REFUSED to take her purse., she didn't just forget it. Jane should have given it to the ems. What about her medical cards?
If you can find it in you to stay out of this, it will send a strong message to your mom. I know it's hard for you, but give this some thought. Your mom will be calling you constantly from the hospital. If you do not get involved she will get the surprise of her life and she will know you are serious.
Big hugs to you and lots of love, Cattails
She created her problem - let her solve it. I know that sounds tough, and it is - tough love as you would give to an out-of-control teenager, only she is an out of control senior. The more you give in to her, the more she will demand.
My two cents - hope it helps.
Another mantra - I will do what is good for me!
I know it isn't easy, but it gets easier with practice and as you see that they can manage without your involvement.
Take care - (((((((((((((((((((((hugs))))))))))))))
Joan
You and Doug have a little time to think this through. JaneB had mentioned earlier that it would be good for you to give thought to under what circumstances, if any, you want to be involved with your mom. If she is admitted, then hospital staff will take care of her.
I guess I'm asking if you want to be at her side when she passes away. I doubt she would have any kind words for you at that moment. I'm thinking ahead, like JaneB suggested and trying to imagine circumstance that require your involvement or circumstances that would cause you to "want" to see or be with your mom.
These are difficult issues, but you will need to face them at some point. Something to consider and you can come to conclusions in your own time.
At this particular moment, I doubt she is dying. Sending you lots of hugs, Cattails
I hung on to the unattainable expectations, and the impossible dream far too long. I am glad you are leaving them behind now, and have years ahead of you without the garbage you have experienced in the past.
more (((((((((((((((hugs))))))))))))
Joan
Your mom's medical situation requires that she be admitted and that's what is being done. As you said, she is in good hands. Whatever you do, make sure you are doing it because you "want" to, not because you are concerned about how you will look to the hospital staff or to Jane.
This might be a good time to remind Jane that you don't want to be involved with your mom's life (if that's how you feel) and ask if she can pursue a state guardianship for her. Ask if she has ever done that before and if she knows the process.
It might be something that you could look into also. I'm not saying you have to do this right now, but read up a bit on the process or talk to the people you know in the court system or the Adult Protective Services. While your mom can claim to be in her right mind, some of the problems she has had, for example, being scammed by her nephew, not once, but twice in the past few months might tell a different story. One could argue that she is a threat to her own well being.
A guardianship might bring you some additional closure and it would definitely give Jane someone else to call. Having said all of that, what would Jane be doing if your mom had no family?
I think as you go through this episode of "How the World Turns Around Mother" you will be more clear about what you want the next hospitalization to be handled as it pertains to your involvement.
Sending you white light and lots of support. Love and Hugs too, Cattails
Taking Doug with you to meet with Jane is absolutely brilliant. See, you are getting so much better and smarter at this. If you chose to talk to your mom, don't feel embarrassed to tell us. Whatever you do, you will evaluate and re-evaluate and move on.
Yep, the apt will be just the way she left it. Good. She can hire a housekeeper if she needs one, a paid slave to do her laundry, etc. That works. It just isn't going to be you.
Keep your chin up and soldier on. Love, Cattails
Don't get sucked in - she will work hard to achieve that, and it takes effort on your part to resist it. What if she is worse? Nothing you can do about it. She will die one day, most probably before you - that is natural. Nothing you can do about that either. It comes to us all, but the way there does not have to be one narcissistic crisis after another. For them it will be, I take it all with a pound of salt, and ignore most of it.
(((((((((((((hugs))))))))))) look after you, keep your peace...
Yes, you had her number a long time ago - you were right about the nephew.
We do need to look after ourselves first. It gets easier with practice.)
Grandchildren are a huge blessing,and need grandmotherly love. My daughter has some of my mother in her -that is another story - but my granddaughter is a sweetie. Glad to see that those genes missed her. Hope you get lots of beautiful grandchildren to love!
Lisa, I'm so relieved you didn't end up there. My though is that it doesn't matter what her diagnosis is. You can't change it. You can't help her. Let it go. Why do you have to have an answer? Even a terminal diagnosis won't mean she can or will change. Nor will it mean her time here really is short. Can you be okay never seeing her again? Know what would be okay by you, and say no to everything else. Focus elsewhere.
When is the redecoration project, for example? sending love to this magnificent community.