My mother moved in with me when my oldest sister dies who lived with her. My brother died when I was 9. My mother and 2 sisters have been addicted to pain meds for years. One sister comitted suicide and the other who lived with mom died when her colon died. Her body couldnt even process the pain meds anymore. Years ago I made the decision to walk away and would only hear from mom when the oldest sister drained her accounts . When she died my moms accountwas charged 983 dollars in overdraft charges alone. So my only option was to move her in. She was in the hole over 2000.00. My husband and I discussed it. We felt this may be a chance to form a friendship if nothing else.
It has been a battle since after the first 3 months. When she accused my daughters fiance of stealing her pain pills I took control of them. She is forced to go to a pain management dr to get her pain meds every 3 months. She goes in my room searching for them while we work. She accuses me of stealing her money. There is nothing wrong with my moms mind. Just this month alone she has spent 732.00 at qvc. She has spent 1000's with qvc since shes been here. Mom has copd and has oxegen in her room. In comes the worst of the argument. She smokes a pack a day in her bedroom and often dosent turn the oxegen off. Im terrified she will cause an explosion and kill us with her. When I take the cigs it turns into a horrible argument. My mother has treated her grandchildren so horribly none have been to my home for 2 years. She has a sister who will not even answer her phone when she calls. She asked a cousin if she could move in and was told no. So she informed me that I would have to have a judge remove her from my home. I accepted years ago that my mom had no use for me. At 10 years old she informed me that she couldnt believe god took johnny instead of me. I heard that for years. I would cry untill I matured and realized she was the one messed up not me.
Now I am 50 years old and taking the verbal abuse again. I hear about how fat I am and dumpy I am. I buy a new outfit and get told I look rediculous. I need some help trying to figure out how to get her out of here. I had to give her the pain meds back last week because she threatened to quit taking her other medicines and she would accuse me of keeping them from her. This is just the tip of the iceberg. Ive been happily married for 28 years to a wonderful man and have 2 beautiful daughters. We own our own home. She has her own room with a bath and never has anyone in my family not made her feel this wasnt her home too. We fix her plate every night, take her to dr. Appts, wash her clothes, and still she treats us this way. Anyone who can please guide me in the right direction I would be so grateful. I am so stressed. I cant sleep, ive gained 40 pounds and im tired everyday.
Have a blessed day
Lisa, I'm glad you talked to your husband and found out that he was going through the same thing. It's the affect of the trauma you have both endured. It doesn't end the minute she leaves the house. That's not possible.
I think about how my life will be after my dad no longer lives with us and it's hard for me to even imagine how I will pick up the threads of my life. It's there, kind of, but it seems like it's in the past, like I left it behind for too long. I'm going to need time to get reacquainted with myself. I know that sounds weird, but it's the best I can explain it for now.
I'm going to try what JaneB suggested. I actually cut and pasted her comment on another thread. Of course I gave her credit for the suggestion. I think she is right, that there is another part of us that needs to be empowered to explain or reassure our honed reactions that the danger has passed. We need to reunite our fractured self.
After all, when you get to the point where all your energy goes toward being able to endure, you have to shut down other parts of yourself. I guess it's like rebooting your computer or defragmenting it and getting things back in order. Nevertheless, we are not machines, even if we have felt like one for a while.
On the bright side, we are so fortunate to have the opportunity to regather our self and take the time to love the parts of us that we had to turn away from. There is a special gift in learning to sooth that part of you that has been left out. It's like tending to an over tired child who just needs to be reassured and rocked for a while. It's so good to be able to visualize that and love yourself.
I hope we all have a good nights sleep and a better tomorrow. Love you all, Cattails.
support - a gazillion..... YOU WIN....
