Caregiving for a narcissistic mother. Do we do it out of love or out of years of guilt and programming?

Piper, it comes down to this: as long as you are “suffering“ (and “working” seems to fall into this category) they will leave you alone. But if they think you have some free time or, God forbid, that you might actually be enjoying yourself, that is not acceptable and they will steal that time from you. This is so unhealthy, as that “down time” for you is when you should be resting, relaxing, connecting with friends - all things that are important to your own well-being.

Lealonnie- your Feb 10 post really hit home. My NM did/tries to do all the things you describe: rewriting history; hour long monologues; nothing you do is ever good enough...] So I finally made the decision to simply quit talking to her on the telephone. It seemed so 'defiant' at first, since 'calling your mother' had been ingrained and enforced by NM, and i expected disaster. Actually, it was great. I sent all her calls to me to voicemail, which i screen with a transcription service. I rarely respond, because she wants to get me on the phone so she take her potshots without anyone else hearing. (Covert abuse is a favorite tool of hers...) I also started limiting visits to no more than once every month or 5-6 weeks, even though I live in same city. Again, no disaster! I always take husband to visits, because NM won't get nasty in front of him. While at mother's I busy myself with loading dishwasher, putting dog out, playing with my phone...I never talk about my personal life, what i am doing/not doing, just go 'hmmm, really, yes, hmmm' and then leave. She doesn't like it, but that really isn't my problem anymore. Please consider stepping back from calls/visits if you can. Expect the bad behavior to ramp up for awhile (to try and get you 'back in line'). Limit your time even more with increased bad behaviors. Eventually, your mother may 'chill' a bit, because she will fear you will disappear for good and she will have no one.

Stilldealing, such excellent advice! Great also that you ditched the guilt.

Stilldealing......I believe you are referring to ExhaustedPipers post of 2.10 where she's talking about her mother's antics. All of our NMs share lots of common traits though, don't they? 🤐 The covert b.s. they pull is really the worst. Acting all sweetie sweetie to the rest of the world and like Linda Blair in The Exorcist to US! Good for you letting your NMs calls go to vm! We're trained like seals to jump every time they bark, then ask How High as well, then wait to hear how none of it was good enough ANYWAY! It's empowering once we realize we don't HAVE TO take orders anymore, and stop doing so!

Re working: I have had a small but successful career as a self-employed editor/translator for 20 years and it's what keeps me sane. My mother knows this but - in common with many - doesn't seem to think working from home is a real job, and of course as a female nothing I do is as important as what men do!

Piper, my mum is indeed in AL, but she boasts about 'not being a joiner' when anyone suggests she get to know fellow residents or take part in most social events - which aren't happening anyway now because of the management's dread of the virus. (They have opted for risking ruining the mental and emotional health of their residents in order to protect them from COVID. I know it's a difficult choice...)

Today would have been my father's 91st birthday, but we lost him 24 years ago. He would be horrified if he saw what my mother has become in recent years, though perhaps not totally surprised, as her own mother was a recluse with no interests as well and ended up with dementia. The difference is that she didn't like being 'helped'. But I now think my dad must have enabled my mum's narcissism by giving in to her all the years they were married, and when he went she transferred her expectations to first my brother and now my husband (and me).

Lea, we have limited visits to twice a week and she seems to accept it, grudgingly, but I fear problems when lockdown is finally over and my fledgling boundaries are tested...! It makes me so sad that a relationship that is 'supposed' to be close and affirming is so fraught with tension and negativity. If I thought *my* children had any of these feelings towards me, I don't think I could cope.

Helen, your work is important to you, whether your mother sees this or not. When lockdown is eased, why not stick to the twice a week visits only, by saying that your work has now really picked up and you don’t have any time to see her more frequently? Of course she won’t be happy, but at least it gives you a “script” to talk from. Don’t get into an argument about it. It is what is is, end of story. I agree that these people have got through life with no one ever challenging their behaviour, and thus enabling it further. In my mother’s case I think people either ran around after her every princess whim, or avoided her completely. No one ever challenged it. I’ve been thinking about how I’ll deal with my mother in her supported living when lockdown is over. If I’m honest, I don’t really want to see her at all. My head is still spinning from her living here for so long, and it will take a while for me to re-emerge into my own life after 10+ years of her being here. I want to know she is safe and cared for, but beyond that, I don’t think I like her very much and so don’t want to spend any time with her. And I don’t feel guilty for feeling or saying that either. That is the legacy of a lifetime of having a NM.

