My mother moved in with me when my oldest sister dies who lived with her. My brother died when I was 9. My mother and 2 sisters have been addicted to pain meds for years. One sister comitted suicide and the other who lived with mom died when her colon died. Her body couldnt even process the pain meds anymore. Years ago I made the decision to walk away and would only hear from mom when the oldest sister drained her accounts . When she died my moms accountwas charged 983 dollars in overdraft charges alone. So my only option was to move her in. She was in the hole over 2000.00. My husband and I discussed it. We felt this may be a chance to form a friendship if nothing else.
It has been a battle since after the first 3 months. When she accused my daughters fiance of stealing her pain pills I took control of them. She is forced to go to a pain management dr to get her pain meds every 3 months. She goes in my room searching for them while we work. She accuses me of stealing her money. There is nothing wrong with my moms mind. Just this month alone she has spent 732.00 at qvc. She has spent 1000's with qvc since shes been here. Mom has copd and has oxegen in her room. In comes the worst of the argument. She smokes a pack a day in her bedroom and often dosent turn the oxegen off. Im terrified she will cause an explosion and kill us with her. When I take the cigs it turns into a horrible argument. My mother has treated her grandchildren so horribly none have been to my home for 2 years. She has a sister who will not even answer her phone when she calls. She asked a cousin if she could move in and was told no. So she informed me that I would have to have a judge remove her from my home. I accepted years ago that my mom had no use for me. At 10 years old she informed me that she couldnt believe god took johnny instead of me. I heard that for years. I would cry untill I matured and realized she was the one messed up not me.
Now I am 50 years old and taking the verbal abuse again. I hear about how fat I am and dumpy I am. I buy a new outfit and get told I look rediculous. I need some help trying to figure out how to get her out of here. I had to give her the pain meds back last week because she threatened to quit taking her other medicines and she would accuse me of keeping them from her. This is just the tip of the iceberg. Ive been happily married for 28 years to a wonderful man and have 2 beautiful daughters. We own our own home. She has her own room with a bath and never has anyone in my family not made her feel this wasnt her home too. We fix her plate every night, take her to dr. Appts, wash her clothes, and still she treats us this way. Anyone who can please guide me in the right direction I would be so grateful. I am so stressed. I cant sleep, ive gained 40 pounds and im tired everyday.
Have a blessed day
DQ can scream whatever her crazy mind makes up, but it won't go very far. As for the nephew - I suppose the stories are growing. You have better things to do.
So glad Mary is improved. I think you are right that there will be a next time, unfortunately.That sil is doing well. I am sure Doug and the other sil will come around. It is a hard adjustment. What a caring man Doug is! Again - all of you are awesome. How are Beth and Jen doing in all of this? And how is Jen and her meds and how is the house hunting?
Hope the little monsters on the bus are reasonable - you don't need a lot more drama at this point. ((((((((((((((((((((((hugs))))))))))))))))))))))))) and love Joan
Emjo, Beth hasn't been to see gma yet. These situations scare her so badly. She called me one evening while in icu. Told her we were cutting gams toenails and having a hard time. Next morning I woke up and a pair of new toe nail clippers were on the table with my keys on top. Next evening a new house coat. she heard Doug and I talking that sil's and I were going to penny's to get her a new house coat. Beth loves her dearly, this is just her way of coping. She has tomorrow off, so she is going with Doug and bandit to take her the Sunday paper. And Jen? She has cried so much. She was at the hospital minutes before we got there that night. My sil's daughter too. Both girls very close to gma. Both girls couldn't handle the scenes, so they didn't return for a few days. When Mary asked Jen how the kids were doing, and she hoped she would bring them to see her soon, Jen just broke. But girls, she went right along with it and told her they were fine and she would bring them to see her soon. Then she looks at other granddaughter and tells her she needs to settle down and start a family. She is actually the one who has children. So we got to watch them LAUGH thru their tears in the waiting room. Then my niece asked Jen if that means she's has custody for the weekend.
Sorry girls. Couple questions and there I go rambling on and on. It just feels good to talk. So now I'm just so relaxed tonite and hitting all your threads to catch up on YOUR days this last week. Love you all sooo much, KAW member!!
{{hugs!}}}
You are doing an epic job of care-giving!
HOW do caregivers protect themselves from accusations of elder abuse, by the elders, or from distant relatives who have not been present to see for themselves?!
When it is 1:1, it seems to become a "he said, she said" argument.
Don't they need proof?
Or is it like CPS--they move the kids/elder out to protect them, THEN ask questions?
