Caregiving for a narcissistic mother. Do we do it out of love or out of years of guilt and programming?

Jodi,

Yes, they take credit for everything good and in the blink of an eye blame everyone else for whatever goes wrong, right?

Lea,
It makes no sense to put 'Residents Rights' before 'Common Sense.' I have to ask, "does anybody who works there have a half of brain?" Your NM cannot feel her feet...cannot walk...but hey, let's put a size to big sandals on her...oh wait...that won't work so let's put $170 shoes on her...REALLY?? That makes no sense! I feel your frustration and I would be just as frustrated as you! Sending you a hug because you need one!

Still,
Yeah, I would be done too if I was in your shoes! All that work & not one little thank you! I swear these women acted like a 'thank you' would cause the earth to fall off its axle! Nope...just give you dirty looks and plays the 'poor me' card! Well, you are a good daughter because your giving your NM what she wants...she made her bed and now she can lay in it with all her crap! She will reap what she sow & you cannot be blamed! Hugs!!


NHWM,
I never liked certain traits about my NM and I went completely different direction! My NM loves drama...I always made sure no drama in my home! My NM loves to hoard things...I aways did spring cleaning, which included getting rid of things that I stop using, broken, donated old clothes...okay, I do hoard shoes, but that is it! My NM loves nik-naks on every table, cabinet, counters, shelves...not me, I do have a lot, but I keep them packed away and change them out once a year! Less is more! My NM loves furniture that is hard to keep clean & furniture in every space...not me, my time is to valuable to spend 3 hrs cleaning the dining room! Yes, it really takes 3 hrs to clean my NM dining room. That is insane!! My NM love her kitchen to be just as complex as she is...move 4 things to be able get the one thing you need...not me, that is to time consuming and ridiculous! So yes, I went in the other direction!

One last thing, my NM could never tell people no and I can and do everyday!

NeedHelp- Yes, with a NM everything has to be someone else's fault. "Momma Drama" really does want to go to the hospice facility, but she decided to say it was all her children's fault because we want her to go there...even when we ALL just said "No, this really is your decision, you do whatever you want...." she just kept repeating (loudly and rudely), she would go to the facility since that is what 'we' (children) want...and btw- she also tries to act like a know-it-all, and claims she knows everything about everybody and how everything in the world works, and she'll just walk out of whatever facility she is in if she doesn't like it, and 'we'll just have to pick her up" (brag, brag about manipulating her grandchildren to do her dirty work on prior occasions). Previously, i thought about just getting an emergency guardianship to put an end to this crazy train, but now, I really do think its best to just let her have it her own miserable little way. I won't be around to hear her bashing me to whomever will listen, and they won't be around her either. Thanks again. You all know this was another vent. But it helps (I think). Thank all of you for your kind and supporting comments.

Everything that is "good " about me is all my Mothers doing.
Everything that is "bad" about me is all my fathers fault!

It breaks my heart to think that I wasted precious years not truly communicating with my Dad because of the poison I was fed by my Mom!

I'm so glad that I was able to spend time with him before he passed!

If I had only known then what I know now!

Shell,

Oh my gosh. I so agree that less is more.

My husband’s grandmother had stuff everywhere!

She had some really pretty things but they got lost amongst all of the clutter!

Still,

It is all drama, isn’t it? I remember craving peace and quiet every time I visited my husband’s grandmother. They aren’t happy unless they have created drama in their life!

Jodi,

It is easy to miss things in our youth, especially when we were deceived by others, right?

Everyone has regrets. You didn’t do anything that was meant to intentionally hurt your dad.

Xray,
Your not alone! I wasted so many...to many years believing my NM lies and not talking to my dad about them.

My NM tells me that I am just like my dad and she says it with a nasty look on her face like she just ate something bad. She has told me that there was nothing good in my dad and there is nothing good in me! My dad worked his a@@ off to give her a good life. She got to go on vacations. She got to live in the same house for almost 60yrs! She never wanted for anything because my dad gave her everything she could want. She never had to work and if she did work she got to spend her money anyway she wanted. But he wasn't good enough for her!

