Another phase as I call it :(

@jessebelle - Thank you for saying "I know exactly what you mean about becoming a hermit. I used to go out every day, but now I don't find any joy in going out. I don't know what causes this so often for cgs." That happened to me and I thought I might be heading for a breakdown as it was suppose to help me to get away, after all, everyone was saying to get out more! Now I understand it is just another one of the side effects of being a care giver, toxic side effect at that. Then you shared about the 'give, then take back' game and again, I wanted to reach through the computer and hug you for letting me know that is just another toxic side effect the care receiver dumps on their caregiver. It still hurts but at least I know it is not uncommon. He brought his abusive, narcissistic personality now on 'steroids' (or so it seems) to this place in his life, in our 38 years of marriage and the abuse we are suppose to 'not take' is so entrenched and can be so subtle, it is hard to fight against it when so exhausted from doing everything for him.

Burnout 10: Take comfort in knowin you have a sister that is right there by you and who is willing to rationally talk to you about mom's assets. Dealing with this dreadful demenita is hard enough, but believe me, when you siblings, and you are the only one doing the work, it just compounds the problems. My mom has Lewy Body Dementia. She loves me and I love her so much. I had her with me 32 yrs. and now I had to put her in a nursing home because suddenly she became unresponsive. I'm learning through reading up on this type of dementia and an on line support group that her hallucenations, frightening nightmares, etc are all part of this disease. Even tho I am her "everything", yes her baby late in life (she was 39 and thought she had cancer....it ended up being a premature baby...yes I came early weighing in at 3lbs 4 oz). She is the reason I am alive and I survived. Now, I truly believe at 95 I am the reason she is alive. I've done alot of sacrificing for her and I don't regret it. I too had to hear alot from her too. Therapists would tell me she knows exactly what buttons to push, but I really don't think she did it intentionally. I do know I was going through the menopause for the last 5 yrs, and in these past 5 yrs this is when mom has declined. I would get hysterical crying because she would hurt my feelings so bad. I'd go upstairs and cry my eyes out. Then I would do down to make peace. She would hug me and tell me how she doesn't want to see me so upset. She said she didn't know what she would do without me. Then she'd tell me I'm a "sick girl" and wished I was strong like she and my sister are. (Yet sis at times wouldn't talk to her for months at a time, and she refused to have my sis be her POA, etc because it's me she loves and trusts). We'd be find and then the circle would come around again....same thing would happen. Mom is strong, I am not. That's what I thought, but then I had a breakdown. I had to put mom in the NH even tho I so badly wanted to bring her home. She was to weak and the Lewy Body had suddenly made her loose her memory, ability to eat, etc. So, the next day my hubby goes to work, and I have a nervous breakdown! (It was due to stress, exhaustion and lack of proper food and drink for 3 days, since I was by her side the entire time at the hospital). Bottom line: I had to be hospitalized for 3 days, sent my husband and daughter through you know what, had to see a pscyh dr., then a therapist & get put on meds. I had to promise my daughter I would eat and take care of myself so she would have me around as long as we've had "Nana" around. My grandchildren love me way too much! All the while, mom was in the NH my sister was there with her (first time in over 30 yrs she took some time to be with mom). An now? Mom has been there 3 months. I still cry, I still wonder if I'm doing the right thing, but I will have to tell you, my husband and I do get to sleep through the night without me having to run downstairs to stop mom in the middle of her nightmares, or run down because she is screaming with leg cramps....I'm still reading up on the dementia and I'm still trying to believe I've made the right decision. This support group has been the best thing! These people really know what they are talking about. They have "been there done that". They encouraged me to wait a bit, get time to get adjusted to being with "me", and to get therapy. I have taken their advice. I'm also going to my first group meeting for families living with dementia. I'm feeling much better and I'm able to see mom without being burned out. She misses being home and I do miss her, but I see that the demenita has taken over, and her "good" days are fewer and fewer. I've been able to bring her home for a 3 hour visit twice already and both times she was very relaxed. She says if I can briing her home once a week, she feels like she can get through this. This was said on one of her good days, where she was at least 90% with it. SO, all I can say is hang in there, and take the advice of these fine people. Believe me your mom will survive without you, and openheart2 is right, You do need to have someone give you a break. If you don't, you're going to end up like I did, and you won't be any good to anyone. I'm just grateful my setback was very temporary. It was a wake up call, but I still needed help realizing that! Keep us posted, and feel free to vent any time, and continue to pray, God reads our hearts and he answers those who are truly sincere.

Also... remember that just because someone says something doesn't mean it's true, and ALSO doesn't mean you have to take on the question of "but that's not true!" or "I can see why you think that." She's losing her rationality. It hurts less when you remember that it's crazy-talk. And she doesn't need to agree to put your sister on the title: make your agreements among you sisters about how you will share what's there when it's passed out of your mom's hands. (Talking about that together now won't mean you're greedily disposing of your mom's assets in advance -- it will mean you're building and clarifying the fairness among your generation, making it possible to work together all the better now in a difficult situation.)

Dear Burntout10.... DO NOT TAKE THE ABUSE !!!!! You love your mother, you care for her, you provide for all of her needs and you give her your ALL, but DO NOT TAKE THE ABUSE! It will beat you down until nothing is left, and then who will provide for her? Or YOU ??? Simply SHOW her that her behaviour is not acceptable and you will not tolerate it. When she starts with the abuse, simply remove yourself from the situation by taking a walk, drive, visiting your sister, SHOP (that is always great therapy), grocery store or just a place you can be with your thoughts. DO whatever brings you peace and comfort (aside from leaving for good). Furthermore, have you contacted your local Department of Aging? I know your mom will not go anywhere, but there are volunteers who will come and visit, sit and talk with her. It is not uncommon for the elderly to acuse a child of "stealing", etc., etc. They even insist that an absent child is doing all the care-giving. Although difficult, remind yourself that it is the disease, but first and foremost, DO NOT TAKE THE ABUSE. Walk out or do whatever you must to save your sanity. Chances are that she is lonely and frightened as well and no doubt will resist a volunteer, but she will survive. You, my dear, will not if you put up with her abuse. Walk away and leave the house each and everytime it starts. Eventually, she will learn as we teach by our actions, not what we say.

