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Lea and NHWM,

God bless you both for all that you do!!

Sometimes I think that we go into this thinking it won't be forever, but then the years start adding up and we can no longer see the light at the end of the tunnel!

You both (and many others) have been my touch stone!!

From my heart "Thank You "!!
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Nhwm.......I have bought the woman 3 dozen bras the last 2 yrs! Once went to Kohls and bought 12......let her try the things on, pick what she liked and brought the rest back, just like today with the shoes. This time I bought 8 sports bras bc all I keep hearing about is TWISTED HOOKS. Ok, these have no hooks, done. NO MORE BRAS NOW. Had to get new pants too bc she was blaming the PANTS for her falling off the recliner! I don't care if she likes the pants or the shoes, this is what you get! Now she wants to know the cost of the shoes! Ffs! The ones I had to return were $178. Wal mart were 2 pair for $43. Hello??? I'm turning my phone off tonight!

Send....thanx for the info. Can't order shoes online bc IDK what size will fit The Queen. Just socks and stuff
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Lea,

It really is almost impossible to please them.

The sports bras sound like a great solution!

I wanted to try those for my mom but I couldn’t because of a shoulder issue. Mom can’t lift her arm up that high.

Plus, her Parkinson’s disease. Her mobility issues will continue to progress.

Pants? Geeeez! Your mom has lots of issues with clothing!

I don’t blame you one bit for turning your phone off. She can leave a voicemail.
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Jodi,

I’m actually done with my caregiver days but I did way more than my share! 20 years, 15 in my home. I honestly don’t know how I survived!

Mom is now under hospice care at my brother’s home.

I call her on the phone. She can barely hear though.

I feel for you. The drama never ends. We could all write a book!
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Lea, The Queen LOL 😂

I named my Sis The Princess when she got like that.

Bought loads of new nightwear (cos she didn't pack any & old ones looked tatty & small). Previous pants blamed for falling off the bed so non-slippery cotton only & stretch tops to make it easier. And sizing! I don't need THAT size. Well... yeah you kind of do...

Just one thankyou may have been nice...

I suppose it must be so frustrating not to be able to go choose for yourself.

When I get old.. I think I may live in big floppy colourful mu-mus (is that the name?). Those big bewelled resort wear dresses. I can pretend I am on a cruise. But I will need to move into the tropics as sadly my go-to is loungewear fleece 😭.
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Lea,
I am just so sorry that you are going through all this crap. It seems to me that your NM wants to blame EVERYTHING on making her fall except the real reason! That her legs don't work because of the neuropathy. And yes, if her feet are swollen could be CHF and it also could be her kidneys.

I'm still not sure why she need shoes because she is in a wheelchair and falls no matter what you or anyone else does. But you know this! Is it possible that she falls to get some attention? I'm not saying all the falls are done for attention but maybe some of them! We know these women need lots of attention. Just a thought!!

I wish I had some words that could make things better for you.

May God give you wisdom and understanding (for what is truly going on with your NM, & how to handle it) and most of all peace and His mercy to see you through this. You have His strength and just know this. He is with you! In Jesus name I pray. Amen


Maybe it is time for to stop jumping through hoops and let the chips fall where they may...as hard as that is sometimes that is all we can do!

Please take care of yourself & do something just for you. You deserve it!!💗

Sending you a loving & warm hugs!💗
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Xray,
So much has happened since Saturday. And tonight I really read your heading and never answer the question because I didn't know the answer--for me!

If asked this question two or three years ago I would have answered it that care for my NM "out of love" and I would have been wrong! Because of what happened Saturday and continue to happen. All these days to think about my answer is "out of being program!"

What I thought I was doing out of love...out of my own choice was pure programming! I see the truth for what it really is!😣

I have nothing left to give to this woman who I called Mother. And nothing left to give to anyone else. I feel that I am in survival mode. I Must keep what I have for myself if I am going to survive this!
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Lealonnie, you really do have lots of patience you know. Take some time off you so well deserve. Hugs.
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Shell, I can't stop jumping through hoops b/c my mother needs certain things to be provided for her at the Memory Care. Her old shoes no longer fit, so I purchased her the exact same shoes with a wider/bigger toe box which is what her PA suggested, and they did not fit. Which is why I had to go to Wal Mart and buy a slew of men's shoes so they could try them on to see which ones DID fit. She needs to have shoes on her feet b/c she pushes herself around in her wheelchair and was wearing grippy socks to let her toe heal. Those socks were contributing to her falls; she insists on getting up by herself to use the toilet (without help) and DOWN she goes. The shoes provide her with some stability. They won't ensure that she doesn't fall.............but 4 falls in 8 days is insanity. The pants she had were 'slippery' and may have been contributing to her slipping off of the recliner; same deal. In AL living, the POA must provide ALL of the supplies for the resident, period. All they can provide are incontinent supplies if needed. Which reminds me, I have to change her Depends to an XL. Sigh.
Thanks for the prayers & hugs.

The good news is my daughter in law is in active labor NOW, having my first biological grandson, ON MY SON'S BIRTHDAY which is today! He should be here any time!