My heart breaks every time I think about how she tried to make me hate him and how she tried so hard to get me to tell my dad that he wasn't welcome at my house! I thank God everyday that I never told him that because I now realize that would have broke his heart! And she was/is a liar!! The last 5 yrs of his life my NM tried to turn everyone against my dad...I have no idea why!! I pray everyday that my dad forgives me!😢

So your not alone! My NM fed me poisoned too & I never truly communicated with my dad either! The years that were wasted!! Hugs! 💖

Shell

My folks have been divorced for almost 45 years!
My dad passed away 3 years ago!

To this day, she still bad mouths him!
Even though I have repeatedly told her not to do it!

She is relentless!

I was a single Mom for 13 years and I never nor do I now bad mouth my ex, to my kids about their father!

My kids don't need to know all the dirty details. They just need to know that we both love them!

It's so amazing to me that someone can hold onto a grudge for so long!

Shell, if it makes you feel any better my nmom left my dad after he was diagnosed with a terminal illness. Right hand to God. As his only child I had to step up and provide support at age 20 when I was trying to go to college and get started in life.... Dad lived another 10 years but at the end I wound up quitting my job and moving back to our family's hometown to take care of him. Mom did pitch in some to her credit, but to hear her tell it she was the heroine in the story of course. I should never in a million years have let her do my dad's probate work (Mom is a lawyer but hasn't practiced in many years because she'd rather do volunteer work which earns the praise and recognition narcs crave.) Long long long story.

Lots in the thread today, I did some cut/paste to try to keep up. So glad I have all y'all to talk to, it makes a world of difference to have other people who not only believe us but are also dealing with what sound like insane behaviors to people who don't know what this is like.

Xray, I can really relate to your mom thinking you'll have no choice but to help her. I haven't talked to my mom for almost 3 weeks now - the precipitating event was her giving $1000 of my stuff away, but I'm prolonging the no contact for a while for a couple of other reasons. 1, I just need a break from her constant negativity, but 2. frankly I want her to have a reminder that I can and will walk away if she pushes me too far. In her heart of hearts she knows she's done some truly rotten things to me, mostly neglecting me as a kid so she could pursue her own interests, letting my half brother psychologically torment me, dumping my dad's care on me when she decided it was too much work, that kind of thing (epiphany here: Mom also never had to help her own mother because she had a bunch of sisters who stepped up to do the work. So she REALLY has no leg to stand on when guilt tripping me to do it!!)

Anyway, she would never admit it but part of her knows she's lucky to still have me in her life. Plenty of people would have walked away from her over what frankly veered into abuse on plenty of occasions, and sometimes I do ask myself why I haven't done that. Maybe because she isn't unvarnishedly awful - she does have some caring and concern for other people and can actually be fun to be around when the narc tendencies aren't front and center. We also have a few hobbies and interests in common.

I wonder if you might try something similar - just walk away for a while. I notice you're telling your mother you don't want to help her but it sounds like you're still talking to her a lot. Maybe if you distance yourself somewhat she'll get a taste of the fact that really, truly you may not be around to help her. (I realize you may have tried this in the past as well - my own approach has been different tactics depending on the situation... I even tried to move away to get away from her but she followed me, as I understand is common for children of narcissists. Long story, again.)

Oh and I absolutely am a high achieving over pleaser. Luckily I recognized that about myself and started really working on it in my 30s - I'm 50 now. It's still something I have to look out for, especially doing way more than my share at work or on projects, etc. My love life was a mess for years but luckily I had the good sense to find and marry another child of a narcissist so it all sort of worked out! Oh, and mother is very wary of DH, since she threatened to disown me if I married him and I told her to step off, then didn't talk to her for four months (her BS ruined a lot of the joy around the wedding, of course.) She knows I will choose him if I'm forced to pick between the two of them so I sometimes make sure he's around if there's some drama going on with her.