Stilldealing, good for you for stepping back and being able to successfully limit your time. The ONLY thing that stands in the way of me reducing contact to your level is that my mom has dementia, and therefore I have to make sure she is safe on a pretty much regular basis. She lives 200 feet from me in her own place, so I get time away by letting her know I can't socialize at certain times (my fake job) but I am available for any legit emergencies.

Still, much of what you said rang true for me too. It's amazing how our narc mothers share so many of these traits. The covert abuse is one I know well also. When I was growing up my dad was the buffer. Now my DH is that buffer. How sad that we need people with us to avoid both our fear and their abuse.

Something else that you said resonated with me some too. In the 3 years I've been doing this with my mom as my tolerance for her bulls*** got lower and lower it became easier to stick to the boundary of not accepting abuse. I think it's starting to sink in for my mother that I WILL pull the plug if she pushes me too far. I've said enough to her during heated discussions that she knows I will have NO problem if this arrangement can no longer work out. Since she doesn't see any other options to her satisfaction she has backed off on the complaints, somewhat.

Chris- you are so right, they leave us alone if we are suffering and work is kind of part of that. I've faked sick too to get a break. But having fun is a totally different story. For awhile I was a single parent when my son was very young. My mom loved to frequently tell me she was "not a babysitter!" and the only way she would watch my son is if she approved of what I was doing, like working overtime, and even that was limited. If I wanted to go out on a date, forget it. My dad on the other hand couldn't get enough of my son, and as sick as it is I think that made my mom jealous. She would be the one to tell me NO, we are not babysitting so you can go out! So I would pay the neighbor money I couldn't afford to go out like once a month.
Now here we are- my now adult son is very close to his Nana on his dad's side (so I am for that matter) but doesn't have much to do with my mom aside from the few obligatory visits he does for my sake.

These narc mothers truly prove you reap what you sow.

Chris, when covid restrictions are lifted will your mom have more opportunities to socialize? Either way, I think you should only visit when you actually want to, and if that means very low contact so be it. You have done MORE than enough. No way I'm making the ten year mark here. So you have every right and even a duty to yourself and your DH to get back to living your lives. Your mom is safe and cared for and you can now put as much distance between you and her elder care as needed.

Helen, your mom brags about not joining in the group activities? Omg- PLEASE do not feel guilty about not socializing with her, she is making a CHOICE here! She may prefer you as her solution, but it's not fair to you and you are the only one who can force her to adapt to other people. It's often said around here as long as you keep being the solution the stubborn elder will not look for other solutions. I hope you can step way back to curb your own resentment (for which I don't blame you!) and force your mom to interact with her peers.

Piper, when lockdown is lifted, mum's supported living place will organise regular social events and outings which she can join in with if she wishes. To be honest, she's never really had friends she would meet up for coffee with or go shopping with. She's always just wanted to do what she wants, and having friends gets in the way of that. I plan to limit my contact and to do it on my terms. It looks like she's already found other residents where she is who she's roped in to "help" her with things, so I am of less use to her already.

Chriscat-I haven't completely ditched the guilt (that sinking pit stomach feeling whenever I purposely avoid interaction with NM). I avoid her because interaction with her was damaging my mental health (increased anxiety, poor sleep), and affecting my (otherwise good) marriage. I think as long as NM is alive, I will carry around the guilt, dismay, anger and resentment, whichI liken it to stinking s@#t on my shoes...that smell you just can't place but can't get rid of ... For those of you whose parent is in a facility, I envy you. At lease someone else is seeing to the parent's food, shelter, etc. and you have options to limit social interactions, but know your parent is still safe. Alas, I still have the 'independent' mom, who hasn't driven in 45 years, hasn't grocery shopped alone in the same amount of time, has never mowed her 2 acre lawn, (she gets relatives to do it for free, being too cheap to pay anyone), never does her own household repairs or find workmen for it (then complains about the workmen we line up), but she is SOOOO independent. Now she is falling, soiling herself, etc and refuses to go to the very nice hospice facility we could arrange for her, or allow suitable skilled nursing at home. I know if I try to help her, or even see/talk to her more, she'll try to guilt me into enabling her to stay in her situation, with me literally cleaning up her nasty messes. It is a very difficult situation, but I have to make myself stick to my distancing plan, for my own good and hers as well. Perhaps it will force her to agree to going to a hospice facility. Thank you all for this space; sorry for the vent.