The bad news is my DH was diagnosed with liver cancer yesterday. He also has non alcoholic cirrhosis which complicates the treatment situation so we're in for a long haul here. Brand new into retirement and now THIS. Just turned 63. The doctor said he has several options, but we have to see the surgeon first, and the Heptologist is working on finding out WHY he has cirrhosis to begin with (autoimmune disease? hepatitis?) Odd thing is, that dx did not make it into his chart which is unheard of.......had it been in his chart to begin with, the triple bypass surgery in Oct would NOT HAVE HAPPENED and he would have died as a result. Kind of makes me believe that wasn't a 'coincidence' and God kept him alive for a reason and that the liver cancer (small tumor 2.1 cm now) isn't going to kill him EITHER. Send prayers please.
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Lea,

The shoe thing for my mom became a real pain in the a**!

Same for socks! She needed the men’s size. Mom’s PT and OT said to buy the ones that had those gripping bottoms.

How can a tiny little mom like mine wear a size 12 (wide) women’s shoe?

Her feet were so swollen! When she was younger she wore a size 9. The. It went to 10, 11 and eventually 12.

Try and find that size anywhere. It’s near impossible! I ended up in Walmart buying an 11 men’s shoe.

Oh. when we went with my daughter to my brother’s house so she could tell my mom goodbye before moving to Denver, guess what mom had on her feet? NOTHING! No shoes! Barefoot!

She would have had me running all over creation for shoes but she would never put her precious son out.

Clothes just hang because she is barely over 100 lbs. She was in pajamas when we were at my brothers, which was a huge change. She was always a fashionista! I think PJ’s are more practical, so good for her.

She isn’t going to ask my brother to do anything extra for her, nor my sister in law. She works full time.

It’s always, I can’t bother my son. He’s retired!

She has always felt that men were more important than women.

She never called them at work ever! She never hesitated to call me at my job.

She even called me at work to tell me that my grandmother had died.

I was terribly close to my grandmother and it was horrible to get that call at work.

I don’t know what it is with our moms. It’s like they don’t think or don’t care.

I would like to think it’s because they didn’t realize but I don’t completely believe that. It was too many times to be an off day. Sure, we all have ‘off’ days but if something happens consistently, it isn’t them having a ‘bad’ day.

I have daughters so I don’t have experience with sons but I can’t imagine treating them differently than my daughters like my mom did. I know that my mom isn’t alone in this sexist behavior. I have heard others express similar experiences to mine. It’s sad.

It’s awful that I don’t have a relationship with my brothers but so be it. My mom stirred the pot so much that any chance of a healthy sibling relationship was doomed! I am not letting my brothers off the hook either because trust me, they contributed to the dysfunctional relationship.

Sorry for the long rant. It still gets to me from time to time.

Overall, I work really hard at not dwelling or focusing on the past.

Every now and then the ugly memories come to the forefront again.

It will always hurt, I suppose but, I do know that I don’t need their approval for anything anymore, thanks to the support of this forum, my husband and daughters and a great therapist!

Thanks for listening.
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Lea,

I am so sorry for your husband’s cancer. It’s so upsetting to hear this. I will pray for both of you. I will pray for all of you.

Congrats on the upcoming grandchild. That’s so exciting!

Life has it’s challenging moments and many beautiful blessings. I am going to hope for the very best in your lives.
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Shell,

I know that you understand about crappy brothers!

Many of us have crappy siblings.

Elaine, you are so blessed to have a wonderful brother. So happy for you!
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Lealonnie, hugs to you!!! BiG HUGS!!! I hope the doctor can figure out what is going on with your mom.

Forget the bras. My mother hadn’t worn one in YEARS. She always layered her clothes anyway. She had no boobs left, lol.

Try going on Amazon for shoes or sneakers. You can order up to 7 at a time. All different shapes and sizes. Then just keep what fits and return the rest. Amazon makes it so easy.

The other day I returned something back to Amazon and I didn’t even have to package it up. The UPS store did it for free!!

Please Dont run yourself ragged. Start taking care of YOU. Hugs to you!!
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Needhelpwithmom, yea I am very blessed to have a wonderful brother. He’s 9 years older than me but he was always there for me.

I know he didn’t help me with my mother but I never blamed him for it. He was in a healthy place and made a decision not to do any caregiving. He always told me to back off from her because of her severe mental illness. She always had mental illness but got so much worse after age 90.

But yes, I am so lucky to have my brother. I’ll always be there for him too. He lost his own son at age 21 in an automobile accident. He died instantly. We have to be there for each other.
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Lealonnie, I’m so sorry. I just read your post about your DH having cancer. Prayers being sent to you and your DH. Hugs to you.

Anxious to hear about your new grandchild.
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Lealonnie, I agree with Shell on this. Does your mom really need shoes if she is in a wheelchair? What about a nice pair of fuzzy slippers?

I also agree with Shell that you need to stop jumping through hoops for your mother. You need to take care of YOU. Also, with your DH cancer he needs you. You can’t take care of anyone unless you take care of yourself.

