Two years this July my mother has been living with me. She is a mean and hateful woman and I just can't do it anymore.

(((((((((((((((((((((lisa)))))))))))))))))))) it doesn't take much to trigger the stress, does it? Too many buttons from the past. Jane needs to be thoroughly tuned in. She isn't accepting what she has been told. I thought she was supposed to be calling Doug, though I know he has his own things to deal with now with ur pils. Glad ur bp came down, but a spike like that is not good. Maybe jane needs to know what effect her phone call had on you, what your doc has said, and better understand why she must not try to drag you back into that mess. Maybe a word, or an email, or letter to her supervisor.
bw - mammos don't have to be that painful. A sadist in the local hospital cranked the pressure up on me once, and I told my doctor I would not have another one there. He sent me out of town to a clinic that specializes in mammos and I had to ask the tech if she had done it - no pain. Eventually I went back to another tech locally and she looked at my file and said they had cranked it up to 20, and 10 was all that was necessary. I hardly felt it. Might be worth checking out.
Thinking of you today, cat and all that is on your mind, Tough for you right now, I know, and telling dad is not going to be easy. (((((((((((((((((((hugs))))))))))))))))
judy,hope you are out of your blue funk,
kim you are a sweetheart
love and hugs to all

Could we send Jane to Remedial Social Work 101? I'm sure enough of us would chip in and the facility wouldn't even have to pay for it.

What is her problem??!

Lisa I think you will be our go to lady with relationship problems-maybe you could work for a newspaper or a blog and get paid big bucks. WTF is wrong with that Jane does she not get it-your Mom can not have it both ways be mean to you and then expect you to fix her problems-Hugs from me also.

Lisa, one would think that with all that Jane knows, that she would have thought twice about calling you. Didn't Doug tell her she was not to call you again and she was speaking only to him. I'm not sure who this lady is talking with regarding a guardianship. Here in Ca one of the issues that usually gets a guadianship is the
failure to cooperate, Maybe Doug should contact the local office of PA or Concervator himself. Doesn't sound like she (Jane) is working very hard on it.
I Love it "NOT MY PROBLEM"

I don't know girls, I guess I dropped the ball myself. I've pretty much have been relishing the peace myself and the family are having with not having to deal with any of her crap. I just answered the phone. It was hospital with follow up call to see how she is doing. She's never even gave them her new #. so I took care of that while I had them on the phone. I asked her why the visit on the 2nd and she said she was complaining of back pain. Heeheehee. She's gonna keep going till she gets those pain pills back. NOT MY PROBLEM!

shaking loose of the DQ is an work in progress, Lisa. You have made a lot of progress in the past few months. Just keep going! There are going to be a few loose ends to tidy up. (((((((hugs)))))))

Oh, my. You called this one again, Lisa. It was too dang quiet and now you know why. I wonder if you can block Jane's number from your cell phone. Doug made it perfectly clear the last time, that he was the one to be called, yet she calls you. Glad you sailed through your cdl physical with no problems aside from the stress induced high BP (your comment about driving little angels and future convicts cracked me up). Glad the BP came down. I just read on the Livestrong website that a good BP when you're RUNNING is 200/80! That's what you had just from talking to Jane! Holy crap! That woman is as thick as mud, and I agree with Jean - Jane needs a little social worker 101. And maybe hearing aids. And a few more brain cells. And a swift kick in the ass.

Doug called and apparently she did try to reach him first, but he was in a meeting. We are wondering if mom has shown her ass and J maybe is a little bit intimidated by her. Sure hope not, because she's stuck with her. It's definitely her nature to Cut someone to the quick with her mouth. I spent some time this morning calling her drs and updating her files with her new number and address. I do believe the times coming when our involvement will be unavoidable to get some guardianship established thru the cty. Right now I'm enjoying my summer, catching up spending time with the family and being there for PIL. Tomorrow I take fil for his second treatment. Poor thing is so dreading it. Jen told him suck it up papaw, we're not ready to lose you. CAT!!!!- thinking of you today. Hope things go smoothly with dad. Love to everyone! Lisa

Lisa: Good luck with FIL tomorrow. Bless his heart. Good for Jen telling him to suck it up, we're not ready to lose you. Maybe that being said by his Grandchild will reinforce how much he is loved and supported.

With regards to the continuing saga of "How the world turns around mother", at least you are not getting hammered everyday and the breaks are getting longer. My hope it the intervals of no contact will get longer and longer.

The one benefit to talking to hospital staff would be to get a doctor's take on her mental status. If the doc feels that she needs an advocate, it would certainly help you and Doug in the process of assigning a guardian for her. Just a thought.

