Two years this July my mother has been living with me. She is a mean and hateful woman and I just can't do it anymore.

Chimonger, my good friend, as usual your posts are on the mark. I wish you could have been here at the beginning because you have so much good info to offer. As the posts on this thread continue, we get a even more eye widening glimpse into the terrible things Lisa's mom has done during her life.

Unfortunately, you are coming in after Lisa and her family have made incredible progress.. The story isn't finished, but Lisa's mom has been out of the house for some time.

I might be wrong, but I have always thought of you as a male poster. Is that correct? So I don't know how you feel about blue tights and tuna cans, but if you feel like reading this thread from beginning to end, I would love to know how you feel.

Take care and if you can take time to read this thread that would be awesome. I know you are busy helping others, but see what you can do to fit us in.

Love and Hugs, Cattails

cans with or without tuna? they'd be doubly dangerous filled! enemies watch out when we swing those suckers!

You guys are crazy-love it

Happy Wednesday everyone! Remember all the damage from our hail storm? Well we are just now getting our roof today! That's how hard that hailstorm hit us here in Louisville. Didn't realize they would be here at the break of dawn. Lg&e coming to move the electrical service and set a new pole that holding the transformer on the pole.
Update: while at bus compound yesterday signing my contract for this next year j called. Wanted to make sure I received message she was back at er. She said mom insinuated to her that she dosen't think she can take care of herself in her little apt. Could I possibly talk to a social worker at the hospital and make sure they know this. I told her no. If she is wanting a nursing home it's time for you and her to get started finding her thatvguardian we talked about. They may have even sent her home yesterday. I have no idea.
You know girls, she's had this position for so many years, she just has to have the connections to get the ball rolling on this. Personally, I think I've filled my quota of nastiness and her ATTEMPT to humiliate in the last 30 days. Grrrrrrr

Lisa , you can request a new SW.... apparently this one is deaf, dumb and blind..... if she hasn't done anything yet, she isn't going to.... time for Doug to put on his Superman cape and get someone in there that will respect you, the position you are in.... and hear what you are saying.... NOT MY PROBLEM... and wasn't she supposed to be calling Doug anyway???? You are much more patient than I am....hugs

Lisa I can not believe that social worker does not get it that you will not be sucked into your Mom's problems WTF how many times or ways can you say-she is not my problem anymore-I wonder what her training has been-my granddaughter is becoming a social worker and her education is daunting. To those who posted to Chimonger in such a kind and Christian way good for you I had a different answer in mind but followed your examples and did not say what I was thinking-you avoided a tempest in a tea pot for sure and helped Chimonger more than an angery retort would have done-thank you.

Lisa, it keeps bugging me that J keeps contacting you about DQ. She seems to understand that you're no longer in DQ's life, then when something major happens, she automatically falls back to you to solve the problem. Maybe I read wrong, but wasn't J a social worker for Years? Did she spend most of those times "reuniting" family and therefore making her job easier? My take on J is this: "Oops, patient A is going to another major health problem. I know, lets call Patient A's family to handle it!" Then J does her job by passing the buck to the family to handle the emergency. This way, everyone looks good. Except You Are Not Cooperating. hehehe!!

I agree about changing social worker except..if DQ is no longer your problem, wouldn't that also apply with the social worker? You can't have it both ways but maybe Doug can submit a complaint?

I just talked to woman at health and social services. Explained somewhat about the situation. She will call me back by the end of day hopefully with a number for me to call to arrange someone to meet with mom, with the understanding that I will need to be kept at a distance with little or no involvement. And I told her yes I understand I am going to have this person to my home. And yes I will tell her everything. I'm sorry guys, I know there are soooo many out there in these situations, but it still amazes me when I get told my situation isn't rare. Found myself, when I got off the phone thinking, god please take care of the caregivers today. Best part? I'm ok. No knots. No stress. Nobody can accuse me of leaving her feeling helpless. I am sending her help. What she chooses to do with the help they offer will all be on her, right???

When I have to meet with the person, I've already decided we will only meet with him/her as a family. Guess it shows a little weakness on my part, but I want my family with me.

What she chooses to do with the help they offer will all be on her, right???
Right
and no, no weakness - smarts!

Meeting the person with your family is just as it should be, Lisa, nothing weak about it. Your mother is your mother, but her behavior affects your whole family, not just you. Strength in numbers. And, I can't help but think that if this person you're meeting with, hears the story from all of you, it'll make more of an impact. Jane is supposed to be calling Doug. He made no bones about that to her a while back. Jane may need a visit from the tuna can gang.

