My mother moved in with me when my oldest sister dies who lived with her. My brother died when I was 9. My mother and 2 sisters have been addicted to pain meds for years. One sister comitted suicide and the other who lived with mom died when her colon died. Her body couldnt even process the pain meds anymore. Years ago I made the decision to walk away and would only hear from mom when the oldest sister drained her accounts . When she died my moms accountwas charged 983 dollars in overdraft charges alone. So my only option was to move her in. She was in the hole over 2000.00. My husband and I discussed it. We felt this may be a chance to form a friendship if nothing else.
It has been a battle since after the first 3 months. When she accused my daughters fiance of stealing her pain pills I took control of them. She is forced to go to a pain management dr to get her pain meds every 3 months. She goes in my room searching for them while we work. She accuses me of stealing her money. There is nothing wrong with my moms mind. Just this month alone she has spent 732.00 at qvc. She has spent 1000's with qvc since shes been here. Mom has copd and has oxegen in her room. In comes the worst of the argument. She smokes a pack a day in her bedroom and often dosent turn the oxegen off. Im terrified she will cause an explosion and kill us with her. When I take the cigs it turns into a horrible argument. My mother has treated her grandchildren so horribly none have been to my home for 2 years. She has a sister who will not even answer her phone when she calls. She asked a cousin if she could move in and was told no. So she informed me that I would have to have a judge remove her from my home. I accepted years ago that my mom had no use for me. At 10 years old she informed me that she couldnt believe god took johnny instead of me. I heard that for years. I would cry untill I matured and realized she was the one messed up not me.
Now I am 50 years old and taking the verbal abuse again. I hear about how fat I am and dumpy I am. I buy a new outfit and get told I look rediculous. I need some help trying to figure out how to get her out of here. I had to give her the pain meds back last week because she threatened to quit taking her other medicines and she would accuse me of keeping them from her. This is just the tip of the iceberg. Ive been happily married for 28 years to a wonderful man and have 2 beautiful daughters. We own our own home. She has her own room with a bath and never has anyone in my family not made her feel this wasnt her home too. We fix her plate every night, take her to dr. Appts, wash her clothes, and still she treats us this way. Anyone who can please guide me in the right direction I would be so grateful. I am so stressed. I cant sleep, ive gained 40 pounds and im tired everyday.
Have a blessed day
Another thought - would your doc write a note to jane that you cannot be involved with your mum's care as she is abusive to you? Jane is just not taking the effect of this on you this seriously enough, IMO.
Hope you have had that cry, and are feeling less tension now.
((((((((((((((((((((hugs))))))))))))) and love
What exactly is Jane's problem? So she can't put the drama queen in a cab. What would she do if DQ had no living relatives? This is Jane's JOB for crying out loud.
If I were Jane and the medicine was from a place that doesn't deliver and I felt DQ could not go by herself in a cab, I would send a cab (or other courier service) to pick up the meds and deliver them. Duh. This happens all the time in the business world. But no, she has to drag two people away from their own activities and subject them to terrible stress. If she HAD to involve a relative (and I can't imagine why she would), why not just have the med picked up and dropped off? What on earth was the benefit of sending DQ -- judged too shakey to go by herself -- off with the daughter she abuses?
The more I think about, the madder I get at Jane. She really couldn't figure out how the drama queen could get her breathing medicine without involving you!? And ths woman has some kind of college degree and a responsible job?
But, dear Lisa, this too is Not Your Problem!
I'll bet Doug had more practical solutions in mind. I'm looking forward to the next episode of How the World Turns Around Mother, in which will be revealed the plan to extricate long-suffering daughter (LSD) from Professional's imcompetency.
Jane may have been responding more to the physical signs of distress that DQ was manifesting and she has probably been trained to avoid any potential for a law suit. First order of business being, shift responsibility and document everything you try to do. Another example of this was when DQ went by ambulance to the hospital and "refused" to take her purse. Then Jane calls Lisa, "Your mother refused to take her purse and has no clothes." Jane is probably thinking, "If I gave her purse to the EM's then DQ could claim money was missing from it and I would be responsible for going against her wishes." This is crap, but it is the way some places work, especially if they responsible for taking care of a vulnerable population.