Stilldealing, my mom plays the passive aggressive drama card with the best of them also. We have a *huge* family - I have something like 24 first cousins - and once the drama gets going things can get crazy. It's dialed down some since some of my mom's sisters have died, but when they were alive they'd all call and stir each other up and you just learned to get the heck out of the way if at all possible.

Since I haven't talked to her for 3 weeks I expect any minute she'll enlist my other family members and our friends to start calling and pestering me to get back in contact with her since there must be something wrong with ME, of course.

It's really hard, because my mother is superficially very charming and charismatic. People who don't know her as well as I do think she's just WONderful though I do think I could get some of my cousins to talk to me about how far into denial she is that she's going to need help soon and how willing she is to dump it all on me.

But in your case, especially since you have siblings, I think I'd dial it way back. Set up a schedule so each of you only has to call every few days, perhaps. And then just refuse to be drawn into it, if you can.

Shell and Jodi.....dads dead 5+ years and my mother is STILL badmouthing him! Won't even put his photo up in her room! Couldn't stand him but says she did him the huge favor of staying with him and not divorcing him because.......drumroll...........I LOVED HIM SO MUCH!!!!! So it was MY FAULT she stayed with him! He never made enough money, retired too young never gave her enough gifts, didn't treat her like a queen, didn't help her clean the house after working 16 hr days......etc etc Meanwhile, she always had a nice house, car, fur coats, diamond rings, huge wardrobe, bought tons of new stuff constantly, vacations, etc The similarities between these NMs are staggering.

Hellebore.....the whole world save for a few think my mother is soo sweet and wonderful too. Which is seriously annoying. She puts on the Nice Mask for the whole world and the Witch Mask for the family. I bring DH with me whenever I have to deal with her.....hes my buffer.

I’ve been away for a few hours, and now catching up on this thread is exhausting! The common theme is that these NMs cross so many lines/boundaries every day that it eats away at the victim, dominating and ruining their lives. They manage to assume centre stage, and I can say from past experience that while this is happening there is no room or opportunity for you to have a life of your own. Now that my mother is in supported living there is at least some physical distance between us. The UK lockdown means we cannot meet up at the moment. Her landline isn’t being installed until next week and as she is too miserly to use her mobile to call me, her sounding off and complaining has been temporarily silenced. I expect this to change when she gets her phone and when visits are permitted but I’m already clear I’m not tolerating phone misery and will let the calls go to voicemail. I’m also not going to get tied to a weekly visit, especially at the same time and day each week, which is what she would want so she can fine tune her own needs and plans at the expense of others. I’ve come to realise that my mother used up all of my caregiving abilities and energy before she really needed them, manipulating me to take the strain for over 10 years. So now she will have to be reliant on paid for care if and when her real needs increase, rather than assume she can pile the demands on me. I’ve been decorating and renovating her old bedroom here this week. She had really wrecked the place, with hoarded old useless stuff, carpet spillages that hadn’t been cleaned up and damage to doors and furniture. Gradually I am getting rid of the old way of life and introducing the new, and I do feel stronger and better equipped to deal with the next stage of my mother’s demands. I write this partly to vent, but also to keep on saying to others: put some distance between you and your NM, decide what you will and won’t accept, and perhaps most importantly of all, decide what you want from life and make sure that is centre stage rather than your NM.

Lealonnie, that’s what I’m thinking. My mother accidentally threw the cordless phone out in the garbage.

Wow, fall number 62 with your mom and no trip to the hospital? That is AMAZING!! AMAZING she had no broken bones from all the falls.

How is her mood with the Cymbalta? Is she being civil to you?

Chris, I'm so glad you're getting some peace. I'll have to read back and figure out how you got your mother out of there. Sure wish my own weren't so fixated on money, because I can't imagine how I'm going to sell her on assisted living, but it's late right now and maybe I'll feel more optimistic in the morning.

