Two years this July my mother has been living with me. She is a mean and hateful woman and I just can't do it anymore.

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Two years this July my mother has been living with me. She is a mean and hateful woman and I just can't do it anymore.

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My mother moved in with me when my oldest sister dies who lived with her. My brother died when I was 9. My mother and 2 sisters have been addicted to pain meds for years. One sister comitted suicide and the other who lived with mom died when her colon died. Her body couldnt even process the pain meds anymore. Years ago I made the decision to walk away and would only hear from mom when the oldest sister drained her accounts . When she died my moms accountwas charged 983 dollars in overdraft charges alone. So my only option was to move her in. She was in the hole over 2000.00. My husband and I discussed it. We felt this may be a chance to form a friendship if nothing else.

It has been a battle since after the first 3 months. When she accused my daughters fiance of stealing her pain pills I took control of them. She is forced to go to a pain management dr to get her pain meds every 3 months. She goes in my room searching for them while we work. She accuses me of stealing her money. There is nothing wrong with my moms mind. Just this month alone she has spent 732.00 at qvc. She has spent 1000's with qvc since shes been here. Mom has copd and has oxegen in her room. In comes the worst of the argument. She smokes a pack a day in her bedroom and often dosent turn the oxegen off. Im terrified she will cause an explosion and kill us with her. When I take the cigs it turns into a horrible argument. My mother has treated her grandchildren so horribly none have been to my home for 2 years. She has a sister who will not even answer her phone when she calls. She asked a cousin if she could move in and was told no. So she informed me that I would have to have a judge remove her from my home. I accepted years ago that my mom had no use for me. At 10 years old she informed me that she couldnt believe god took johnny instead of me. I heard that for years. I would cry untill I matured and realized she was the one messed up not me.

Now I am 50 years old and taking the verbal abuse again. I hear about how fat I am and dumpy I am. I buy a new outfit and get told I look rediculous. I need some help trying to figure out how to get her out of here. I had to give her the pain meds back last week because she threatened to quit taking her other medicines and she would accuse me of keeping them from her. This is just the tip of the iceberg. Ive been happily married for 28 years to a wonderful man and have 2 beautiful daughters. We own our own home. She has her own room with a bath and never has anyone in my family not made her feel this wasnt her home too. We fix her plate every night, take her to dr. Appts, wash her clothes, and still she treats us this way. Anyone who can please guide me in the right direction I would be so grateful. I am so stressed. I cant sleep, ive gained 40 pounds and im tired everyday.

Have a blessed day

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A anonymous95109 Jul 2012 · Answer 1 · 2012-07-22T14:06:06.000-0400

Lisa: Wow, your mom is back in the ER. Amazing. You sure were right about being braced for the dates. We'll see if it's real this time or another ploy. Keep us posted.

Your MIL will love her new glasses. Her comment about your new haircut was too funny. You are a good DIL and I'm excited that MIL will be getting out to get her hair cut.

I'm keeping my fingers and toes crossed for Jen that the house purchase goes well.

Hugs to everyone, Cattails

K Kimbee Jul 2012 · Answer 2 · 2012-07-22T14:44:24.000-0400

Thangs for the update on pil, was wondering how they're doing. Doug's haircut concern made me laugh-Good luck! Hate ur giving up a cut u liked tho. In such matters, i always find jen-aged opinions more relevant than, say, some other age groups! Compliments to u on the creative problem solving! New glasses needed, huh-imagine that! One more chance to recognize AND remember that nurse at chemo. Did ur FIL do ok since his last tx? DQM: Rectal bleeding would seem an odd complaint for drug seeking-the last place I'd pick for further eval hahaha! Have a good afternoon kick ass women! Luv & hugs, kimbee

S Survived2 Jul 2012 · Answer 3 · 2012-07-22T16:30:23.000-0400

Kimbee, PIL downstairs tv has gone out, so Doug and I went back over to pick them up to go buy another. Fil just couldn't muster the energy to go. Tuesdays treatment has sapped his energy really bad. We knew this was possible, but he is doing so well. Hasn't had much of an appetite over the weekend. So I guess I need to talk with drs tueday and see if we can maybe bring some ensure into his diet? I've always heard food is energy, so I don't want the lack of appetite to bring him down any further. He said he's tasted the ensure and don't like it. But the man does love his ice cream. So I'm thinking it time for me to let him have a taste of it in a shake that I could make with his sugar free ice cream. But I need to clear that with his dr I guess. Thanks for asking about him.

