My mother moved in with me when my oldest sister dies who lived with her. My brother died when I was 9. My mother and 2 sisters have been addicted to pain meds for years. One sister comitted suicide and the other who lived with mom died when her colon died. Her body couldnt even process the pain meds anymore. Years ago I made the decision to walk away and would only hear from mom when the oldest sister drained her accounts . When she died my moms accountwas charged 983 dollars in overdraft charges alone. So my only option was to move her in. She was in the hole over 2000.00. My husband and I discussed it. We felt this may be a chance to form a friendship if nothing else.
It has been a battle since after the first 3 months. When she accused my daughters fiance of stealing her pain pills I took control of them. She is forced to go to a pain management dr to get her pain meds every 3 months. She goes in my room searching for them while we work. She accuses me of stealing her money. There is nothing wrong with my moms mind. Just this month alone she has spent 732.00 at qvc. She has spent 1000's with qvc since shes been here. Mom has copd and has oxegen in her room. In comes the worst of the argument. She smokes a pack a day in her bedroom and often dosent turn the oxegen off. Im terrified she will cause an explosion and kill us with her. When I take the cigs it turns into a horrible argument. My mother has treated her grandchildren so horribly none have been to my home for 2 years. She has a sister who will not even answer her phone when she calls. She asked a cousin if she could move in and was told no. So she informed me that I would have to have a judge remove her from my home. I accepted years ago that my mom had no use for me. At 10 years old she informed me that she couldnt believe god took johnny instead of me. I heard that for years. I would cry untill I matured and realized she was the one messed up not me.
Now I am 50 years old and taking the verbal abuse again. I hear about how fat I am and dumpy I am. I buy a new outfit and get told I look rediculous. I need some help trying to figure out how to get her out of here. I had to give her the pain meds back last week because she threatened to quit taking her other medicines and she would accuse me of keeping them from her. This is just the tip of the iceberg. Ive been happily married for 28 years to a wonderful man and have 2 beautiful daughters. We own our own home. She has her own room with a bath and never has anyone in my family not made her feel this wasnt her home too. We fix her plate every night, take her to dr. Appts, wash her clothes, and still she treats us this way. Anyone who can please guide me in the right direction I would be so grateful. I am so stressed. I cant sleep, ive gained 40 pounds and im tired everyday.
Have a blessed day
(((((((marylee))))) . Is your dad in hospital? Have you spoken to the doctors, and or social workers about doing a thorough evaluation of his needs and ability to live alone? Document what has happened and share it with them. I agreed with this disease being demonic, but I would not include that in your documentation. Be objective about what you write down, and show that your dad's behaviours are getting worse, and that he cannot care for himself. Earlier, you mentioned feces. If he cannot care for his bathroom needs, he certainly needs help. Document that. If he is increasingly emotionally abusive to your mum and other family members, document that. Again, be objective in what you write down. Please rein in your emotions as much as you can when you are talking to the professionals. I believe that you will get more cooperation if you are calm. If you anticipate an emotional scene there is more likely to be one – self-fulfilling prophecy. You are advocating for your mum, and for your dad. I know the "hurt child" in you comes to the fore, but if you can assure that hurt child, that you, the adult have decided to stop the abuse to you (which you say you have), and that you are keeping "hurt child" safe, then, as the adult you can do your job as advocate. Is your brother and/or other family members involved in advocating? Work out between you who is the best one to represent the issues and needs. Breath deep, decide to be calm, do the best you can, and anticipate success. There is a solution - keep pressing for it. ((((((hugs)))) and come back and let us know how it goes. Joan
Good morning all! At least it is +3 and not a minus number here. The deer were on the lawn again looking for tender shoots. My cedar has been trimmed again. The snow removal crews have been working since last night ( not sure if they took a break) and there is a huge windrow of dirty snow in the middle of the street that will be removed eventually. Off to get my thyroid checked today. I am wondering if it is high, considering that I am up and at it, before finishing my first coffee. ;-)
Some good news. As well as mother giving me the number of her friend so I can find out about this move, my dd, has invited us to join them and others for supper after Christmas. I obtained tickets for "The Buddy Holly" story, and we will leave for the south from their house for a couple of days in E'town and the dinner theatre. Hopefully we can arrange a Christmas visit to mother too.
Thinking of everyone.
Cat, I know this Christmas will bring up many memories for you, and some "missing".
Jude, do some good things for you - just for you. Not your kids , not your mum, nor anyone else - just for you. You deserve that.