Lisa: I think you are doing the right thing. Your mom needs to be "in the system" and Jane is no help in making that happen. Meeting as a family is spot on. It's not weak, it's united. I think the person will be impressed in meeting a solid family that has been through so much together. I hope the appointment happens soon.

I want to mention how sorry I am about Jen's medical issue. You and Doug are such great parents.

Keep us posted. Love, Cattails

Jane needs to go back to college and retrain, she has obviously lost sight of what her position actually entails. dingbat.

It would be interesting to know Jane's actual work position -I had to deal with social workers-or so I thought but they were really RN's working out of the Social Service office-I would ask her her job title and what degrees she has-either she is lazy or not qualified.

I got stocked up on med's today-finally, for sinus, ear infection n bronchitis. We had massive storms w lots of hail. Pharm 1: no power, later, power no cash registers. Pharm 2: out of my rx's. Pharm 3 had my meds, filled while I picked up dinner to bring home, picked up, zoomed part way home husband called-pharm 3 called home, they didn't return ins card. 20 min back to town, back home. In bed, feeling awful. Just had to catch up here. I must confess here: I am retired social worker--can we stop referring to J as that, 'cause she's NOT a professional SW and PROFESSIONAL is what we are SUPPOSED TO BE. Our Austin has her pegged-She IS lazy OR not qualified OR BOTH ( my vote). Lisa: stop talking to Jane. You or doug go over her. Isn't the place where DQ ' apt is a large social service provider? J is making them look bad-worse yet, she is keeping your mom from the treatment she really needs. When working, we as agency had guardianships n staffed cases clinically to hash out how to best help the individual. We accepted input from families-sought it out, since they frequently had the big history. May we refer to J from now on as just J, or DAJ or NonproJ. Honestly I m embarrassed by people like her n there r plenty of them. Usually untrained, uneducated or just lazy morons. Please let's not think of her as a SW, even if she does call herself one. There now, I've said it, it's been bothering me every time she does some new dumb thing. Lisa: get someone else on it, she doesn't deserve ur time. N yes, u should have your family there-very much right thing to do. If you want a KAL BRIGADE w u, let us know! Also, please call the court and main agencies who handle guardianships there ( ur contact at the Sr abuse resource) can tell u who handles them. Find out if an application has been even initiated-j had told you ages ago she had started the process. Start calling her out to her supervisors. We're talking about peoples lives here. That j could never make it to blue tights, tuna cans & springy sneakers.other than to run from the brigade of course! My rant for the night. Mom told me tonight she is tired, worn out and old, but prefers it to the alternative! Good progress in a week, huh?
Big hugs, prayers and respect to each of you special blessings, kimbee

Lisa, when visit happens, fix out the role of person who shows up. SW, case mgr, case worker, assistant, intern. Know who u are dealing with-will be important as you move along. I more frequently see unqualified people sent out to assess, should not b the case, but often is.

Sorry you still feel bad kimbee. Same happened when we had wind storm here few years ago. We actually had to go to hospital for 2 days to get Doug his insulin shots. We used that pharmacy for years and they called him by name, and they still couldn't give him his insulin. Hope your home didn't receive any damage. Sooooo, your a retired social worker. Wow! Now I get how j just aggravates the shit outta you. I didn't receive the phone call. But I will call again tomorrow. I'll be persistent. I called the hospital and asked for her room number just to see if they admitted her. They didn't. I had told her the last time I spoke to her that if she persisted the ridiculous farce of having herself taken to the hospital I would contact social services to send them to help her get started on Medicaid. Then she could be placed in nursing home with referral from her drs. I just don't know how that works. Except for last visit, 99.9% of the time there is nothing wrong with her except the breathing issue. It's so dam frustrating. She is somewhere that she can live her life with independence. Make friends. She will not do it. What a waste she has made of her life. Just pure wasted it. And girls, I know she has a plan hatched in that warped brain of hers. I just can't figure it out. I know it in my gut. 2and 3 times a week calling 911? Doug, Jen and I talked tonight. I so hope we are being paranoid, but we all feel like a shit storms coming. Don't know when how or why. We just feel it. Jen is convinced she about to claim I thru her out knowing she's in bad health and cannot care for herself. Then j tells me she admitted she's not able to care for herself. And she dam well can. Maybe we are over thinking this. So dang tired and discusted tonight. Grrrrrr

I will kimbee. For some years now, I've made it a point to always ask the name of person I'm dealing with. Woman's name is Beth I spoke to today. This just has to be a good omen;)))))

Lisa, just for the sake of discussion, let us say that your mother cannot take care of herself. How would that be your problem?

Lisa if you find out Jane the unpro is not a real social worker-my daughter was in a phych hospital with an eating disorder and they passed one of the interns off as having her PHD-I call the hospital and ask to speak to Dr. Solumon and they said who is that? anyway let us know she should have a business card with her title on it.

