Caregivers behaving badly.

Haven't gotten the Christmas tree down yet, maybe procrastinating just a bit. It feels bare in here after Christmas every year when the lights and decorations are no longer up. I saw a picture online of a tree packed away as is in Saran wrap, decorations and everything. Now that's a tempting thought!

I think that's a great idea FrazzledMama & also think that just putting the tree as it is,in a bedroom and shutting the door would be good too.Who's going to know anyway?

That Saran wrap, comes in a huge roll, on a sort of handle, easy to wrap up glass, christmas trees, just about anything. Movers use it. I wrapped up the top of a hutch/china cabinet. There is so much left over!

Hubs is still taking his nap after another day (3 days) of NOT putting the decorations away into the shed. It rained on the box.

I so feel like wrapping something.....

I am learning how to post on my phone today. Am babysitting so I don't have access to a computer. The little one fell asleep on the floor and I am being bratty
And have left him there.

My mom was diagnosed with dementia on October 20th of last year. I basically took her to a movie on a Sunday and when we came out of the theater, she asked me if dad was back at the house sleeping and also asked me where the woman that brought her to the movies was. My dad had died just under a year earlier so the dad comment confused me. The comment about who brought her to the theater also confused me because that was me. When I told her that I was the one who had brought her, she said, "No, the other woman that was sitting next to you. You just met us here." Being 85 years old with short term memory loss, made me think that perhaps she was tired and/or hungry so, I called a car service to take us to a nearby restaurant. At the restaurant, she commented that she had been there before and even pointed to the table she sat at with dad a couple of weeks earlier. I knew something was terribly wrong.

We were away at my cabin for the weekend so, I shut the place down for the season and brought her home. I immediately called her doctor, whose office was closed until Tuesday. I also reached out t a neurologist in her network and the earliest appointment they would give me was nearly 3 weeks away. On Tuesday morning, I called her doctor again and, when he could not see her that day, I took her to the emergency room at a neighborhood hospital. I'd spent 2 days in my home with mom prior to that not knowing what to say or how to deal with what had happened. Upon performing a few tests, including an x-ray of her head, an EKG, a CT scan and an MRI, the conclusion was dementia brought on by minor strokes, elevated cholesterol and high blood pressure. I stayed in the hospital with her for 4 days until they released her into my care. Trouble is, I had no idea how to deal with someone who had dementia, least of all my own mother.

I forgot to mention that the cardiologist at the hospital also informed me that the main artery to my mother's heart was almost completely sealed with calcium deposits and that, due to her age and recent cognitive decline, she was not a candidate for surgery. So, I'm basically living with a ticking time bomb, whom just happens to be my mom.

I applied for and was approved for FMLA and NYS PLA and, thankfully, my job has a benefit that enables me to pay a copay for back up senior care. That is helpful but, the allotment for that is only 30 days per year and after that I had to pay completely on my own. The benefit started up again this month for the year but I will have to find new aides prior to the end of the month at an agency that will ultimately accept Medicaid. I am praying that it gets approved soon.

While on FMLA I retained an attorney to help me with the Medicaid application, as well as to help me protect my assets and what little remains of mom. Truthfully, her savings is pretty much gone and she just has what she gets from
SS and a very nominal amount from my dad's pension. It's not enough to cover the aides, so I supplement that at present and, of course, my own savings is going down.

Mom lived in Miami with dad before any of this happened and she did not want to remain in Miami. She said she never liked it there and would prefer to live with me in NY if that was all right with me. Of course, I said it was fine. She's my mom after all and I will not turn her away. She has limited mobility as it is and I anticipated that to worsen with time. I never, however, thought she would ever have dementia. My mom is a PhD and once taught deaf children how to speak before we moved to this country and became naturalized citizens over 50 years ago. Her degree was not recognized, however, until she turned 62 and, by then, she retired to Miami with dad.

I have learned to deal with a lot of new elements that are now part of my altered life. That includes a mother that does not always know or realize who I am. At least she feels safe with me, sometimes remembers but mostly trusts me.

Welcome Nieta63.  You certainly have your hands full!  Good job so far.  My aunt also has what they call vascular dementia, which does get worse.  I took a class in dementia, joined a caregiver group, and read books, articles.  Of course, I had time as I am retired, and 72.  Try NHs that take Medicaid.  She does not have to be much sicker to go to one.  Also try the caregiver's Forum (click on FORUM on green line at top of this page.)  There you can ask questions or, near bottom of that page, join discussions.  You'll probably get more feedback there.

This particular thread is called Caregivers Behaving Badly.  I act more like a brat when I get overtired, almost burnt out, or just tired of the same old, same old.  As a matter of fact, my dog has become a brat.  He's not ever taken food from the table, till auntie started sneaking it to him at dinner time.  When she sits in her 'electric chair' she gives him donut pieces, and has started to put the pieces on the coffee table, and when he won't take it, she gets mad.  So he takes it, looks at me, then scoots into his cave under the table.  Mixed messages, but at least he remembers the messages, unlike auntie.  Sometimes when she starts, he runs upstairs out of sight.  She also has made a habit of calling him in just before going into her bedroom at night.  He has gotten used to it, so he waits for her to call him (which she does even if she just saw him beside me and said goodnight.) Then he runs through the gap between her and the walker and door.  He's so fast she can't close the door, so he gets extra outside time.

