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Good point kimbee. Those are Doug and the girls thoughts too. Jen is very adamant. This summer is for you mom. My aunt raes pool is up and being filled now. It's going to take at least a few days to fill. Going to give the dogs a bath today. We've been lucky over the years not having problems with fleas on our dogs. Doug has always treated our yard regularly. Don't know why they have fleas this year. We have 3. Beths is angel, a llaso. Jen has a corgy, nala. And Doug and I have bandit. A shitzu. We lost our 2 best friends in the last 3 years. Our Casey was a golden retriever. We had to put him to sleep 3 years ago. He was 14. Then exactly 1 year to the day we lost Sadie. She was 17. I have 2 great nephews who learned to walk with Casey. He was so gentle. They would grab his hair and just walk along with him. We had the option to have them cremated but Doug was so against it. I wasn't sure why. But it became clear. He made a garden in the back that is beautiful. We went to the "concrete lady" in indianna and bought statues and they took pictures of our dogs and painted them. They turned out beautiful. Look just like our baby's. Then the next addition to their garden was the benches the girls added the next spring. Nala and Casey were the best of friends. Those first few months nala would lay on his grave and we would literally have 2 pick her up To bring her back in the house. The DQ was living here when Sadie died, and daily for months she would throw in my face you can cry for a stupid ass dog but not for your own sisters? Your sick in the head. Don't know why I'm telling you about our dogs. They have always brought our whole family such joy. I'm sure some of you are finding the same joy in your animals. Well, time for their baths. Thank goodness they all love to be bathed.
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Maybe you should just take this summer to heal and float with Aunt Rae. The past 2 years have been pretty grueling for you.... not a bad idea to have a summer for yourself. Go for it!
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Lisa: I agree that you should take some time off. Enjoy the summer with your family and take the time to adjust to a new reality. Maybe even get through the rest of the year, the holidays, etc. before you get involved in volunteering at a nursing home.

I loved your idea of spending a little more time with your MIL and FIL. Summer evening BBQ's and evening board games. Relaxing time and the simple pleasures of just being together and connecting.

If you get involved in volunteering, it might be wise to keep that to yourself and not let MIL know. It will probably cause her some anxiety in view of family concerns regarding her memory, etc.

I'm really happy that Doug is making calls to Jane. Hope that gets the ball rolling. In the meantime, keeping your distance from her becomes easier and easier.

Sending you lots of hugs and love, Cattails
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Well, if only Doug could make the DQ's phone calls cease. She's in a mood today. The pain management dr that dropped her as a patient sent her a formal letter. He has accused her of dr shopping. One message after another screaming. Plain and simple truth is she never reported any of her hospital visits and the 20 day rebab visits that left her with all those extra Meds. Her own dr never adjusted the Xanax that were left over extra. How unethical is that. So now her messages are downright threats. She's calling the DEA on me for destroying the pain Meds that was extra while she lived in my home." I'll see your fat ass sitting in jail just like the sisters you thought you were so much better than". I don't see how that could happen. What I did do was stop the abuse while living in my home. Even then she would skip pills and hide them so she could overmedicate herself. Then the days she was without till they were filled that next Saturday she would stay in bed the entire day. So what am I going to do now? Do you think there's any way to head off the shit she's about to bring down on me? Keep in mind this crazy ass woman has spent a lifetime doing this crap to people. I've called my boss. She has staff meeting tomorrow with the heads of transportation. She's going to make sure they are aware of the possibilities of phone calls of accusations against me. Please don't think I'm worrying for nothing.I know her, and I'm trying to be proactive and not sit and wait for hell to rain down on me. what can I do about the dea. Call them? Set up an appointment?
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My God, I am so angry with myself that I ever let that woman put one foot in my door!!
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First off you are not responsible for your mother doctor shopping and they (the doctors) or at least the Pharmacy should have bee on top of it. They also dea
should reconize that your mother is drug seeking. If you were the POA and you made the appts for her and were responsible for her drugs you might have something to worry about but you have back up. I know you stated Doug cannot change his phone # but what about you changing your cell and have all the house calls forwarded to Doug's cell. (Can you have #'s blocked). I fell for you. We have residents here at our NH that cheek their meds to avoid taking them or saving them for later. Have you called Doug?
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Yes, I called him. He is calling to see if any calls on the landline can be forwarded to him. And I'm still hesitant to do that. Let me tell you why. I think I need to keep every single message and save everyone of them. She dosen't have anyone to spew her venom at except me. Ladies, I truly believe at some point she will have to be committed. Now without the drugs keeping her somewhat sedated, I think I'm seeing and hearing now just how dam crazy she is. If I can just hold on long enough, they have a guardian appointed, then that guardian and this state would surely have to address all this?? Can I insist on it even if I've given up any say in her care? I need to find out these things right?
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OK Lisa: Your crime against God and Country is that you did not let your mother accumulate additional medications (ones that could be abused) while she was living with you. Your goal was that she over dose or pain medication or mind altering medications and you saw to it that she took her pills as prescribed by her doctor.

