Caregivers behaving badly.

Welcome Nieta63.  You certainly have your hands full!  Good job so far.  My aunt also has what they call vascular dementia, which does get worse.  I took a class in dementia, joined a caregiver group, and read books, articles.  Of course, I had time as I am retired, and 72.  Try NHs that take Medicaid.  She does not have to be much sicker to go to one.  Also try the caregiver's Forum (click on FORUM on green line at top of this page.)  There you can ask questions or, near bottom of that page, join discussions.  You'll probably get more feedback there.

This particular thread is called Caregivers Behaving Badly.  I act more like a brat when I get overtired, almost burnt out, or just tired of the same old, same old.  As a matter of fact, my dog has become a brat.  He's not ever taken food from the table, till auntie started sneaking it to him at dinner time.  When she sits in her 'electric chair' she gives him donut pieces, and has started to put the pieces on the coffee table, and when he won't take it, she gets mad.  So he takes it, looks at me, then scoots into his cave under the table.  Mixed messages, but at least he remembers the messages, unlike auntie.  Sometimes when she starts, he runs upstairs out of sight.  She also has made a habit of calling him in just before going into her bedroom at night.  He has gotten used to it, so he waits for her to call him (which she does even if she just saw him beside me and said goodnight.) Then he runs through the gap between her and the walker and door.  He's so fast she can't close the door, so he gets extra outside time.

My mom was diagnosed with dementia on October 20th of last year. I basically took her to a movie on a Sunday and when we came out of the theater, she asked me if dad was back at the house sleeping and also asked me where the woman that brought her to the movies was. My dad had died just under a year earlier so the dad comment confused me. The comment about who brought her to the theater also confused me because that was me. When I told her that I was the one who had brought her, she said, "No, the other woman that was sitting next to you. You just met us here." Being 85 years old with short term memory loss, made me think that perhaps she was tired and/or hungry so, I called a car service to take us to a nearby restaurant. At the restaurant, she commented that she had been there before and even pointed to the table she sat at with dad a couple of weeks earlier. I knew something was terribly wrong.

We were away at my cabin for the weekend so, I shut the place down for the season and brought her home. I immediately called her doctor, whose office was closed until Tuesday. I also reached out t a neurologist in her network and the earliest appointment they would give me was nearly 3 weeks away. On Tuesday morning, I called her doctor again and, when he could not see her that day, I took her to the emergency room at a neighborhood hospital. I'd spent 2 days in my home with mom prior to that not knowing what to say or how to deal with what had happened. Upon performing a few tests, including an x-ray of her head, an EKG, a CT scan and an MRI, the conclusion was dementia brought on by minor strokes, elevated cholesterol and high blood pressure. I stayed in the hospital with her for 4 days until they released her into my care. Trouble is, I had no idea how to deal with someone who had dementia, least of all my own mother.

I forgot to mention that the cardiologist at the hospital also informed me that the main artery to my mother's heart was almost completely sealed with calcium deposits and that, due to her age and recent cognitive decline, she was not a candidate for surgery. So, I'm basically living with a ticking time bomb, whom just happens to be my mom.

I applied for and was approved for FMLA and NYS PLA and, thankfully, my job has a benefit that enables me to pay a copay for back up senior care. That is helpful but, the allotment for that is only 30 days per year and after that I had to pay completely on my own. The benefit started up again this month for the year but I will have to find new aides prior to the end of the month at an agency that will ultimately accept Medicaid. I am praying that it gets approved soon.

While on FMLA I retained an attorney to help me with the Medicaid application, as well as to help me protect my assets and what little remains of mom. Truthfully, her savings is pretty much gone and she just has what she gets from
SS and a very nominal amount from my dad's pension. It's not enough to cover the aides, so I supplement that at present and, of course, my own savings is going down.

Mom lived in Miami with dad before any of this happened and she did not want to remain in Miami. She said she never liked it there and would prefer to live with me in NY if that was all right with me. Of course, I said it was fine. She's my mom after all and I will not turn her away. She has limited mobility as it is and I anticipated that to worsen with time. I never, however, thought she would ever have dementia. My mom is a PhD and once taught deaf children how to speak before we moved to this country and became naturalized citizens over 50 years ago. Her degree was not recognized, however, until she turned 62 and, by then, she retired to Miami with dad.