I posted a vent under Burnout earlier in the evening and felt quite a bit better. Perhaps I should have posted here in response to the narcissist issues. I have been reading all the responses to xrayjodibs post and have had a few aha moments. I realise my elderly mother is a bit on the narc side but for about 10 years I was convinced she was getting on into dementia. I work in aged care so I could recognise the signs. However looking back I think so many of the bonkers little and big problems were actually crafted by her to make a drama. The Phones she has lost. Dropped into a garden bed. Left in the mall. Sat the device in a puddle. Left it off the charger to go flat and make bother for herself and others. Pressing the off button during a call to me. The excruciating stress she has caused me over the years. I went on a short holiday some years ago with my elder son and daughter and left my two youngest children at their dads for a week. my mother went over and got the girls, took them to her home and then started phoning me leaving messages in an irritated tone asking me when was my plane going to land as she had appointments. Taking my beautiful silk and wool throw off my bed and letting the kids play with it in the dry grass outside. It was ruined. Living on a single aged pension but going into debt for a luxury European river cruise and a brand new car. Telling everyone how "financially comfortable" she was. No money left for basic repairs. Buying new clothes every fortnite. Being a twobob snob her whole life which really blew out of control when her husband died fifteen years ago. I did not understand her shame and disgust and dissatisfaction with us as a child but I get it now. And her poor decisions are not dementia I think. They are about the desperate quest to keep up appearances and bother and worry her children for relief of boredom and to get attention.

I woke up this morning feeling like the emotional mac truck ran me over. Woke up to realizing (as if I didn't know) that my favorite person & the one who loved me is gone and that my mother is the one who has caused me so much pain and she is the one who kept my brother & I from having a relationship; furthermore, the one who was stealing from me...just to cause me pain! Most days I can except this as my new reality, but other days, I feel it is just to much! In truth, I just wish I could be with my dad again!

Does it ever get easier? 🤔

Shell...........it gets easier when you move away from your NM and get out of her sight, and/or once she passes away. You have a whole LOT OF LIFE left to live and there are A LOT of people who love you lots, so now is NOT the time to be with your dad again. Don't give your NM that much power, ok? She is NOT WORTH IT, she is mentally ill. Do not define YOURSELF by what SHE thinks of you or has to say about you! NONE of us should do such a thing! We are all wonderful women DESPITE what our NMs have to say about us.

Now, get out, smell the fresh air, do something just for YOU, and get away from the old crone today. Sending you a big hug of love & understanding

Chriscat, you are very right about the 'phone misery' BS which I've been dealing with for YEARS now while my mother is in AL/MC. When I spoke to her doc the other day, she said mom is doing 'fine' yet all I get to hear is how HORRIBLE she's doing and feeling, meaning my mother is LYING to me, as usual, and all I get to hear is the phone misery.

Elaine, my mother has had a few broken ribs and sternum bones from all the falls over the years which were found during a CT scan last time she was hospitalized in 2019. The doc said the bones were in various stages of healing. So she would call the caregivers to bring her icy hot packs when her 'side was killing her' or when her 'breast was killing her' meaning it due to broken bones she covered up. But no, no trips to the ER for any of her falls. Her mood was foul last night, so IDK how much the Cymbalta is 'helping'.........she's also saying her legs are 'killing her' once again, so who knows? To the rest of the world she's just fine, to me she's half dead.

