My mother moved in with me when my oldest sister dies who lived with her. My brother died when I was 9. My mother and 2 sisters have been addicted to pain meds for years. One sister comitted suicide and the other who lived with mom died when her colon died. Her body couldnt even process the pain meds anymore. Years ago I made the decision to walk away and would only hear from mom when the oldest sister drained her accounts . When she died my moms accountwas charged 983 dollars in overdraft charges alone. So my only option was to move her in. She was in the hole over 2000.00. My husband and I discussed it. We felt this may be a chance to form a friendship if nothing else.
It has been a battle since after the first 3 months. When she accused my daughters fiance of stealing her pain pills I took control of them. She is forced to go to a pain management dr to get her pain meds every 3 months. She goes in my room searching for them while we work. She accuses me of stealing her money. There is nothing wrong with my moms mind. Just this month alone she has spent 732.00 at qvc. She has spent 1000's with qvc since shes been here. Mom has copd and has oxegen in her room. In comes the worst of the argument. She smokes a pack a day in her bedroom and often dosent turn the oxegen off. Im terrified she will cause an explosion and kill us with her. When I take the cigs it turns into a horrible argument. My mother has treated her grandchildren so horribly none have been to my home for 2 years. She has a sister who will not even answer her phone when she calls. She asked a cousin if she could move in and was told no. So she informed me that I would have to have a judge remove her from my home. I accepted years ago that my mom had no use for me. At 10 years old she informed me that she couldnt believe god took johnny instead of me. I heard that for years. I would cry untill I matured and realized she was the one messed up not me.
Now I am 50 years old and taking the verbal abuse again. I hear about how fat I am and dumpy I am. I buy a new outfit and get told I look rediculous. I need some help trying to figure out how to get her out of here. I had to give her the pain meds back last week because she threatened to quit taking her other medicines and she would accuse me of keeping them from her. This is just the tip of the iceberg. Ive been happily married for 28 years to a wonderful man and have 2 beautiful daughters. We own our own home. She has her own room with a bath and never has anyone in my family not made her feel this wasnt her home too. We fix her plate every night, take her to dr. Appts, wash her clothes, and still she treats us this way. Anyone who can please guide me in the right direction I would be so grateful. I am so stressed. I cant sleep, ive gained 40 pounds and im tired everyday.
Have a blessed day
Cat, Austin,Jeanne: thank you. Frustrating when someone try's to tell me how to pray to god. And how god will respond. As I've said before, I own my relationship with god. And that relationship is a loving and thankful relationship.
Went to PIL when I got done with morning run. Mary not so foggy this morning. She's so week. Pt and ot therapist will be coming 3 days a week for now. She needs it badly. All of us have discussed and a agreed there will be a padlock on basement door. She is so hung up on the laundry. It will be put on from the other side so she dosen't see it. They have a walk out basement so when needed we will go thru from outside. Sil and I took care of insurance forms for fil cancer policy and in the mail. Fil feeling weak and was going to bank. He sat down 4 times drained. I just gave him my aggravated look and said are you going to tell me? He said hon I'm feeling really tired this morning. He and I had a few words last week. Not Harsh, but stern. I told him I'm tired of playing the guessing game of how he's feeling and he needs to use the tongue god gave him to help me out. He told me I'm getting awfully bossy these days. So he asked me if I would take his deposit to the bank. So finally he's asking for help.
Have I mentioned lately I love you guys? Honestly don't know what I'd do without you!!! Lisa
Lisa, my sis talked to him on the phone a couple of weeks ago. It's better than nothing, but a physical hug would mean a lot to him. She hasn't seen him in over a year. She's not an evil person, it's just easier for her to live her life with her head stuck in the ground. I know I have to accept that. I just hope I can forgive it.
Thanks for letting rant.
Cat
visual! Hope things going better at home. Miss n luv u all. Please keep us in ur prayers, we r struggling. Praying for all of you, hugs kimbee
Matthew. Where in the Bible does it say that it is God trying to teach Lisa and her family through this test? Have you read the book of Job? Satan told God that people worshipped God for selfish reasons. Allow the devil to Test God’s loyal worshippers. Then Satan proceeded to cause boils on Job. He lost his wife and children and land, etc…All throughout the Book of Job, Job Thought it was God testing him. But if you read it carefully, God gently reprimanded Job for this belief but He also rewarded Job for being loyal despite all these problems. And this is in the Old Testament.
For those who are into the New Testament, when Jesus was on earth. In Revelation 12: 7, it shows that there was a war in heaven, and Michael (Jesus) and his angels threw down the dragon (Satan) and his angels out of heaven and were sent to the earth. The dragon called Devil and Satan, who is MISLEADING THE ENTIRE EARTH.
