Caregivers - Who is that haggard person looking back at you when you look in the mirror?

I've learned to love that old woman in the mirror (me). I'll be 68 next month, my beloved hubby passed away last year, and now I'm here taking care of my 96yr old Dad who has moderate/severe LB Dementia. So, I've learned to relax about it all. It is what it is. We're all Comfortable, Safe, and Clean here in our home. It's a lot - It's a whole lot! I know. But, I've learned this past year to be gentle with myself. I have little to no help - so It's just me, myself, and I. I call the grays sprouting madly on my head my little streaks of silver star dust. I don't put any make-up on much any longer. I do bathe daily (when Dad is sleeping) and I walk out in the garden as much as I can to get my Vit D from the Sun. We live off a river - I grew up here - so this is huge for me. I meditate, get my 10,000+ steps in per day and hardly ever watch the tv (no news, especially), I listen to soft gentle music, and breathe deeply when I'm extra stressed. I guess what I'm trying to say is just be gentle with yourself while you're going through this phase of life. Be gentle. Do what makes you feel good - even if it's just putting a pretty top on or a bit of perfume - just do it! You deserve it! Take care.

Lost, sorry if my generic 'Care Home' term is not helpful.

Whilst being on this forum has taught me the difference between Board & Care, Assisted Living & Skilled Nursing Homes, I am in Australia & our terms differ. Newer guildlines mean each Residental Aged Care Home should offer permanent living but also short term stays (after a hospital stay or for family respite). At any care need level.

In reality it can take a ring around to find an available bed for the time needed. My Mother has had respite stays ar several local places now. Costs varied too.

Without being able to pre-book a Skilled Nursing Bed..? Couldn't that lead to LOs being dropped at an ER (aka Granny/Gramps Dump) when family need a break or travel away?

The alternative like you say, 24/7 care at home.. just too much $$$. Plus ensuring staff were trained & could handle the LO's needs. Too much stress +++

It seems very unfair to me you cannot pre-book & take a break.. I guess it is not cost efficient to hold a bed empty awaiting a possible booking.

May you find ways to add some extra little pieces of joy into your daily life ✨️ 🤗

Hi Beatty,

Thanks for your suggestions. Could you please be more specific about "Care Homes for Respite"? Are you referring to some sort of Board & Care arrangement, an assisted living facility, or a skilled nursing facility..? Or is there something else out there I should know about that might be an option for him?

The reason I ask is because my husband would need a skilled nursing facility for respite. His needs are beyond what an assisted living facility can provide. Ditto a board and care home is out of the question. DH needs to be under the care of a skilled professional caregiver, not just someone to chat with him or make him meals.

I've contacted most of the local skilled nursing facilities and they won't take respite care reservations in advance. That means I can't make any advance travel reservations for myself at a hotel or a bed & breakfast either.

Arranging in-home 24/7 respite care with with the in-home caregiver agencies would cost more than a skilled nursing facility.

I'm aware that DH qualifies for placement in a long term care facility, but my husband isn't ready for that, and neither am I. I can see that it'll happen sooner or later, but DH and I hope it will be later. Much later.

So I guess respite care isn't going to happen without a very complicated and expensive plan - which I'm too tired to figure out because I need respite care.

haha

😂

Olday for caregivers is more like it .

That's a great marketing strategy, Olay, for caregivers. 🤔😁

venting,

I kid you not , I love it when I need to wear sunglasses . Everyone looks better with sunglasses on.

I'm looking for a moisturizer that hides the fact that I've been tired since 2010...
;)

LostinPlace, I've been thinking about how you could get affordable respite.. I guess start with the most local, easy to get to Care Homes that offer Respite. Get the costing. Call your council maybe & see if ANY kind of Gov funding help is available for carers?

Your week away.. no planes or long drives. Do you have a Seniors Centre? Would they run or know about any package tours for seniors? Or would you prever complete solo time?

I took a frugal holiday one time.. Stayed in an Air BnB in an un-touristy town, art gallery & museums were free/low cost. Lovely gardens, free. No cooking! I treated myself to hot lunches at cafes then cold supermarket packet food for dinner. Much cheaper than dinners out - plus I could avoid being out alone at night.

Thanks for the replies.