I have learned to deal with a lot of new elements that are now part of my altered life. That includes a mother that does not always know or realize who I am. At least she feels safe with me, sometimes remembers but mostly trusts me.

I am learning how to post on my phone today. Am babysitting so I don't have access to a computer. The little one fell asleep on the floor and I am being bratty
And have left him there.

That Saran wrap, comes in a huge roll, on a sort of handle, easy to wrap up glass, christmas trees, just about anything. Movers use it. I wrapped up the top of a hutch/china cabinet. There is so much left over!

Hubs is still taking his nap after another day (3 days) of NOT putting the decorations away into the shed. It rained on the box.

I so feel like wrapping something.....

I think that's a great idea FrazzledMama & also think that just putting the tree as it is,in a bedroom and shutting the door would be good too.Who's going to know anyway?

Haven't gotten the Christmas tree down yet, maybe procrastinating just a bit. It feels bare in here after Christmas every year when the lights and decorations are no longer up. I saw a picture online of a tree packed away as is in Saran wrap, decorations and everything. Now that's a tempting thought!

I feel the same way Gershun.We took down our pretty tree today and  were all gonna miss it ,but the water was stinky.

I got through on popcorn, a huge tin of it, some with caramel.  Yes, some donuts left, but I want the cake I got for my husband.

Tomorrow I get out to take the dog in for his shots.  He likes donuts, too.  We'll have to stop and shop.

Shortbread got me through Christmas. That and lots of prayer. I'm so glad it's all over. Although it was sad taking the tree down. It looked so pretty.

Little powdered  sugar donuts got me through Christmas.

Overspent on calendars. I was being bratty on purpose, hubs was acting out and I had to intervene to get him treatment, and a note off work.
Now, more work for myself, having to return calendars.
This is called cutting my nose off to spite my face.

Next time, I am just going out for c o f f e e.

Should I pick up your Mom on the way, GrannieAnnie? Some respite for you!

Sheesh GrannieAnnie,
Do you need a donut? Hope she saved some for you.

I love my late-night quiet time, but I cznnot count on it antmore.  Looks like I can't spell anymore too.  Last night Aunt Rose got up and dressed around 11 pm.  I tied to tell her it was night time in several different ways, but nothing sank in till I said 'It's almost midnight.'  Her answer was 'It IS?' Oh my, my time is all mixed up.' But she kept heading to the kitchen.  I said it again, same response, like it was news.  Then I said I'm going to bed, it's dark out.  Exact same response.  She picked up her cup and headed for the coffee maker.  I took it from her, saying No coffee at night.  It is bed time, then I hid the cup.  Next I gave her a hug and said good-night, turning out all but one light so she could see her way to her bedroom.  and left.  I felt like a brat, but had no control over her sleep, timing, or comprehension.  When I got up this morning, she was asleep, and all the lights were on.  I'm lucky she doesn't leave the house.

Today it was her take-over of my small kitchen while I was very busy finishing supper preparation. She got coffee while she and walker totally blocked the sink. Intent on coffee, she did not react to my calls to move over, so I took hot pan and strainer to counter on other side of sink, then body-checked her to the side so I had room (no, not really, just gentle but firm push. Body slam was only imagined.) Then I could safely pour macaroni and boiling water into colander. Next she made coffee, and held on to counter as she headed toward hot stove. I quickly got her milk and carried cup, but said again 'supper is ready.' So she safely avoided being burnt or scalded, but grabbed the box of donuts. At this time my brat came out, and I knocked the box out of her hand.

No. Do not eat before going to dentist.
Do not over brush either, inflames gums.

My computer just reminded me I have a dentist appointment in half an hour - do you think I have time for lunch first?

LOL
I mean don't delete or make changes to programs or download software unless you know what you are doing.

Cwillie,
Do you mean for security purposes, don't "delete" anything?
I delete e-mail, that is not ok?

Guess that if downloading is not ok, I can no longer change my avatar to the latest pic?

That will be no fun.

I know a lot of people are afraid to play around with their computers but it's the only way to find out how to use them, you just have to remember two important things - don't download and don't delete anything.

Not the modern way:
1) Keep all your calendars.
2) Have a calendar in every room. (hopefully the correct month and year).
3) Write on Only one calendar (working calendar).