G golden23 Jul 2012 · Answer 4 · 2012-07-22T16:30:33.000-0400

good strategies - hey mil can't see, so how does she know what your hair looks like? hair grows back anyway
sure the hospital will check DQ out for the rectal bleeding - interesting that your sis had the same happen. Could the DQ be gettng pain meds from any other source? but then NOT YOUR PROBLEM!!!
do keep us updated about DQ, how fil is doing, and the house drama (groan) hope jen and chris are successful in getting it
have a great day
wonde

G golden23 Jul 2012 · Answer 5 · 2012-07-22T17:02:17.000-0400

lisa - your food ideas with fil sound good. I believe that he does need to keep well nourished, especially when he is going through chemo. I have an ice cream maker than I use for making dairy free ice cream (dairy allergy) - I use almond or other nut milks, coconut milk or cream, and I make it sugar free too. There are lots of variations. You can even make banana peanut butter ice cream in a food processor using frozen bananas. Good to check with his doc first. ♥

S Survived2 Jul 2012 · Answer 6 · 2012-07-22T17:10:07.000-0400

Girls, the hospital just called. For the first time in 13 years she's where she needs to be. Enough bleeding from the rectum that she needs blood. The dr got on the phone and said she's crying and said her daughter died this way. I gave them sisters name and ss# that they can look up her condition when she died. I asked her if they ever put on her chart mom Is addicted to pain Meds. Nope. So I'm sitting here for a few minutes and try to push myself out the door to give them her history and the abuse of Meds. Maybe that will help them to narrow down what is happening. They have a job to do, and I'm the one with the knowledge. Doug is going with me. I told my aunt to stay put, and I would call and let her know if we are about to go thru the same thing as my sister. I may go in and see her. One nasty look or word and I can walk back out. So I shall be back later. Lisa

A anonymous95109 Jul 2012 · Answer 7 · 2012-07-22T19:03:34.000-0400

Thanks for the update Lisa. I wondered about her complaint this time because, like Kimbee said, it wasn't the kind of complaint that would require pain meds. It's fair and right that you give them her medical history. It will help them do their job and give them a better understanding of what she needs long term. It could be that a nursing home and guardian is in her future sooner rather than later. Glad Doug is going with you. That's a necessity.

Well, as retched as she is, I can't help feel a bit sorry for her. She has led her life and made her choices. She has isolated herself from any good that came her way and taken every opportunity to bring misery to those around her.

Sending you blessings and love, Lisa. Cattails

G golden23 Jul 2012 · Answer 8 · 2012-07-22T22:09:33.000-0400

((((((Lisa)))))) - this must be a bit weird for you considering you went through it with your sister. It seems strange that the info about the addiction to pain meds is not on the chart - it is relevant! Eventually things are catching up with her.
Glad Doug is going with you.
Thinking of you -let us know what happens
Joan

S Survived2 Jul 2012 · Answer 9 · 2012-07-22T22:50:22.000-0400

Hi everyone. We got back from hospital 30 minutes ago. First let me say, this woman has cried wolf so many freaking times I'm having a time wrapping my head around this. The dr took us in a room when we arrived after getting permission from mom to speak to us. They did ultra sounds and scans and it seems there is no blood running thru her colon. She wanted to stress to us the seriousness of it. She told Doug and I by no means is this condition her area of expertise but she thinks the whole colon will need to be removed. She told us she has tried to explain to mom how serious it actually is. Her vitals are holding well so she will be put in a room on a floor to be monitored. They did not believe she is paying attention to what they are telling her, so with her and nurse present as support would I speak with her. I must have had a look oh horror on my face. Doug later said he dam near snorted he was working so hard not to laugh. I began by saying you need to understand about our relationship...she cut me off. Took my hand and said we know. There is no judgement in this room and we will be with you. I'm think crap, why didn't I belt a couple strong ones back before I came here. So ok let's do this. We walked into room and I stopped so quick dougs nose hit back of my head. (please don't think bad of me that I add the humerous parts) she looked so bad. She was sleeping. I had to take some time to process my feelings. they gave me that time. I just stood there looking at her. Pity. That's it. I tried to muster up some kind of emotion. Some tiny spark that I could really love her. Just pity. (Dr had left and told Doug to come get her when I was ready) I took that time and just stared at her. The chance to really look at her. I'm angry. I am so angry! She robbed me of a loving mother. She robbed me of a happy childhood. She robbed my children of a loving grandmother. So I sent Doug to get them. I began by waking her and said mom we have to talk. She said what could we possibly have to talk about? I said we need to talk about why your here. So you need to just listen. I need you to understand how serious your condition is. So I went on to tell her she may have to have surgery in the morning. You have no blood flowing thru any part of your colon. These drs here in the er believe your colon has died. No one has mentioned surgery to me. I looked over at dr and she was shaking her head yes, they had. I told her they have called the specialist here, and they have spoke to your lung dr. So everyone is coming together on this to proceed with what is required to get you thru this. She looked over at dr and asked do u believe I am of sound mind. Dr said yes mam. She looked back at me and said there will be no surgery. If this is what's happening so be it. But there will be no surgery. I then asked her if she would sign a living will. Nope. I'm clueless. Can she even do that? Will they look to me for permission? So we go out to waiting room and agreed we needed to call the grandkids and tell them. They each told me they would go see her if I wanted them to. So I explained to each of them I only called because they needed to know. What they choose to do with the knowledge is entirely their choice.