Send,
Did you ever wrap "something"? Like 1 husband perchance? In the movie Fried Green Tomatoes the lady wraps herself up in saran wrap naked and meets her husband at door......

Boots,
There is not enough saran wrap for that. But I have heard of a spa that wraps customers in saran wrap.

I liked that movie.

P.S. I just found the saran wrap gun today.....

Name that tune......

Thank you Grannie Annie.
Some days are definitely better than others and that comment holds true for mom and for me.
.
Mom has been remembering more things in bits and pieces at different moments. Unfortunately, just when I think she seems as if she is somewhat back to normal, something happens or she says things that remind me of the reality of the disease.

I have reached out to the Alzheimer's association about recommending me to a caregiver group. Apparently it is the process for the group in my neighborhood. It meets once a month. The church in my neighborhood is not that helpful. I stopped in to speak to a priest several weeks ago and he basically told me to pray for strength while he was looking at his watch. I guess he thought I was in a state where I wouldn't notice. I did.

February 12th will also mark the fifth year anniversary since my husband died unexpectedly to a massive heart attack at work. I basically woke up next to him in the morning and, the next time I saw him, was on a gurney and he was gone. Thirty years ago, my only brother and sibling died unexpectedly on his motorcycle as he was heading to his apartment from our mom and dad's place. I was 24 then and still living at home

I feel a little stoic when mentioning that I arranged burials/arrangements/cremations, memorial masses...for my brother, my husband, my father. I even had to put my first dog down when she was old, in pain and could not walk. My brother had already died by then. I handled my brother's arrangements because my mom and dad were in shock and could not handle things. They were already in their 80s when my husband passed away and could not even fly from Florida to NY to attend my husband's memorial mass.

I'm not fanatical about religions - perhaps because I was pushed to attend mass every Sunday, etc. when I was growing up and in a Catholic School with a handful of strict nuns. I still remember a priest from our school telling me that he could not cross the street to my brother's wake because he had a meeting.

Despite the above, I do believe in God, and consider myself to be a spiritual person even if I don't pray or attend church as often as I probably should. But, I do have faith and believe that I have been gifted with the ability and strength to handle and get through things. They say God does not give one more than they can handle so I imagine he's got a lot of faith in me and a good font to put my trust in.

Feeling a little scared tonight but I guess that's what faith is. "Believing in the absence of virtual proof."

Wishing you and everyone here a peaceful evening filled with hope, courage, strength and pleasant dreams.

Luckylu is behaving badly over on the dinner thread.

My hubs and I will be having country-style pork ribs for dinner, green beans, a baked yam, and cranberry sauce.

Confused on whether the government is shut down or re-opened......
How would anyone be able to tell the difference?

Relaxing on a Friday night.....how about you?

Send,
What is this foreign word you write,"Relaxing"?
:)

Relaxing to me means I get to lay down, with a death grip on my pillow, maybe dozing off, waiting until hubs wakes me up, accidentally, sorry.

Maybe you need to sleep on a nice sofa out with tweety bird Send. Or better yet put hubbie out there.

It is the quietest sounds that wake me....tap tap tap at 11:30 p.m. toothbrush tapping on sink; buzz buzz quiet alarm at 3:30 a.m. (this alarm is in the livingroom) for a Friday morning bike ride; an ignored work alarm goes off a second time and he is in the bathroom after I already woke him up.......etc. etc. etc. until living alone starts to look good. But then, not so good.

i have a clock that drives me crazy with it's ticking.I threw it across the room,but it still keeps ticking.

Mother said to always wash the lettuce before we ate it or we'd get the runs.I continue to give it to my dH unwashed,but he never gets the runs or even the walks.He just lays in bed all day,accomplishing nothing.

Send, sounds like you need a noisier house to drown out all the other little sounds. Or earplugs. I bet staying hyper vigilant doesn't really help you change his behaviours, does it?

It's funny the things you get used to - Luckylu your post about the clock had me remembering how I had to ask my grandmother if she had an alarm clock I could use when I stayed at her place, since that was what I was used to at home I couldn't sleep without that constant ticking. Today I would probably join you in tossing it across the room.

If I have to get up to shut off a cell phone alarm, I hide it in a drawer, wrapped under clothing. Then do not tell where it is.

CWillie,
Hypervigilance comes from PTSD, the earthquake plus.
It has been interesting, trying to give that up.
I would follow a routine schedule, even if it were hubs schedule....if he had one.
Today is a beautiful sunny day here in SoCal, no excuse to not go outdide.

cwillie...I was just the opposite,My Grandmother had a loud ,ticking (antique) clock that drove me crazy when I'd spend the night with her and it kept me awake and annoyed all night.That's why I still don't like the sound,I bet.

