My mother moved in with me when my oldest sister dies who lived with her. My brother died when I was 9. My mother and 2 sisters have been addicted to pain meds for years. One sister comitted suicide and the other who lived with mom died when her colon died. Her body couldnt even process the pain meds anymore. Years ago I made the decision to walk away and would only hear from mom when the oldest sister drained her accounts . When she died my moms accountwas charged 983 dollars in overdraft charges alone. So my only option was to move her in. She was in the hole over 2000.00. My husband and I discussed it. We felt this may be a chance to form a friendship if nothing else.
It has been a battle since after the first 3 months. When she accused my daughters fiance of stealing her pain pills I took control of them. She is forced to go to a pain management dr to get her pain meds every 3 months. She goes in my room searching for them while we work. She accuses me of stealing her money. There is nothing wrong with my moms mind. Just this month alone she has spent 732.00 at qvc. She has spent 1000's with qvc since shes been here. Mom has copd and has oxegen in her room. In comes the worst of the argument. She smokes a pack a day in her bedroom and often dosent turn the oxegen off. Im terrified she will cause an explosion and kill us with her. When I take the cigs it turns into a horrible argument. My mother has treated her grandchildren so horribly none have been to my home for 2 years. She has a sister who will not even answer her phone when she calls. She asked a cousin if she could move in and was told no. So she informed me that I would have to have a judge remove her from my home. I accepted years ago that my mom had no use for me. At 10 years old she informed me that she couldnt believe god took johnny instead of me. I heard that for years. I would cry untill I matured and realized she was the one messed up not me.
Now I am 50 years old and taking the verbal abuse again. I hear about how fat I am and dumpy I am. I buy a new outfit and get told I look rediculous. I need some help trying to figure out how to get her out of here. I had to give her the pain meds back last week because she threatened to quit taking her other medicines and she would accuse me of keeping them from her. This is just the tip of the iceberg. Ive been happily married for 28 years to a wonderful man and have 2 beautiful daughters. We own our own home. She has her own room with a bath and never has anyone in my family not made her feel this wasnt her home too. We fix her plate every night, take her to dr. Appts, wash her clothes, and still she treats us this way. Anyone who can please guide me in the right direction I would be so grateful. I am so stressed. I cant sleep, ive gained 40 pounds and im tired everyday.
Have a blessed day
My suggestion would be to just tell the truth, as you are so good at doing, and refer them to the facts, meaning the withdrawals from her account. I really don't know why you even have to get involved in this at all. Your mom is more than capable of telling her story and the bank will back her up.
I think I'd let your mom handle it. She has support now and it's your chance to stay out of the problems she creates for herself. I don't see you getting anything out of this except more problems.
Going to the lake.............not my problem. Going to the lake............not my problem.
Love you Lisa, Cattails.
How about a compromise? What if you wrote up a brief overview of the exploitation history, (just the facts, not the emtional content), discussed it with Hubby or anyone else who could jog your memory and add items, and provide them with this summary. Perhaps offer a one-time in-person discussion not to exceed 30 minutes.
Because, dear Lisa, I really think it is time to start the new mantra.
... it's not my problem ... it's not my problem ... it's not my problem ... it's not my problem... it's not my problem ... it's not my problem
I read your new thread. From what you explained about your childhood it was extremely dysfunctional. Your siblings are scarred by that same upbringing. They are not capable of really caring or they would not allow you to be in the position you are in.
We will be joining you on your new thread. We are sending love and support to you. Hugs, Cattails
Cattails
Okay to answer your questions, dad is age 83 and mom is 79. I live in Guam. We do have a hospice that costs about $4000/month several years ago.
Private caregivers cost about $10/hour. Most of my family refuses to pay because it's too expensive. (Why pay when they have a Free caregiver - me.) Yet, they all eat out, go to parties and take trips. But, no money to pay for a caregiver. Over the weekend, I had text everyone that if each one pay $275.00/month (which is about $140 a payday), then I can get weekends off from Friday night to Sunday afternoon. Only 2 responded that they will give $300. I think that's what triggered my depression.
Can I ask you guys a question? I've never done therapy before. When I was telling the therapist all I've tried to do to get my family to help and still no help from them, I concluded, "My family doesn't care about me." He responded Very Loudly with Emphasis, "Of Course They Don't Care For You!" Was he saying that to see my reaction? Was I suppose to deny it and say something to refute it? Because if he did, it didn't work. All it did was reinforce to me that even a stranger agreed that I'm nothing to my family. This therapy thing is sure confusing.
