My mother moved in with me when my oldest sister dies who lived with her. My brother died when I was 9. My mother and 2 sisters have been addicted to pain meds for years. One sister comitted suicide and the other who lived with mom died when her colon died. Her body couldnt even process the pain meds anymore. Years ago I made the decision to walk away and would only hear from mom when the oldest sister drained her accounts . When she died my moms accountwas charged 983 dollars in overdraft charges alone. So my only option was to move her in. She was in the hole over 2000.00. My husband and I discussed it. We felt this may be a chance to form a friendship if nothing else.
It has been a battle since after the first 3 months. When she accused my daughters fiance of stealing her pain pills I took control of them. She is forced to go to a pain management dr to get her pain meds every 3 months. She goes in my room searching for them while we work. She accuses me of stealing her money. There is nothing wrong with my moms mind. Just this month alone she has spent 732.00 at qvc. She has spent 1000's with qvc since shes been here. Mom has copd and has oxegen in her room. In comes the worst of the argument. She smokes a pack a day in her bedroom and often dosent turn the oxegen off. Im terrified she will cause an explosion and kill us with her. When I take the cigs it turns into a horrible argument. My mother has treated her grandchildren so horribly none have been to my home for 2 years. She has a sister who will not even answer her phone when she calls. She asked a cousin if she could move in and was told no. So she informed me that I would have to have a judge remove her from my home. I accepted years ago that my mom had no use for me. At 10 years old she informed me that she couldnt believe god took johnny instead of me. I heard that for years. I would cry untill I matured and realized she was the one messed up not me.
Now I am 50 years old and taking the verbal abuse again. I hear about how fat I am and dumpy I am. I buy a new outfit and get told I look rediculous. I need some help trying to figure out how to get her out of here. I had to give her the pain meds back last week because she threatened to quit taking her other medicines and she would accuse me of keeping them from her. This is just the tip of the iceberg. Ive been happily married for 28 years to a wonderful man and have 2 beautiful daughters. We own our own home. She has her own room with a bath and never has anyone in my family not made her feel this wasnt her home too. We fix her plate every night, take her to dr. Appts, wash her clothes, and still she treats us this way. Anyone who can please guide me in the right direction I would be so grateful. I am so stressed. I cant sleep, ive gained 40 pounds and im tired everyday.
Have a blessed day
I am happy to hear you have more help now and that your mother's dr. is checking out why her bp is low. My sis has low bp and her energy level is low because the more active she is (walking around) the lower it goes. No real answers as to why other than possibly due to diabetes nerve damage. She passed out in a store once because of it, luckily another customer was a paramedic off duty so he helped her. She just has to monitor her activity level since medication doesn't seem to work for her. She does take a steroid which helps but not all the time and she also drinks diet pepsi with caffeine which helps but again not all the time. I hope the dr. finds something to help your mother. Hugs to you and have a great weekend!!
Another suggestion would be that you start at the beginning of this "thread" that Lisa (Survived2) started and follow her journey. Most of us here took that journey with her, trying to be supportive and loving, while she and her wonderful family made changes in their lives and moved her mom out of their home. It's a very inspiring story and a very good read.
As for your question, clearly a problem exists. Your mom lives with you, she has dementia, and your sisters take most if not all of her money. Plus, your mom complains that she doesn't like living with you.
You really can't reason with a person who has dementia and you can't reason with sisters who take advantage of her. What you can do is set limits to what you will tolerate. If I were you, I would call Adult Protective Services and explain what is going on. Ask them to come to your home and interview your mom. Have them ask her about her money and her concerns that it is being stolen. Don't give your sisters any advance warning that you are calling APS and arranging for them to interview your mom.
My hope would be that APS can see your mom's confusion about where her money is going and take some steps to then interview your sisters as to what they are doing with her money.
Is your mom getting good medical care? Has a doctor diagnosed her with dementia? Have you gone to any medical appointments with her and sat in on them, getting a clear understanding of her medical issues? Or does you sister with the Medical POA keep you out of the loop?
My concern is first that your mom is being victimized by two of your sisters and second that mom and your sisters are making your life very difficult. No on can change this but you.
It's your house and you have the right to say what goes on in your home. If you are seeing abuse you should be reporting it. This may upset your sisters and maybe even mom will be upset eventually as your sisters will probably tell her unkind things about you.
It's not easy, but you have to consider taking steps or just living this life day in and day out. It won't change until something changes. If your mom truly has dementia and it surely sounds like she does, her medical issues will only get worse.
I don't know if she has always been mean to you or if this is a result of the dementia and confusion. Regardless, she needs to see a specialist who truly understands dementia. Possibly there are some drugs that can lessen her symptoms. She also needs a new POA for finances and medical.
Those are my beginning thoughts. More information from you would be helpful.
Cat
My knee: feeling much better, but there's something definitely going on in that kneecap. I'm really going to try to build the courage to go have it checked out. I'm so dam scared of drs. Doug and Jen told me they'll go with me and stay with me every minute. Pitiful, isn't it? All I can think about is if I need some type of surgery there comes the pain pills. I hate them. After DQ and sibs, I have anxiety even thinking about taking a narcotic.