So, Matthew, please do NOT preach on this site unless you can back it up with the Bible Scriptures! Lisa, God is NOT testing you and your family. It is Satan and his devils. I mean, Gee Whiz! Satan even tried to tempt Jesus! (Matthew 4:1)
So Back off, Mattew! Shame on you for using the name Matthew and twisting the Bible to fit YOUR version or interpretation!
I have not gone down that road again with her this time because it created hard feelings with us when my mom died. I already know she realizes my dad would want to see her. That is a no brainer. She knows this as well as I do.
It's a long story with my sis. She has always struggled financially and we have all done what we can to help her. A lot of her problems, however, are self imposed. She makes bad choices. Still she was a very hard worker and, for many years, raising 3 children. They are all grown now and no longer living with her.
My sis will take advantage of us financially. She vacillates between dreamer and survivor. Her dreams don't come true because she can't add and subtract. My parents, mostly my dad, always gave her money and so did her sibs. Over the past few years, she has put one of my brothers through serious hell. It cost him many thousands of dollars. I think this last go around was major and it broke their relationship. I feel most sorry for my brother because he did all he could and she treated him like sh*t. She would bad mouth him to all of us, but we knew the truth and she just used him to such a point of shame. For my bro, the loss is financial and it still continues. She left him with a huge mess. But more than that, she hurt him deeply from an emotional standpoint; more than I can begin to express here. Since early childhood, he was always there for her.
I have offered to pay her way up to see my dad. In spite of everything, my bother would too. But she says no. She did this in 2008 too when my mom was dying. She just wanted to spend Christmas at home, my parent's old home, which my bro had purchased and let her move into.
At this point, in my humble opinion, she has become so hard hearted that it is hard for me to recognize her. If I try to talk to her about anything other than her lalalalala life, she will become very angry. It's her defense, an even bigger effort on her part now, because she has so much more to deny. This has to be majorly hard work for her. In my opinion, she personal shame is off the scale and so she has to work so much harder to make it everyone elses fault. Still, that's the road she chooses.
My sis is not a drug user or a drinker. She is just a hater and I think she hates herself. I'd love to talk to her about that, but I am in the cross hairs here,, picking up all the pieces and I don't think I have ever been so disgusted with her.
My sis will talk about my dad like, "we wouldn't let out pet go through this." She constantly tells me about a young friend of her daughter's whose parents recently died just months apart. How awful it was for this young girl. The suffering was ridiculous, blah blah. Then the pet thing again.
Well, I have had to put some beloved dogs to sleep, but I have never done it without being by their side. My sister will not be here. That is her choice. She will not appreciate that she has let so many down and hurt them deeply. She will keep her wall up and she will make her self feel good by giving lame comparisons without realized that she is defining her own feelings when using them. She is talking about her resistance, her fears and her shame. Yes, I would like to shake her till her teeth fall out. She has let me down more than I could ever have imagined. She has hurt my brother more than I could ever have imagined. She has avoided giving our mom the comfort of her presence and she will not be by my dad's side either.
In my heart, I think she is a good person. I remember my sister from years ago and this is not her. But this is how she chooses to live her life and right now I could strangle her and feel the better for it.
She was the chosen child in our family. I think it cost her dearly, but she could show up, grow up. Do something to make a difference that only she can make.
Just pisses me off. I can't make this up to my dad. I can't be her for him. This is the last bag she is going to leave me holding. I love her and I have compassion for her struggles, but I can also hate her ass at this moment. I want to make it clear that I don't hate the sister I use to have, just the one I have now.
Cat
Big hugs - wish I could give them in person. Life flows on, whether we are ready for it or not,
cat - what can I say. I know the coldheartedness of a sibling, and have simply come to accept it, and work on forgiving. I love how you are championing for your dad, but don't get too hurt in the process ((((((((((((((((((((((((hugs))))))))))))))))))))))))
(((((((((((((((((((kim))))))))))))) sounds like you are getting busier and busier. - the job is increasing. Hope you get those home helps in SOON, and hope your health is improving. You need you too.
judy -awesome image - and definitely a red thong!!!!!! :-D
austin, book, rovana and all who commented on Matthew's post - well done- Lisa does not need the added aggravation
teachergear -have you thought of starting your own thread?- you have quite a story, and many can identify with what you write. I am so glad you are setting some limits. Definitely back to the NH if there are bad behaviors!
to all - I haven't gone back a page but you know you all are on my heart - Much love, many hugs and prayers Joan♥♥♥
Pam - I think you mean Caring-something or other. What a pain she was - preaching like she was on some higher ground looking down at the rest of us. UGH. Did I tell you how nice it is to see you on this thread, btw?!
"Keep your comments and posts to matters that concern caregiving. Don't discuss controversial topics – such as religion or politics – that might anger other caregivers." This is in the "about the forum" section, under the "caregiver forum" tab.
