My mother moved in with me when my oldest sister dies who lived with her. My brother died when I was 9. My mother and 2 sisters have been addicted to pain meds for years. One sister comitted suicide and the other who lived with mom died when her colon died. Her body couldnt even process the pain meds anymore. Years ago I made the decision to walk away and would only hear from mom when the oldest sister drained her accounts . When she died my moms accountwas charged 983 dollars in overdraft charges alone. So my only option was to move her in. She was in the hole over 2000.00. My husband and I discussed it. We felt this may be a chance to form a friendship if nothing else.
It has been a battle since after the first 3 months. When she accused my daughters fiance of stealing her pain pills I took control of them. She is forced to go to a pain management dr to get her pain meds every 3 months. She goes in my room searching for them while we work. She accuses me of stealing her money. There is nothing wrong with my moms mind. Just this month alone she has spent 732.00 at qvc. She has spent 1000's with qvc since shes been here. Mom has copd and has oxegen in her room. In comes the worst of the argument. She smokes a pack a day in her bedroom and often dosent turn the oxegen off. Im terrified she will cause an explosion and kill us with her. When I take the cigs it turns into a horrible argument. My mother has treated her grandchildren so horribly none have been to my home for 2 years. She has a sister who will not even answer her phone when she calls. She asked a cousin if she could move in and was told no. So she informed me that I would have to have a judge remove her from my home. I accepted years ago that my mom had no use for me. At 10 years old she informed me that she couldnt believe god took johnny instead of me. I heard that for years. I would cry untill I matured and realized she was the one messed up not me.
Now I am 50 years old and taking the verbal abuse again. I hear about how fat I am and dumpy I am. I buy a new outfit and get told I look rediculous. I need some help trying to figure out how to get her out of here. I had to give her the pain meds back last week because she threatened to quit taking her other medicines and she would accuse me of keeping them from her. This is just the tip of the iceberg. Ive been happily married for 28 years to a wonderful man and have 2 beautiful daughters. We own our own home. She has her own room with a bath and never has anyone in my family not made her feel this wasnt her home too. We fix her plate every night, take her to dr. Appts, wash her clothes, and still she treats us this way. Anyone who can please guide me in the right direction I would be so grateful. I am so stressed. I cant sleep, ive gained 40 pounds and im tired everyday.
Have a blessed day
Emjo: I'll see if I can explain these knots . When I come here and tell all of you what she has done to me in my lifetime, I feel such a peace with it. It is so hard telling these people the phrases, I don't know why god took Johnny instead of you. I should have drowned your ass at birth. How in gods name did I end up with a Fu***ing stupid fat ass like you for a daughter. These are things I have to tell to make them understand. They have to know why I can't be a part of her life. And every time I have to say it out loud, it just feels like it take another little chunk of my soul. I've told the sw from the cty, and the one over this evaluation. I'm done you need to figure it out. When they say I'm so sorry it cuts thru me like a knife. And I do tell them, don't you dare say that to me. I have made a beautiful life for myself, with a wonderful husband and children. I celebrate my life because I overcame. So emjo, that's the best that I can explain it. That is the last time I will speak out loud of it with these social workers. I told her I want you to know this will be unbearable if you promise me these things are being done and it isn't followed thru. After the evaluation she offered to meet with Doug and I alone with the sw from the county. So that's how Doug and I will do it. Love to you my friends, lisa
Everyone understands divorce. We don't have a comparable well-understood way for children to remove themselves from their parents. (Parents can disinherit a child.) You want your estrangement to be recognized legally. Mother is Not Your Problem. I hope that you do not have to explain the reasons to more legions of strangers. Let us hope that this is the last round. Let us hope that appointing a public guardian is the official recognition of the estrangement. And that even people with blinders on as tightly as Jane will be forced to acknowledge that DQ is Not Lisa's Problem, whether they approve of that or not.
If it turns out that DQ is not deemed to need a guardian, fine. Then she does not need you, either. Either she can operate independently or she cannot. And either way IT IS NOT YOUR PROBLEM!! Keep that firmly in mind. Repeat it as often as needed, to whomever needs to hear it. If anyone is judgmental about that, it is their problem, not yours. You are an amazing survivor.
Thank you so much for taking the time to keep us informed. You are an inspriation!
Your mom needs to be seen and incorporated into a system that will keep a file on her and her needs. People fall through the cracks all the time. They system is only as good as the weakest link and if you are unfortunate enough to hang your hat on someone like Jane; it's not just bad for you, it's bad for your mom.
Even though we all agree that you need to stay away from DQ, it would be hard for me to not get involved when I see the system (Jane) not taking the proper steps. After a reasonable time, the ball needs to be taken away from her. She is not worthy of the challenge and too many continue to suffer as a result.
So, I am thrilled that you took action. My heart goes out to you that you have to continually be re-victimized due to the negligence and inadequate training of some you have depended on, but taking steps to look further will save all of you needless suffering in the long run. So, GOOD FOR YOU, YOU KICK THAT BALL INTO THE END ZONE!!!!!!
