My mother moved in with me when my oldest sister dies who lived with her. My brother died when I was 9. My mother and 2 sisters have been addicted to pain meds for years. One sister comitted suicide and the other who lived with mom died when her colon died. Her body couldnt even process the pain meds anymore. Years ago I made the decision to walk away and would only hear from mom when the oldest sister drained her accounts . When she died my moms accountwas charged 983 dollars in overdraft charges alone. So my only option was to move her in. She was in the hole over 2000.00. My husband and I discussed it. We felt this may be a chance to form a friendship if nothing else.
It has been a battle since after the first 3 months. When she accused my daughters fiance of stealing her pain pills I took control of them. She is forced to go to a pain management dr to get her pain meds every 3 months. She goes in my room searching for them while we work. She accuses me of stealing her money. There is nothing wrong with my moms mind. Just this month alone she has spent 732.00 at qvc. She has spent 1000's with qvc since shes been here. Mom has copd and has oxegen in her room. In comes the worst of the argument. She smokes a pack a day in her bedroom and often dosent turn the oxegen off. Im terrified she will cause an explosion and kill us with her. When I take the cigs it turns into a horrible argument. My mother has treated her grandchildren so horribly none have been to my home for 2 years. She has a sister who will not even answer her phone when she calls. She asked a cousin if she could move in and was told no. So she informed me that I would have to have a judge remove her from my home. I accepted years ago that my mom had no use for me. At 10 years old she informed me that she couldnt believe god took johnny instead of me. I heard that for years. I would cry untill I matured and realized she was the one messed up not me.
Now I am 50 years old and taking the verbal abuse again. I hear about how fat I am and dumpy I am. I buy a new outfit and get told I look rediculous. I need some help trying to figure out how to get her out of here. I had to give her the pain meds back last week because she threatened to quit taking her other medicines and she would accuse me of keeping them from her. This is just the tip of the iceberg. Ive been happily married for 28 years to a wonderful man and have 2 beautiful daughters. We own our own home. She has her own room with a bath and never has anyone in my family not made her feel this wasnt her home too. We fix her plate every night, take her to dr. Appts, wash her clothes, and still she treats us this way. Anyone who can please guide me in the right direction I would be so grateful. I am so stressed. I cant sleep, ive gained 40 pounds and im tired everyday.
Have a blessed day
♥
Hugs and Love to all, Cattails
So you had a lovely dinner with family and today is a new day; a great day and you are feeling so good. I am so happy for you.
Do you think she tipped the cab driver?
Cat
Please be patient with people who wish to try to give support for your story. They probably don't have the time to read the whole post, especially if they have their own caregiver problems. Even the smallest kindness can help them through their day.
I am glad your FIL is doing well with the chemo. I know you research things, but maybe you could ask the people at therapy what her can do ahead of time to make it easier physically for him to handle the chemo. Can he take anythng for nausea before leaving the house? Is it better if he eats certain foods the night/morning before therapy? Something OTC he can take? etc. And for you MIL, maybe it would be better if she only had smaller bills in her wallet for now. Better to "loose" another $5.00 than another $50.00.
Hope all you ladies have a quiet, healthy day. ((((((((hugs)))))))) all around! :0)
One of the hardest things for to get past is the feelings of guilt...even when *we* have done nothing to create the conflicted situation. There are days when we're am great holding up for ourselves, sturdying our boundaries against chaos, taking time to do things for ourselves and loved ones...but then something is said or maybe just a thought crosses our minds and the positive strides we've made take a hit from our psyche and we are zapped back in time to start the battle for our sanity again.
I don't know if anyone on the thread has suggestions for methods or exercises to deal with turning down (or even silencing) the voice in our heads that allows our good energy to be diverted, but if so, I think it might be useful. In a few of the most recent posts, Lisa, you've said things that show a discomfort about being identified as the gal who threw her mother out (hospital staff) or the "bitch" that wouldn't take that woman home. Also, in reference to the anniversaries of your sister's birthdays and passing, I sensed a great undertone of guilt and sorrow-just remembering with such detail all those dates suggests you are likely re-living those terrible events and emotionally draining yourself with some measure of guilt. Finally, when you said you wished you could help your sister's children stop feeling guilty because they didn't answer the phone....those are wishes of kindness and compassion....but what I'm thinking is that *you* might still be feeling a great deal of guilt for the same situation, and you can't help the kids past their guilt until you are able to work through your own. Maybe you can do it together...?
