Two years this July my mother has been living with me. She is a mean and hateful woman and I just can't do it anymore.

Lisa I hope all is well and you;re just busy with happy and fun things, like a happy MIL lunch!

Hi ladies (and gents too)--you all know my little history and my decision to cut all ties with my mother, and a few associated people in the family who shall remain nameless. As I've said on other posts, she has alienated everyone--all except her one son (my half brother) and his wife. The only other person who still catered to her despite her own serious health issues is her first cousin, (and of course, my 2nd) who I will call Jane. Jane is a Christian woman in every sense of the word and tolerated my mother's whims, and of course, my mother abused her kindness every chance she got. The only person who has actually visited my mother since she moved into assisted living is Jane (but more because she was summoned to do this or that for her). My brother and dear sister in law with whom she lived no longer associate with her either. As I said, everyone, alienated, but dear Jane. Jane was a person who was so kind, she couldn't say no to anyone and was all things to all people, even in her family. Just pure good. The half bro lives a distance so I know he cannot be much help or companionship to her, either.

Well, about a week ago Jane had to have a heart operation and she came through it well. Jane has always been way younger than what she looked, more vital, and still working. I called their house and spoke to Jane's son on Mon. so I could find out if she was out of ICU and he said she was, now in a private room, and about to be moved to rehab until mid Oct. I was elated she was doing as well as she was and now I knew where my brother and sister in law and I could send her some flowers, or fruit, whatever. On Tuesday, I opened an email (from her own address, but coming from her daughters) who said that their mother died unexpectedly early that morning, not understanding at all what happened, when all thought she was coming along fine. I can only imagine the feeling of loss my mother must be feeling, knowing someone she has been so close to for the last 70 years is gone now. I am happy to be separated from her, but you have no idea how I wish we had the kind of relationship that I could have rushed to her side and hugged her over the loss of her cousin. I gasped when I opened that email and I have felt such grief all week, as she was truly a wonderful person I loved very much, as did her family. I am assuming the half brother must have broken the news to my mother and I'm sure she wailed and will genuinely miss Jane. And sadly, now, she truly has NO one to come to her aid, for much of anything.

My grief now is that I will be going only to the funeral mass tomorrow, and I will not walk up to a coffin and see her laying there. I refuse to remember my dear, beautiful cousin lifeless. I also am dealing with the fact that my mother will be in that church and as cowardly as it seems, I will arrive late, stay in the rear of the church with my husband and leave before they recess. I hope all of you will keep Jane's family in prayer, and also, keep me in prayer tomorrow morning as I'm very nervous about attending this! Love you guys, PJ xo

Aww punch. I'm so sorry for your loss. Prayers coming across the miles. Lisa

I'm so sorry for your loss of this important family member, punch, and also for not being able to comfort your mother and share her grief. I wish it could be different, but it isn't. Do your best tomorrow.
Jeanne

Thank you, Lisa. My stomach has been in knots since Tuesday. I actually thought maybe I could skip this funeral altogether, but my conscience says 'no.' I adored my cousin very much. xoxox

Kim, have a great vacation!!!

Well, spending the day with mil was a bust. She wasn't in the mood for lunch. Could not get her to leave the house for nothing. She was really feeling down today. So we were able to clean some and could tell her anxiety level was spiking. I'm not sure but it seems like she was feeling like she wasn't in control. Fil was going to finish the vacuuming with her later. So we stopped and just visited with them. Huge change in her when we sat down. Fil said he talked to his sister. I hope they all have a good time. Mary remembers they are visiting. Hasn't forgotten at all.

(((((((punch)))))) prayers are with you. You are doing the right thing for you, I think, Missing funerals of people we love can have have negative effects on us.

Lisa - hope you had a great lunch. and will have good visits with fils sisters. ((((hugs))))

Sorry PunchNJudy about the loss of your cousin. I wish you the best. Since she was a christian woman, she had a positive impact on your Mom. Maybe, your Mom will want to be more like her and things may turn around so that relationship you desire would be possible. Prayers to you.

Rough week, Punch. I'm sorry. I hope the funeral and trying to avoid your mother doesn't add to the stress and grief.