Kimbee - I miss you!! Hope you are managing well. I know you are terribly busy.
Jeanne, I know this Christmas will be very different for you without your beloved Coy. Have you something planned? I remember the first Christmas without Gordie. He was the elephant in the room that no one would look at. I think you will do better than that.
austin - having that tragedy so close to you must make it harder, and you are still grieving over your mum's death. No matter how negative the relationship has been, there is still grief to deal with.
Everyone - love, hugs and prayers, and have a good day. Joan
I know that conventional wisdom says holidays are the worst times for the recently bereaved. That must be true in many cases, maybe most. What I experienced when Dad died was a little different. My family of origin is large and when we get together there are 20 to 30 people and lots of little kids (it used to be our kids and now its our grandchildren). There is so much happy chaos that there really isn't time or energy to miss one particular person. So holidays weren't the worst times. When my sister held a cribbage tournament then it was sad to not hear his funny exclamations. When I'd see something in a store and think how much he'd like that then I'd be sad. Or when I'd have a meal that he really liked.
Back when plans were being made I told the kids to go ahead with whatever suited them and not to count on me, that I had no idea what our situation would be. They picked Dec 24 as the get-together date but they were having a hard time finding a place large enough. (Places we've used in the past were booked.) After Coy died I told them we could hold the party here as long as I didn't have to do a lot of prep. If they wanted decorations they could put some up, just as they would in a rented space. They are bringing finger foods and it will be a game-night party, focusing on camaraderie rather than food or presents. This part of my family is also large. I expect there will be 30 people or more (depending on who brings friends). That will certainly keep my thoughts distracted!
I think that things would be very, very different if this had been a sudden unexpected death -- if Coy and been healthy and died in a car accident, say. (I doubt I'd be able to write coherently in less than 3 weeks after the death.) But I have done my mourning over 9 years. Each holiday I wondered if it would be our last with him. It may be harder for the grandkids this year since they wouldn't have had quite the same perspective. So we'll see what unfolds, but I'm not expecting that the next few weeks will be the hardest time. (It is all hard.)
I'm pretty sure that Coy won't be the elephant in the room. Of course his passing was expected and very different than Gordie's.
All of us who are grieving this year have to do it in our own ways. May we each find comfort in doing what needs to be done.
Hugs to all.
Is this really common? What has your experience been with the widows and widowers in your families?
I have written to AG and requested a title change to "Losing a Spouse Can Cause Personality Changes." I sure hope it isn't mandatory!
the way you are presented changes a little. My friend and SIL's all lost their spouses to cancer, after the depression of the loss they became the fun loving person again. I believe that our spouses enhanses us but they don't make us.
What I don't like is the labeling that goes with the loss. God Bless and have a wonderful holiday with your family.
And ladies, rays cancer has returned. His numbers are worse than they were. I can't help thinking they just didn't get it all. He will be starting chemo again in January. We all held our breath, because he has said last time that's it. But he told Doug the simplevtruth is, " your mom needs me here. She's taken care of me our whole life together. Now she needs me to take care of her." for the first time since his health and marys has turned, he actually asked me if I can make certain meals. He wants my homemade veggie beef soups, chicken soup. Those two settled well with his stomach last time. So I'll get started on them and freeze portion size bowls in their freezer after Christmas. We are so scared. In just one year our lives has changed for the very very best, and at the same time we've been smacked with some hard realities. It would help a lot if dougs brother would step in and help with all they need, but ya know what? It is what it is. No changing him, but I still love him as we all do. I just think that some people just aren't wired to face certain trials in life. His fears are hard for him to face. Love you gals sooooo much! Lisa
jeanne - you are doing very well and it is all normal
lisa -so sorry about ray -but I like his attitude -what huge changes in a year -from one end to the emotional range to the other
hugs to all -I am off to bed Joan
Jeanne: I read your post on Caring Bridge today. Let me just say there in nothing wrong with your mind. I am amazed at how disconnected I am in so many ways. Last night I put some clothes in the wash. A couple hours later I remembered them and went to put them in the dryer. They were already in the dryer and they were dry. I have no memory of putting them in the dryer. I meant to ask my husband today if he put them in the dryer which I doubt completely. But, gee, I forgot to ask him. I think I am missing my dad and my mom this year. They are both gone now, my dad just less than 3 months ago. After having them in my care for over 7 years, it's just a big change. I don't feel devastated, just befuddled. I hope you enjoy every minute of your family gathering. Don't be upset if you don't remember all of it.
