My mother moved in with me when my oldest sister dies who lived with her. My brother died when I was 9. My mother and 2 sisters have been addicted to pain meds for years. One sister comitted suicide and the other who lived with mom died when her colon died. Her body couldnt even process the pain meds anymore. Years ago I made the decision to walk away and would only hear from mom when the oldest sister drained her accounts . When she died my moms accountwas charged 983 dollars in overdraft charges alone. So my only option was to move her in. She was in the hole over 2000.00. My husband and I discussed it. We felt this may be a chance to form a friendship if nothing else.
It has been a battle since after the first 3 months. When she accused my daughters fiance of stealing her pain pills I took control of them. She is forced to go to a pain management dr to get her pain meds every 3 months. She goes in my room searching for them while we work. She accuses me of stealing her money. There is nothing wrong with my moms mind. Just this month alone she has spent 732.00 at qvc. She has spent 1000's with qvc since shes been here. Mom has copd and has oxegen in her room. In comes the worst of the argument. She smokes a pack a day in her bedroom and often dosent turn the oxegen off. Im terrified she will cause an explosion and kill us with her. When I take the cigs it turns into a horrible argument. My mother has treated her grandchildren so horribly none have been to my home for 2 years. She has a sister who will not even answer her phone when she calls. She asked a cousin if she could move in and was told no. So she informed me that I would have to have a judge remove her from my home. I accepted years ago that my mom had no use for me. At 10 years old she informed me that she couldnt believe god took johnny instead of me. I heard that for years. I would cry untill I matured and realized she was the one messed up not me.
Now I am 50 years old and taking the verbal abuse again. I hear about how fat I am and dumpy I am. I buy a new outfit and get told I look rediculous. I need some help trying to figure out how to get her out of here. I had to give her the pain meds back last week because she threatened to quit taking her other medicines and she would accuse me of keeping them from her. This is just the tip of the iceberg. Ive been happily married for 28 years to a wonderful man and have 2 beautiful daughters. We own our own home. She has her own room with a bath and never has anyone in my family not made her feel this wasnt her home too. We fix her plate every night, take her to dr. Appts, wash her clothes, and still she treats us this way. Anyone who can please guide me in the right direction I would be so grateful. I am so stressed. I cant sleep, ive gained 40 pounds and im tired everyday.
Have a blessed day
I agree with Jeanne about the heads up for the sisters. What if Mary isn't herself when they're there? Her behavior could startle and confuse them. If they know in advance, it may be better all around. And, once again, I agree with Jeanne, that it should be your fil to fill them in. I guess if he doesn't feel its necessary, then so be it.
Lisa - you are doing a marvellous job. The suggestions about informing the coming visitors are good.
On another note - mother started using a computer when she was abour 95. - 5 years agoShe has worn out the letters on many of the keys. We sent her a new set of "letters" which arrived today. It took her not more than an hour to figure out how replace them and do it. . Up till now she has had to go back and correct the misspelled words. Obviously her mind is working well..
Wow! She is about 100 now? still using computer?
Yep--mind still works...sad that things get so rotten emotionally!
That's gotta be some kind of record, though!
Mine's not that old by a long shot; her mind works--but it's all twisted up in complicated ways. And no way on earth she would ever use a computer--she barely uses the phone.
I totally understand grieving the death of relationship!
Mom made sure to cut me out of her herd
--which means 4 siblings all cut me out too, as well as Mom.
It is still hard to keep focused on that they took her outta here, and I wish them well. Over a year later, the hurts she inflicted, still make it hard for me to find and mend the shattered pieces. It had taken years to mend the first time I left home because of her behaviors; it is harder, now.
Keep working at it. Find helps wherever makes sense. I have listened to Oprah, get newsletters, gotten counseling [still do], looked online for things that can help.
PTSD from abusive relationships, can be helped, I am told, by using EMDR--a process a qualified counselor can help you with.
{{{hugs!}}}
Lisa -forgot to mention the bus excitement - Oh dear me!!! Bomb girl and bus accidents. You lead a dangerous life! Enjoy your visit with mil, and the great food the sisters are bringing. ((((hugs))))) Joan
Emjo - Do what you need to do ...distance from mother. therapy. Just when you finally settled down, something comes along and just throws you off.
Lisa - the things that happen while on the job. I, too, agree that the aunts are forewarned. Can you just see what happens if they are unaware and mil "acts up" on that day? take care!
You hang there (I quess) right now I dont know what to say.
