I'm an only child of a very self absorbed 81 yr old woman. We have a stormy history.She is sweet and caring yet has moments of complete narcissism. Listening to her talk about herself constantly drives me crazy!!! I feel trapped and all I want to do is run away. I feel guilty because I dont' live with her, I have my own place and I only help her 20 hrs a week. Why should I be feeling resentful and bitter and burned out? She calls 3-4 times a day on my days off with questions, .problems, etc. I need to write a huge note on a poster board in huge letters. "Don't call me unless it's an emergency!" She sucks the life out of me. I hate feeling this way because I don't want any regrets when she's gone. I can't be her daughter anymore like this. I'm her hired hand. She pays me to take care of her and I'm grateful. I am on disability because of physical disability. and can only work part time. Sorry for rambling.....Anyway, I need to look for another job so I can get my life back. It's not that I don't want to help her, I just feel CONSUMED, the stuffing is out of me and I want out. I feel so burned out. What is wrong with me? ARRRGHH.
You clearly need support, Smitty, and I urge you to look into options that will be the best for both of you. Your Mom's needs will only increase so you need to plan now. I am sorry you have no other family member to help.
Take care of yourself and get a different job, so that you aren't relying on Mom's money. You are in an awful spot, but you aren't alone.
You need to value YOU more than your mother.
You need to value your health more than your mother.
It's a state of mind and it's hard to get to, but day by day, start taking your life back. Look, I love my mother, but I like me more!!!
xo
-SS
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I think you are having a bad day, and need to vent. Ok
Completely understand sometimes you are not up for answering the phone.
I get how needy and difficult an older parent can be, and I wish you well with that.
I hope you can gear your relationship towards a family, mutual support grounded in love, rather than a straight business transaction with a side of guilt.
Look into support from your community - a senior center, adult care center, volunteer center, any other friends/family who can commit to helping during the week. Commit to your errands for your Mom when you do your own errands.
Your Mom's needs will increase. You need to start planning her long term caregiving. What can you do now to prepare for that?
Smitty, you're doing the best you can, more. At some point, you need a break from your mother's constant demands. Maybe you could call friends or relatives who could take your mom on "field trips" once or twice a week.
Just do it, Dear One. Who gives a flying leap what they say?
I HAVE stopped begin treated like a servant though, and you can too by telling them how hurtful it is and stop taking their crap. My mother walks VERY softly around me now. She has backed off on the daily requests, but every day I have to remind her, "I don't want to hear about what happened in the bathroom, I don't care how wonderful my brother's vacation was, I'm sorry you are so tired all the time, so am I. I don't want to hear how she really should do something she's been complaining about for 3 months. I don't care about this stuff anymore. I stopped wanting to make everything right. It's not right and I'm not Jesus Christ!!!!
Whew! I feel better....!
xo
-SS
Look into assisted living. People think that looking into such a situation is tossing a loved one away. Sometimes both parites are happier because the parent (sometimes, not always) can see the frustration the adult child is going through.
no offense to people who are faced with placing their parent. thats an inevitable part of the process for most. this is not like child rearing at all..
2. Juicing (learn how by watching "Fat, Sick, and Nearly Dead)
3. Meditative Exercise daily (yoga at home, you can follow videos on YouTube for free, or go for walk)
Doing these things took me out of "full burn out mode" and now I'm back to being able to deal with everything one day at a time (nothing short of a miracle, really). When we don't feel good, its a natural tendency to want to get rid of our stressors, but in order to make the right decision, you should be calm and clearheaded and feeling as level and decent each day as possible. I hope this helps.
Last but not least....is your mom suffering from anxiety? maybe she needs medication...If I was alone...and felt I was a burden...and knew I was in my last years....if I was scared for my health (narcissistic)...I would hope my kids would give me whatever medication helps..
Please advise.
Your mother sounds like she needs antidepressants or something. Are you the one who takes her to the doctor? I understand that you want her to take better care of herself, and eat a better diet. I can also understand that someone with depression and dementia would take an innocent comment the wrong way.
I don't know what the whole story is. I wonder if you haven't accepted that she is dying, and that if she wants to eat junk food, it won't make any difference. What I'm trying to say is that you can't save her.
Until she gets on medication, can you just humor her and agree with everything she says? Try to talk about good times in the past, or whatever interests her. Most of all, realize that what she says to you is the disease talking. Of course you're not a monster, and of course you're not attacking her. She's just an emotional mess.
I feel bad for both you and your sister, if she's the primary caregiver. You probably have a very busy life, and do as much as you can. But when caring for an elderly person, there is ALWAYS something else that needs to be done. If she could tell you just one or two things that she needs help with, that she would really appreciate, maybe you could both feel better when going through this HARD experience.
It's nice having somone to talk to about this. I live with her (I was supposed to go on military orders but they got cancelled, house went up for rent, etc.) and do the cooking and whatever else needs to be done. It bothers me to no end to watch her writhe in pain constantly and there is nothing I can do, you're right. My sister is distantly judgemental and hardly ever does a thing, although she says she wants to. So, I do EVERYTHING. It's hard not being able to talk to her casually, and we never laugh anymore like we used to. Today, I cracked a joke that would have normally made her smile, and she says "Well, I am afraid to laugh for fear you'll be upset" . It's just ridiculous the comments she makes to me and I am so ready to throw in the towel when I have had nothing but patience. I still have unresolved issues with abuse from her early on, so it's not easy.
Thanks for listening
-SS