Computers are for:
The birds (bird videos).
The wife (logged into Aging Care)
The husband ( watching car chases) (preparing power point for church).

Ooh, ooh, ooh, surprise....there is a calendar on my carousel, Jan. 4th, it is Jan. 4th everyone! Tweety bird let me borrow it.

I still remember Gladimhere 3 years ago, telling me where to find what time it is, showing just at the top of my screen. Maybe a computer class will help this year.

Modern way be damned.

I am not speaking to my device. Literally. Not any more. Not since her response to my command was: "I don't like these random categories."

Excuse me?? Like I need more critics in my life.

Isn't it the modern way to have your calendar on your devices Send? My computer even sends me notices when I have something scheduled.

Now I'm confused

was today trash day or is it tomorrow since there was a holiday?

I bought a new calendar for the bar, but when I threw away the 2018 one - still showing January 😂
There was a 2019 one already underneath- where did it come from - perhaps a charity mailing?
it's not very pretty but should I return the $11 one

ps
that 3 county car chase led the evening news

Lol Send!

That's it, I'm done!
Really, really have lost my calendar for 2019 now.

Asked hubs what the date was.
He said the 4th or 5th. (it is only the 3rd.)
Asked him how he knows what time to go to work, if he gets the date wrong, and his schedule is changing daily.

A big discussion ensued.....me saying it cannot be the 4th, because I am pretty good about paying the rent, so knew what day it was until today.....
besides....I just ask him so I know what day it isn't, and I gain a reference point to help me figure it out. I know that I am responsible for knowing the date myself.
He often confuses me several times during the day.

On New Years Day, we both FORGOT he had to work!!!

Today, he had a car chase on his cell phone, on my laptop, on his laptop LIVE from the news. He never shared live news before, I thought we could not get live news.
So I could not use my laptop.

Finding my calendar, my vitamins, and my starbucks gift card. This confusion is temporary, for me at least. The source of the confusion is not known yet. But I will find that out too!

Nobody panic.

Write on the new calendar first.
I keep losing mine.
Hubs has mocked me, saying "Don't you have a working calendar?"

There is no more room to cross out that many schedule changes, is why.

Today is the day CWillie. You can look forward without forgetting your Mom.

I am now for a calendar in every room, so will be going to those calendar sales.

Happy new year's wishes to everyone.🤗🤗

I got my new calendar off the 50% off rack (yay!) but I'm strangely reluctant to hang it up and officially start the new year.

That sounds idyllic Gershun, fireworks across the river! A Happier New Year!

Luckylu, heard you were late opening Christmas presents! Feel better soon.

CWillie, hubs bus did stop running at 9:54, he could not have made it. Should we look into having GPS implanted? Oh no, not allowed. Almost lost him at
In N Out this time on the way to work, ha ha.

Hope your New Year will be everything you want it to be, and then some.

MsMadge, were you caught sleeping in the New Year? A perfect brat idea!
Hope your night was asleep after your amarretto.

I missed the actual hour, being asleep myself then.

Happy to the brats just reading, and to the newer brats, and to any lonely brats--
Hope your New Years Day is special to you. The caregiving part does not just stop for the holiday calendar-that is why we have c h o c o l a t e !

Missing a few here...Countrymouse, Veronica, Golden, Ali, Stacey, Bookluvr, Glad.
Boots, CDNreader, Guestshop, to name a few.
Really wanted to mention everyone by going back through all the pages-and listing your names, but fell asleep so many times. Golden is the only one able to do names!

So smile for the calendar everybody, and turn the page.

Happy Happy New Year Send! There were fireworks across the river from where we live so we didn't even have to leave our home. We toasted the new year on the balcony!

I'm glad you are home safe Send. Hubs says Happy New year too! Here's to lots of love, health and happiness for the new year for you, me and everyone on AC.

Oh, and the kitties say hi too!

Thanks Gershun! Safe, home because he got off earlier!!!
Traffic was easy at 7 p.m.
We ate, he is ready to sleep.
Alone again, naturally.

Have a wonderful New Year Gershun! Same time zone, in Canada, great!
Best to your hubs too on this occasion, bringing in the New Year with cheer.

3 hours to go in PST.

Send, I hope you and Hubs get home safe and sound. Happier New Year!