I'm so sorry, Punch. Take care of yourself tomorrow and remember you are there to honor Jane's life and memory. Sending you love and white light. Cat

Punch....so sry to read of ur cousins passing....Jst keep in ur thoughts, that ur going 2moro, to honor ur cousin, n try to keep the issues u have with ur mother, separate. I'm sure she is in tremendous grief, but ur presence at the funeral is for closure for urself...My prayers r with u...

Judy, I'm so sorry about your cousin Jane. Hugs to you!!!

Kimbee – Enjoy your vacation! I think beach is over-rated – but this is from a person who is terrified of the water, so, don’t take offense of my opinion. ;) … Just be careful with the sunburn. I always feel so sorry when I see the tourists walking around with skin the color of lobster. OUCH!! I think these hotels need to put some pointers on the guests’ doors about the proper way of sunbathing on the beach (sand also reflects the sunlight, water reflects the sunlight…so 3 elements burning you into super red color!)

Punch---My heart goes out to you. I know how awful it is not to have a normal relationship with your mother so that you could comfort her in this time of need. But just remember....Your 2nd cousin was a GODLY person who did all FOR all. We know where she is going...God needs angels like her!!! Do your best at the funeral to celebrate/honor the life Jane had and all that she gave unselfishly of herself. My thoughts are with you, dear.

Judy, i am so sorry about the loss of your cousin. she sounds like an amazing woman. i'm glad you have decided to attend the funeral; these things do bring a certain amount of closure.

Kimbee, thank you. *smile* i hope you have a great vacation and it brings you some relaxation that you can carry home with you for a while. you're right about little escape artist stories, i do think everyone has one.

Cat, i wish i had seen your son direct traffic; it must have been adorable! i have an escape story for my little sister. she was eighteen months old i think. my job was to get her up in the morning, change her diaper, feed her breakfast, and put her back down to bed before i left for school in the morning. school was at 9am. my mother worked the 3pm-12am shift and slept in til noon. well, apparently my little sister woke up early and decided that she wanted to go to school. still in a diaper and t-shirt, she put on my little brother's football helmet, grabbed his football, opened the door and walked the very long block up the street to school. she crossed the street and was found wandering around in the parking lot by a couple of mothers. they carried her from class to class hoping that someone would recognize her. they didn't get as far as my brother and i in the upper grades, one of the two little boys who lived next door to us told the moms who she was and where she lived. my mother was woken up by two moms who handed her baby Jennifer. she was horribly embarrassed. i got blamed for not locking the door; of course. i found out later that Jennifer could twist the latch, lolz. sneaky little girl! her guardian angel was working overtime that day!!!

Lisa, sometimes there are bad days like the lunch with Mary, but both of you are still looking forward to the sister's visit and this is good.

goodness cmagnum, i sure am glad your dad came in and shut the window!!!

Well Joan, that was a hell of a ride you took, LOL! i looked up luvox and it doesn't mention stoned, but it does mention agitation, hallucinations, drowsiness, dizziness, anxiety. you should contact your doctor, especially if you experienced the first two.

they have doubled my gabapentin (neurontin), and put me on tramadol for my leg pain. i've been in a bit of a stupor since then. haven't felt comfortable enough to drive home, so i have stayed at my friend David's place. at least the pain is halved.

walking is still a problem as the muscle weakness has not been addressed yet. i limp and all my other injuries act up. hip bursitis x2, chondromalacia patella x2, old calf muscle tear, and a new knot in the opposite calf muscle. two doctors, different opinions, tests not all in. perhaps nerve inflammation, perhaps nerve pinched. waiting for a nerve conduction test, but EMG clinic booked through january, hoping for a cancellation. if some kind of treatment is not begun very soon, this will be permanent.

i am praying a nice weekend for everyone, God Bless!