Lisa: My heart goes out to Ray and all of you who love him. I don't know what to say, but at least he has a goal and that is to be there for his wife. Maybe I am feeling a little fatalistic tonight, but I think that the writing is on the wall with your parents-in-law and the best you can do is be there for them. Be the best family advocates you can, but accept that in time you will be giving them over to God. I pray that their love for each other can give them comfort and that all of you can share in the abundance of the years of love they have shared with all of you. I know it's difficult, but try to prepare yourselves for the difficulties that are coming and just know that the love you hold for them and the support you all will give is the same as they have given each of you over the years. What more could anyone ask.
I've noticed that Kimbee has not posted in a while, so I am concerned for what is happening with her mom.
Joan: You are a tender soul and we all appreciate your thoughts, feelings, remembrances and your wicked sense of humor.
Judy: I've missed you. Just not posting like I use to, but I can't stay away from this thread.
As for the shooting in Conn. What can I say. I am so heartbroken and angry. Warren and I have a meeting with our senator this Friday to discuss the issue. I am so tired of people who do not secure their guns in a safe. Anyway. we will put our two cents in, in written form, and piss in the wind and see what slaps us in the face first.
Diavilon: Sending you hugs and best wishes. You are a compassionate soul.
Marylee: Welcome. Keep posting here. People care about you.
Ok, enough from me. Sending love to all of you. You are the most amazing woman.
Love, Cat
I'd be more worried if the rest of the family weren't going through the same things. I honestly never realized that part of being in mourning could be cognitive impairment!
Please tell me that this hasn't been constant for you for three months! I hope that you were back to normal and are just having a relapse at the holidays. I need to go back to work next month -- and I think for a living!
Maybe you should do your insulin in a specific spot with a pad of paper where you write down the time and does, etc. Don't do it in a comfortable place because that can lead to distraction. Go in the garage if you have to, but do it someplace where you want to finish, record and go back to the usual.
I find if I am up and moving, my memory is sharper. It's when I'm engaged on the computer I tend to blank out other things. I guess it's an escape and boy, does it work.
Marylee: agree with cat. Keep your faith up front and center.
Jeanne& cat: I'll give you an example of a big big brain fart. I had an appt to have bandit and angel groomed today. I get there, walk in with my elf hat on. Chris and his mother were smiling and looking at me very puzzled. I FORGOT THE DOGS AT HOME!!!! I was so embarrassed. Poor Beth was ringing my cell phone and it aggravated me because she knows I won't drive and talk on the phone. Doug said she called him and he could barely understand her thru the laughter. When I FINALLY got them there and went to pick them up they both hollered don't forget the dogs. I'll be 51 next Friday. Yep, thinking my brain outrunning my age! ;)))))
It has been quite a week. I can't even remember if I told u that my friend of 44 yrs needs a second mastectomy - she is my age and had one a couple of years ago, but no radiation or chemo. This one sounds worse. I feel like I am losing her in pieces. She uses a walker due to arthritis and will be in a wheel chair soon, I think. As well, a few days ago my dil revealed her childhood abuse by two of her brothers, and the whole story - ugly stuff -she has been diagnosed bipolar, and the meds are playing havoc with her health. I wept on the way home after hearing it. They have invited me to come to their house and go to Les Miserables (the movie) on Christmas day. I invited them back for turkey after G gets back from seeing his kids. His oldest daughter has had some problems with her pregnancy so all are a bit concerned. She will be induced around Christmas. Mother is now rethinking her arrangements. She will do what she will do.
love the stories of dinner by firelight
thx all for supportive comments - I am a bit of a basket case right now emotionally, Christmas is always hard and I think of Gordie more -the empty chair thing, then all of the above
marylee - keep looking for solutions, Know all about expensive pet surgery -but what do you do
yogi good to see you here
jeanne - grief is very physical as well as emotional. As I have learned it mourning is the outward manifestation of grief - the behaviours. If you feel like you are going out of your mind you are normal - you too cat. I know you both will be reminiscing and feeling the loss this Christmas. Jeanne the hard tears that you think will never stop don't last that long though they can be scary when they happen, however, usually you feel better afterwards.
Lordy Lisa -forgot the dogs - thats a hoot
wondering about Kimbee
Jude -where are you???, austin ditto
G is very stressed from work and the upcoming trip to see his kids. His ex is always there too with them, and there are still hard feelings.
Looking forward to a nice time at new years and the dinner theatre.
Love and hugs Joan
Cat