Reading through the last few comments...

To all of you, forced into battles for your time & brain space with these women with 'strong' personalities... My hat goes off to you all!

They all seem to have common traits of really not being aware/or caring if your canoe capsized & you were literally drowning trying to pull their canoe along... as long as they are ok.

Keep treading water. Float for a while & reassess the situation. Leave their canoe tied to a tree in a safe place & swim away if you need to.

Your life is worth fighting for.

Stilldealing....your NM is "independent" while relying on everyone else to take care of her 100%, which isn't "independence" at all but full dependence. Might I ask why you've all agreed to do everything for her and to maintain this facade? I made it clear to my parents right from the beginning that they wouldn't be moving in with me, and arranged for an Independent Living senior apartment 5 miles away from my house for them. When their care needs got too great, I arranged for them to move to Assisted Living. My mother now lives in Memory Care these days at 94. No guilt at all on my part, these were the terms up front. For the past 10 years, I've managed their entire lives for them, all but the hands on care giving, and it's been a lot of work. But I can live alone with my DH in peace so that's a good thing. Dad died in 2015, but mom has enough issues that it's the equivalent of having 4 elders to deal with....lol.

When mom runs out of money for private pay, I'll apply for Medicaid and move her to Skilled Nursing if she's still living. I'm not equipped or qualified to care for elders with dementia and lots of physical conditions and limitations. So that was my plan all along and I'm glad I was firm about it. I think at some point you have to say ENOUGH, I can't do that, and step back, you know? Learn to say NO MOTHER, I cannot possibly do that, you'll have to hire help or go into a hospice home. And stick to your guns. A guilt trip is only a useful manipulation tool if she sees that it WORKS. Stop falling for it! You have nothing to be guilty FOR!

stilldealing, I'm new to the thread here but in something of your same situation in that my mom is 82 and 'independent.' Of course that means expecting me to sit on the phone for at least an hour a day to "keep her company" and do as many things *for* her as she can manipulate me or spouse into doing.

Unfortunately my brother is mentally ill and I'm the only child available to provide care, but luckily Mom has been in her community for a long time and does have some friends in the area, so I'm going to let her call some of them for companionship, odd jobs etc.

Mom is currently planning to sell items from her hoarded home and move into a smaller place (closer to me so I can take care of her, is her logic - little does she know my phone can go to voicemail just as easily once she lives closer, also I suspect it will be some time till this move takes place because I am NOT going to go over there and dispose of/pack things up for her.)

I need to be involved here to keep up my resolve though. Like many moms I read about on here mine will stop at nothing to suck up all my time/resources/mental energy and I'm trying to avoid being "guilted" into doing too much. I love the idea ExhaustedPiper had to invent a job! I think I'll do that soon. Mom is affecting my sleep, marriage and mental state and like everyone else I'm struggling with covid also. Spouse lost his job a few months ago and is leaning on me for support pretty hard but Mom never asks about that of course.

So glad this board exists. It's already helped me so much. <3

'I want to know she is safe and cared for, but beyond that, I don’t think I like her very much and so don’t want to spend any time with her. And I don’t feel guilty for feeling or saying that either. That is the legacy of a lifetime of having a NM.'

THANK YOU so much for saying this, Chris! It's what I feel but I haven't quite got rid of the guilt yet...

Thanks to all for your comments and suggestions. I am so sorry that there are so many of us dealing with this, but it really helps to have support!