J JudymW Jul 2012 · Answer 10 · 2012-07-22T23:07:24.000-0400

Oh, jeez. I wonder if this has anything to do with the back pain she went to the ER over. Well, Lisa, I'm glad you went to the hospital and had supportive staff there. I'm not surprised that your mother doesn't want surgery though, but maybe she'll change her mind in the morning. Are they calling it "ischemic colitis"? I wonder if the grandkids will go in and see her. And, now, what's your plan with this? Will you go back in the morning? You sounded so cheery this morning. Man, sometimes your days are the biggest roller coaster rides I've ever seen. I'm so sorry you're going through this. xx, Judy

S Survived2 Jul 2012 · Answer 11 · 2012-07-22T23:33:57.000-0400

Judy, colitis is exactly what they were going with because of white blood cells. The amount of blood she lost is what was the deciding factor they needed to look further. Now they know of the addiction. She has apparently been demanding the pain pills instead of morphine. Morphine dosen't help her. So after our talk they understood. I have a problem with them telling me there is no mention of pain pill addiction. How many times I have told them. But before she came to my home she never ever put down her pain Meds on her list of medications. The pain pills never showed up until she came to my home. She would get furious that I would list them.

M mrsribit Jul 2012 · Answer 12 · 2012-07-22T23:35:02.000-0400

If they look at you for permission would you go against her wishes? If that's a possibility then you ought to find out what life would be like if she gets the surgery. You might have her back in your life for a while if not permanently.

A anonymous95109 Jul 2012 · Answer 13 · 2012-07-22T23:57:06.000-0400

I'm sorry Lisa. I think your feelings of anger were completely understandable. At least you have it in you to feel pity for her. You know she has always made her choices based on the twisted way she sees the world. How her mind works is the mystery. Her mind is so different from that of the normal feeling person. You can't begin to fathom it. I can't imagine her acting any different at the end, not even a health care directive, so you will have to accept that, once again, it makes no sense.

Let's see what tomorrow brings. Sending you love and comfort. Buckets of hugs, Cattails.

J jeannegibbs Jul 2012 · Answer 14 · 2012-07-23T00:05:06.000-0400

Hugs to you Lisa.

A anonymous95109 Jul 2012 · Answer 15 · 2012-07-23T01:15:11.000-0400

Lisa: If the doctors view her as being of sound mind, then the subject of your permission means nothing. Your mom made her wishes perfectly clear this afternoon and she also had the presence of mind to ask the doc if she believed she was of sound mind.

Let's see what the next day or two reveal. Maybe she will change her mind about the surgery or the health care directive. Whatever she decides to do, my guess is she will be going to a skilled nursing facility or a hospice facility.

Lisa, you have faith in God so consider that in her passing, God will heal her. That corrupted and miss-wired brain will be pure white light and at that moment she will be able to look back and see her life clearly. At that time, if you are able, your forgiveness will be meaningful and it will light the heavens.