Wow, I wonder how many years you can get for that; especially now that you know there is a written letter from her pain management doctor accusing her of abusing her use of prescriptions and essentially hoarding pills or taking more than prescribed.

I know you are upset right now, but try to see this objectively. The DEA has bigger fish to fry than you. It's not like you stole your mom's pain meds and then sold them on the street. The reality of the situation is that your story is corroborated by the letter from her pain management doctor.

I'm sure your mom is royally pissed off right now. She got caught scamming the system and now she's having a hard time getting a drug supplier. She can call one of her other doctors and explain and eventually things will get worked out for her. In the meantime, she can take tylenol.

I'm sure your mom will call the DEA. Maybe she'll call the police too. She'd call the President if she could get through. She'd feed you to the wolves if she had some and could tell them how to get to your home. She'd run over you if she had a car. NOTHING IS GOING TO HAPPEN, except you may (and I restate May) have to explain to one more person that your mother is a crazy, out-of-control, sociopath and a royal bitch with a long history of abuse.

You have so many witnesses to this that you need a program to keep all the witnesses straight. Why don't you keep a notebook of the problems that come up and all the people who witness them.

Who in the world do you think people are going to believe; you and Doug or your crazy, foul mouthed mother? They are going to believe you.

I think you have to look at your mom as some people have to look at various illnesses. Some illnesses have cures and some are chronic and have to be continually managed. You mom is a chronic problem. Just when you think you are rid of her, cured of having to see or hear from her, she blows through the phone lines and disrupts your life with her threats and hate. This will continue. She's a chronic pain in the ass. Your job is to manage the affect on you that her outbursts and hatefulness bring about. Don't respond and don't let her scare the crap out of you. She has no power and you did nothing wrong.

Start breathing, deep breaths. Things will be ok. It's just another chronic intrusion by DQ. Sending you love and hopefully comfort.

Hugs, Cattails
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Contact the local Public Guardians office and speak to the guardian. He can advise you if therei s anything you can do to expite the matter. He may need to contact and gather all the info as to cas and such. You can give him contact people in which to gather the info without being involved.
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Lisa: I meant "Your goal was that she NOT overdose, etc.

Lisa: Do you really need Doug to protect you from your mom's phone calls? I can see him taking the lead on Jane, but those phone calls can't hurt you if you don't let them.

Also, I think you are right, she lets it rip when she leaves you a message and you should be keeping every one of those messages. The one benefit to her calling you and leaving a message is that you always get a head's up on what's coming next. Just gives you a heads up. That way you won't get all panicked if a police officer calls you out of the blue and wants to talk about your mom's pill issue. I know you are not laughing, but I guess I am. Calling the DEA on you. For crying out loud, the goofy old broad. Bring it on. More fodder for the funny farm.

One thing you could do is check into a restraining order. They can cover phone calls too. Then when she violates it, you can call the cops on her. There are pros and cons, for example, if you did (for some reason) want to see your mom, I don't know if that would be a violation. You can find out if you want to pursue that avenue.