What would happen if your mother didn’t have anyone to look after her? What if she had no siblings or children? Wouldn’t someone in the nursing home take care of her needs? Wouldn’t someone in the nursing home get her a pair of shoes?

All I’m saying is if you weren’t there for her, someone from the nursing home would get her the shoes.

Please take care of you and don’t get burnt out!!

Hugs and prayers to you. We all care!!
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Lea, just returned to this thread after a few days absent. So sorry to hear about your DH’s diagnosis - sending love and prayers for his treatment. Very pleased to read that your new grandchild is almost here. Love to you and your family. Xxx
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Elaine, yes she needs shoes in a wc....read what I wrote earlier. I have to provide her with what she needs, I have no other choice. Naturally I will be there for DH also, that goes without saying. There's no easy answer.....no "just do this or don't do that".....as everyone who's a caregiver to others knows. Mom is not in a nursing home but a Memory Care Assisted Living........different kettle of fish. They only provide SO much and the rest is up to the POA, and I'm it. Only child. It is what it is. No, they will not provide her with shoes and slippers on a woman with neuropathy will only lead to more falls to add to the 66 she's already had to date. Shoes= stability.

My grandson was born at 9:26am, 7lbs 15 oz 21" long healthy, Benjamin is his name! Red hair and smiling, so sweet I could eat him up. Such a bright spot in a troubled time, DH and I are thrilled.
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Lea, great joy! A new life! Sending congratulations to you all.
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Lea,

How wonderful!

How are Benjamin’s parents doing? They must be overjoyed!
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Lealonnie, congratulations on your new grandson Benjamin!!! So happy for you!!!
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Lealonnie, congratulations on your new grandson. I am so happy for you.
I did not know your DH had cancer, tried to find your post but couldn't find it anywhere. Sending prayers to your husband. So sorry.
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Congrats Lea!!!

(((Hugs)))
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Lea,
Congrats on the new family member! What a joy!

I think I miss wrote what I was trying to say, "my bad!" I do understand that there are things you HAVE to do! MC are not going to provide things like shoes, clothes, and etc, I think I was trying to say is maybe there are things you don't have to do or maybe (if possible) take a day or two to get things done for your NM! So you can have some days for yourself! It has to be hard finding shoes for someone who isn't in the store with you to try them on! I do understand that you are between a rock & a hard place! And it just sucks!!

Have you tried those socks that have the grips on the bottom of them? My NM kept slipping on the basement stairs and they worked; however, I don't know if they would work on a MC floor if it is super slippery! Plus, they may not give your NM the support she needs! Just a thought!

Your NM is so stubborn that she won't ask for help and still thinks that she can do something that she really can't and all she really is doing is making things harder for you!! I get it! My own NM is the same way!!

One of the biggest problems with Narcissistism in my opinion & beside the obvious of their selfishness & lack of empathy, is they think they know more than everybody else; therefore never trusting what other people say! They don't even test their way of thinking!!

I just want you to take care of yourself.

I am so very sorry to read about your DH! He will be in my prayers along with you! Sending you warm hugs!
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Thanks for the congrats girls! I'm happy about my new grandson! Mom & dad are over the moon!

Earlybird, my post is 14 posts down about DH getting dxed with liver cancer.

Shell, grippy socks caused 4 falls in 8 days. I dropped off the shoes and the socks arrive here tomorrow; I'll drop them off on the Sunday window visit and hopefully that's IT for awhile. You are right; she will NOT ASK FOR ANY HELP and that's why all the falls happen. The shoes will help SOMEWHAT in stabilizing her so when she DOES NOT ask for help standing up, at least the effing socks won't make her slip and the shoes will prevent her from slipping. At least. The MC floor is not super slippery; my mother is super unbalanced and has no feeling in her feet at ALL. The grippy socks made matters 10000x worse. She was wearing the things b/c she had a toe infection. Never ending BS is what it all is, in reality. And yeah, it sucks.

Chriscat; the joy of a new life is an awesome thing right now. The irony is not lost on me. DHs doc told him if he does nothing (no treatment) he has 3-5 years to live. Sigh. Scares the crap out of me and makes me feel very alone at the moment, truthfully.
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Thank you lealonnie, I just read your post. So sorry about your husband. Poor man he has been through enough. Thoughts and prayers sent.
Glad you have a little one to think about. I love the name Benjamin. I bet he so cute with his red hair.
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Lea,

That’s sad that your mom’s falls were from the gripping socks.

It’s so frustrating figuring out what is best for parents. Not to mention how completely exhausting too.

My mom’s physical and occupational therapist recommended them for mom. She liked them but I had to order the men’s size to fit her properly.

Now my mom goes barefoot. Do you know how hard it is to find size 12 slippers in wide width is?

Not my problem anymore. I dealt with it for 20 years! Long enough. Absolutely more than my share.
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Lea: Congratulations on your grandchild.
I am sorry for your husband's cancer.
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Found these articles and thought I would share them!




https://www.healthline.com/health/narcissistic-victim-syndrome

https://www.banyantherapy.com/narcissistic-victim-syndrome/
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Lea, congratulations on your new grandson! Such wonderful news!!
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