One step at a time my friend. Love, Cattails

G golden23 Jul 2012 · Answer 16 · 2012-07-23T01:27:48.000-0400

(((((((((((((((Lisa)))))))))) I am so sorry.
We are never prepared when the axe finally falls, so to speak. I understand your, and also your anger, and agree you are fully entitled to it. I think your mum has been killing herself for some time. She does still have a mind, and somewhere in that morass she must have known there could be health consequences to her behaviours, Even if this is not caused by her addiction, she may have faced the possibility at some level. She is entitled to her choice, as far as I know,
I have a serious problem with them saying there was no record of pain pill addiction, and think someone(s) is(are) not doing their job properly.
Hope you can have a good sleep tonight, though that may be difficult.
Prayers for you and your family. This is a bumpy road you are on, and it doesn't look like it will end soon.
Love and (((((((hugs))))) Joan

S Survived2 Jul 2012 · Answer 17 · 2012-07-23T06:27:16.000-0400

Good morning girls. I called at midnight to check her condition. Because of hippa laws they could only tell me she was stable and would respond to questions. So I'm dressed and ready to head to the hospital. Want to be there early so I don't miss those drs they've called in. Not much sleep. As cold as this sounds, I need to also find out if she's yet changed beneficiary to her life insurance. Doug and I are certain she has. If she left it to that nephew of mine Doug and I will need to be prepared to get her buried if those er drs are correct about her condition. Like sis, she has abused her body horribly over the years. I m not sure she will survive the surgery if she permits it. Made Doug go on to work. He's only a phone call away. Aunt Rae made me promise to call her if she gets difficult. I will simply leave the room. So don't worry about me today. I got this. Love you my friends, lisa

G golden23 Jul 2012 · Answer 18 · 2012-07-23T09:08:58.000-0400

((((((((((((((((((((((Lisa))))))))))))))))))) ny thoughts and prayers are with you
love Joan

J JudymW Jul 2012 · Answer 19 · 2012-07-23T09:29:57.000-0400

Good luck. You'll be in on my mind today. What a wild ride. Hang on, Lisa!

B bookworm Jul 2012 · Answer 20 · 2012-07-23T09:46:31.000-0400

Lisa...it's such a shame that your sisters and mom wasted their life with addictions and bitterness. They were so miserable with their life that they took it out on you. Usually, in a family, there is all the "good" family and 1 black sheep. Your case is the opposite. You had 3 black sheep and 1 white sheep (you). Well, you do what need to do. We won't worry about you not being able to handle the situation by yourself. We have seen you from the beginning grow a backbone and became empowered to do what was needed to protect yourself and your family. We have all the confidence that you can handle it. Anyway, Doug has your six (military term that he has your back). You two make a great team and a great partner - something that is very rare. You take care! We're all here for you...

S ShadowChild1 Jul 2012 · Answer 21 · 2012-07-23T11:05:31.000-0400

Well everyone, I started this message on Saturday, it lost itself on its own, so I am trying again. The issue with my brothers, sister,and sister-in-law was ten days of cruelty and meanness. I lost; they won. My mother is really showing dementia issues, and is very loving and kind to me but won't say a thing to protect me. I will write more later, but all of my signs of PTSD have returned. My ex-sister-in-law said I needed to remember that the gypsies left me on the wrong doorstep.I have missed all of you, and hope all of you are well. Rebecca

G golden23 Jul 2012 · Answer 22 · 2012-07-23T13:34:17.000-0400

(((((((Rebecca))))))))) I thought you had cut yourself off from them. Truly, girl, it is the only way you can protect yourself. They are toxic. Reasoning, explaining to them and making pacts with your mother and so on will not work.Your mother may not cabable of showing support. I am glad she is nice to you right now, but look at the overall picture. Mine has rarely if ever given me support regarding my sister - usually she sides with her. I don't expect it, and put on my big girl panties and deal with them both myself. You can't make a silk purse out of a sow's ear! Everytime you get into a session with them you are defeated, and that will keep happening, and your mental and physical health will continue to suffer. Believe me, they don't care - not even your mum!
You are the guardian of your own health. Please practice extreme self care. Just let them go, What does it matter? Do what is good for you. Let them "win" whatever it is - not worth it. My sister has fought ruthlessly for years to be mother's favourite, and she wants all the inheritance too. Whatever! As far as I am concerned, if it goes than way, she can have it. I am not saying I would not take steps to protect my interests, but I am not stewing about it.
Remember, it is your choices that get you enmeshed with them again, and you can chose not to.
" Living well is the best revenge." George Herbert.
Try living well...
much love, ((((((hugs))))) and concern.
Joan