Keep us posted. Hugs, Cattails
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Ok, I'm breathing. And your right. Doug had already suggested having calls forwarded to him a while back. This is the continuous drama that everyone has been warning she will pull. I'm not doing anything with these phones. I have won the battle to reclaim my life and my happiness. She's gone. I win. I admit, I was in a horrible panicked state earlier. The worse time I heard her like that I was 12. She never let me go anywhere or do anything with friends. Her and her live in went out to party and I went to my best friend tommys birthday party. I thought I would be home before them. She was waiting for me. Cat, she beat me so bad with buckle end of my own belt my gma took me for a week. I swear hearing her like that sounded exactly how she sounded screaming at me I could just imagine the spit spewing from her mouth. For these last 2 years I have thought more about my chilhood than the preceding years because I chose to walk away. I refused to dwell on it. Dea? Bring them on. I'm a grown ass woman. No more. When she can make me flash back like this, to make me shrink in fear like I'm still that beaten child? She's out of my house. That happened because I didn't sit on my ass hoping someone would step up and do it for me. I hit the pavement downtown. I found answers. I can't live like this. I have a field trip tomorrow for the summer program. Come Monday morning I'll hit the pavement again. No more. I'm done. Thank you cat. I can do this. Only thing I need to keep doing is keep my boss updated. Not an option not to because i know it's coming. That woman is done tormenting me!!!
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Dam, I would take up yoga if there wasn't a chance of being the lead story on the six o clock news with video of them carting me out on a stretcher with my feet stuck behind my head. Meditations out too. I'd have to take an alarm. As soon as I started hum mm ing, I'd put my self to sleep. So I guess I'm stuck with long island teas. At least Tylenol will fix the aftermath. ;)))))))
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Lisa: You probably have some PTSD, Rebecca has tried to tell you about that. It's a reaction to your past. Having been beat like that and to live at the hands of someone who is so hateful leaves it scars.

The important thing is that you see it and can also see that you are no longer the child at her mercy. Her threats are empty now. She can't touch you physically, she can only mess with your mind. Make those revolting threats. Screw her. She is no longer the mother who you were forced to depend on.

I would much rather see you get some counselling than volunteer at a nursing home. You need to talk to a professional who understands PTSD, nothing less. You are a survivor and you are a big ass woman. Doesn't mean you don't need a little more help to heal. That's not the same as being protected.

I'm glad you explained what your mom's words and the violence behind them made you feel. At least you know what it is. Get some help to better your response or just to understand it, see it and live with it. You can do this and you may be able to help others who are stricken with these flashbacks. Do it for you first and then share with others.

You are an amazing person. Hold your ground and don't think for a minute that she can hurt you anymore. It's all a mind game now. You can win this.

Hugs, Cattails
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Lisa - I am looking for a counsellor to deal with PTSD - they do exist, as I want to have less buttons. I started having flashbacks last summer after some heavy sessions from mother. I was afraid for my life at one point when I was a teen -that doesn't leave you easily.
Concentrate on you, as the others have said, work on healing from all the garbage you have gone through, and will still be going through to some extent, as it won't end till she does, and sometimes I wonder about then.
It is OK for you admit you have panicked and freaked out - no one thinks any the less of you - we are amazed at how well you bounce back, but, nonetheless, I know it takes a toll on you.
The older I get the more I see how much my life has been affected.
Many ((((((((((((((((((((((((hugs))))))))))))))))))))))) and much love
Joan

L
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Lisa, even if she does call the DEA, how in the world is she going to PROVE you flushed her old scripts?????? And as someone said, I think they are a tad overworked getting serious drugs off the street......
My heart goes out to you about your fears today.... I recently had a run in with a family memeber..... I was a wreck for a few hours... all those old feelings, being unworthy of love, being the scapegoat, ect... I cried like the child that I was back then... so I totally understand... am sending you a sister friend hugs...
And as far as you volunteering in a NH, the positive there is you may come in contact with a really sweet wonderful old lady who needs a friend... I know that S is one of the sweetest men I have ever known in my life... and I know he was put in my life to help me heal behind my own father.... I get to see and experiance a man that is humble, gracious, loving, giving and has a great sense of humor... He has Alz Lisa, in the latter stages, and everything I've been told about him, he was like this before Alz started destroying his brain... so I'm not against you volunteering, it may be very theraputic for you.... I know I have come a long way with S in my life.... something to think about... my heart hurts for you.... but am so proud of how aware you are, and so determined to get your life back... it took many years for this amount of damage to your spirit and soul, it will just take time to heal.... you are still doing awesome,,, this is not a straight road you are on, it has twists and turns and back steps..... but you are on the journey.... and you are right... YOU WIN...... hugs by the bucket full for you.... keep on keepin' on...
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Long day for me. Listen to your pals here. They all nailed it. An alanon or naranon black belt could help too. DQ is exhibiting classic addict behavior. DQ trying to push your buttons is classic abuser mentality-trying to regain POWER & CONTROL. You having flashbacks, classic PTSD symptom. Makes perfect sense: PTSD an anxiety disorder. Anxiety happens when unable to reorder a screwed up situation-to regain a sense of power , control or at minimum , some influence. A fight or flight response would not be unexpected. There are some effective alternative treatments: breathing, haha, a certain way; mindful relaxation techniques, meditation. Please don't let anyone talk you into Xanax tho!! Stand strong, detach a little and gain perspective on how funny and pathetic Dq's antics really. I kno it doesn't feel humorous the moment it happens, but later, it really is kind of funny in a perverse sort of way. We luv u N we're in ur corner.
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Lisa, didn't mean her hurting you in any way is funny. But the thought of the Dea to protect her from you? Really. Doesn't that just beat it all? It's just another version of the hateful look, which, by the way, she can't do literally, so now she resorts to "triangulation". That is I can't clobber her directly, so I'll use others to help me get to her or get her for me. Beth, CAS, RN, Jane ( notice not Doug, the doc) she' escalating to the DEA- men now- in authority even! Honestly, they won't give her a 2nd thought! Breath, step back, laugh. Remember the relief in the drama free weekend, and the lake? You can do this. Luv n hugs!
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Lisa remember you are in our Siserhood of kick ass women. In time you may like to do as I did join a caregivers support group to help those starting in way in the journey of caregiving after hearing your history they will leave thinking how good they have it-I did not want my unasked for experience go down the drain-I had a bad childhood also and it does affect who you become but it looks like both of us became stronger because of it so our Moms did not win.
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WOW....I've gotten WAY behind on the comments and now that I've gotten to the end, I'm having a hard time remembering all that I wanted to add! :)