To all of the posters here, and particularly to the newbies, it’s so important to develop an awareness of what’s going on with your NM and how it’s affecting you. There is a lot of guilt showing up in some of these posts, whilst others have a huge amount of self awareness and ideas on how to deal with the problems. If you are feeling weak, or your resolve is starting to crumble, re- read some of these posts to regain strength. Without this forum I don’t think I would have made such progress in dealing with my mother and taking care of myself more. I’ve just dropped some more stuff at my mother’s during a break in the bad weather. Once again she expected me to break Covid rules and go inside, just because she couldn’t be bothered to take the things to her room herself, none of which were heavy or bulky, and her room is very close to the main door of the building anyway. I take a few things over each week so she has plenty of time to sort through things, bit by bit - which is an ideal winter job in lockdown, when there is little else to do. Now she has got fed up of sorting through her things, and said she will wait for Covid restrictions to be lifted, so that I can come and sort her stuff out for her! Such entitlement! I refused and said she must do it herself, then I left. It is great to come back home again and leave her behind with her own responsibilities. Helen, I am just being open and honest about how I feel. I too feel guilt from time to time, but I read posts on this forum and it goes away!

Chris good for you for pushing back on sorting your mom's things for her! She is lucky you drop them off. These narcs will never change. I agree with you that awareness is SO important. If I had the same awareness I have now 3+ years ago I wouldn't be in this boat. I would have led my mom straight to assisted living, on her dime only, period. UGH - I have SO much regret and getting out of this is going to be long and difficult. So to all those who are just waking up to this- do not move them in with you or next to you.

No loving mother would do this to her child. I read something here a little while back - the poster was talking about her mother's awareness that she (the mother) was a burden. She would even apologize to the poster, her daughter. But she was WILLING to be a 7 year burden to her daughter rather than adjust her expectations as to how she wanted to live. In other words, another one who would rather suck the life out of their child than go to assisted living or professional care.

My mother was and is obviously also willing to do this. She knows she is a burden. She doesn't care, and she in fact feels entitled to hijack my life. I'm giving this another year, but when the time comes to have the "I'm not doing this anymore" talk - it's not going to be as emotionally grueling as I once imagined. I'm too bitter with resentment.

In fact, it makes me wonder. Has anyone with a narc mother ever called them out for being an abusive parent? Or even telling them they were a crappy parent? I don't think I ever have. I've always been too afraid. She is the only person on earth that has treated me poorly and I've literally been afraid to stand up for myself.

That is slowly changing now that I am living this nightmare. You are right Lea that when pushed to the edge it can bring out the bull in us.

Thanks Piper. In answer to your question, no, I’ve never called my mother out on her abuse or poor parenting. It would be met with astonishment, self pity, lies, rage and further manipulation. I don’t need all that and would rather go Gray Rock. You make an interesting observation though - it’s probably a common fact that most victims don’t challenge their abuser, whether through fear of reprisals, the emotional toll of the fall out, or even that little voice inside telling you it’s really all your fault. Piper, it’s a shame you feel bitter and resentful, but if this gets channelled into a firmer stance with your mother when the time is right, then the pain of this now might be worthwhile.

EP: I've had some 'discussions' with my mother about my childhood and I'm always met with astonishment & gaslighting, like Chris just said. She will say that I've INVENTED the stories, so what's the point, other than getting it off of MY chest? She knows, in her heart of hearts, the truth, but can't bear it, so she can have her delusions while I have MY truth. You know?