I hate the fact that each of us are going through this, but I am so thankful for this tool, as it reminds me that I am not alone. Even though it feels like it. I too, taking care of my mom. I moved us out of my uncles farm after he died..the house was so badly neglected that we had wildlife inside the house!!! And were heated by a fireplace only. After a year, I solely packed up our remains left in storage and moved us to a house out-of-state thinking it would be better for my mother who is now 84. What was I thinking!?! So even though we are now in a new environment, my mother is behaving the same.... spend money, dont spend, accusing me of changing the will & POA...etc etc. its a nightmare. The added bonus is that I am the only one to take care of her. I have her in therapy, but I truly think it isnt going to do much good, and after the therapist ask me to come in as well, its grown worse. I stay locked in my room just to keep the peace. So this fine house i bought, is now my prison sentence. I am just now realizing so many of the mistakes i made. The therapist said i need to take responsibility for my own decisions.....lol . That was a hard one take! I have given up my life not out of choice, but how life tossed me a curve ball. I haven,t worked in six years because of all this and fearful I will not be able to support myself later. My mother is becoming verbally abusive and you should see her bag of arsenal...things from 30 years ago..

But when I am truly confused and upset, I come here and see I am not alone. I am thankful.

Keep coming here for support. If you can, go to local senior center and talk with their director about your situation and what they would recommend. Also, when your mom isn't agitated; see if sisters and yourself can have a civil meeting with her and discuss her plans for the future (not the threats!) but who has POA, DPOA, etc. Find all that out first; likely she has a will spelling everything out. I wouldn't think you need the title per se (though I"M NO EXPERT HERE) as the house would become part of the estate to split. You will need to make sure that you have understanding with your sibs if you want to continue to live there should something happen to your mom or will sell the house and split the proceeds as dictated in will. If there is no will; DPOA, POAs, medical direction, etc. -- then get them asap. Contact a reputable attorney with specific expertise in senior estate planning and needs - ask around to neighbors or at your local senior center for references.

Next, maybe the senior center would be a place for your mom to go during the day and give you both a break.

Don't give up and don't give your whole self where you "lose yourself" at such a young age. Get out with a girlfriend or join a local group; book club, or form a lunch group or something but you've got to live to! Bars may not be the place for you; but find an interest, take a class (photography, art, cooking, something) so you can get out and meet new people and get your mind on something else.

Good luck!

burnout - you need to talk to some specialists in geriatric care. Please do this to help you deal with your mother's attitude. I understand it hurts and is frustrating. Yes -- vent, type, pray. It will help you, but don't just isolate yourself to deal with this. Talk to a counselor. Try and find some respite care and hang in there!

Your feelings are not uncommon. Hang in there sister. Its a long hard road. My mother,who is 75, lives with me. She has been for 6yrs. I have a job. I dread coming home every night. I hate saying that. I love my house. I just get no peace and quiet. The only thing, I look forward to is seeing my dogs. I love my mom. But she is depressing. She is not the woman who raised me. She just came into some money. I have lost the energy to fight with her. She wants to buy things. She wants to spend it, spend it, spend it. So, I pick and choose my battles with her. She wants it.....she can have it. I dont care any more. And it has been more peaceful around here. I had to start thinking of me. My health is more important. She has become selfish in her actions. Its all about her. So, I have learned and adjusted my feelings and emotions. She cant rial me up any more. She had me with major chest pains, my face was breaking out and I drank alot. I was going down the wrong path.
Burntout10, come here often. Vent, type and pray. But, most of all, don't let her beat you down. You are no good to her if she does. Keep your spirits up. We are all here for you. Come chat with us any time. We all understand and will help you. If you need a friend you can msg me directly. May the peace of God be with you. I hope I can help you in your time of stress.

burntout, it is hard to live with someone who says so many unkind things. So much that we do drains the energy from our lives. I know exactly what you mean about becoming a hermit. I used to go out every day, but now I don't find any joy in going out. I don't know what causes this so often for cgs.

I also go through the give, then take back game quite often. My mother says she will spend money to get something done, then say she can't afford it because her money has to last. She says she is going to leave me everything because I have been the only one around, then she says she is going to leave it to my brothers. I know she is mentally unstable and labile, so I don't pay any attention to what she promises or takes back. I just tell her I don't care, because I don't need her money, and that money is not a big thing to me. These things are the truth. It is rather nice to not have buttons she can push when it comes to money.

One thing I wondered with your mother is if she would still be considered legally competent. And I wondered if her doctor would attest to the fact in writing if she isn't legally competent. If she is not legally competent, she won't be able to make changes that would cause hardships. That may be something to look at to help ensure your own future. It is not fair that you give so much and have to suffer such uncertainty. I know there are problems with this, though. Some people become mentally unstable, but they are still legally competent.

Is there a brother around? Sometimes elder women will listen to sons before they will their daughters. You don't mention a brother, but I wonder if there is another male figure that she respects that can run interference for you if she tries to do something that will make trouble. I wish I had some good answers for you, but all I can say is I know a lot of what you're feeling.

What would probably be good for all of us is to get a job to get us out of the house, hire an elder sitter, and come home when we want. That sounds like a great life. :)