Maybe I'm off base here or being influenced by my own stuff...but it seems that just taking the steps to put up the barriers and muster the strength to stand up for ourselves does not get us all the way to the finish line. There is the part of learning to disassemble our guilt...rationally, deliberately, and with compassion and care...and replacing it, piece by piece, with statements of love, compassion, and truth. Those replaced facts can then empower us to continue forward with our new plan of interaction with our loved one, rather than letting that uestioning voice derail everything we've worked for (or even worse, keep us in constant turmoil because we go back and forth). I think that saying "Not my problem" might be a great place to start on this journey. When I say "Not my problem," the words allow me to disengages\ me from whatever is happening at the moment, but later, my thoughts go back to that moment and I begin an internal argument on whether I was right, out of line, selfish, confused, frustrated, etc etc. I have a hard time being knocked back in time to where the conflicts live, and then steering through all the history to get back to my own decisions of empowerment that exist now. Well, who *wouldn't* be exhausted if a such a trip through that whole series of events takes place every time we question ourselves due to guilt?
Better to really take it apart and reassemble it in a way that will help us rather than hinder us. And when we get through to the other side...write ourselves a mantra (which can still be *not my problem* but with MORE this time), or a brief letter or paragraph or something that will reassure us that we are doing has been thought out logically, taking emotions into account but not allowing them to sabotage us. Using those words as a touchstone, that is--not allowing ourselves to dig back in time past what is written in the words, can prevent us from having to go dig in the muck every single time to get to the truth. Maybe something deeper, with *more* tangible meaning...something that we can recite to ourselves or go and read from a journal when we need to remember why we worked so hard to save our sanity in the first place.
Maybe it will be a top 10 list of all the things that the person has willfully done to sever your relationship. Or maybe it will be a clear definition of your boundaries-the summation of what you *are* willing to offer to the relationship in order to *preserve* the relationship, without sacrificing yourself. Then, when you are in a new conflict, you can take the issue at hand, run it through the boundary checklist to get a more rational handle on how to respond. You just read the list or letter or whatever you have offered yourself for emotional guidance, and determine quickly and clearly (without having to spin for hours or days) what the truth of the relationship is and the choice you have made for your sanity. You can get re-empowered, dust yourself off, and go back to your life without having to drag your heart through another trail of broken glass and barbed wire.
I just had a thought...condensing the history of this relationship and it's heartaches and conflicts into a brief document or journal entry reminds me of how I made it through "reading" all those classics that my high school English teachers forced upon us. I would rather be outside having fun, so I took a different tact. Kick Ass Girls, I invite you to experiment with the therapy of writing "Cliff Notes to Sanity" (I'd better copyright this, huh?) to see if, when crisis occurs, you can refer to the cliff notes to get your direction back without having to navigate every twist and turn from day one over and over again. The Cliff Notes to Sanity becomes a touch stone and you don't have to go back any earlier than the moment it was written. Thoughts?
Not sure if I am making much sense, the day are winding down to 10 years since I last saw my youngest son alive, and it seems a bit surreal.
So glad the house hunt is being productive for Jen and Chris. You will get smarter as they get older, lisa ;)
kim - thanks for prayers - working through a pile of emotions right now, hopefully with at least some success.
cat - you can mow my lawn anytime
love and hugs to everyone
Yay, Jen and Chris have a house!!!!
Toes and fingers crossed
love to all
Joan
There is room here for you to share your personal experience. I've got glimpses of you on another thread and I know you have suffered doing your best to help your mom (I believe it was your mom) and you couldn't do all you wanted due to a rigid system that caused more suffering than relief. This is coming from memory, so I hope I've got it right. I just remember your anger and I equate that to anguish. So I think the things you were talking about were steps you took to help you cope.
We are a compassionate group here. I wish you would come back and tell us your story. We would all be interested and we would all care. Hugs, Cattails
Eldest: Would you adjust your profile so we can post on your wall. I'd appreciate being able to send you a personal post.
Hugs everyone, Cattails
Next: the phone has rang off the hook this morning. Just listening to messages. She's back at the emergency room. Weekend social worker called. This time she's claimed rectal bleeding. Do I believe it? Not for a minute. But could it be? Absolutely. The sis who died 2 years ago who's colon died was rushed in for exact same thing. She bled profusly. Very common with the pain med abuse. So I'm just going to wait for the calls and listen to the messages. Doug went on to PIL to do the yard work and garden. I'm going to fry my chicken wings and make honey barbecue wings. The colonel has nothing on me. While at PIL last night I mentioned them and mil said that sounds so good. So I'll take them some and probably get fussed at again. Heeheehee. Love to all! Lisa