An odd thing has happened. Mom's dementia has been declining recently, and she's been put back on Cymbalta at my request. She was on it last Jan and her dementia had worsened, but her neuropathy leg pain had IMPROVED. At the time, the change in her was so odd, that I had her taken OFF the Cymbalta, and she went back to her old self, complaining, nasty & argumentative, etc., and back to the bad neuropathy pain which continued to worsen to a place of agony, according to her. Even with 4 pain pills a day, she could not bear the pain, so I made the decision to get her BACK on the Cymbalta again for another go at it.
Her disposition has undergone a huge change now...........gone is the nasty, argumentative and complaining woman who was impossible to even deal with. She's now softer and easier in general! Her leg pain has dramatically improved as well. BUT.........and here's the but (b/c there is ALWAYS a BUT with my mother), her delusions have increased dramatically! Now she is in this loop where she thinks she has to come to my house & 'care for the children, her children' and on and on. She's also trying to call her sisters (who are deceased) and her mother who is also deceased, so I tell her I will call them FOR her to let them know she 'won't be coming over to care for the children'. Sigh. Last night she called to say that she had gotten dressed to come over to my house after looking for me 'over at her place' and not being able to find me. So now IDK.........it's a trade off. Much less pain for more delusions? Or much more pain for an ugly and miserable complaining & nasty woman? I will speak to her doctor tomorrow about the whole mess. But I spoke with DD last night who's an RN and she's picking #2.............less pain & more delusions. I called over to the MC this morning & she's fine. She seems to be sundowning.......worse in the late afternoons, which is typical for dementia ANYWAY, so some of this would be ANYWAY, even w/o the new meds.

It's extremely ODD to listen to my mother acting civilized to me over the phone, though, I must say! She asks how I am! She even said .................."I miss you so much" the other day! I was flabbergasted! Too bad she wasn't on this type of anti-depressant medication her WHOLE LIFE, is what I have to say! I also wonder how many of these NMs truly NEED medication to balance out their horrible personalities? But their personalities is what PREVENT them from seeking help and then taking the medications!

lealonnie, glad to hear your mother is feeling better with the Cymbalta, but sorry to hear about the increase in delusions. It is a trade off. I agree with your DD that being on Cymbalta is worth the trade off!! She is being civil to you. I would just play along with her delusions. I wouldn't tell her there is nothing there. I would just go along with it.

I agree that mothers like ours should have been on an antidepressant YEARS AGO!!! But like you said, you can't get them to the doctor for an anidepressant because they don't think there is anything wrong with THEM!! They think it is everybody else!!!! Hope the Cymbalta continues to help and helps with her nastiness and disagreements!!! Good luck. Hugs to you!!

Thanks Elaine! Mom has been on Wellbutrin since 2011 but it's done nothing for her.......literally NOTHING. The change with Cymbalta is staggering, really. To go from beastly to lamb-like is astonishing!! I just feel badly about all these delusions, you know?? Sigh. One thing after another. Hugs to you too dear friend.

lealonnnie, I do hope that being on Cymbalta will continue to help your mom not be negative and nasty and that you will have nice interactions with her. That is really the main thing right now is to have her be NICE and PLEASANT to you.

I say this to you because as you know my mother got very nasty to me. To the point that 2 days before she had the stroke she told me she didn't love me. That hurt. Now that she is gone, my brain plays back every single negative comment she said to me these last couple of years.

So if being on Cymbalta will take away the nastiness part of her at the end, when the time comes, you will have RECENT memories of her that you can look back on with FOND memories.

For me to get through the negative replays in my head, I will reread cards and notes that she sent me way back in the 1980's and 1990's that were full of love and compassion to me. I also play back voicemail messages that I kept from her this past year. I made sure to only keep the ones where she was kind and talking nicely, and it helps me immensely!!!

Take care lealonnie and big hugs back to you!!

I agree with all you've said Elaine, you're right. I've been worried about being left with so many negative memories of my mother before she passes away, so it would be nice to have some good ones. I even told my DD to call grandma; that 'you'll be gobsmacked at the change in her'. Even now though, she still only asks about my son, never my daughter...........thinking that her grandson is 'her son' and makes no mention of my daughter!! Odd, isn't it, how the mind works, even in the throes of dementia? My son has always been idolized by my mother, while my DD has been the second class citizen.

I think you are wise to reread the cards & notes she sent you in happier times, before the mental illness took over completely........b/c that's what it WAS: mental illness. It's easy for ME to say that to YOU, a lot harder for YOU to comprehend it on an emotional level. When our mothers say/do mean things, it cuts to the bone, that's the truth. Thank God you have those vms and cards/notes to remember her by, b/c that's how she'd want you to remember her now that she's gone.