For the most part, she is quiet and stays in her room. She has a beautiful room in our home with a table to do her puzzles and a lazyboy chair and tv. She has her own bathroom. She has a lot of health issues and dementia, but is mobile and symptom free with all her medications. We have tried to do the best for her physically. The first thing we did when she came was sign her up for senior daycare to get her out for activities. She gets out more than we do. We are the ones who always feel trapped because we can't take any trips without lining up relatives to stay with her.
I walk on eggshells around her because if I get into any conversations with her, she dredges up everything from the beginning of time of what she is unhappy about. When she first came, I made suggestions to help make her life easier but was always told "This is the way I've always done it". So I keep conversations short and don't ask anything that would get her going. She has dementia and can't remember anything so we have to remind her to do everything. If my husband tells her, she smiles and takes it well. If I say anything, she gets angry. She smiles at him and talks. With me, she doesn't even make eye contact. She has always felt her son made a mistake marrying me and just told me that again yesterday, which is why I got on here. My husband and I are Christians, but my husband was a Catholic growing up, so she has always been mad about that, even though she doesn't have any interest in going to church herself. She and her sisters had sourpusses at our wedding because we didn't have a priest at our service, only our own Baptist minister. She keeps telling me I hated her from the moment I met her. If I hated her, would we have taken her into our home? She is the most spiteful, petty woman and always has been. My husband said she and her sisters held so many grudges against each other that they argued at a funeral and didn't talk for 8 years. She feels she should come before me. My husband and I bought this house brand new 11 years ago and our memories in this home are of his mom causing problems between us. I don't even remember what our marriage was like before she came into the picture. All the things that my husband does for her are things that I have suggested for him to do. She doesn't realize that I am the one who makes sure all the meds are ordered, purchased and organized. I buy her special groceries. I keep up with her banking. I have never minded taking care of her. I just wish she would show a little appreciation with a smile or a thankyou or a how are you doing today? She NEVER initiates conversation with me herself, only my husband. It just makes me feel like an outsider in my own home.
But I feel fortunate that we have not had to go through what you have, Lisa.
When we get to the point of placing mom in assisted living or a nursing home, I now have some good information about which resources to call.
I am sure you have helped a lot of people who have been reading your story. And, yes, you should write a book someday. You are a survivor!
About that room, I say leave the door open, paint it a lovely favorite, bright or soothing color, change the drapes, make it sitting (t.v.) room or reading room or office. Totally do a make over and with each step, think/know that it is also changing you. Be sure to have uplifting music on when you do it too. BE HAPPY! You ARE a good person and you deserve GOOD things to happen in your life. Hugs to you, your hubby & daughters!
There is a beautiful, simple and hugely effective technique called, Ask and Receive, created by a woman named Sandi Radomski. If you are interested, just say these words to yourself. They are five statements.
1. There is a part of my Being that already knows my mother no longer lives in my house, and I no longer have to be afraid of that.
2. That part of my Being is willing to inform the rest of me right now.
3. It is doing so now, with grace and ease.
4. My body, mind and spirit are receiving this information right now.
5. Information transfer complete.
Then you could do some of the of the following statements, as step one, and repeat the other steps as written above.
There is a part of my being that already knows it's safe to let go of the fear of her being in my home.
There is a part of my being that already knows I deserve to let go of the way I feel when I think of Mom being here.
There is a part of my being that already knows I did the best I could.
There is a part of my being that already knows how to claim myself back for myself and my husband and children.
After each statement, go through each of the four others, before going on to the next statement. You may notice lots of things: waves of relief, tears and then no more tears, pretty quickly, lots of yawning, maybe even some burping, or just more and more relaxed. Or all of the above. If I knew how to post a link here I would, but you can google Sandi and this technique for more information. It's extraordinary in its gentle healing, in my experience.