@ Cattails: You are so wise. Your words are completely on target. Caregiving has as much to do with where the caregiver is, on her journey, as it has to do with the person who needs caregiving. I married a wonderful man 30 years ago. He married me even though I was very ill and was expected to die soon. surprise: I didn't go away! I was blessed with a gift for making the most of the cards I was dealt, and I love life. I have always felt I "owed" my husband's parents something I couldn't give them. I have always sensed that they have never been capable of loving me, except in terms of how I could fulfill their needs. Realizing this has taken a long time. Thus I've spent most of my marriage trying to be "super" daughter-in-law, despite severe personal health challenges and caregiving for my own parents who died in 1994 and 2001. It is painful and has taken a lot of reading of this entire thread to realize how pointless my attempts to earn in-law love have been. Nowadays when I feel compelled to do something for the in-laws that I know I'm gonna resent before I'm even finished, I can finally stop myself (sometimes) before I spiral down that hole. Even before my in-laws hit ages 88 and 94 and became as helpless and needy as they are now, I was always trying to win their approval by working hard enough to compensate for their seeing me as never good enough for their son. I still sense this, although they would never admit to it or even see it. I still have to stop myself from feeling guilty about their aging and decline. Mom-in-law has become quite adept at exploiting that. I apologize if I have gotten "off track" on this thread. I thought it pertained, when I started commenting. At any rate, thanks for listening to me. I feel a little better for having written that out.
You ladies rock and keep me on track with your stories.
Lisa, I do think it would be great if you FiL would give the sisters a heads up. It will be difficult enough, but if they were shocked by any unexpected behavior? That might be heartbreaking.
emjo, my now 74 mother could never even figure out how to get to voicemail on her cell phone, so your 100 year old mother using a computer is incredible. i pray i keep my faculties that long. too bad she can't learn how to love just as easily.
could, this will be the most helpful thread you will ever come across, do take the time to read through all of it. yes, it is long, but it will be worth the effort.
:D
Just another thought. If your husband needs to spend time with his parents, try to take care of a task of his at home so he is less stressed when he gets back. Maybe it's mowing the lawn or taking out the trash or whatever. Just let him know that you are trying to support him and ease his burden at home because you realize that he needs to deal with his folks on his own.....and he does. You need to be free of that loop and all the craziness. In the long run that probably makes it easier on him because he doesn't need to spend his time defending you to his mom. He can spend time with her and leave and come home to a loving home. It's good to have a safe place and you can give him that.
Sending you hugs, Cat
Gotta tell you my parking lot story for a laugh 0 ir another laugh...
Yesterday. Safeways parking lot was very full and a few cars were cruising around, as was I, looking for an empty spot. Suddenly a car backed up and i was in the right position to nip in and park. I noticed a young woman in a grey SUV stopped a little behind me, but paid her no attention until I got out of my car, when she opened her window and told me that she had been waiting for that spot. I hadn’t seen her, and told her so, and she drove off. I felt bad and was looking around the parking lot for her, when the car parked beside me, backed up and left. Aha, says this would-be good Samaritan, as I spotted a grey SUV bearing down from the right, and also a large menacing black 3/4 ton from the left that was closer. I screwed up my courage, stood in the spot, put my hand up to stop the 3/4 ton -did the traffic cop thing - and bravely waved the SUV into the parking spot. It parked and a grey haired man stepped out and said thank you! All I could mumble was “I thought you were someone else.” I got back into my car without steppihng a foot into the store, and went around the corner to shop at Sobey’s. I haven't had any trouble in their parking lot.
What a weird few days! Sorry I am no good for anyone tonight - not even myself, except maybe for a laugh.
still out of it - i suppose my head will clear eventually - has anyone else had this experience?
Your traffic cop incident reminded me of something that happened in my life about 38 years ago. My husband and I were just married and my son, from my first marriage, was 5 years old. Warren was a police officer for the Santa Barbara Police Department. He was a motor cop. So one morning, bright and early, we get a phone call from my husband's co-worker who lived a couple of streets away from us. He said, "Your child was in the middle of the street, partially dressed in your uniform and directing traffic. I told him he was doing a good job, but needed to go home." This was about 8am in the morning on a Saturday and we were sleeping in. We thanked Tom for the call and went into the living room. There was Nick watching cartoons. He had Warren's uniform shirt on, a whistle around his neck and his helmet on. Jeez, did we feel like shit parents.