Well....of course I'm depressed (aren't we all?!) But I'm not spiralling or in crisis mode - far from it. I have numerous little teeny mini quasi happy moments every day which I cherish. I'm grateful for just about anything and everything that's not an emergency.

But you're right; I really do need a "real" respite, a total break from the daily grind. Thankfully, I have a fabulous caregiver who comes here for hubby 5 days a week for 5 hours a day. This helps tamp down the burnout process to a low simmer.

At 74 (and a half!) I'm pretty beat. I haven't had an actual full day off in 4 years. What I need/want/dream of is to put my husband in respite care at a decent nursing facility for about a week, and I need to go somewhere affordable yet beautiful and peaceful....sigh....sounds simply wonderful, doesn't it?

But whenever I actually start planning this, the cost just harshes my mellow (sorry, I'm a boomer). Husband needs 24/7 care -$$$$$$$$$$$$, Would have to be self pay - no other options (and believe me I've researched this thoroughly). On top of the self pay for hubby's respite care, I'd be paying for my own week away. $$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$
I don't think staying at home while husband is at respite would give me any sense of respite. So I'm looking for a nearby hotel/motel/airbnb/bed&breakfast, etc, plus evaluating the cost of food $$$$$$$ (and NO I WON'T COOK during this week). No trains or planes - that cuts down the cost. a little.

I think I'm just too tired to make good plans and go on the darned vacation. (Maybe I'll hitch a ride on rh's upcoming cruise to Alaska, you know which forum poster I'm referring to, right? The one who is taking his wife with dementia on a cruise and wanted our advice and then he kind if ignored our advice.)

And about that person in the mirror...she's looking worse every day. It's so hard to add self-grooming stuff into my routine when everything else takes 110% of my energy.

Apologies for the wallowing in self pity - but waaaahhhhh!
(sound of baby crying).

At sixty six years old going on sixty seven, I settled for nice jeans and nice tops when going out. I wear uniforms and tennis shoes anyway. For me, I stopped coloring my hair, so I'm invested in an assortment of wigs. LOL My clients got a kick out of the wigs. Actually, I have them to match the type of uniform I'm wearing. I've kept a couple out that I wear on a regular.

I wear light make-up. For us golden gals, less is more. I don't dig for jewelry any longer except for my large hoop earrings, a watch and a pinky ring when I'm going out. I don't need to overdo it if I'm wearing one of my fancier type wigs.

Church is usually informal. So, I don't overdress for that either even though I have nice dresses left over from my office job and heels. The sidewalks are so uneven, I'm afraid of falling.

I’d already adopted a bare minimum hair and makeup routine. We don’t live a very exciting life in a pretty small town. I don’t need to dress up for the grocery shop. I do always bathe. Wear perfume. I only dress nicely for big city Dr appts w mother or social events/ holidays. I manage to walk a mile most days with my favorite music in my ear buds. That’s the biggest help. That said, I was just prescribed Prozac for the horrible anxiety. When I told my provider what’s behind it, she said “that’s a lot of life going on”

I have ALWAYS ignored that old woman in the mirror.
She DOES follow me EVERYWHERE.
As to mirrors in the house? I might be Sitting Shiva, so well they are gone or covered.

Rx
You must make time to shower daily and wash your hair.
Moisturize, repeat the next day.

If you can do this, the answers will come.

Seems simple.

I love Midwest’s response to your question.

What are you doing, if anything, for respite? You sound very depressed.

You are probably running on an empty tank.

Stop, refuel, nourish yourself with something just for you. It’s not a luxury. It’s a necessity when you are running out of fuel.

Do you have any outside help? Have you been in contact with Council on Aging in your area?

Start there. They will help guide you through the caregiving process. Please be honest with them and let them know that you need help.

Keep us posted. We care.

So sorry, difficulttimes, you sound depressed, which is very understandable, take care of yourself, keep your chin up. Maybe try to enjoy the little things in life. Where here if us need to vent?

I feel the same way. Never wear makeup anymore, always in stretch pants and tshirt and generally have given up on me. I so understand your feelings. I just try to get through each day with my husband who has Parkinson’s.

Thank you for the helpful replies about the little things we caregivers can do for ourselves on a daily basis that lift our spirits.

I start thinking about how to make life even better when my caregiving situation isn't in crisis mode, when things are more stable, when I have a tiny bit of energy, when the general outlook looks sunnier....

