My mother moved in with me when my oldest sister dies who lived with her. My brother died when I was 9. My mother and 2 sisters have been addicted to pain meds for years. One sister comitted suicide and the other who lived with mom died when her colon died. Her body couldnt even process the pain meds anymore. Years ago I made the decision to walk away and would only hear from mom when the oldest sister drained her accounts . When she died my moms accountwas charged 983 dollars in overdraft charges alone. So my only option was to move her in. She was in the hole over 2000.00. My husband and I discussed it. We felt this may be a chance to form a friendship if nothing else.
It has been a battle since after the first 3 months. When she accused my daughters fiance of stealing her pain pills I took control of them. She is forced to go to a pain management dr to get her pain meds every 3 months. She goes in my room searching for them while we work. She accuses me of stealing her money. There is nothing wrong with my moms mind. Just this month alone she has spent 732.00 at qvc. She has spent 1000's with qvc since shes been here. Mom has copd and has oxegen in her room. In comes the worst of the argument. She smokes a pack a day in her bedroom and often dosent turn the oxegen off. Im terrified she will cause an explosion and kill us with her. When I take the cigs it turns into a horrible argument. My mother has treated her grandchildren so horribly none have been to my home for 2 years. She has a sister who will not even answer her phone when she calls. She asked a cousin if she could move in and was told no. So she informed me that I would have to have a judge remove her from my home. I accepted years ago that my mom had no use for me. At 10 years old she informed me that she couldnt believe god took johnny instead of me. I heard that for years. I would cry untill I matured and realized she was the one messed up not me.
Now I am 50 years old and taking the verbal abuse again. I hear about how fat I am and dumpy I am. I buy a new outfit and get told I look rediculous. I need some help trying to figure out how to get her out of here. I had to give her the pain meds back last week because she threatened to quit taking her other medicines and she would accuse me of keeping them from her. This is just the tip of the iceberg. Ive been happily married for 28 years to a wonderful man and have 2 beautiful daughters. We own our own home. She has her own room with a bath and never has anyone in my family not made her feel this wasnt her home too. We fix her plate every night, take her to dr. Appts, wash her clothes, and still she treats us this way. Anyone who can please guide me in the right direction I would be so grateful. I am so stressed. I cant sleep, ive gained 40 pounds and im tired everyday.
Have a blessed day
I will never forget how I felt when he laughed out loud at me and said "What a load of crap!" He challenged me, and asked if I would let him, the neighbour or any other stranger or accquaintance speak to me that way. Of course I indignantly said I would never allow that, dont be silly.
"why then, dear lady, would you allow this girl to destroy your world, and she gets away with it, by virtue of genetics? You should expect MORE from her, not less."
Wow. Big eye opener. I told said daughter that we have no room in our home for people who disrespect us, and she had better make other arrangements. And she did. And peace reigned, and I didnt feel guilty. I looked after me, which also included looking after my husband's wife, and my other children's mom.
Dont discuss this any more with your mother until you have your ducks in a row. You are just inviting more argument from her, which you will never win, so dont go there. And trust me, there will be more drama. She will ramp it up, big time, since she has a pretty comfy set up there at your house. She gets a free ride, plus someone to pick on! what a deal.
Stay strong, my dear. This too shall pass. You have made some good first steps.
LindaMS
So my dear friends. School starts tomorrow. I was only going in for 3 hours this morning for a meeting. I get a call to please come back. Last minute problems that I've seemed to deal well with over the years. I am the planner. so all the stress the boss deals with, I'm more than happy to help her out. More importantly? I know how much she appreciates me. Thanks to all of you I am able to start this year off with a lighter heart and my whole being just in a better place. Thank you my friends. I love you guys!! I'm off to bed here soon. First day I'll be there at 4:30. Everyone have a terrific evening. Feeling so very blessed and mushy tonight. Sigh...your friend, Lisa
I sure do like all you guys - thanks for keeping up with this and keeping up the encouraging words for those of us starting the harder parts of the elder care journey. Cheers, Kathleen
1. Putting Lisa's mom in jail is a totally BS solution. That's just ridiculous.
2. Restraining order is not necessary.
In summary; DQ is out of Lisa's house, no one would recommend she be returned there. Lisa would not allow it. That problem is solved. It may be that Lisa's mom does not want to live on her own and maybe that type of life is just to boring for her. Not enough drama. The facility where she now lives may also decide that DQ is more drama than they bargained for and her constant hospitalizations/rehab needs put her out of the bounds of what they want to deal with on a daily basis. No problem, another living environment will come along with the help of Beth at Social Services.