First of all.....When we move out of our parent's home and take on our own lives, we are NOT responsible for them. I always had a hard time understanding who anyone could EVER make that assumption. Even at the nursing home where my dad is, the people *try* to make us think that we are, but they are just trying to make their *OWN* jobs easier.

Re fleas on dogs: we had a mild winter so the insects didn't die back like they usually do...mosquitoes too.

Re yoga/mediation or ?: You already have dogs. Research has shown that spending quality time with your dog....patting it, talking to it, etc lowers your heart rate and makes folks more calm. THAT is my preferred method of therapy! (I have 7 dogs and our farm is called Smiling Dog Acres!!)

Way back when you took mom to the drugstore and doug stayed with Jane, I don't understand why you took her by yourself.....

Also, if Jane is not getting things done fast enough, and in my opinion, she should have been done a couple weeks ago...AND since she is trying to play family reuniters instead of honoring your wishes, I would consider going over her head to her supervisor and/or a representative of the agency that licenses the facility where MOM is living and share you concerns that tasks are not being done in a timely manner AND you and Doug continue to be called and involved in the daily issues when you have repeatedly and CLEARLY told Jane NOT to do so.

An aside....when you were describing your dogs, you mentioned the concrete lady in Indiana...I'm in IL and would love to know where that is! I know of one over by Waynesville IN, but since you are in KY, I"m betting there is a different one further south. Hope I don't seem disrespectful for asking this in the middle of the thread. Think of it as a commercial break for our story!

Finally, I only know how this works with verizon, but if you get an online account, you are able to block calls to your cell phone. They call be blocked for days or permanantly, or you can go to the website, block the call for a few hours and then go back and remove the block so YOU have control over whether or not your mom or Jane can call you.

Hang in there. It's good to have mom totally off the drugs so folks can see her true state. Unfortuneately, it will likely mena even more drama...but it also might set the stage for commitment....
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what I meant to say above is that I never understood how agencies could assume that children are responsible for their parents. Obviously there are religions connotations and I think that's were most of this junk comes from....people like to believe that everyone gets white picket fences and milk and cookies after school and family movie night.....not at my house. Just because parents get old doesn't mean they magically turn in to ozzie and harriet, and even if they did, it doesn't make up for the damage they've done. We deserve better than constant torture from flashbacks or the ripping open of old wounds.