Ray and Mary: ray has finally been released to have his skin cancer removed from his face after a 5 month delay. Took them their paper this morning, and of course took bandit too. Just makes their day. Mary would not talk at all and I ask what's up Mary? Are you upset with me? Ray chimed in and said no. If she opens her mouth to talk you'll hear how sick she is. WW3 began. Shut up ray!!! Well crap! She's just gotten over being mad at me over lung dr and here we go again. I walked to the kitchen and I heard her tell ray, "see, the tattle tales going to call Doug and Pam!" wel duh. Heeheehee. So I stayed tilled Pam and Doug pulled in. Now I've seen what animal therapy does for nursing homes. So I picked bandit up and put him in her lap. I'm telling you girls, she calmed her ass right down. Just loving on him and telling him what an f---ing tattletales his momma is. Ray and I both walked in the other room covering our mouths. If I could have got a video of her and bandit I swear I would find a way to get it to each and every one of you. All of you know how much ray and Mary mean to me. But sometimes the things she does and says is so freaking funny. As they walked in, I walked out. Doug asked why are you leaving. Well honey, I have your dad for his surgery Thursday. It's your turn. Turnout: called dr emergency number. They picked up prescription and he will see her in his office tomorrow.
The end! I've taken soup I made and froze, and fixin her much loved corn bread and Jen and Chris will take it over when it's ready. They are the only ones who hasn't pissed her off today. Hahahahaha.
Jeanne: thinking of you and holding you close to my heart! , lisa
I'm echoing Cat here, "take care of that kneee and keep us posted."
Cat calls me her "cheese eating friend" because I ratted out a couple of bible thumping negative Nancy's on another thread to the gods of AC. I'm thinking maybe you're really the cheese eater though. Just ask Mary! Hahahaha!
Wish I was there for that corn bread (and cheese). But, even my fat jeans are feeling snug now. Ugh.
Dont be gone so long the next time!
I lost about 10 lbs., then put some on during the week we were with Rick and Cyn. I'm getting close again to the 10lb mark. Weather has been rainy, plus my walking neighbor, the one who is moving, has been so busy and gone part of the time to visit her daughter in Alaska for TG. Her house is empty now, so she is staying at a friends house in the interim.
Warren and I are going to get involved in a gym. He has volunteered to be my new walking partner, but winter weather isn't the best. Maybe the gym for the winter.
Just had a mental picture flash into my head. How about a group counseling session with everyone connected by headphones and working out on the ellipticals. Kill two birds with one stone, so to speak. Maybe Kimbee could be our leader.
I'm weighing in at 169 right now. Down from 178. Perfect for me would be 137, but I'd be thrilled with 140. It's just about our health.
Hey girls, I got my hair cut the other day. Had it in a bob cut for some time, but just tired of it. My hair is really thick, so I went for layers. OMG, does it look better. I love it and I'm kind of a blow (don't get carried away) dry girl. It works and it makes me feel better. Hubby loves it.
It's always something. Then my dad living with us, bless him. We can only be so good. Give too much in one area, going to pay for it in another.
Well, like I said, a group workout session.
You are stronger than you think my friend!
Just saw this posting and was wondering how things are going?
I ‘m a caregiver, several of us worked for a lady IDENTICALLY like your Mother.
one of the caregivers thought she was having a nervous breakdown, her Doctor Told her,
OLD PEOPLE DO NOT BECOME MEAN SUDDENLY BECAUSE THEY BECAME OLD..
NO THESE TYPE OF PEOPLE HAVE BEEN MEAN ALL THEIR LIFE, YOUNGER YEARS. THIS CONDITION IS FOLLOWED INTO THEIR OLDER YEARS. ..THEY ARE PREDISPOSITION BEHAVIORS…
SO IF YOU’RE A NICE PERSON IN YOUR YOUNGER YEARS YOU WILL BE A NICE PERSON WHEN YOU BECOME OLD…
I GIVE YOU PROPS!! VERBAL ABUSE IS SO HORRIBLE!!
I HOPE THINGS ARE GOING GOOD FOR YOU.
IF YOU ARE STILL HAVING ISSUES WITH HER,[AND I USE THE WORD HER CAUSE SHE DOES NOT DESERVE THE TITLE OF MOTHER, SHE LOST THAT YEARS AGO FOR WHAT SHE DID TO YOU!]
CALL THE PUBLIC GUARDIAN OFFICE IN YOUR COUNTY, AND HAVE THE STATE TAKE CONTROL MAKE HER A WORD OF THE STATE. END OF STORY PROBLEM SOLVED.
REMEMBER YOU OWE HER NOTHING ZERO DON’T FALL INTO GUILT TRIP.
SHE’S NOT NOW NOR NEVER HAS BEEN YOUR MOTHER. THEY SAY WHEN YOU HAVE A TUMOR YOU CUT IT OUT, YOU JUST CUT OUT THAT TUMOR, IT’S DEAD AND GONE. SHE WAS YOUR TUMOR!!
NOW GO LOOK INTO THE MIRROR, .....
THAT MY DEAR FRIEND IS A TRUE ‘MOTHER’!
YOU ARE SO MUCH BETTER THAN HER.
YOU MUST HAVE A GUARDIAN ANGEL PROTECTING YOU FOR ALL THE YEARS OF ABUSE, BECAUSE YOU ARE EVERYTHING SHE IS NOT.
PAY IT FORWARD TO YOUR CHILDREN. :)
YOU ARE ONE HELL OF A WOMAN, WIFE, MOTHER, ..!!!
...Cat? What about me?