In my opinion, this will be an ongoing situation with DQ. It really can't be any other way and given her history and mental health issues and it would be naive to think other wise. Nevertheless, it will work out. She's back in her favorite rehab and she'll move somewhere else from there. Lisa, just go with the flow. It will be ok.
My granddaughter, Amanda, looked so beautiful on her wedding day. I will be posting pictures on FB. She is a beautiful young lady, but I can't tell you how beautiful she was on her wedding day. Her hair was beautiful, her wedding dress was classic and timeless. The ceremony was so tender and heart felt. The looks and words she and Brad exchanged just let you see into their souls. I have never been more proud of her and I could write pages about why I feel this way.
She had a long week of friends and family flying in from out of state and she and Brad (groom) made their selves available every day and evening to be lovely hosts. I don't know how she managed to handle it all with the grace and poise she did, but the two of them pulled it off without a hitch. She was amazing and I can't help but feel that she truly picked the best guy in the world to marry. I just love him to bits.
At the reception, I watched her and Brad mingle with all who attended the wedding. They worked the room and made everyone feel special. When the music started, they had their first dance as a married couple. With the second song, Amanda took her dad on the dance floor and then her step-dad and then her grandfather (my husband). After the meaningful family dances were over, she and Brad hit the dance floor and made everyone laugh and smile with the fun they put into their dance moves. She was so beautiful, relaxed and carefree. It set the tone and we all joined them. They were incredible hosts. I can't even begin to describe how impressed I was with their ability to be so obviously in love and happy and yet make time for everyone in attendance. They danced and visited with everyone until 12:30AM.
The next day, Sunday, we met at Brad's mom's house for gift opening. This is evidently a tradition in North Dakota. Not one that I ever experienced growing up, but pretty traditional there. So we all got together, meaning family and wedding party, to watch them open every single flippin gift.
The good news is we had beer and wine and lots of food. We all shared fun stories from the reception the night before. Amanda had taken her hair down and was back to her comfortable clothes. They were both relaxed and happy. It was a perfect afternoon, all of us together, in a smaller intimate group and it was one of the best times we had together.
That evening, Brad and Amanda came to our hotel and went swimming with her younger brothers (12 and 13 years old) because she just wanted to spend as much time with them as she could as we were all leaving the next morning. So we all met at the pool and spent a few more hours together and then said good-bye.
There was no honeymoon in the schedule. Brad works full time for the city as their communications director. Amanda is a full time college student who also works 30 hours a week. There was no disappointment in their faces that a honeymoon was not next on the list. They were so happy to be with their families and give everyone an ample share of their love and appreciation. They truly were the stars of the occasion, but even more so with the genuine love, kindness and respect they extended to all who shared their wedding.
I am so amazed at the stamina, grace, beauty and love they both wove into this wedding. It was so much more than just seeing the bride and groom tie the knot. I can't tell you how proud I am to be this lovely young lady's grandmother. She is a jewel and so is the man she married.
Today she starts back to college, with 20 units to carry. Brad is back to work tomorrow. Warren and I got home tonight a couple of hours ago. I'm so glad to be home and at the same time so sorry to be at such a distance from her. I just love her so much. Nevertheless, in my heart I just feel that she has a great life ahead of her. I trust her decisions. She's an old soul for just being 22 years old. She has a path in life and she's on it. I will pray every day and God blesses her and Brad and keeps them grounded and safe.
So that's my first comment upon returning home from THE WEDDING and I thank all of you for caring about that which is so precious to my heart.
I missed you all while I was gone.
Cat.
:D
LADEE: HAPPY BELATED, NOW EXTENDED, BIRTHDAY TO YOU TOO! I hope it was a FAB day for you. I'm sorry i didn't realize it was your birthday. We all love you too! Hope you got to do something extra special! ;))
Judy, I hope your son's test goes well today, keeping you, David and rest of family in our prayers.