Lealonnie-to answer your question about why the facade of 'independence' has been maintained: my mother has guilted-manipulated-shamed-gaslighted-lied-scapegoated-goldenchilded-showtimed my several siblings as well. Unfortunately, they haven't sorted through the consequences of her abnormal parenting and continue to cater to her, even though they know she is abusing their time and generosity, and hate it. She also shamelessly uses more distant family members to do her dirty work if we refuse, and then brags about it. To respond to the question of confronting a NM directly about abusive behavior, I did do so a few years ago. To say it didn't go well, is an understatement. (Narcissist rage is a very real and very bad thing to experience. It is true insane behavior.) I still feel singed by the experience. The hatred, intensity and venom of her rage was shocking even for me. Previously, I had tried to at least focus on whatever good points/characteristics she had, but now, I am only disgusted. On the plus side, I think she realizes she finally crossed the line, and now is very careful what she says to me on the few occasions I speak to her/see her. (An iceberg is warmer than I am.) If she slips even a bit, I reinforce limited contact. It is so exhausting...

stilldealing; I often say how unbelievable it is that ONE person can cause SO much chaos, isn't it? :(

Sending you a hug today for all the exhaustion you feel. It's so hard, I know.

So Mom has given her 60 day notice at her ALF.

The company she hired to find her an apartment has told her that finding an apartment with a walk in shower could be difficult. I told her that I think the walk in shower is paramount, because of her mobility issues. She's not having it!!

I called her this morning and as usual had to listen to her list of complaints.

She actually asked me how I was doing!! I was mid sentence, telling her that I'm having some of my original cancer symptoms again, when she cut me off. "I have to go. My breakfast is here. "

D*** it to Hell!!! I know better than to go down that road!! Lol

Rule # 1) never give a narcissist personal information!!

My bad!!🤐🤐🤐

Xrayjodib-I feel for you. Is it possible for you to refuse to help your mother find an apartment, sort out her stuff, move her stuff, etc (all the things associated with moving)? If so, she might find it too difficult/demanding to do on her own (narcissists are VERY good at getting other people to do their work and solve their problems) and give up the idea. Maybe refuse to even discuss the move? Maybe not verbally refuse, but just not engage? (hmmm, sure, hmmm...) After all, you can get off the phone 'when your breakfast comes', while she is complaining about her trials and tribulations. I have learned not to engage in my mother's "problems" (usually created by her own foolishness), and I am learning not to worry (NM trained anxiety) about the consequences SHE incurs by HER actions. Its not easy, but do-able, and so much more sane for me.

Stilldealing, you are very self aware of your situation with your mother, and so can offer really valuable advice to others on this forum. Jodi, you MUST take care of yourself and make your health your number 1 priority right now, regardless of what your mother is doing.

Stilldealing,

I have asked her who she is going to hire to move her?

Fortunately (I guess), I had spine surgery recently and I have not been cleared by my Surgeon to lift anything over 10lbs. So she knows that she has to hire a moving company.

Because Mom isn't thinking beyond her intial move, she isn't thinking about who is going to unpack , hang curtains, clean house etc...

The truly sad part is that I know she's not gonna be happy in an apartment either. She's never gonna be happy anywhere!!

I've tried to broach the subject of the "what if" my cancer comes back, or "what if" I am just sick in general? I know her enough to know that she has just dug her heels in and is not going to budge!

Despite the fact she absolutely knows how stressful caring long distance for my Aunt is, she doesn't seem to mind that this move is only going to add to my stress.

Although it doesn't surprise me, it's hard to understand the level of selfishness that narcissism harbors.

I think the hardest part of being the child of a narcissistic parent is wrapping your head around how your parent can be so uncaring?

Thank you for your thoughtful response!!😊

OMG you read my mind this morning! I am struggling to take care of my narcissistic 81 YO mother. She was once a strong, brilliant, a**-kicking woman. She was also too smart, important or busy for most people. After having 3 daughters, she became a physician when I was just 5. She gave her life to medicine & I only got snippets of her after that. Mostly I remember the pain of not doing anything right in her eyes. At least, that’s the way it felt. When you don’t see a person much & they criticize or reject you, those are the lasting memories. She does have a loving side but it’s never predictable. Dr. Jekyll & Mrs. Hyde. Thus began my lifelong pursuit of love & acceptance from people who were in some way unavailable.