The emotional reactions you and Doug are having to the changes in your home are another sign of how stressful it was, and, without being any kind of an expert, I think they are a form of PTSD (Post Traumatic Stress Disorder). Counselling/therapy could help you deal with that. Positive self talk can help too. You have had a lifetime of abuse, and it is bound to leave some scars, and emotional "fall out". Getting your mum out of your home is one step, but getting her out of your heart, and mind, is another. That will take more than a couple of weeks. And there will be some ongoing issues, I am sure, that you have to deal with in some form. Any of these, as well as the physical reminders in your home can, and likely will, trigger your emotions. Your healing has started. Nurture yourself, do what you need to do to get past the pain, to lessen your stress, when triggers are present. You have a wonderful sense of humour which carries you a long way in the right direction. Remember it is OK to cry and let down your defences, as you go through the recovery process.
Big ((((((((((((((((hugs))))))))))))) and prayers. Joan
To the group~ ...I keep seeing the same names answering the various questions on this site.... and I just want to say I think you are all awesome!!!!!! Hugs!
You did good. You can go to sleep at nights with a clear conscience. Take care!
Well, we are here when you want to talk about "The Woman." As I have said before, so glad you are not her POA. Maybe this process will cause the court to appoint one for her. I wouldn't want to be that person. I see another permanent facial twitch on the horizon for who ever might fall into that role.
Love to you, Cattails
I have found that I need to maintain very strict boundaries with mother. I do not get involved in her battles with the " abusive" (as in undercooked oatmeal) home care givers. Mother consults with the director of her ALF over them regularly, nor in her complaints about the quality of the food provided (though I agree with her to some extent on that one) as she reports that to the VP of a seniors organization, which works with the governement to improve conditions for seniors. She has a doctor she goes to for her health issues who, along with his staff, is very supportive and understanding, and so on.
I have to say that my gut reaction, Lisa, is "Be very careful", Your mum will manipulate Jane, and anyone else she can, because that is how your mum is. She is also devious.This may be the thin end of a wedge. If you feel you need a epo/restraining order against the addicted nephew, you can do it separately. To me, joining in with her blurs the boundaries of her business vs your business. As far as consulting with Jane, there are some great suggestions here as to how to handle that, and, as always, trust your own guts on it all - nevermind what anyone else says. You have made enormous strides towards your new life and autonomy, and you continue to push forward. You have what I call, the "wisdom of the girlfriends" with you every recent step of the way. It is powerful. I would not be where I am without the "wisdom of the girlfriends". We are the sister elephants helping a mother elephant rescue her baby from a water hole, we are the "wailers" at the wakes who keep watch, we are the untrained midwives who over the centuries, help to usher new lives into this world, we are the nurturers, the supporters, the women through the ages who have stuck beside one another through the vissisitudes of life. We are a force with which to be reckoned.
Do what is good for you. Put the needs of yourself and your family first. You can't go wrong if you so that.
Love and (((((((hugs))))) ♥
Joan
I think there is a way to offer the facts and not get sucked in. Think of it as about the kid, not your Mom.
And if after reading this, you still have the instinct to tell Jane never mind, that's what you should do.
Have her read this thread, actually -- she will get all the facts here. Then you accomplish all goals (provide some facts, don't get dragged into the mud) in an easy way.
Finally, I wanted to share the words to a song I used to sing in my head, and still do every once in a while, called, "Not My Problem." Jeanne's new mantra reminded me of it. It's to the tune of "Oklahoma" -- from the musical of the same name. You can find the tune on iTunes, if you don't know it. But if you do, let me "sing" it for you. Ahem. Cough cough.
"Nooooooooooot my problem! I am not involved here anymore.
I am on my feet. It sure seems sweet
to be walking out that open door!
Nooooooooooooot my problem!
And tonight my honey lamb and I
Will sit alone and talk and never squak
'bout this gosh darn old news, (compost) pie!
We know there's a line in the sand,
When I stay on my side, things are grand!
So when I say -- yyeeow! -- Ai-yip-i-o-ee-aaay! Wow!
I'm really saying you're not my problem this morning,
Not my problem! Okay!"
Maybe we will hear a chorus of this across the country.
Blessings, sisters!