P.S. @MidKid, I just saw your post....I'm so sorry to hear about what's going on with your husband. Sounds like he's suffering deeply with grieving and depression, which of course causes you much anguish to witness.

I think I'd seek counselling for some experienced advice about how best to help my husband. (Otherwise I'd be circling down the old familiar rabbit hole... depleting my own energy from chasing my own tail trying to figure out what the heck to do to solve this.) LO needs professional help to recover from this major loss and hopefully a skilled and respected counsellor of some sort (social worker, mental health practitioner, therapist, possibly even your primary care physician) can provide guidance regarding how to get your husband to agree to engage in therapy and/or meds to get through this period as smoothly as possible.

Sending good wishes.

Midkid, I'm so sorry, my neighbor lost her dad and husband in November, 2 weeks apart. I had a chat with her a couple weeks ago, when she was finally awake. When she was sleeping she was in less emotional pain. It was her escape. After I said something she is trying harder, and is up more.

Does your husband have any friends or family that can get him outta bed, sometimes advice or a push from the outside is better received because your so close to him.

My DH is an attractive man of 72. VERY attractive, I will say, Women hit on him all the time.

However, this last year, caring for his mother until her death in February has aged him 10 years. His hair became totally white and his skin is a grey-toned as opposed to his year round golf tan.

He looks miserable all the time. Even tho MIL is gone, he is still stuck in 'depressed' mode.

IDK what to do for him or about him. It makes me sad, b/c he doesn't want to DO anything or go anywhere. He rarely smiles and if he sits down anywhere, he's sound asleep in minutes, no matter where we are.

It's just so sad. He's losing out on the last years of his life and I can't do or say anything to help him. Refuses counseling and any kind of therapy. Just sleeps all day, day after day.

It's been 4 months since MIL died and he has gotten a lot worse, mood wise. I know grieving can be a very long process, but he's actually worse than he was 4 months ago.

He's making no attempt to deal with his emotions. Just sleeping. And binge watching terrible TV shows.

May I ask what you’re doing for respite? Do you have caregivers that can stay with your husband when you go out? And I don’t mean to run to the grocery store or pharmacy. My respite time was when my husband was at dialysis—that’s when I would pay more attention to my appearance and go to coffee or lunch with friends. Without that, I would have hired caregivers, at least periodically.

Sorry, just realized I misread your question. On a daily basis, I would always put on blush so that I looked alive lol and maybe a little tinted lip balm. If you have some simple jewelry that won’t get in the way of caregiving duties, take a moment and put it on and then enjoy looking at it. It’s also easy to throw on a nicer top just for dinner, don’t worry about the shorts and tennies underneath! And speaking of underneath, you can always wear some pretty undergarments.

I was thinking about this just yesterday. Not so much in relation to caregiving but anything that takes you away from yourself.

For instance, new mothers always look harrassed, worn down. People studying for exams. People who work long hours.

If you are putting yourself out there for someone or something, appearance seems to take a back seat. I used to spend a fair amount of time primping in front of the mirror. Then caring for mom happened. Then she died and depression happened. My looks started to seem very unimportant. There's a part of me that still wants to primp but now at age 62 (which is by no means ancient, don't get me wrong) I just find it all too much effort. As long as I'm still cleansing and moisturizing, I find swiping a bit of powder and lipstick is about all I can face.

Don't follow my example. If you can manage it, primp a bit. But also give yourself a break too.

Lostinplace. I think a lot of us feel that way at times. Also I just think in general people don't dress up near as much. I always pretty much wear decent looking shorts and tee or something like that, caprese but I went out and bought myself new tee shirts at BJS there nice enough, and I make sure not to ditch the face creams and some cover up, little blush, I don't go all out , I do always paint my toes or get them done, it's my little pleasure that makes me feel good.

I do wake up say I'm going to look my best today, dress up and hour latter I'm back in my tees and shorts because there is always something to do, that gets you dirty.

I'd say pick a few things that you don't neglect ever to make you feel good about your self. Like don't neglect your hair or something, anything that makes you feel like a woman.

What about getting “ fixed up “
at home for a “ date “ with hubby ?

Order a nice meal to be delivered , be dressed the way you want to dress even if it’s only for a couple of hours . Set the table alittle nicer, put on some music . And you didn’t have to cook !