Please keep your religion to yourself. Its a rule. Thanks.
this is for matthew242424, who seems to have chosen book and chapter; i give him his verses! 50 The master of that servant will come on a day when he does not expect him and at an hour he is not aware of. 51 He will cut him to pieces and assign him a place with the hypocrites, where there will be weeping and gnashing of teeth.
i always come in to check how everyone is doing and lift them in prayer. i know i don't speak much in here, i just don't have a lot to offer.
i had to stop caring for my mother. in march she closed her bank accounts so that i could not take care of things for her, and she could spend money as she pleased without me seeing how she wasted it. soon she will be broke. then last month she wrote a four page letter to me last month that was so despicable that it left me shaking and in tears. i read parts to my sister, and my daughter read the whole thing herself.
they have known for a while that mother abused me, but never to what extent, (my sister is ten years younger so she missed most of my abuse, as a teen i made myself scarce). to say they were shocked would be an understatement. we all agreed that i need no longer have anything to do with her and she would not be invited to my granddaughter's baptism that weekend. my mother had screamed at me during my daughter's baby shower in front of two dozen guests, most of whom did not even know her; my daughter was afraid of this happening again.
i am still my sister's back up and sounding board for dealing with mother. any medical questions and issues come up, she knows i will take care of them.
Lisa, i am so glad that your DMiL is now able to be at home. i pray that the sense of normality all of you are attempting to provide will bring her some peace and happiness. i truly believe God is blessing you and your family greatly for all the love you shower on her. a legacy of love is one of His greatest blessings as it flows through out your family and shines for the whole world to see. while you didn't receive it from your mother, you found the love in your heart and you nourished it and gave it away freely; this shows your great strength and courage.
Cat you are also the face of Christ in the tender love you show as you care for your father. i know that your sister's attitude and lack of action is very frustrating and hurtful. it's often true that the child who is most favored and spoiled is the one who is never able to give in return. pity her, there is a hole in her soul. you cannot change her, but perhaps you can help your father accept that she is not coming. we are often told not to accept things that are bad, but when they are unchangeable and the lack of acceptance only eats away at us, accepting that bad things are just there, a part of life, is a way of letting it go and letting God deal with it. i am obviously still working on my own acceptance. i'm imperfect and will likely be a work in process for sometime. it's ok, i know God understands and still loves me just as i love my beautiful and imperfect children, much more so.
God Bless ALL of you this morning, may He gently carry you and provide what you need today.
I almost lost it when he/she said that "it is ugly for a woman to take the gloves and want to fight." ....Hello? So Lisa and all of us are to sit still and read his BS? If he's a man, does he abuse females? If she's a female, is she being abused and thinks it's our duties as female to take the abuse? I will rather be an UGLY woman (which by the way, I'm not) and take the glove and fight BACK...Thanks Judy for reporting him/her. I wanted to but...still don't have the gumption to do so!
Message left at 4:30 yesterday. " hello, this message is for Lisa. This is t from crimes against seniors. If you could please return my call." next message 30 minutes later, " hello, this is detective $&@$&@$&@ from fraud unit trying to reach Lisa ford. I'm trying to figure out the situation with the nephew who stole your mothers debit card. If you could please return my call at......
Can you believe this crap??? What now? I expected to most likely hear from detectives, but case worker from cas. That one stumps me. I haven't seen DQ, so she surely can't scream abuse. I'm sure her cable and Internet are working just fine. :)))). Guess Monday will tell. No worry or stress about it. It's just a pain in the ass.
Mary update: better every day. Visiting nurse came today. Blood pressure is fine. I was given a chance to see just how bruised she is from the heart cath, and where they had to restrain her. If I hadn't been there to see how gentle she was handled during the restraints I would have been horrified and ready to scream abuse I think. All of us know this was all Mary fighting it every chance she got. It was so horrible to see her like that. I shouldn't think like this, but I'm certain there will be a next time. And it will be just as hard to watch. She is so weak and it's heartbreaking to see her tear up in frustration. She's always been so strong and taking care of everyone around her, and now she's the one who needs our care. I'm so proud of my sil. Mary told her friend of 40 years when she came to visit last night she is completely cancer free now. Sil never corrected her one time. She just looked at me and smiled sadly. My sil from Alabama is the strong one. Doug and other sis are having such a hard time accepting this. Doug and I made a grocery list for them when we went over for nurses visit. She made sure he knew to bring her pizza. So instead of the frozen, he called in for her fav pizza and we picked it up on way from grocery. Swear youda thought it was Christmas. She had two slices. More than she's eat in one sitting in weeks. We put groceries away and I noticed he only got them a half gallon of milk. I asked why he didn't get the gallon cause they would run out. He just grinned and said that was his excuse for dropping by Wednesday and her not accuse him of treating her like a child who couldn't take care of herself. Hahaha. God, I love this man!!! Hell yeah Doug!!! said he's already thought of more excuses to pop in. Sending all of you our love!!!