Cattails
FYI, emailed my uh, lack of progress report to therapist. Like you all, he says that I can do it with practice. That I have what it takes to be successful. Maybe, I will do the new thread on how to do these darn exercises when you're too tired and impatient to do it Slowly and not shortcut to the end. If I'm not too tired when I get home, after preparing dinner and feeding parent, I will try to do it tonight.
Cattails: I thought your response was HILARIOUS!! and DEAD ON. I know that the poster to whom you responded meant well, but *my* knee-jerk response goes to folks who want to talk about a "higher power" and just expect things to turn out magically without doing any work to get there. I guess, the Lord helps those who help themselves would apply here. Spiritual belief is personal and varied, not everyone believes the same and it can be tricky. To be clear, I was more put off by the previous post than by yours--and not just because she obviously hadn't read the whole thread.
RE: the nephew...so she will have to accept that she won't get her things back. Has anyone talked to her about the consequences of her faulty actions to give him her debit card, etc? Or is she still blaming others for that fiasco?
All the love & support here is wonderful. I've missed all u kick ass ladies! Lisa, put on the super family capes w the LI TEAS. Cheers! Kimbee
You are new here, so let me just point out that you can go to the very top of this page and you will see Caregiver Forum. Click on that an a pull down menu with offer you the option to post a question. Post your question, as Lisa did.
I will be watching for it as everyone else will too. We will be there to help you any way we can. Love and Best wishes, Cattails
I'm glad you posted here, and I'll bet Lisa will be glad, too. Now how about starting a thread of your own? We'd love to encourage you to do your therapy homework, and cheer you on with your successes along the way. And you are right, Lisa did this is a remarkably short time. Don't set that as your stndard. But know that you can make your own life better, bit by bit.
Please start a new thread. We'll be there for you, too!
Anyway, I was hooked on your story because, I've gone through the anger, despair, depressions, etc...and I'm still where I am - Square 1. Yet, you took this treatment for 2 years and STARTED doing something about it. I was captivated. And envious. And wished that I too have "alternate" family to lean on or to turn to.
I'm so glad for you. I also grew from a very dysfunctional family. No hugs or kisses, etc.
My family has told me that I can't move out because I will be abandoning the parents and I can get in trouble. One family member keeps nagging me to get POA. I absolutely refuse. I have been taking care of mom since I was age 23. I'm now 46. I refuse to have any legal responsibility for them. Once I have POA, my family can tell me that it's not THEIR problem but mine since I have POA. I may be a pushover but I'm no fool. Like cattail and others, I don't think you should get one either.
About counseling, I think you should get one. I went to my 1st caregiving respite meeting. Even though it was movie day, I came out of it much lighter. It's really different when you spend time with people who knows what you're going through vs. your family. I will admit, that I find deep down how resentful I am that my other 6 siblings are not doing more to help. Okay, one brother called me this morning and will be giving me $300 month to help find a caregiver so that I can get weekends off. I texted all about therapist and will be emailing them the details. The caregiving respite program is also paying for me to have a one-to-one counseling with a therapist. I had that one meeting and he opened my eyes. The advice these people are giving almost sounds like the steps I will be doing with the help of my therapist. He noted that I have problem saying NO. And that is so true. He noted that I have 7 sisters/brothers - one for each day of the week. If they can't do their day (being from another state, etc..), then they will just have to pay for someone to cover their share. I've thought if that but...it really comes down to my learning to say NO MORE. Just like you did. Boy, I don't think I can go as fast as you did! But, just with that one counseling, I felt empowered. Then, I find this thread, and it's giving me hope. I'm still struggling with the "exercise" homework from the therapist. Failing miserably. I have one month to get all 6 down before then. These are exercises to help me handle my anger, resentment and stress.
I too hope your niece is not sucked in. Or fooled into believing she can help them. Like you said, you can't help someone who doesn't believe they need changing because they are ALWAYS right. I can't remember who was the one who said to just smile and say "you're right." She hasn't met my father. Admitting they're right will just get them to be worse than before. I argue and refuse to give in. If he's wrong, he's wrong. Because once you agree, it escalates the problem. She must have grown up with a "normal" life..which is very rare, in my mind.
Sorry for the long letter. I just wanted to let you know Elisa that I was encouraged with your story. :) thank you!!!
Judy: I so love your sense of humor and the way you express it. Thanks for laughing with me.
No one has heard from Rebecca. I guess we can only wait and hope for a post. She has not posted to anyone, so I don't know what is going on with her. I pray she is ok as I know you all do.
Tomorrow is Sunday. Lisa you are free to just be with your family I hope. Next time you hug your MIL, please tell her I am hugging her too.
I know this is not the end of the saga. Keep us posted, Lisa. The worst is over for sure, but there will be some bumps and we are waiting to hear about them.
Love to everyone, Cattails.