When Mother had breathing trouble and had to use a fan on her all the time,I got used to that though and now I still have to have it on to sleep,not just for the air,but also the sound.

I have to be up early Monday to bring things for Rose AND deal with the fallout when she finds out she's not going home.  DH not well, doesn't want an alarm. Maybe I'll sleep in Rose's bed. That should confuse the dog.

Nieta63, sounds like you've been through a lot.  As for help, I answered an ad and they called.  We pay for the companion, and  I get out.  Another resource is your state's Agency on Aging. Some people in my aging care group swapped off with each other.

I am no longer Catholic.  I really like nature, with an outside church.  Found others like me.

my mom (96) lives with me. She has issues her knees are replaced and failing. Bad Osteoporosis (never good), bad curvature of the spine, apnea, anemia. Just diagnosed with mitral valve degeneration.
I take great care of her, last 20 years and she is really doing well. Her hearing is not good even with her hearing aids which she just started wearing after 10 years of them sitting in a box..good saver!
I just had my ears tested and have NIHL from work and need aids. Next Summer...maybe. I am also 72 still working one day a week teaching healthcare and I'm soooo tired, sad and love my mom sooo much.

She yells at me and I have started leaving the room and going to my own hole. I am in school again...stupid move! but I like it. On the deans list!! GO me!

I think dementia is really setting in or sundowners. Mom is a very rational person, bossy at times and very worried when I leave the house. "when will you be home" I reassure her that I will call her on the way, at lunch and when I leave the clinic.
She's mostly ok.

My extended family only houses away are not regular in the visiting department. This is really sad as I moved to this part of the city to be near them.....well? where are you guys?

I realize everyone has a life.
Mom and I seem to be okay so I guess they think we don't need them.

I just started using a grocery delivery service...helps a lot.

I cook all meals. favorites are one bowl meals...veggies and protein in a bowl with rice or potatoes. Fruit or salad on the side. Small portions for both of us.

This yelling at me when I ask her not to do something...out of respect for her pain ...is bothersome. How can I keep my mouth shut not to set her off. its hard when I love her and don't see why she has to "clean up the kitchen".

Let her do what she wants to do, right?

I ran away when she yelled at me and she found me at my computer looking up this site. She apologized and I hugged her. She said she was fearful of dying!! me too I said..who do you think will go first? you or me?....

I hate confrontation and anger...bad marriage with boobs for brains husbands (2). I put up with much in my own space but took on mom and my stepfather 20 yrs ago...we had fun and enjoyed our "family".
I guess I'm just sad, feeling bad. Hate anger at bed time.

Sounds like sundowners to me.
Thanks for having a place to vent. ; )

Er, Reflection...

What part of that is anyone behaving badly???

You and your mother sound like the best couple ever, and whoever heard of a couple who didn't spark off each other sometimes?

If your mother is already annoyed because her knees and hands hurt her when all she's trying to do is wipe down the counters, and then you chip in your two cents - she can't yell at her body but she can yell at you. It's the frustration she's really angry with. I shouldn't comment unless you really have to, like if she's teetering around on stepladders.

Hugs.

Leaving home just after 9:00 p.m. to pick up hubs.
There was a woman draped in black pushing a cart (laundry cart), lurking in the
driveways of our neighborhood, sort of house to house.
She went up on a neighbor's porch.
Later I found out she was selling tamales.

After 9 p.m., really?

Aww the poor thing
selling tamales in this cold weather
I hope she found some buyers

I am finding it really hard these days to care for my elderly father who is 89. He doesn't really have any health issues apart from being elderly but has got used to me doing everything for him so hardly gets out of his chair. His mobility is getting worse as he hardly moves around at all. I try to get him to do a few chair exercises but he's reluctant. If I weren't here, I am sure he would be able to cook for himself and do the basic things but he is doing less and less every day.

It is getting so frustrating. He has a little dog and I have to tell his several times before he gets up to feed him (which is actually the only thing he has been doing these days.
What can I do to motivate him? I don't want to nag him but it's difficult.

Welcome, Julie, and "hugs" as we say on AC.

I'm a little confused by your profile: your father lives in England but you and your husband are resident in Turkey, is that right? So are you staying with your father long term, just for a visit, or what?

Living in an alternate universe?
Phone: "Is (name) there?"
Answer: "Yes, he is".
Pause...
"Do you want to talk to him?"

What is this?
I called, asked for him.
Now I have to ask to talk to him?

There have been some requests about how to behave badly.
No one has any new ideas?
I really could use a laugh tonight.

Here is a good example from 2016:

mom2mom
Aug 2016
A friend at work is moving soon and is collecting boxes. I have boxes and offered to bring them in for her.

Seriously contemplating labeling one of them "sex toys". Either she will spot it and think I'm a freak or she won't notice, will use the box, and her friends will think she's a freak .

Can't decide if I want to do it to one very large box or several medium ones.