Lisa - guess we posted about the same time - didn't see that Friday wasn't so good. (((((hugs))))) Part of the new reality. It would be hard for Mary to realise what was happening. I remember the period when my father (vascular dementia) realized that he was declining. It was difficult and made more so by my mother's denial, and refusal to let him talk about how he felt. He wanted to be sure we all would be alright when he was gone. It was much easier for him once he declined to the point where he didn't have as much awareness. Hope the sister's visit is/was good.
((((((((punch))))))) let us know how it goes - thinking of you - I know it is hard
kim - enjoy the beach for me - I wish. 45 degrees here and we are lucky to have that and sunshine. Hope you get some additional help for mum's care
cat, kim, pam - LOL the football helmet -the escape stories remind me of Gordie aged about 2. One of the older kids had bought him/her self a packet of chips, and Gordie wanted one for himself. We told him that after supper we would take him to the corner store, and get one. It was summer and he was running around in a diaper. After supper, someone noticed that he wasn't around. I went down the street, and asked a man on the corner lot who was working in his garden if he had seen a little boy in diapers. he nodded and pointed down the street. There, in the distance, I could see a little figure with the sun glinting off something he was carrying. Yes, it was Gordie, carrying a bag of chips! He walked to the store, barefoot, crossed two intersections, walked up the steps (the kind with spaces) of the corner store, helped himself to a small packet of chips and was coming back home. I met him, took him by the hand, walked him back to the store, instructed him to replace the chips, and explained to him that they had to be paid for, that he could not just take them. The lady behind the counter, and the other customers were stifling laughter. Then we walked home. He was very independent in some ways. If he was on meds and we didn't give him his dose at the "right" time (according to Gordie), he would climb up on the counter and help himself. We had to take him to the ER a couple of times till we found out how to lock the meds away safely. We not only had to put a lock on the cabinet, but had to hang the key where he could not possibly get at it, or he would find it and unlock the cabinet. It was a surprise as the previous 3 kids never did anything like that.
pam - it was a ride!!! I was on Luvox for years, but never had that reaction. I haven't taken any more, and am not likely to quickly. I have read that it can cause mood swings, which is basically what happened. If I feel I need it, I will talk to my doc. Neurotin is a strong drug, and so is Tramadol. Praying that the docs find the answer, and start treatment soon. Hope you adjust to the new doses, and "get with it" enough to drive.
I'm dealing with old and new emotional pain re mother, and Gordie's b'day coming up. Mother wants to chat as if nothing was said - can't do it. It has triggered old pain. I told my counsellor I wanted to be rid of the old pain - to unload it. She said we will talk about that next visit. I need to get past it as much as I can - take more steps in the healing journey - which, it seems, lasts a lifetime.

Joan, wish I could be there to hold your hand, and give u a big ole hug.

Punch, hope you made it thru the day ok. I understand not wanting to see your mom. Lord do I understand. Thinking of you and sending you and Joan prayers for the difficult week ahead. Lisa

Joan: Sending you hugs and warm wishes. Love, Cat

Punch: Hope you check in and let us know how you are. Cat

I have an escape story, too. My brother wasn't in diapers -- he was perhaps 3 and could not yet say his full name correctly. It was summer and two of my sisters did their usual walk about a mile to a public swimming pool. Unknown to them, little brother decided to follow them. When he was discovered to be missing the kids still at home did a quick search of the neighborhood and Ma called the city police. Older children from the neighborhood joined the search and as it broadened in ever-widening circles our panic increased. The nearby park included woods and ravines. Oh my! The few neighborhood mothers who had cars at home in the daytime began to search and my father came home to also search. Local radio stations were called and asked to broadcast a plea to be on the lookout for this missing child. Most of them did. My mother was glued to the phone. No luck. We lived in the city, but on the border with a suburb. In fact the swimming pool was in the suburb. A neighbor finally suggested that we call the suburban police. Oh surely the city police have done that, knowing where our house was. Nope, they hadn't. And that station said yes, they'd had a resident call in with a report of a small child playing in front of her house. She took him in. OMG! My parents flew over there. And the lady said, "Didn't you even miss him? He's been here two hours!" I don't think this could happen in this day of Amber Alerts -- at least I hope not. For once none of us older kids were embarrassed to be the talk of the neighborhood. We were just glad for the happy ending to the story.

Loved the story, Jeanne. I remember when I, being the oldest, was a child and my mom went to the store up the street from us. She drove and we all went with her. Then we drove back home. A little bit later, my brother David, walked in the front door. He was the youngest and he was pretty pissed off to be left behind and have to walk home from the store. How could all of us have not noticed that he was not in the car for the drive home? Aww, different world now. Still it is funny.
My mom laughed about that until the day she passed. Love, Cat.

I might add that my mother was a basket case for about a week after that event.