I can tell I'm a bit wound up after sitting here and reading all this. i'm going for a short walk to calm down. You all stay cool and make sure your pets have plenty of cool clean water on this brutally hot day. Better yet, bring them inside with you and let them help calm you! :)
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As cat, judy, ED and others have said going over head w written documentation would be ok-it's your LIFE we're talkin about here...will Doug touch base w jane cause it's Friday? Maybe he could get her to say EXACTLY what has been done? Has she started paperwork, staffed w clinical team or supervisor? Requested records? Gathered any info? Which info? Then u can put the wammy back on her in the letter to agency ExDir. or state regulatory agency, or both.
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Hey girls, things are progressing. All of her Meds have been transferred to a pharmacy that deals with all Medicare claims. They will be delivered. She has been set up to order her groceries on line. They will be delivered. If she needs to take her public transportation to shop they have volunteers who are there daily and one will be assigned to go with her. At 15.00 an hour, housekeeping will send someone each week to clean the bathroom and any other chore too much for her. This all could have been set up the first week, but she's been uncooperative and pissed off at the world. I'm sorry j, I realized u tried. Now, mom has been given her options. She has recommended a guardian. She of course don't want me, because I'll steal her blind. Snicker snicker snort snort. She's of sound mind? Nobody will ever control her life again? Our field trip was cancelled due to heat, so I've spent the morning with my aunt. I always thought I knew most everything how she was raised. I'm so glad she shared her me memories with me. My grandmother also despised the ground she walked on. After she walked away and made a life, she would get a phone call, and she said when she heard her voice she would just shake. It would take her days to pull out of it. Her thoughts too are that she's been somewhat sedated all these years on the narcotics and when I heard her, it was like the nitemare from my past reached out and grabbed me. She's urging me to let them handle things at her new place. She's now completely self sufficient. She does have to have the meeting to be evaluated if further action should be taken to appoint a guardian. Also the benefits of having a guardian will be explained. My understanding is she can't be forced to agree to it unless they see her showing signs of her decisions harming her. I still am going to look further into this on my own. I've had 3 calls today. No messages. Maybe she's thinking clearly today and realizes the stupidity of those messages. And it's only a matter of time till the nephew is back. All will be forgiven and and he'll wipe out her account again.
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Lisa: This is great news. Really great news. Jane in finally getting the job done and Doug can keep tabs with her.

At this point, I am going to strongly recommend that you have no further contact with your mom. I say this for your own protection. If she wants to leave hateful messages that's fine and you should save them. Just don't answer her calls or be sucked into doing anything with her or for her.

If the nephew returns and she loses money to him. NOT YOUR PROBLEM. If your mom goes through with the legal guardian thing, she will then have a legal representative to whom she will tell all kinds of stories and hateful lies. From this day on, you stay out of the picture completely.

Save and document messages from your mom and document conversations with Jane. That's the total of your involvement.

You have your in-laws and your precious Aunt Rae to love and spend time with, not to mention your immediate family.

Enjoy your life and all the wonderful blessing it brings you.

Love and Hugs, Cattails
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Eldest, the concrete lady has two location. One in jeffersonville, in and one in otisco, in. They have every breed of dog, all types of animals from squirrels to elephants. Just google the name and they give directions and show pictures of their work. Enjoy!
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As I see it if her nephew takes her money again it will be the evidence that she needs a guardian. Proof that her decisions are harming her.
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Wow! I came on here looking for help and looking for answers and stumbled on this thread. As I started reading, I couldn't stop...guess it's a bit of morbid curiosity, but I HAD to know what happened next...lol..., so I read (to this point) all 805 posts :) I have enjoyed reading how all of y'all pulled together to stand behind someone. And not just anyone....someone that you have never met, that probably lives miles away from you. It was awesome to read the advice and the times of lull, y'all would wonder and look for someone.

I just wanted to commend you all, as someone who just spent the whole day reading this :) for how you all did it and pulled together (guess I'm starting to sound redundant) and stood by each other in this thread.
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Lgm, welcome. My life has changed since jointing ac. So go to your thread and ask your question, tell your story. Because you came to the right place. You will immediately be surrounded by wonderful people to help you. So much experience and wisdom here. Good luck!
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Lgm, when you add your own thread, would you please come back to *this* one and let us know that you've started one? Then we can come and take a look at yours, too. Your head must be reeling! I got behind by about 30 messages, and when I finished reading them yesterday I was in need of a walk! LISA....the fact that LGM stayed on and read the whole thing yesterday SCREAMS of the natural engagement that this story has and she even lights on another appeal to the story....that each one of us are sitting in our own home....MILES away from you and each other, and yet we spend the time and energy to help each other. THAT in itself, is a compelling story. I'm gonna say it again...screenplay...! I'm already beginning to envision the opening scene! :)

Thanks for the info on Concrete Lady...I can't wait to have time to look at all the statues! You all take care and stay cool! xo
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Lisa, see u changed ur screen name-I like it!! And even more so that the past tense marks the point at which u feel u have turned a corner? Is it 2 years or too-also like aunt Rae and or so many others here? We are really proud of you! You keep kickin butt!! And thank you for reaching out for help and bringing us
together. Book and screenplay for sure! Seriously. Luv u all
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Oops, meant to also welcome lgm-thanks for reading the entire post! We know that took quite a while! We started out strangers but really have gotten to know each other. It's a sisterhood like few others. Glad you found us!
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