Take care everyone. Love you all, Cattails

We are kinda holding our breath these next two days. Oldest sister who died two years ago? Today would have been her 55th birthday. Tomorrow the 17th? She will be dead two years tomorrow. Then Wednesday the 18th? Will have been the sister who took her life's 53rd birthday. The 19th? The day sister was cremated, which she had flown into a rage because the kids chose cremation. So we have sat down and discussed this evening the potential wrath of mom. I know she's sitting in that apt hating me and hating the fact I'm the one still breathing. We know she is more than likely working herself into a fit of rage towards me. Notice I keep using the word rage. That's exactly what it is. So if she loses it, at least I'm not looking her in the eye. That will make it better this time around. Then again, who knows. Hopefully they sent her home with the pain Meds and she'll be medicated. So guess the next few days will tell. buwhahahahahaha.

So Lisa, once again-all about the drugs for mom. Can u hold tight to not my problem? Don't want u to need drugs from the insanity. I'd take docs advice seriously- u deserve to be the last one standing! That's a serious spike...
Cat-worrying about u too, will be praying for u tomorrow as u talk w ur dad. I support u in realizing when u r at ur limit--u too have to take care of ur self, as we all do. I'm glad we can help each other focus on that...Lisa, who knew this amazingness is what u were starting way back when...thank you again! Joan, thanks for the nice compliment. Night all

hmmm, a full blown rage against you sounds like an opportunity to make a police report.....may help in getting her moved out and into a nursing home? Praying for you and your family

One child, mom is out of my home. This has been a very long thread.

Hi girls. Home from chemo with fil. Longer day today. They had to test his blood first . His platelets? If they were low chemo would be rescheduled. His were fine. It was administered quicker this time. Chills came and felt like his feet were burning? Could tell it was a little harder on him this time, but he did great! I took a picture of him eating his lunch and sent it to everyone with the caption "nothing wrong with his appetite" since the others aren't able to be with him, I thought sending pics would somehow keep them connected. Sent one of him waving to everyone too. I did need to help him get his shoes on. But hell, 84 in September, and that's all he needed help with. How awesome is that. He's home sleeping now. Hope everyone's day has been as positive as mine. You doing ok cat? Lisa

Lisa, I'm doing ok. I took my dad a double cheeseburger from McDonald's today. Called ahead and the staff set up a private table for us in a private family room so we could have lunch together. They were just so helpful and happy to do this.

He loved his burger (ate all of it), had a couple of glasses of thickened orange juice with it and munched some fries too. He didn't really respond to me much while we were eating. So I started to explain that Warren was having some health problems and that seem to really get his attention and concern. I explained the details and also that my BP was getting high and that I really need to get out of the house more to exercise and take care of myself.

He was real concerned and I told him that because of these things we needed him to live at this facility so we could deal with the health issues we are facing. He seemed to understand that and wanted me to tell him how old Warren was so I reminded him my hubby was 64 and I was 63. He thought about that for a moment. I asked him if he was unhappy there. He said, "Oh sometimes." I asked him if he was upset with me. He seemed surprised at that question and said 'No".

I told him I was sorry I couldn't take care of him at home, but reminded him that Nick (my son) was there to look out for him and that Karen, Christy and Julie (nurses) all loved him and wanted to make him happy. Anyway, told him how much I loved him and he said, "I love to you, sweetheart."

After our conversation and lunch was over, I took him back to the nurses station and he wanted to sit there for a while. On the way back, Christie was walking by us and I told her what my dad had eaten (she needs to chart it) and she was so happy he loved his burger. He was just all smiles and she gave him a big hug. He looked like he was happier and grateful for the conversation we had.

I promised my dad that I'd be in all the time to see him and would bring him special lunches, etc. I reminded him that my Granddaughter, Amanda, was getting married in August and we would be going to the wedding. He just beamed, smiled at me and asked how old she was now.

So that was my day with dad. He was good bout everything and I do believe concerned about us. I think he just needed me to be truthful with him. That's my take on it.

For me this is a big hump to get over. I may have to restate it again, but at least it's out there now and for this day he understands.

Lisa: So glad the chemo got done today and I think taking pics and sending them to family is an awesome idea.

