My mother moved in with me when my oldest sister dies who lived with her. My brother died when I was 9. My mother and 2 sisters have been addicted to pain meds for years. One sister comitted suicide and the other who lived with mom died when her colon died. Her body couldnt even process the pain meds anymore. Years ago I made the decision to walk away and would only hear from mom when the oldest sister drained her accounts . When she died my moms accountwas charged 983 dollars in overdraft charges alone. So my only option was to move her in. She was in the hole over 2000.00. My husband and I discussed it. We felt this may be a chance to form a friendship if nothing else.
It has been a battle since after the first 3 months. When she accused my daughters fiance of stealing her pain pills I took control of them. She is forced to go to a pain management dr to get her pain meds every 3 months. She goes in my room searching for them while we work. She accuses me of stealing her money. There is nothing wrong with my moms mind. Just this month alone she has spent 732.00 at qvc. She has spent 1000's with qvc since shes been here. Mom has copd and has oxegen in her room. In comes the worst of the argument. She smokes a pack a day in her bedroom and often dosent turn the oxegen off. Im terrified she will cause an explosion and kill us with her. When I take the cigs it turns into a horrible argument. My mother has treated her grandchildren so horribly none have been to my home for 2 years. She has a sister who will not even answer her phone when she calls. She asked a cousin if she could move in and was told no. So she informed me that I would have to have a judge remove her from my home. I accepted years ago that my mom had no use for me. At 10 years old she informed me that she couldnt believe god took johnny instead of me. I heard that for years. I would cry untill I matured and realized she was the one messed up not me.
Now I am 50 years old and taking the verbal abuse again. I hear about how fat I am and dumpy I am. I buy a new outfit and get told I look rediculous. I need some help trying to figure out how to get her out of here. I had to give her the pain meds back last week because she threatened to quit taking her other medicines and she would accuse me of keeping them from her. This is just the tip of the iceberg. Ive been happily married for 28 years to a wonderful man and have 2 beautiful daughters. We own our own home. She has her own room with a bath and never has anyone in my family not made her feel this wasnt her home too. We fix her plate every night, take her to dr. Appts, wash her clothes, and still she treats us this way. Anyone who can please guide me in the right direction I would be so grateful. I am so stressed. I cant sleep, ive gained 40 pounds and im tired everyday.
Have a blessed day
Lisa: Dad is taking his time, but losing ground. Very thin. Eats breakfast, but must be fed. Lunch is of no interest to him, maybe a couple of bites at dinner. I'm leaving in a few minutes to spend time with him. Just sad to see.
Love you guys, Cat
which old witch?
the wicked witch!
ding dong the wicked witch is dead!!!
*does happy dance*
love ya'll more later...
With regards to your health and mold, I just read a thread from which a poster said she's allergic to mold. She bought this expensive air filter that really works. Please go to the thread: How Can I Deal with the Smell from the Commode While Cleaning it? = Answers 11-20 posted by HappyHuman. You can post to her for more information.
Thanks for understanding!
The AgingCare.com Team
Good day: Doug took ray to the dr to hear his test results after kemo. They look good, but not quite where they want them. But they believe that they will come down more since kemo is still present and fighting. he will go back in 3 weeks.
Lousy day: I called Mary to check on her and to make sure she's ok till they get back home. She said she wasn't feeling good. Was having a hard time breathing, and her chest was feeling tight. Well I've already grabbed my keys and in the car. Said I'm on my way. PIL only live a 1/2 mile away. Ems gets there and she refuses permission for them to check her out. Bottom line, she will not be taken back to the hospital again. I told her she could have another stroke. She looked straight at me and said if that's what happens it happens. It's my time. I have a living will and there's nothing any of you can do about it. She at least let them check her blood pressure. It was fine. So I called the others. She called me an fu&&ing tattle tale and she would never tell me she felt bad again. All I could think is the F word must really make her feel empowered. The other three arrived and she was just nasty to everyone. Bitched at fil about me calling for help. We just don't know what we can do. Her breathing did ease up and she ate a good dinner. We went out back and I told Doug and sil that I think there may be nothing we can do. I am absolutely convinced she will refuse to go to these dr appts lined up for her. First ones Friday. Sil is taking her, but now I think it needs to be all of us. And dammit on top of that, Friday is her birthday. Any ideas on who we can talk to in case she refuses medical treatment? Lord, what do we do? Who do we call for help? Every reaction from her up to this point has been positive. Now this. Love you guys, Lisa
I have no idea what to say about her refusing medical treatment, except that its her right, I think. Someone else will know far better than I do.
As for Friday -. I'm not sure everyone going to her appointment is necessarily a good thing. She sounds like she's feeling angry and resentful and doesn't want attention, and maybe the last thing she wants is for more people to be there with her at an appointment. Mil's old life was pulled out from under her feet, so maybe that's why she's lashing out and saying she doesn't want medical treatment. I'd be pissed off too. I think I'd give her some space. Maybe she just needs to adjust to this new normal?
It is her life. It is her right to decide how much medical interference she wants to accept. When your time comes, it will be your right to decide. What is the point of having a living will if it isn't going to be respected?
But ...
Her judgment is impaired. How do you know if it is the "real" Mary that is making these decisions? I think you have to rely on what you know of her life outlook, religious beliefs, and specific attitudes about medical matters before she developed dementia. Are the current decisions consistent with that? If she has a living will drawn up before dementia, that should provide ample clues.