Cat, glad to hear the wedding was wonderful, it sounds so special. Glad you were able to be there for all the fun! I've never heard of the gift opening party either, but it sounds like great fun. I love how weddings recharge the romance in our own marriages. Such a special time in life. Enjoy your day being back at home with your puppies.
Kathleen-so glad you found us, your gonna fit right in here!
BkW-don't know how you do it all, hope you have just the right amount of work while your bosses are away, not too much, just enough!
All you other friends, glad you are here. On the subject of DQ n jail...OMG. I have had the very odd experience of counseling inmates; jail or prison are both environments that are just awful-everything about them is beyond what anyone could imagine. Dirty, stinking, noisey, inhumane, humiiating, harsh, unrelenting, awful food, treatment and really poor medical care. Some jails strip depressed inmates and observe by camera round the clock. How awful is THAT? I also visited and toured a Super max facility. Only one thing good there: pilot program of Girl Scouts in Prison. Not sure how much Security those little girls had to experience, but moms earned opportunity to participate through behavior, educ, etc. Observing THAT brought tears to my eyes. An experience I will never forget. But back to DQ-only if one could borrow Andy Griffith's little Mayberry cell. But just for a minute.
Lisa, I don't envy your day today, or these weeks of schedule adjustment. I'm sure glad though that God put you in the lives of all little ones who need you to get them off to a good start every morning. And glad you get such great rewards and reaffirmations of how special you are! I hope Beth can navigate a good outcome for your mom, but urge you to realize in the end, it may not go as we hope. There r many hurdles in Adult Protective Services and the guardianship process. What ever happens, don't agree to even a temporary stay with you, to sit with her for 10 min. or any transportation services-that will put u back in role of "responsible party" don't want u to get hung up or hung out. We all love you and want the rest of your life to be the amazing one you deserve;)) I remain honored to have found such great friends here-everybody have a good day, a moment of joy and a healthy (or decadent) snack! Luv and hugs, kim
Good morning, all
Lisa - sounds like the 1st 2 days of school have gone well - at least for the bus-drivers. I think the news last night said the total miles driven for Jefferson County add up to 5 times around the Equator! Thanks for doing it.
Cat - I'm with Lisa. Your description brought tears to my eyes. My second marriage began with that same feeling you've elicited: it was in my back yard, lots of friends and family from out of town and we had a wonderful long weekend, all together, lots of gathering. 22 years later, it still brings a warm glow when I think of it. And I'm sending all of them along to the newlyweds as they begin this phase of their adventure together. Congratulations, Amanda and Brad.
Even though my siblings and I are quite fortunate, so far, in realm of elder care, I feel much more fortunate to have found this site and able to learn from you wise women. I'm off to Texas early in the morning, hoping that we can find a way with Mom that is reasonable for all of us. Probably too late for her; I doubt she'll see any reason to change at the age of 87 and think of others or decide that she should start taking care of herself. Ces't la vie; or perhaps, la guerre!
Hope all have a good day. Cheers! Kathleen
To Rovanna and Pam: rest easy. No ones angry or hurt or anything else. Sometimes when under this god awful stress I just have to stop when solutions are offered that make no sense. It's just sometimes hard to see the humor.
It really breaks my heart to see him like this. He was at the care meeting, sitting in his wheelchair and I had moved my chair next to him. He didn't respond when I spoke to him and was dosing off and on. I had my hand on his leg and part way through the meeting he reached down and held my hand. I think it was because he could hear my voice and eventually realized we were there.
Today we have arranged to have lunch privately with him. Hubby and I are taking cheese burgers and both of our dogs. He has always been one to feed dogs at the dinner table so we are hoping the two moochers will bring a smile to his face.
Take care everyone. Cat
Cattails.
cat that was an amazing heartfelt account of your dgds weddng - what a beautiful young lady -does she take after her grandma a bit?
austin - sounding good
judy - thinking of you and your son - prayers
Lisa -with NO doubt you kick a$$ as a school bus driver -awesome!!!!
everyone - take care - keep tuned. I am sure there will be another DQ drama soon -
and yes, humour is good...
Have a great day everyone!