Love to everyone, Cattails

Lisa, so glad fil did well; I'm impressed-just shoes?-better than I'd do :0. Loved the pix idea. Did mil come with you today? Cat, so glad you and dad talked and he handled things well, he sounds as sweet as Doug's dad. Hope you're feeling better now and finding some moments to rest and look out the window! Everybody else-hope things are going well and you had a good day. Hugs, love and prayers to all of you, kimbee

Yes kimbee, mil came today. I love her so much, but it would be so much simpler if she could stay home. But I know she's loving getting out of the house. I bought them both breakfast at hospital. We eat ours while fil being prepped in room. Then after we eat we take him his. So at lunch she insisted on paying. It came to 16.30. She gave her three 5's and handed her the fourth. Kim, that last five was a fifty. So I watched and I'll be damned if the cashier LOOKED at it and put it in her drawer. So I walked back over and quietly told her young woman we have a problem. You will open that drawer and give her back that fifty. Then you'll call your supervisor to this register. She didn't need to. Supervisor was on next register and heard me. Young lady didn't even try to say she didn't realize. She knew she was dam well busted. Girls, this is the VA hospital. I've watched men have those cashiers get their money out of wallets and money clips for them. I hate to see anyone lose their job, but those men and women should be protected. Mil was so upset she gave a 50.00. To steal from someone who can't protect themselves is the lowest.

when I first moved to where I live now, I shopped at yard sales to pick up things for my home. I found a $1.00 vase and I know i must have payed with a $100 dollar bill. when i realized, I went back and asked. Of couse they all said no, It has been 11 years and I know it was true I cherich that vase as if it were a family heirloom!!!!!

Headed to bed, but Lisa, that's just terrible. I think I'd go above her supervisor, that's the kind of thing they'd try to keep inside their department right there. I'd send a quick note to the VA facility/operations director advising what you observed, and how it was handled. Food service likely a contractor; if they don't get the complaints, they won't know to not renew a contracted service. That aside, I'm glad you got her money back, and that U saw her have trouble with money-put the incident in you documentation for later discussion of need for better evaluation. Money is a common early problem, and too, it could have been the stress of fil illness, or unrelated error, but if u get all the things down, you can review your list to pick out the most important concerns and patterns. I can relate about how it'd be simpler, but she needs to be there, and you need to be able to observe her functioning some. My mom goes about 1/100 of an inch per minute and has to observe and obsess on every minutia between starting and end point of each segment of whatever we are doing...especially if we need to hurry! Glad that you can help your pil's. Luv and hugs to the whole family, kim

((((((((lisa and cattails)))))))
so glad and relieved that your days went well. Lisa - good for you for catching the $50 error, Kim has a good point.
cat - what a load that must be off your shoulders,.You dad does sound like a sweetie -my dad was like that. My last visit to him was a gift. Even though he was not fully himself, (vascuolar dementia) he was courteous and concerned that I had a chair to sit down on. He knew he was dying, and before would always say when I left - say see you later, or till the next time, This time he said "Good bye". He was so at peace, despite his physical condition. Bless their hearts!

praying for all to go well - tests, chemo etc
Much love and hugs Joan

Lisa, That cashier sickens me. I remember going to a garage sale one day, years ago, and they had this stem ware on a table. I looked at a glass and saw it was Fostoria. I told the seller, "Do you realize this stem ware is worth about $20.00 or more per glass.?" Her face turned white and they quickly took it off the sale table.

One time I had a garage sale and there were some old books I put out on a table. A very nice lady came over to me and said, "Do you realize that several of those old books are first editions?"

There is nothing better than the unexpected kindness of strangers and nothing worse than seeing someone steal from old folks. At least we can do our best to be on the good side of things.

Thanks for the responses. Love, Cattails

Good morning everyone! J called. Didn't answer, so she left a message that mom was taken out by ems again complaining of back pain. I'm seriously considering going to that hospital and demand they do a psychiatric evaluation on her. She's going to do this until that dr finds her another dr to supply her some pain pills. I am so tired of this. What do you think girls? I don't understand why this is so embarrassing for me but it is. I just cringe thinking about going to that same emergency room where those people know her, and now me because I'm the sorry bitch that threw her own mother out of her home. Dougs in a meeting so I've left a message.

Wait for Doug to get back to you. Honestly you don't need to put yourself through that again. They have her records at the hospital, that is unless she goes to a different hospital. If it is an emerg that (the hospital) will make contact with you.
Just my opinion. Remember "NOT MY PROBLEM!"

Not my problem ... not my problem ... not my problem ... not my problem

She is not the first pain-pill drug addict the ER has dealt with. Nothing you can do about it.

Not my problem ... not my problem ... not my problem ...

If your participation would make things better for your mother I'd have twinge of conscience telling you to stay out of it. Your participation won't fix her and it will hurt you.