I'm speaking for myself here, but if it were me, I would call Adult Protective Services and talk to the people I already know there. I would tell them that I will not take any responsibility for my mother. I would reinforce that she is a sociopath and a chronic liar. I would tell them that I intend to send them a letter in writing advising them that they need to have DQ mentally evaluated and a guardian appointed. I would tell them that I also intend to give spirit house a letter telling them not to call me with regard to my mothers needs. They can advise me if she has been hospitalized, but they can not call upon me for intervention due to Mother's mental illness and her abusive nature.
I don't know if Lisa is up to this and we will see how things progress with the conversation Doug had with Jane. If it continues, then Lisa may have one more hoop to jump through to get all parties to act and quit passing the buck due to potential liability.
Lisa, I don't mean to talk to you in the third person. I know dealing with your mom's issues can be traumatic, but you may have to clear the field of reluctant players and turn the onus bank on them via written statements. They will then have been put on formal notice and if they fail to act, there is no doubt where the responsibility lies. I think that will change the dynamics.
Just my thoughts and excuse my frustration. I am angry with Jane and angry that we have to all deal with stupidity on a regular basis. We are all so responsible and determined to learn and do our best, but then we have to deal with the bureaucrats who seem to require the steel toed boot up the butt to get them to move.
Thanks for letting me vent. Cattails
AND DQ is "not my problem." I'm glad Jane heard everything. From now on, maybe, you can say, "Not my problem," Lisa. Again, be CLEAR what is and what is NOT "your problem," and prepare to truly let her go. Who cares what others think? DQ is NOT YOUR PROBLEM.
I hope this next part doesn't sound off-topic, and I am not looking for condolences, but my Dad -- who always wanted things His Way or the Highway -- died on Friday. And the overall fact is that it is better for all of us, himself included, that he is gone. I spent so much time and attention and so many resources trying to make an irrevocably unhappy person happier. It doesn't work. Your example, Lisa, helped me in the end. I'm so grateful.
Listen these wise women. "Not my problem" for EVERY PROBLEM you get presented with, from now on. Included death. Take care of the people who matter. She is not one of them.
Next, we have places here in Texas called Dairy Queen, of course we call it DQ, I will NEVER EVER EVER be able to eat there again..... that's a good thing, but they do have some killer ice cream...
Next, never ever be afraid to tell anyone that you did what you felt you should do.... none of here are judging you that;s for sure...... and it's not over until it's over, that's why a while back I stated how good this thread is for people possibly going thru something simialar....to know, it's not a one time situation..... it's not a final goodbye, but everyone will get it loud and clear... It's not your problem... and please tell Doug that there are some tired cranky cheerleaders out here who just adore him..... that the two of you have given us all hope and courage to stand up and say, NO... it's done... extra prayers for you and your family Lisa.....
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As for jane wanting to bring families together - maybe - (or maybe she is covering her butt as others have mentioned), but in any case that doesn't work for the good guys in dysfunctional families. They just get more abuse. Where is her head, and where has it been for 40 years????
It is great you found Johnny's grave - you needed that, and still do. I go places in town where Gordie (my son who was killed 10 years ago) and I went, and I get some peace. Once we got mac-hamburgers and sat down by the river looking at the trees in the fall . He ate some of my fries, and most of my sundae. It is a good memory, and I get a good feeling going back there.
I like this Johnny Depp quote - "I am always fascinated by people who are considered normal, because I find them the weirdest of all."
No one thinks you are nuts, Lisa. You are a wonderful. warm, sane woman, who has been put up with much too much, and is coming through it with flying colours. You are moving away from your mum steadily - going in the right direction! You are getting to the place you want to be.