IF they do that, doesn't someone file a complaint and it becomes a formal file against the caregiver?
[[dang! If I had known that, I would have let them do that--it would have gotten Mom outta here sooner! ]]
Hugs to you.
So many good and loving posts here. I can't comment on all of them. Just good to soak them in and laugh.
Lisa: Keeping Mary in my prayers, but I know they have already been answered. She is so blessed to have you in her life. She has such a wonderful family. I know there will be sadness and ups and downs; but I'm glad she is home and surrounded by the love of her family.
Judy: Thanks for your wall post. I need to let this sh*t with my sister go and I will. I think it will be easier now that my second brother is gone. So glad both brothers could spend time with dad. Now it's back to me and I will manage. I think my sister's behavior just brought up a lot of the sadness I felt when my mom passed; and having siblings here, minus her, hit a nerve, kind of brought it all up again. It will get better.
My dad looks really thin. When my brother told him he had to leave today, my dad asked him why. I could see my dad didn't want him to leave. He says that to me too and I always tell him not to worry I will be back in the morning, afternoon, whatever. My brother called me when he got to Seattle (airport) the "why" was weighing on his heart. We shall carry on.
Sending love and white light to everyone. Love, Cat
I agree with hiring dependable people. You PIL can afford it and it takes the burden off family. Everything you said above makes complete sense to me. Give the family a break and let them fill in where needed. There is no reason to stress out grandchildren and children with unnecessary work duties. Give yourselves the space to interact in the most meaningful ways.
You are a smart cookie. Hope you can convince your sil of the wisdom of your plan. You will all have enough to handle as time goes on. Let the mundane and continuous house work and yard care go to someone else. Money is not an issue here. It should be a comfort to everyone in the family to know that cleaning and yard care are handled and you can all focus on what's most important.
Love and hugs,
Cattails
What you presented makes GOOD sense!
We too often forget that there needs to be QUALITY of life, not just quantity.
Your plan allows for QUALITY of life to happen, as well as just getting the mundane tasks taken care of by hiring them done.
Such a blessing to have resources to fund hiring help!
I pray the plan works well for those with the decision making powers!
Let us know what happens.... love and hugs...
Family can provide irreplacable services that can't be hired out. You can't look in the yellow pages and find someone to sit and reminise with Gramma about the holiday cookie-making sessions from years ago. You might be able to hire someone to play cribbage or scrabble, but it won't be as meaningful as a family member doing it.
Maybe I see things this way because in my professional life I'm exposed to analysis of the most effective use of business resources There is nothing unworthy or demeaning about running the photocopy machine. But for a senior vice president to run off and collate her own meeting handouts is a very expensive way to get that task done! It is not a good use of her time.
Family members should do what only they can do, and what they can do far more meaningfully than a hired stranger. The rest? Hire it done by someone who can do it efficiently and will be happy to earn the paycheck.
PIL update: lawn service and heavy house keeping will be hired in. We met at pil's house when we took their evening meal. The agreement for now is until they get their strength back. Lawn service will stay in place for good. We and the grandkids will continue to help with mil flower beds. They are beautiful and her passion. Great together time. Doug and bil will help maintain rays vegetable garden. His passion. 2 of the grandsons are all for helping because they wish to learn for their own homes. Once sil realized what our plans entail and there will still be interaction from the whole family, she much better with this. Threw in some fantastic ideas of her own.
DQ update: remember I told you t called from cas and I was stumped. Not anymore. Seems moms cousin called them because we have appliances from her apt. Told them we kept her clothes. Remember she is the one who gave mom the number and refused to let her move in with her. I had such a hard time holding my anger in check. So I have a folder I keep with detectives names, police report numbers, etc. We discussed appliances. DQ has nowhere to put them. T dosen't understand the issue with that. She has nowhere to put them. Told her she can relay to mom she can take me to small claims court. And to think I was ready to move those out of our garage and start giving to grandkids. Guess I'll hold off on that. All the pictures I kept of sisters for their kids and their grandchildren. That got the heart to pounding. Geeze. I only commented that they must be there. And if she finds them I'm sure her plans are to destroy them so the kids can't have them. She said that's so sad, and let's hope she dosen't find them. I think she knows I have them. And girls, I will never give them up. So that's how my Monday morning has gone. I'm still in a good mood enjoying this beautiful day! How far Doug, the girls and I have come. We used to get so upset and stressed out over her crap. Now it's feels like a little knat that's bothersome.
Everyone one enjoy your day. I think of you all thru the day and send out prayers. Good luck at your meeting kimbee. And cat, how's dad?