If your mom does not yet meet the criteria for nursing home care, that's fine. She will eventually. If she is deemed to be able to make reasonable choices on her own behalf, that's fine and she may not get a guardian this minute. (Love how she won't release her medical records.)
Nevertheless, she's on the radar now. One of the things I would ask Beth is does the buck stop with her? Does she have the ability to be continuously kept in the loop. If your mom goes into the hospital, is she notified. Will she speak with the doctors when your mom is admitted? Is she kept abreast of what is happening at your mom's assisted living? Does Jane realize that she is going to get slapped upside the head with some tuna cans if she does not keep Beth informed? Is Beth asking and expecting that of Jane?
Every circus needs a ring leader. I hope Beth will be that person. You can support what's best for your mom while also supporting what's best for you. You just need to have that-got-it-together-go-to-person you can depend on. Maybe she has finally appeared.
You will rest easier knowing that someone is taking a role in your mom's life. It will relieve much of your anxiety. Beth sounds like someone who will treat you with respect and waste no time stepping in to the fray. She is the opposite of Jane.
You have made many wise and courageous moves over the past months. This, in my opinion, is another one. It has the potential to bring a close to the never ending saga. It may very well be a case of management now, not involvement. Beth manages the situation, you are not involved other than to let her know if things are not going according to design.
I don't know if I have said this before, but I'll risk repeating myself. All institutions, be it law enforcement, social work, medical intervention, government, etc. etc., go through trends. The goal is to look back at past mistakes and see if a different approach will work better. Sometimes the goal is just to qualify for funds to engage the next dog and pony show, but usually the ultimate goal is to do better.
Jane comes from an old school. Reunite family at all cost. Believe you can educate them, even if your mind tells you they have no comprehension of what you are saying and no ability to control their actions. Somehow they will live a better life and support each other.
Children die all the time of abuse. They die because the orphanage was impersonal and abusive and then they died because the foster home was abusive. And then they died because someone like Jane was taught to reunite and there was no escape. I could go on and on about this, but my point is no one can do much good unless they respect their gut as well as their education. Trends don't replace common sense. Maybe Beth has the attributes to see the big picture.
Take those deep breaths and try to relax. You are a kick ass WOMAN now, not a child at the mercy of a sick and cruel mother. Even if it feels that way sometimes, just look around you. Look at Beth and Jen, Doug and his amazing family. You've already made it past the finish line.
Sending you love from my heart and white light from the soul. Cattails
It would be totally unbearable if they don't follow through. You have had enough. I do think meeting with you, and Doug, and the sw after the evaluation is a good idea. Then you have it from the horse's mouth, or as close to as you can. I wonder if there isn't some way for at least some of her medical history to be accessed for these evaluations, but God is in charge and I believe the right thing will come about eventually. I trust Beth is keeping good records of what you have told her so it is down in black and white for perpetuity, and available for anyone concerned to read when needed.
My hat is off to you courageous lady. The cards were stacked high aganst you and you have overcome - you have KICKED ASS! This is traumatic, Give yourself some space to breath, to relax. Give yourself a treat - you more than deserve it. Experience and enjoy normality within your own family. You have my deepest respect.
Love, ((((((((((((((((((((((hugs))))))))))) and prayers ♥♥♥
Joan
So, I really do believe, Lisa, that if you keep telling it over and over, you will find that it no longer hurts you as much as it did before. And before that. And before that. Pretty soon - which I haven't gotten there yet - I think we will recall those bad memories with sadness - and the wastefulness of such actions from our supposed "loved ones." I hope I'm making sense.
I found this out in your thread. Remember when that commentor was so gungho religious and said that we had to be Respectful and Grateful to our parents, and feel Honor in caring for them? And I lost my temper? Then I felt bad for doing that? When I did that, I found out that I felt a little bit lighter than before.
Of course, the hateful words that DQ said about Johnny's death and you should be the one to die - that is absolutely unforgivable. Just saying those words have ended whatever normal relationship you would have had with DQ.
But you know what, you have a wonderful family and Us to help you along and to handle these stresses caused by DQ and the red tapes. Take care!! Hugs to you!
lisa - i don't understand the young ones, but I'lll take the attention -up to a point!
I am a royal watcher too -actually i was in the stands outside Buckingham palace for the Coronation of Queen E. in 1953. We travelled up the night before to get a place in the Canadian section. It was an amazing experience.
cat - re another thread - I am part welsh too - my paternal grandmother
it's all coming out of the woodwork now...
Have a good night!
HEY, this situation has changed A LOT, so anything you think you might tell me now is probably COMPLETELY POINTLESS.
Still feel the need to put your two cents in? NOT WITHOUT READING EVERY SINGLE COMMENT HERE YOU ARE NOT!!!
So you STILL want to try anyway, without reading ALL OF IT? Bugger Off!!!