Love and hugs (((((((((((((((((((hugs)))))))))))))))))))
The cemetary: Could that have been the first time you were able to exercise any real control over your life? And you reached out for the help you needed too. Please don't think of it as nutty behavior--it is not--it's wonderful. Was it the first step in getting yourself a life, other than the one imposed on you? You get your peace anywhere you can find it. Glad Doug knows you completely. And judgement here? Yes, we ARE judging you--to be a wonderful, wise and special woman who is truly a survivor. Our care and love for you is UNCONDITIONAL and safe. Remember that, OK? Yes, it's brave to bare your sole here, but geesh, hasn't it worked out well!!
Doug: your knight in shining armor, the envy of women everywhere. A true MAN and a rockin husband! Doug is a wonderful front-man for the Kick Ass Women-thank you, and thank you Doug, for the great way you love and protect your wife and family, and share them with us. (It's ok if you're secretly glad we are virtual)
Mom, oops, I mean DQ: Played JANE like a fiddle! Glad mom was on the receiving end and got to have someone cause HER a twitch for once-I think it's been a long time since she had a body jerk reaction-other than her recent withdrawal issue!
Jane: Was thinking she was young or inexperienced. 40 years-Really? Extra pathetic. Sorry Jane. Ask your supervisor for help and more training. Better yet. Retire. Keeping families together? Really, Seriously. I think Doug may have given her a twitch AND played her like a fiddle! A little double teaming was quite in order. She thinks she can dump POA duties on you, more like POW! If some progress isn't forthcoming, a nicely toned written record of her disregard for your multiple guardianship requests, especially after witnessing the abusive behaviors towards Lisa, with a copy to the agency director, should help protect you from the long arm of that absurd K-law and would effectively keep some pressure on her from the top down. Sometimes the best defense is a good offense-have you thought of contacting the co agency who handles Guardianships to let them know of the abusive behavior and your valid need for some distance. You could possibly find out if any paperwork has already been started too...
MIL: I'm glad she has been your rock. I'm so sorry she's having problems. It's a good thing to know when to tuck tail and run! I hope the right answer will present itself. I'm touched by what you wrote, beautiful.
Lisa: You're fierce. Be good to yourself.
Luv and hugs to you all.
Lisa, this is a general statement. Yes, if you are living with your parent and they are in need of medical attention and you will not call an ambulance, then you have some responsibility in their demise or lack of treatment. It does not mean that you have to jump everytime a crazy sociopath says jump.
If you need to get an attorney to make you feel more secure, then do that, but make sure the attorney knows his shit. You don't need to be bullied by one side and then financially drained from another.
I am a somewhat common sense person and I have spent almost 40 years married to someone who has been in law enforcement. We are retired now, but he still works, part time, as an criminal investigator for the county we currently live in. We are from California and now living in Washington state. California is far and beyond Washington in training and sophistication where laws are concerned. Washington is a little backwards is our estimation. Maybe you state is a little backwards too, but it just does not make sense that a mentally ill mother is you burden in life. That's BS.
I'm going to go back to my original suggestion to you. Call the people you know in Adult Protective Services and tell them that your mother needs a mental evaluation and a guardian appointed. Tell them what they already know. That she is mentally ill, abusive and a threat to herself and YOU WILL NOT TAKE RESPONSIBIiTY FOR HER. You can document this in so many ways.
We will wait to see what happens as a result of Doug's talk with Jane, but do not expect that this will go away. The responsibility needs to be shifted. It can be done if problems continue.
I hate to say this, but what will we all do when your mom stops being a problem. I am embarrassed to say this, but no one who is honest on this tread could not admit that we will miss the shit your mom pulls. If she ever gets a guardian, we all want to be in email contact with her/him. Twitch, Twitch, Snicker, Sniker, Snort, Snort. Love Ya, Cattails.
Good ole SuperDoug! Look out mrs Jane- u really messed up-wonder if she got the forms out of her drawer yet? hehe. We know she' not busy "checking" on her tenants, she may be sidetracked by some twitching?
Here in NC, we have the same hot forecast. So off to flood my plants and garden before we head to the beach. Everybody stay cool! Luv, luv, luv u all!