Lisa: If your mom is going to lob another shit storm in your direction, please don't worry. You will handle it. It will be ok!!!

Kimbee in spot on. Go over J's head.

If your mom can't live on her own, then she can live in a nursing home. Social Services should be able to help get her qualified for Medicaid. As Jeanne said, it's not your problem.

Is "Beth" the person from Social Services you are to meet with or is she someone at the hospital?

Hang in there. Don't forget to breath. It will be ok. Love, Cat

Lisa, while it isn't your problem, you r making a great faith effort to get DQ someone to take over making decisions for her, whereas, then u can eventually provide input, or not. And she can accept the help, or not. I think until someone is in charge of her decisions and funds, everything will fall back to you. I think she is desperately seeking her old normal feelings of chaos and dysfunction. She can't seem to engage someone to handle her feelings for her, her usual coping mechanisms for avoiding responsibility for self, fear, feelings, behaviors has been removed-no one around to blame-just her pitiful self, all alone! I think THAT is why she states she can't manage on her own-gotta have someone to transfer her crap to. Cause our Lisa's not accepting it any more!! Go Lisa! Keep rocking it! You have made BIG progress! Hope Jen will feel better soon. Luv to all, kimbee

I knew talking to a woman named "Beth" had to be a good omen. She called me back. She said when we talked that something was really off about how things were being handled at al where mom is. So she made calls herself and asked some questions. She told me she had a problem believing what I was telling her because they deal closely with them and the outcome is outstanding when they place their elderly there. She told me big changes took place today and you will be getting a phone call in the morning. Just had a 70 minute phone call(looked at phone time;)) mom was taken out of her home and taken to their short term rehab facility where she will be required to stay for 2 weeks. She gets no choice in the matter. I told her before this phone discussion goes any further, it's not my intention to insult you but I need to know if she has the colledge degree to support her job title. Wow! 22 years and her education has been ongoing for all those 22 years. She told me when we meet personally she will show me her wall of pride in her office. She stated mom should have been sent to her for an assessment when she moved in. She used the term out of control. She's been there 1 day and she has observed her during physical therapy and has not noticed anything that isn't normal aging problems. She spoke with her for nearly 2 hours yesterday, and told me I'm sorry, but you may realize she blames you for everything. Yes, I know this. Told me she's very angry, very bitter, so I welcome you to come see her, but advise against it. So I opened up and told her more than I would ever think of telling j. She said I did exactly what I should have done to get her out of my home. I told her about aging care and how I found the support I needed. I also told her if she would like to take the time to read this it would give her an honest, true picture of where my mom is mentally and why I'm asking you to do an psychiatric evaluation on her. She will have that done next week. It was being scheduled today. She told me she will make this painless as possible for me, but they will need questions answered thru these next two weeks and will I do that for her and promises not to have to deal with DQ. She said this is what I do. If she's making bad choices, she will get the ball rolling to have guardianship appointed. She said by observing her she already can tell physically she's not going to meet the criteria for nursing home. She's calling me at 3 today with any more questions that she needs immediate help with understanding. Oh, before I go, I told her she will see some unflattering comments about j from the kick ass girls and I think you'll understand why. And if she reads this, feel free to comment. So girls, she invited me to see her degrees. So I'm thinking I'm dealing with the real deal here? Love you all, lisa

Ok, sitting here on pins and needles waiting to hear what you think. What this woman told me, is this what should be expected from a social worker? And she told me if there were any special requests as far as test, ect, to ask for these in the next week. What they test her on will be in her file at al, but more importantly it will be on file with social services. They are now involved because of my call I made. And this will be very important, right? Please give me any suggestions girls. My chance has come. She will be in the system. I just want it all out there. I'm feeling so sick to my stomach. Doug just called. He just spoke with Peggy. Said he needed to hear her verify what she told me. Said he's kinda got a knot in his stomach. He told me " call me when the girls tell you to breath so I can start breathing." well, I'll be back. Going to grocery and take Beth to work.....

Lisa, I'm so confused. You know the crap day I had yesterday - still feeling shell shocked and weepy. So, maybe its my lack of sleep adding to my natural duh-ness, but why was your mom taken out of her home today and why does she have no choice?

Where's Kimbee when you need her???! She'd be a good one to comment here! Kimbee....where are yoooooou?

All I can do is send you some positive energy and let you know I'm mentally giving you a hug. Or...maybe I'm just giving you a mental hug. :) ... Hugs, love and tuna cans. I'll look for updates and helpful comments later. xx, J.