S Survived2 Jul 2012 · Answer 23 · 2012-07-23T14:13:51.000-0400

Update: blood is cut off to her colon. It hasn't died yet but high risk to do do. She's very sick. Started vomiting green bile. Every dr had been in to see her except surgeon. He was still in surgery but sent his head nurse. All morning I could see her working up to her tantrum, and it came. All it took was my answering the phone and saying hi aunt rae. Yep drew another audience. This time the heart dr who had just seen her was there also. spewing like a sailor. I told her the only problem with you is you are so jealous that me and aunt Rae are loved and your not. Thats what the hells eating your insides. (yes, I went to her level a tad bit) so I gathered my things and went out to the "CROWD" and the heart dr took my hand and said I'm sorry. I looked at him and said don't be sorry for me, she's the one that can't shit. Told the nurse I guess you figured out I'm leaving. You have my numbers if she worsens. But do not call me for anything else. If she manages to live thru this, she has her purse and you can send her home in a cab. I want you to put that in her chart. Yes mam, I understand. yeah girls, what a ride it is. I'm fine. Feeling very proud of myself. Can I get an across the miles high five?!?!?!?!

L ladee1 Jul 2012 · Answer 24 · 2012-07-23T14:22:39.000-0400

High fives across the miles to you Lisa!!!!!! You said this moring you had it. and you did.... you go girl........very proud of you.....

G golden23 Jul 2012 · Answer 25 · 2012-07-23T14:28:37.000-0400

HIGH FIVE to you lisa!!!1 Go girl. you made me laugh with the "don't be sorry for me, she's the one that can't shit" Hilarious!!!
Sounds like the hosp staff are getting it finally.
I AM SO PROUD OF YOU!!!
Wow, very well done -and you told them to put the bit about her being put in a cab on the chart.
Oh, lordy you are turning into something else and it is GOOD!
You will be able to give lessons soon lol.
Many pats on your back, and big ((((((((((((((((((hugs))))))))))))))) and love
Joan ♥♥♥ u deserve a medal!

D diavalon12 Jul 2012 · Answer 26 · 2012-07-23T14:29:22.000-0400

I think the hospital staff and the doctors have finially seen enough. Just sooo.... sorry you had to go though that again. But you know a sound mind person can only take so much and I think you have once again gone above and behond. The hospitals do have a group of doctors that can asked the court to step in if they need too. Hugs!!!! Oh wait high five !!!!

M mrsribit Jul 2012 · Answer 27 · 2012-07-23T14:41:23.000-0400

You are such a winner in my mind. I am so charged every time you show strength. You have my admiration and a great big High Five!!!!!! I bet the nurses and all are just in aw of you right now. I doubt that they think badly of you. I'm sure they are totally aware of how badly she treats you and them. I'm a nurse I know. This gets around even when it's not in the record or said out loud. I bet they want to give you high fives too. A few of them are probably praying for you too.

J jeannegibbs Jul 2012 · Answer 28 · 2012-07-23T14:55:26.000-0400

High five, right hand. High five left hand! Way to go.

J JudymW Jul 2012 · Answer 29 · 2012-07-23T15:42:29.000-0400

High five, low five, hand shake, fist-bump, knuckles, blowing mine up.... Its so dang sad though, isn't it? I mean, really. DQ had the chance to play nice and she didn't. I had hoped that maybe, just maybe, she could look you in the eye without malice, since she must know the severity of her condition. I can't say I'm surprised, Lisa. I'm disappointed though. Not in you. For you. All I can think of is that you can't pat a rattlesnake. I'm glad you removed yourself from that scene today, and I'm glad that others got to hear it. Even though you don't need it, it vindicates you in others' eyes, I think, and I know that makes you feel better. It does suck that people who don't understand, could wrongly vilify you, but not now! Now, I guess its a waiting game? Just wait and see what she decides and how she does...

G golden23 Jul 2012 · Answer 30 · 2012-07-23T17:02:50.000-0400

judy, I don't think the DQ CAN be any different than she is - it is her nature, even if it takes her down,
I love the parable about the frog and the scorpion - here it is in case anyone doesn't know it.

The Scorpion and the Frog

A scorpion and a frog meet on the bank of a stream and the scorpion asks the frog to carry him across on its back. The frog asks, "How do I know you won't sting me?" The scorpion says, "Because if I do, I will die too."

he frog is satisfied, and they set out, but in midstream, the scorpion stings the frog. The frog feels the onset of paralysis and starts to sink, knowing they both will drown, but has just enough time to gasp "Why?
Replies the scorpion: "Its my nature..."

That has taught me so much about people with mental illnesses of any kind. They can' t help but do the negative behaviours - it is their natures. Now I don't look for improvements, I count on their nature doing what it has always done.

Two years this July my mother has been living with me. She is a mean and hateful woman and I just can't do it anymore.

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