Not my problem ... not my problem ... not my problem

My opinion - stay out of it. Let the hospital figure her out. And, really, in the long run, who cares if she's addicted to pain pills? I don't mean that to sound callous, but if she's not hurting you with it, do you really care if she's hurting herself with it? You can't change it. The hospital will eventually catch on, don't you think? And, if you keep inserting yourself into her dramas, you'll always be part of her dramas, and you don't need to be pulled into that quagmire of hurt. Just my two cents.

agreed, stay out of it. I think they will figure it out eventually, and if not, it is still their problem, not yours. All the more reason for a guardian to be appointed.

Lisa: Don't go!!!! You don't need the stress of dealing with the hospital staff or your mom.

I believe you are thinking about guardianship with regard to the psychiatric evaluation and that such an evaluation might fast track getting one appointed. If so, maybe Doug could call the hospital and talk to the social worker or attending physician there and make the suggestion.

On the other hand, Jeanne is right on. Your mom is on her journey in life and what will happen will happen. It's not your problem.

Sending you love. Keep us posted. Cat

Ok, so j called Doug. She told him she was not calling us in an attempt to get us to go to the hospital. She is obligated to call next of kin. She told Doug they lost electric in their building for approx 15 minutes during a storm Tuesday and she's claiming she hurt her back carrying oxygen (portable) to her room. Doug told her she's lying and about the ongoing pain pill drama. He had secretary hold his calls and spoke with her at length. Doug feels the more he talks to her she is getting a better understanding cause to tell her everything would take hours. He also told her we think in the near future choice of appointing a guardian will not be her option and when she feels the time is right she will have our full support. So Beth and I are going on with our day. Having my niece and nephew over for steak dinner tonight. Yesterday was their moms birthday. Lord, I so wish I could help these kids get past their guilt of not picking up the phone the night she took her life. Thanks girls. Not my problem! Love ya, lisa

It's very hard to get someone in a nursing home unless they get seriously ill or need surgery in a regular hospital and have to go in for rehab or skilled nursing care and medicare pays for a while 100% then you have to apply for medicaid to pay part of the rest and give up her income to them also. You need to be medical power of attorney to do all this though.

As it is now, sounds like she's addicted to painkillers and maybe a manic depressive since she wastes money buying things on TV. There are rehab places for addicts and medicine for manic depressive people BUT IF THEY CAN ANSWER a few questions about their age, address, etc. - they CAN SAY NO TO THAT.

Lots of catch 22's in caring for elderly who seem to despise you and makes you despise them. She does appear to be in her right mind though. Perhaps you could find a cheap apartment (HUD would help for people who are poor) - take her there with her stuff and walk out and never look back until she is ready for nursing home and is confused enough to sign for you to be her power of attorney and medical power of attorney.

You can't just put her on the street with her clothes for it could be you would be charged with elderly abuse if you are the closest living relative to her. Kinda stuck aren't you. I had some problems similar. My mom was always a nag though she did her duty as mother, wife, housekeeper, defending her children, etc. - she rarely smiled or touched any of us in a loving way. When she got dementia, she even got more naggy and critical and hateful so of course it made me feel hateful toward her. FINALLY, finally she was into a stage of dementia that qualified her for a nursing home. Of course years ago, she signed for me to me her powers of attorney, executor of will - the works - and
she was happy at the time to know I'd be taking care of her interest in later years. I worked 37 years but after Dad died when I was 30 years old, I always took her to doctor appts - hair appts - helped get assistance with her meds when it was causing her to go broke - the works and she did appreciate that at THE TIME - now it's "I am robbing her: I want to put her away to get her home, blah blah - her home is 200 years old and falling down around her ears and
she has no money anyplace and now the nursing home gets what she does bring in (SS and Black Lung on my father who in the day made VERY LITTLE MONEY and of course her income is low) I started more than once to turn my poa over to the state or just to walk out of her home and not look back (yes I have a nice home but spent most of a year with her every single night - with her keeing me awake and bitching and asking questions- I did have some sympathy for her when I knew it was THE DEMENTIA doing the talking but I still resented her though I love her and miss her now - I can't go to nursing home as she'd embarress me about "stealing her stuff" and wanting to go home - (to her Mommy's really - not her house she lived in for over 60 years) So I'm doing whats easier on her and me and my son - I'm not going to visit til staff states she has accepted the nursing home as her HOME. People can judge all they want - I don't care. Good luck to you.

Docketer, maybe when you have time, read the thread. She no longer lives with me. Sigh