Pelar20, welcome~! It took me decades to figure out what was wrong with my NM. DECADES. My mother has always been the Queen of Appearances; it's always been all about what OTHERS think and the mask she wears to keep up the facade that she's perfect. Behind that mask lurks the evil being she truly is, which only her immediate family gets to see. The rest of the world thinks she's the bees knees. It's terrible, really, to be one of the only ones to know The Truth. And have others think WE are the Bad Guys and she is the Good Guy. There is a great article about Passive Aggressive Covert Narcissists that has helped me a lot; here is a link in case you're interested:

https://lifelessons.co/personal-development/covertpassiveaggressivenarcissist/#3

Welcome, pelar! I'm in Lonnie's boat also - my mother is considered by many to be a pillar of our local community, mostly because she works so hard at obtaining recognition and praise (at the expense of time/attention toward me, her other family, herself in many ways in that she does volunteer work and is now broke except for Social Security etc.) I've known something was wrong all my life but a few weeks ago, when I was getting the rest of my stuff out of her house after she gave most of it away (she had offered to "store some things for me,") it struck me that something might be going on which was really, truly abnormal. My only sibling, a half brother, also has a cluster B personality disorder and I've read enough about it to know these things are heritable. I really think my mother would qualify as officially NPD, not that she'd ever go into therapy for it in a zillion years.

Here's another great article on covert narcissism - my mom seems to have both overt and covert depending on the situation. The #3 section on appreciated altruism, in which someone puts a 20 in a tip jar only so others can see it, fits my mother to a T.

https://hackspirit.com/a-covert-narcissist-5-warning-signs-youre-dealing-with-one/

And you know, I think part of me is still in denial about this. I don't want her to be NPD because I do know there's some good in her and in her defense I don't think she gets up every day and sets out to hurt me or other people. Although in a way it's a relief because I finally feel like I'm starting to understand what's made her do hurtful nonsensical things and why I've known at a very deep level all my life that I was basically on my own. My dad knew what was up but didn't have the emotional tools to protect me.

Honestly if I could move a zillion miles away I would be really tempted but that is just not practical, spouse is looking for a job and all his professional contacts are in the town we live in. Also we are not spring chickens and starting all over in a new place would be really hard. So I'm just going to have to get tough I suppose.

hellebore says, "And you know, I think part of me is still in denial about this. I don't want her to be NPD because I do know there's some good in her and in her defense I don't think she gets up every day and sets out to hurt me or other people."

Nobody 'wants' an NM, let's face it! I think it's ok to love an NM and to recognize she's an NM at the same time. I don't think my mother wakes up every day (like some do) and says, "Oh I'm going to hurt my daughter today" yet she still does. That doesn't take away from the fact of what she is, and that is mentally ill. You don't hate a person b/c they're mentally ill, but you make a decision to protect yourself from them as much as possible, knowing that they're going to hurt you a lot. And gaslight you and do certain things to push the buttons they've installed on you.

It's not like having a narc husband that we can divorce........this is a mother that most of us want to keep in our lives. Sometimes we can't & have to go no contact, but many times we can keep some contact with them & have SOME semblance of a relationship.

Narcs also have a way of making US second guess OURSELVES. "Is she really THAT bad?" It's a form of gaslighting, actually. I was raised to praise my mother & to never say or to think a bad thing about her, ever. So questioning myself comes naturally, as was the goal all along. I've come to realize it's okay to dislike her AND to love her at the same time; it's okay to question her motives; it's okay to question MYSELF from time to time, in other words, it's ALL okay. Whatever we're doing to cope or to maintain ANY type of relationship with these women is better than the alternative which is to have NO relationship at all & to cut them out of our lives forever *which is necessary for some to survive*

Just my 2 cents on the subject

Lea,
I wouldn't give my NM the satisfaction of breaking me...all that I have been throughout my life...all the battles I have been through...all the people who tried to break me...to cave at my NM's meanness and her nastiness...NEVER!

Thank you for your kind and loving words!