Judy, I decided to make the call to county social services. Mom has been moved to the building next door in their rehab center to be evaluated. When I explained the situation, and I need to have a guardian appointed for her, social services stepped in. This should have been done already. She has claimed she can't take care of herself and the trips to hospital are out of control. She's very angry. So now social services in our county will stay involved.

I'm so sorry the fear and anguish you are feeling. Just unimaginable to me. So when you need some strength we are all here for you. I know the only thing that will take the fear away is WHEN the dr says, it's gonna be ok. So catch the love and hugs I'm sending you!!!!! Lisa

Sounds like the real deal here Lisa.... the fact she was listening, shared her own observations, and said she would make it as painless as possible for you, but at the same time being honest with you about needing further questions anwered... I think J was stuck in her mind set of reuniting familes, which is all well and good under different circumstances... sounds like Beth listened to you and that is more than Jane did.... so ya, go ahead and breathe,,, sounds like the ball is rolling... keep us updated...... hiugs across the miles...

You are doing great, Lisa - yes the ball is finally roliing-in the right direction . I hope that J is removed from her position, as she has let you down more than once. A guardian should already have been in place, or the process well on the way. I know who Beth is but who is Peggy? I must have missed something. Breathe deep, all is well and as it should be. Professionals are dealing with your mum and getting her the evaluations, and hopefuily treatments that she needs. She cannot heap abuse on you the way she has been, and that is good - for you and for her. Where is the knot in the stomach coming from -anxoiety? fear? of what you mum can do to you. Relax sweetie, the KAL are here and we have your back. Social Services Beth has heard you, prayers going out for peace and for your mum to be processed thoroughly and properly this time. Finally things are getting to where they should have been years ago. So your mum is angry - what's new? I do understand they need some information from you, but apart from giving them info , she is not your problem! many hugs ((((((((((((((((((((((lisa))))))))))))))))))))))) - love ya joan

Here I am, checking in. My med's didn't work just got dif antibiotic, but 5 x worse than yesterday. About what's going on w Lisa... Not sure I have the players all straight? Beth, not babygurl Beth, works for a public social services agency, or for the agency where DQ's apt is?. Who is Peggy? Ok. My best guesses here. J's agency probably has multiple levels of care. Because the DQ kept running to inpatient care, for drama n a little bit of care, decision was made to address those darn persistent BREATHING problems in the in-house rehab ctr. This way DQ could be further assessed and pulmonary issues handled with less chaos to all involved. The patient always has a choice: in this case it may have been A-D/C from agency who operates A/L & Rehab; B-make your own arrangements w family and have family confirm w us, or C-Go to state psych facility for further care/eval. Guess which option was most appealing? Just a guess, tho-lot of info gaps on agency issues n personnel. Lisa, glad u asked for psych eval; also ask for her to be referred for substance abuse eval. Make sure they are aware of some examples of drug seeking behaviors ER, doc shopping, anger at ur preventing getting high on med's , agitation when w/o narcotics, giving card to addicted relatives, discharge from pain clinic, tearing up hospital RX when dose too low to suite her). Glad Beth has wall of pride. Actions do speak louder than words, you all deserve some action! And u can have input-u kno her the best- u don't have to accept a role that allows u to be set up for further abuse. I doubt a busy SW will have time to read this really long thread, even though it's interesting and offers so much in many ways. Bottom line they need to get: u endured a lifetime of abuse and family disfunction, made a life for ur self n still tried to help n support your mom. That was an innocent but well intended effort. When u let her move in ur life damaged further and ur family hurt as she abused you, ur special needs adult child and wrecked havoc at ea chance. Left behind hurt n vanity stuffed w poopy depends. Constantly attempts to reengage u. Not willing to have her abuse interfere w health and family. She has proven it futile. She has had trauma, grief, likely personality disorder (dah?!) and opioid dependence. [has there not also been some Xanax abuse along the way too?] DOUG & Lisa & rest of Fam: time to breath. Let go of those stomach knots! Kick Ass Women r still here for u. U r up for these smaller challenges that may be ahead. The worst is over! Whatever u do, don't let her back in the house for any reason-not for a visit, a break or any other cause, not even a glass of water. She would try to mow down the boundaries u have beautifully built. We all love u bunches n are praying for you. U kno the saying: Never too late to have a happy childhood? Luv and bunches of hugs. As u do for me Lisa, holding you close to my heart. Kimbee

Judy, what happened yesterday? Did I miss it? I feel like I'm developing some MCI or worse. U all stay honest w me, ok? Hope today was better!

On iPhone-can't review, hope it all makes sense and auto-correct didn't change too many words!

Looks like u all were posting while I was writing. We all seem to have the same read on things, let that comfort u! Judy, I'm going to see what happened yesterday, be back soon. Kb