And, not all medical treatment is created equal. I like to distinguish between treatments intended to extend life ("quantity") and treatments intended to improve or maintain quality of life. Perhaps when Mary adjusts to the new normal she can be gently guided to accept quality measures, even if she firmly rejects quantity.
Here is an example: A few years ago a test for something else spotted an internal growth in Mother. Her geriatrician asked if she should set up further tests. Mother refused. She said, "I've lived a good and long life. If cancer is the way I'm going, so be it. I would refuse treatment, so I don't want the tests done." Her children had to accept that. But we are all over her case and moving heaven and earth trying to ensure she takes her blood pressure meds. Why? Cancer is a quantity of life issue. Having a stroke is often not fatal but has an extreme impact on quality of life.
Another example: We do A LOT of doctoring for my husband, including annual trips to Mayo Clinic, and to a sleep disorder clinic, as well as frequent visits to his wonderful geriatrician. I've taken him to ERs more than once. He takes a very long list of medications. And yet he has a DNR order that he feels so strongly about that he had his defibrillator device surgically removed. The pacemaker is OK -- that is about keeping him comfortable. The defib was not OK -- that is about keeping him alive. He has rejected a recommended feeding tube, and more recently rejected a special diet. We make all medical decisions based on QUALITY OF LIFE, as best we can. I'm glad that Mary allowed a blood pressure check. Perhaps in time it won't have to be all or nothing when it comes to medical treatment.
Also, as a spouse I feel VERY strongly that it is my responsibility to honor and implement decisions as I believe Hubby would want. I'm willing to listen to imput from all of our children, but ultimately I will decide if/when to place him in a care center, whether to take him to ER, how to feed him, what drug regimen to follow, etc. etc. I know that our children love him and want the best for him, but I am the ultimate decision maker. I hope that you wonderfully caring children are giving Ray support and input, and not expecting to get to make decisions democratically by majority vote!
Mary reached out to you in pain and fear. And, by her lights, instead of offering comfort and company you betrayed her and called in the EMTs and then tattled to the rest of the family. Yikes! Maybe you would do the same thing the next time, but with this experience behind you, do it in a slightly different way, leaving her feeling more in control of her own life and that her wishes are at least acknowledged.
It isn't true that there is nothing you can do. You may not be able to force her to accept medical treatment against her will and her beliefs, but you can assure her she is loved, she is respected, and that she still is as she has always been highly valued by all of you.
I think Judy is right. Maybe giving Mary some space is what would be most helpful next.
Hugs to all of you!
Lisa, I don't know what to say. I know you are OK with what Mary said and she does have the right to refuse what ahe wants to, including even going to the appointment. She knows her rights, and she is only being consistent with her previous behaviours of not wanting to go to the doctor. You know, I have some sympathy for her position. She wants to live her life the way she has, and not be given a lot of medical intervention, and when she goes, she goes. I understand that. However, the reality is the she may get ill, not die, and then, as earlier, be carted off to the hospital where she may be subjected to all those procedures -again. it is what they have to do, as far as I know. She was not in her right mind when she was in before, and I am sure all of you were agreed that she was to have all the treatment available. There are no easy answers here. She has to do what she wants to do, she has a living will. The medical world has to do what they are trained, and committed to do, as much as possible, should she land back in hospital. And you and Doug, and sils and Ray are caught in the middle.
Jeanne your poiint about it being fil's responsibilty primarily is well taken. He has his marbles, and he knows his wife better than anyone. How does Ray feel about this, or is he still in a form of shock about it all?
So much has happened and is happening so quickly.The questions are huge, and the answers not obvious.
Prayers for all to sort out priorities and yes, allow Mary control over her own life, and respect for her decisions. It is terribly hard, as I am sure Jeanne can attest to, but it speaks of love rather than fear.
I know the shock of hearing that a loved one will never recover, and if he lived would not be himself, nor have any semblance iof a normal life.. I know the pain of making a life and death decision, and the confusion, and anger that goes with it. . But the decision had to be made, and it was. Not the same circumstances, but some similarities, and the hardest decision I have ever made. Life does go on, not the same, but it does. Love, ((((((((hugs))))))))and prayers Joan
My personal opinion about your sil's statement, she was simply expressing her own fear.... fear of not doing enough, fear of doing too much, and simply the fear of having all this new responsibilty... the rug has been jerked from underneath ALL of you... Each of you have your own adjustments to make.... your own acceptance of this new normal... it's all very frightening and overwhelming... for everyone.... Plus with your FIL's health issues.... it's like it's all up in ya'll's faces all the time... possibly ya'll can giver her some space and time, and do the same for yourselves..... fear makes us do things that a little common sense would be better implimented.... no criticism here, none, and I hope you don't take it that way... you have barely had time to process the mess with DQ much less all this....
Everyone staying in 'panic mode' is only going to stress you all out, exhaust you, and then no one is helping the situation.... and MIL will come to resent it, even if it's done out of love...
You are doing an awesome job here, and love does take control and we do things, that with hindsight, we learn how to handle a little calmer the next time....this is all new for you too.... so just know that you are loved and supported... and let MIL know the same things... and honor her wishes....I would certainly hope others respect mine when the time comes.... sending you lots of hugs and angels to help lighten your load....