I just woke up sobbing and couldn't breath. I been having night terrors. It seems this situation and being back here has been a big trigger for me. In learning what my NM truly is and what she has done to me is overwhelming; plus, I miss my dad so much! She would never behave this way to me if he was here! Yes, she has done some awful things to me, but as you remember she never did it in front of my dad! In a lot of ways, he was my rock and when he died so did apart of me! I could go out into the world and kick butt...do my thing because I knew he was here...my safety net...the one to show me the way...the one who was my soft place to land if I should fall! He loved me even when I acted crazy...or out of line. He never lied to me and told me the truth even if, it wasn't what I wanted to hear. He told me no when I wanted something that he knew wasn't good for me. He wasn't prefect and he be the first one to tell you that. But he loved me even when he didn't understood me! The worst part is that I never understood that until these last few years. My dad could never understand where my hardness came from and I myself didn't know where it came from either, but it came from being bully by my NM & NB!

I really don't have lots of people that love me. In truth, most people dislike me & don't understand me!!! My personality is one you will either love or hate there is nothing in between. I am rough around the edges and I tell the truth and it may not be what you would want to hear! I respect the truth and wish to be told the truth. I do not sugar coat it and although, I never want to hurt anyone's feelings I just cannot lie to people I care about! My dad was a lot like that & I guess the apple didn't fall far from the tree! I love hard and I fight even harder & people miss understand that!

My SO tells me that I am still grieving over the loss of my dad & that I haven't really excepted that he is really gone! But tonight I walked through the dining room and for one second I could smell him then it was gone as fast as it came!

I wonder sometimes if this world is made up of energy (as some believe) and we do have electricity running through our bodies and our emotions are powered by the electricity (energy) does my dad feel the vibrations I am sending out? I don't know!!! Just a thought!!! Oh how I wish he was here to help me...he would know what to tell me in all his wisdom! He taught me a lot, but he didn't teach me how to handle a mother who hates you because he may not have had that experience. He wasn't close to either of his parents like you, he was adopted. His adopted mom was really his aunt! And to make things even more confusing his adopted mom had a twin sister and he was very close to her and her husband and they all lived in one house!

I did go out today and smelled the fresh air and let the sun beat on me! Spring is on it's way and that alone makes me smile!🌞

Thank you💜

Shell, ((((((hugs)))))))). We love you.

Thank you Barb!

I love all my friends here!

Shell.....know what I like to say? You can sugar coat a turd but it's still a turd. 🤣 I don't believe in speaking anything but the truth either, especially bc my mother is the Queen of the two faced b.s. artists. It's not important for everyone on earth to love you.....just for YOU to love You! And your SO and your close friends, that's all. And your dad still loves you and showed himself to you today in the dining room via his cologne scent! How cool was that? He's still guiding and loving you in spirit from the other side, and you do feel that! Just bc you can't see him doesn't mean he's not standing right beside you every day. Sending you a big hug tonight.

Hellebore,
I love my NM and I dislike her. I also hate what she has done to me and what she let my NB do to me! It really is okay to have mixes feelings about your NM!

I don't believe my NM wakes up with the intention to hurt me, but she does and will!! Like you, I am fairly new to this as well. I always knew that there was a pathology in my family; I just didn't know what it was or even who was doing it. I figured it out because Xray started this thread and one night I decided to read some of the post and there were so many similar stories...as if someone was writing details about what my NM has done and/or was doing to me. It was like a light had been turned on. My first thought was no my mom is not a Narc, but the truth was staring at me in the face! Like Lea said, "No one wants NM." But we have to face the God awful truth to heal. And yes we are made to doubt ourselves, but I see it as a way to learn to trust my feelings...my gut!

It does take time to digest what we learn about our NMs and what they have done to us and how their behaviors effect us...their way of seeing us not for who we really are, but what they have made up inside their minds. They see us as an enemy or a threat. I once told my NM that she made up in her mind that I was a threat and she declared war on me, a war that was never real, but it is very real to her and her alone! She had no response, which I didn't expect her to have a response because really, what does someone say to that?! Nothing!!

We all would love to believe that our NM love us, but we know that is not the case! My NM use to tell me that she loved me and I thought that she just said it to keep me around and to make it sound like she was a good mom, but one day, she said it and I really looked at her and could tell that she believes that she does love me! Does that mean she really is capable of love-no it doesn't, but it does mean that SHE Believes that she does!! SHE Believes It! Believing in something doesn't make it true.