To everyone--a very good Sunday evening to all. First of all, I want to say 'thank you' so much from the bottom of my heart for the well wishing, prayers, hugs and love. Will you believe me when I tell you the things you said to me went with me and I remembered them and can tell you seriously how much it helped me so I have such gratitude for your support, every one of you!!

Well, I managed to get to the church and did not have to interact or even lay eyes on the mother, the brother or his 'witch' wife. We sat in the back, as did my other brother and his wife (the ones I adore) and they and we left early enough to avoid them. Sadly, though, I was not able to hug the family, but like I had mentioned, I was there to honor the memory of my cousin and was satisfied I did. Her sons spoke as did one daughter (there are 5 children total) and I was proud of the fine family she and her husband raised...but so very sad at the same time. In retrospect, it seemed this woman really had very bad "doctor luck."

We had made a promise to friends to help them unpack and move into their new home over this weekend, and so we left directly from funeral mass to their home about an hour and half away. It was great having the entire weekend filled. I don't mind telling you I was very stressed going in and felt such relief when it ended.

Jeanne--what a story! That poor mother - she must have had 10 yrs. shaved off her life in the course of those few hours. What we have to endure as mothers is mind blowing, isn't it? Some day I will tell you the story of my own son when he was little and what a real little 'escape artist' he was and how I couldn't keep that kid in the house! LOL

LOVE YOU ALL very MUCH. Cat--I hope all is going well for you, and you know I am thinking about you and keeping you in my prayers. xox PJ

Punch: Good to hear from you and I'm so glad you got to the mass and through the service with no issues. I understand you sadness at the difference in families, but you were all blessing to have Jane in your life, even your mom. Sometimes we just have to take comfort where we can find it. Jane provided that to all lives she graced and that is exceptional and worth celebrating. Just know she loved you too and her spirit is with you. I'm sure she understands more than you could ever imagine.

Thanks for thinking of me, Punch. I'm doing ok. Sometimes it hard to really know how I'm doing, but I think I'm ok.

Love and Hugs, Cat

Cat, hugs back to you and thanks for the kind words. I know it is very, very hard getting through these first few months and the holidays coming up and all, but know we are surrounding you with our "virtual love" through the transition. Grieve as long as you want, cry when you feel like it and never let anyone tell you it's 'time to move on' because only we can determine when that period comes to a close. xoxox PJ

Hi Punch: Thanks for the kind words. I had a really nice day yesterday. In fact, it was a great day. Hubby and I went to Seattle. We live in western Washington, on the peninsula, so there are bodies of water that we have to cross to get to Seattle. We can drive it, but it takes 2 to 2 1/2 hours depending on traffic. The really nice way to take the trip is to drive 1hr 20 min to Bainbridge Island and then leave the car and take the ferry. You can take your car on the ferry, but you may find yourself having to wait another 45 minutes for the next ferry if your car is not at the front of the line. Then you have to fight all the traffic, road construction, rerouting of traffic and finding even paid parking is a nightmare, not to mention very expensive.

Since we had no pressing time line, we went the easy, relaxing way. The weather was so perfect and the Puget Sound was full of sail boats. The water just glittered and it reminded you how beautiful life is and good it is to be here to enjoy these moments. The store that we needed to go to was in downtown, just a mile or two from the ferry station, so we hoofed it up to the location and realized it had been closed down. The concierge at the complex where this store was "previously" located told us it had been consolidated with the University Village store some 5 miles away. So we took a cab to UV, went to the store and ordered our new headboard for our bed and then did a walk about. Found a beautiful duvet for our bed and called the cab to get us back to down town. Had him drop us off at 6th and Pine so we could enjoy the walk to Pikes Market. They have my favorite balsamic vinegar so we stopped there and picked up a couple of bottles and headed to the ferry station. Just missed the 4 pm ferry by minutes, but who cares. We ordered turkey sandwiches at Subway (inside the terminal) and enjoyed our time together while we waited for the 4:40 pm ferry. Back on the ferry, the scene was the same. Unbelievable beautiful weather and sailboats galore. Easy drive home and I must say, I felt 10 years younger. It also reminded me of how much I love my husband. Holding hands, breathing the sea air and just getting to enjoy being alive in the moment. Loved the walking and Pike's Market is such a great place. Tons of fresh produce, fresh fish, flower bouquets. All in all, just a perfect day.