As an adult, our relationship had been fractious until a few years ago when God softened my heart. I became more sympathetic, less angry. I went to work for her in 2010, running her medical practice. The only real problem we had was she ran out the door after seeing patients to avoid dealing with the stuff she hated & was deficient in - administration & financial matters. This made my job difficult & very frustrating. You cannot force this woman to do anything. She’ll never know how much I did to protect her. Over the next 8 years I told myself it wouldn’t last much longer. I concluded this was an opportunity from God to help her in spite of our past issues. I was at peace with it.

She was finally forced to retire late 2018 after some health issues. A few weeks later she was diagnosed with a brain aneurysm. She had surgery but lost sight in one eye. She could no longer drive or cook. She had lost her independence virtually overnight. In 2019, we had to sell her home & farm which was massively labor-intensive & required lots of decision-making. Everyone had an opinion on every decision...lots of family fighting & constant stress. No one else wanted to be responsible but had no problem criticizing me when I tried to get things accomplished. I too have always been the caretaker/problem solver/pack mule of my family so the brunt of everything always falls on me. I don’t have children so I'm expected to do more. Adding insult to injury, she had no retirement assets, no will, no POA, no direction on anything. It was a horrible time. I was exhausted in every possible way. I had planned to move ever since I sold my house in 2018 but it kept getting postponed to take care of something new. 

Her dementia had probably begun before the aneurysm surgery but gradually worsened after that, exacerbated by her inactivity & isolation. She had made many poor financial decisions in life & pushed all her friends away. She was alone with limited assets. I tried my best to support her without making her my life. In January 2020 she moved in to my sister’s small house, where I was also living, along with my teenage nephew & 3 pets. We were trying to figure out LT care but options are limited. I started the year well-intentioned, gentle, compassionate. Then COVID hit, & a year later, we are all still here & I feel like I’m losing my mind. I cry more days than not. I’m depressed, anxious and feel completely disabled some days. I pray, meditate, escape in movies & puzzles; but the despair always returns. I am torn between what is best for my mental/physical/spiritual health, and trying to be the good daughter. It feels like I’ve regressed to that 5 year old - wanting her love & approval but being rejected. I don’t know how much more I can take. There are other family issues going on too that make it more complicated. I vacillate between thinking I’m a bad, selfish person, to thinking this is totally unfair. I’ve sacrificed the last 2 years taking care of the person who hurt me so much & never accepted or respected me. I’m spending through my savings to stay “home” but I will have to work again eventually. At 57, that scares me to death. I’m burned out. I can’t see the light at the end of the tunnel. I can’t even imagine it anymore.

Xray,
I feel the same way. I can't wrap my head around how a Mother can be so mean & nasty to their kids. How they are uncaring!! It truly is mind blogging!!! I couldn't even dream of treating a total stranger the way my NM treats me. Hugs!!


Leelady,
Isn't it crazy how THEY can make us feel like that little child who wants mommy's love & validation. Sad to say, "we didn't get it then and we won't get it now!"

I think all children who didn't get love from their NM grew up looking for it. We are striving for love, validation, approval from someone...anyone...hopefully as we age we find someone to give us those things and more importantly, that we give it to ourselves!

You are not selfish and YES IT IS TOTALLY UNFAIR!!! You just need to find away to take back your life. Yes, it is easier said than done. You just need to set a date or a time line and start setting things into motion to reach that goal! Remember Roman wasn't build in a day. One baby step at a time...sometimes that is all we can do...sometimes that is all we need to do to get the ball rolling! Hugs!!!

Leelady,

Welcome to our thread!!

It's a safe place to simply vent!!

My hope is that we can all get the things off our chests that we can't say to our narcissistic LOs!

Shell,

I wish someone else could convey to my Mom, how bad an idea it is for an 84 year old woman with severe mobility issues to move from ALF into her an apartment by herself!!

Seriously, what is she thinking???

Why is it so incredibly difficult to be a hard a$$ when dealing with the parent that neglected our basic needs as a child?

I doubt even my therapist could truly answer that!! Lol