I was raised to respect my NM and to never doubt her. If mom says it's good, it's good. If mom says it's bad, it's bad! So I am fighting with that teaching...I think we all our...sure our teaching may be somewhat different, but we are all fighting against what our NMs taught us!!

Remember love is a chemical that gets released from the brain, but like or disliking someone is facts that our brain puts together to make up the picture or an idea of someone. So what am I saying? It is very possible to love someone and dislike them at the same time!

Just a thought!

Thank you Lea!
I do think I am a pretty cool cat and very loveable and that is what gets to me!! How can my mother not love me? Yes, I know...her brain is broken! She doesn't think the way most of us do!!

Yes it is very cool that my dad made himself known. I stood in the dining room and said out loud "dad I know you are here. I can smell you. Then I said hi." The hi part was to make myself laugh and it worked!

Good nite Lea! Sending a loving hug back to you.

Shell, I think you are a wonderful human being and I like you very much! Sorry you had such a hard life. I like reading your posts. Big hug.

I heard a new term today and immediately thought of my NM!

B!+chcraft!!

I find it a great explanation for the Vodo manipulation that we deal with!!

Hope it makes you giggle!!

Shell, big hugs to you. I am so sorry what you are going through with your mom.

Was your NM like mine as in my NM could be sweet as pie one minute and and hour ranting and raving about something that didn’t go her way. Can you relate to this?

Last February, 8 months before my NM died, she literally called me 8 times within 5 hours!!! She called me at 11:00pm and the last call 5 hours later was 4:00am. I work the overnight shift so I am up, but the question is why is SHE still up?

The first few calls she made she left voicemails on my cellphone telling me what she ate and what she watched on tv.

The last 3 calls were all around 4am frantic and telling me to come over because it was urgent. When I called her back at 4:30am before heading home from work, she said come over now and look for the deed to her house. I said can it wait? She screamed NO. So I went over snd searched through all her stuff on the chairs and couldn’t find the deed to her house.

I had remembered her telling me 15 years ago that she put the deed in her desk. Sure enough it was there.

I just wondered if you went through that with your NM. Fine one minute and FRANTIC the next.

big hugs to all of you, caregivers!! :) :)

narcs (they're sadistic) (they use psychological torture and enjoy it) (they're very aware of what they're doing: you can tell, because they choose a specific target. often it's mother against sweet daughter. they don't treat everyone like that. they know they have to behave nicely in front of some people)...

how nice it would be if one day, narc behavior doesn't exist:
all narcs become sweet people :).

well, for now, narc behavior exists.

i don't believe there are many solutions:
--low or no contact
--become a narc yourself (a narc doesn't feel much pain from another narc) (the sweeter, kinder you are, the more pain you'll feel when someone is mean to you). however, of course, we should not become narcs.
--grey rock (but do you really want to become a person who doesn't feel much? who acts in a monotone way, from time to time?)

...unless one finds some superhuman way not to feel hurt by psychological torture, then the pain/stress received will continue.

but torture is torture.
it will have effects, i believe.
physical and mental, on us.
--it's like being beaten up physically: that's very clear that, with repeated encounter with the bully, we'll get more and more bruises.
--being beaten up psychologically is invisible (that's even why some people do it!!! hard to get away with beating someone up physically, eventually the police might get involved). but psychological torture will indeed leave bruises. we'll get more and more bruises with every encounter. heal yourself. hug!!!

so really, the only thing i see is:
low or no contact.

big, big hugs!!! :)
be happy, have fun, live!

bundle of joy :)

sending more hugs to us all!! :)

by the way, instead of calling them "my NM..."

it might make more sense to call them, "my torturer".

this way, it's clear in our minds what's happening. these "narcs"/torturers, are torturing us.

protect yourselves.
hug!

bundle of joy :)