Joan, I worry about you a little bit. You are a very wise person, but you have so much grief from Gordy's passing and that is understandable, of course, but you have to claim your life in this world. You have experienced a glimpse of the live after death and you know that it is real. Please rejoice in that and know that you will be with him again. In fact, you are with him now, as you know.
I'm sorry for all the crap your mom throws in your direction, but I think you are so right in putting that distance back into effect. She's fine in so many ways for someone her age. More so than many 20 or more years younger than her.
Live your life Joan and embrace all the now that you can. You are an amazing person with passion, intelligence and spirit. Use it up everyday and live in the moment.
Love and respect to you, my friend. Cat
Yes, you have had some weird days and that reaction to the antidepressant does not sound good at all and you are emotionally overloaded right now. Sometimes, meds that we have taken for a while loose their effectiveness and something else needs to be found. There are many different antidepressants. One of them with the least side effects is the one I take called wellbutrin.
I hope you sleep better tonight.
What's to worry cat? My life is here and now, the good and the bad stuff - it is what it is. Yes, I have had a glimpse of the next world, and know where my Gordie is, and where I am going. Once he came back to me in a dream, and gave me such a hug I felt it physically till 1/2 way through the next day. It was a time that I missed him so much, and his big bear hugs, I know those things come when you most need them. Gordie is still part of my life - the newer theories of grieving talk about the changed relationship you have with your loved one who has passed - not the end of the relationship. I am comfortable with that, and know that he and others are not far away, One night, about 3 months after he died, my mother woke up, and saw my father standing by her bedside - as he was at his best - She is not a person to "see things". When you lose a chld they are on your heart and mind daily - and that is OK. It is not like other losses. My other kids are on my heart and mind to -and that is OK.
John, I only took 2 pills of a single antidepressant (Luvox) that has worked well for me before - one two days ago and one this morning - not two different ones - never would! - Apparently some people react that way. Maybe a very small dose would work - not sure I want to try, or even that I really need it. This certainly didn't lose its effectiveness lol - but took me a little too far for comfort - or functionality anyway. It would be good to sleep well.
One day at a time - I will see what tomorrow brings. Hopefully, :) I will be in my right mind! :)
I'm sure the people I ate with that night got a hoot out of me getting stoned. BTW, wine does not really keep you warm in very cold snow skiing, it only masks how cold you are and inhibits your ability to ski.
john - yes booze does not mix well with antidepressants or with cold - you lose heat and get colder - that can be dangerous
think I have landed - in tact - check with you all tomorrow
My husband flies in tonight for 5 days. That'll be nice, although he irritated the crap out of me the last time I saw him. I swear, when I was dropping him off at the airport to go back to PA a few weeks ago, I was tempted just to swing through the departure drop off area and just push him out the door while the car was still moving and fling his bag out after him. Usually, the day he leaves is a sad day for me. Not this last time!
My middle boy is here for the weekend from school. He got here last night.The kitchen has already been filled with hungry 19 yr old boys. They're like a swarm of locusts - they descend on the kitchen and eat everything there in just minutes. Its incredible. It'll be good to have some people in the house again. Just me and the youngest boy is a bit too lonely.
Have a nice weekend! I'm looking forward to your next update. xx, J.
So Lisa, can u teach Judy n I how to make the dumplings- she's got teens to fill, n I'm tired of the same stuff over n over. Hope Mary lunch is nice. Smart to give positives in there too-sure u both need that. Doug's a KA MAN, no tights needed; doug where r u ?? Joan, glad the parking didnt end in crazy road rage, n hey, the driver was probably thinking: "hey, look at that hot lady" n working up nerve to ask for a date. U disappointed by escaping to other store, I'm sure!! Cat, hope ur feeling better, is it warm enough to still get in your yard work? Hope so , n that you r beginning to get rested up n restored-n not too busy w estate issues n all that involves. Book: glad we could make em laugh! BWJ, nice to have u w us. Hope I didn't miss any body, cause I luv u all. Had a great middle of night party w mom. She up to use bathroom, I sorting big box of photo/Fam mementos to go w us for activity. Came upon bro's "My life" assignment at age 13. We stayed up reading n laughing for 2 hours. One of the highlights of her stay. I snapped lots of pix as she read n enjoyed so bro n SIL can see her enjoyment. It so made the hard stuff worth it! Hope we can get her safely to beach. Sis is suggesting hospice eval on return home, will talk to mom so she has i put 1st. Back to "work" for now, my nails r dry! hugs n joy. Kimbee