Jeanne: I read your blog today. I'm so happy you and your hubby got to take that drive and see the fall colors. With both my parents gone now, I realize caring for them has changed me. I'm more able to see the end of my life in a way I didn't before. Maybe it is just part of the grieving process, but I think there is also a big dose of reality in there too. I so appreciate how you honor your husband. You give me an example to follow and I thank you for that. I wish I could give you something back in return.

Judy: How are things with your sister's visit? I know she loves veal. Bring us up to date as only you can. Don't spare any gory details. We want a long blab from you.

Sending all of you love and the whitest of light. Cat

Wow cat! That sounded like the most perfect day! Every once in a while Doug and I have a " date day" it's been so long and I miss doing that. Sooo, it's time to give him a call at the office and set up a personal day at work. Your trip sounds so romantic.

Things quiet with pil's. They had a terrific visit with the sisters and fil said Mary was great. And before you ask, yes I got some chicken and dumplings. Heeheehee.

Punch, glad you made it to the service. Kimbee: hope vacations going great. Joan: holding you close to my heart and sending you love and strength.

Cat, that was the description of the perfect day--what can be better than having time to enjoy the beauty of the world, good health, and best of all, sharing it with someone you love more than anyone else on earth. God bless--please have more days like this! You have EARNED the privilege and how nice that you are taking time to 'smell the flowers.' Sometimes a death of a loved one really drives home the point that life is too short to stress over things and to not sweat the small stuff. xoxox PJ

cat -what a wonderful day. Life is short. We never know what is around the corner and need to take times like that. I call them islands of peace, and try to carve them out of every day, be it only time cuddling Toonie, having 2 squares of sugar free chocolate with my coffee, and listening to good music. It refreshes the soul.
Lisa - so glad that pils had such a great visit, and that Mary was at her best, AND you got some chicken and dumplings. For anyone who is interested I have a fool proof fluffy dumpling recipe which always works for me. I got it from a friend years ago. Thanks for prayers. As I mentioned on the dysfun fam thread. my bigger heart ache right now is my daughter, who in my view is depessed, and needs meds, and counseling. Her doc suggested counselling to her a year ago, and he is not outspoken at all. Basically I am not welcome in her house (her only, I am good with sil and the grandkids), because, in her view, I am too negative. She has no friends. The one she had here for 10 years she dumped in the spring because of something the friend said, and then came running to me for sympathy. This is the child I have given the most to, in material and maybe other things, which may have been a mistake.I think she is like her grandmother. Her brothers would agree. She is estranged from one of them too. I am letting it all wash over me - not much I can do. I may write her a letter one of these days expressing my concerns. I am a little worried for my grandchildren, but will keep up the contact with them. I would appreciate prayers..
Punch -you are so right that sometimes the death of a loved one drives home the point that life is too short to stress over the small things..Losing Gordie changed my perspective in a way that was a gift. Some things became so much less important, and others much more so.
God is good, He has lifted me up and I am thankful, as is appropriate for the season -and amongst other things, very thankful for all of you. (((((((hugs)))))))

Emjo, you have my prayers and my cyber friendship, for sure. Good for you for not allowing the issue with your daughter and her apparent social issues. As long as you know they are not your fault and there is not a whole lot you can do to change it, you are ahead of the game. Your grandchildren will be more resilient than you think, but keeping the lines open with them will be a help to them and to you too, i.e., if you are able to get close to them.

Hugs back to you, and know we are praying! I am so happy I found this site--it's my little refuge when I feel badly about things. PJ (PS shoot that recipe over to this site/here--I would love to have it!)

Joan: I am sorry about your daughter and how she is responding to you. It's not fair and I can understand that it is painful for you. I hope she will decide to get some help in time. Just let her know you love her and keep a low profile. Maybe you can have the grand kids for an over night one at a time. Then they get individual attention. Put them to work helping with your fabulous chutneys, etc.
Grandmothers can be fabulous supporters. My GM was my best friend.

I wish you happiness and peace, Joan. This being Gordy's birthday, let us all celebrate the people that blessed our lives too.

Love and Hugs, Cat