Today I had my first appointment with an actual therapist (not a counselor).
Even though one hour wasn't long enough to spew out everything I need to talk about, this woman completely picked up on 2 truly major points.
1) Even ONE of the stressors I have been dealing with over the last year is more than enough to warrant therapy!
2) I have been the "caregiver " for everyone in my family since I was 12 years old!
She asked me what I do for myself?
I had absolutely no answer!!
Hence therapy!! Lol
Caring for a narcissistic LO is a labor of love!
Not because they will love us back, but because we need to love ourselves!!
How do you keep caring selflessly for your selfish LO?
What do you do for yourself?
(((Hugs)))
Then last night I just started getting more annoyed. She's wrecking my entire life and I'm feeling guilty for being in a bad mood one evening? So ridiculous. It's not like I was even acting out. I was quiet. I'm so sick of the dysfunction.
So, I won't be calling today. Tired of these games.
You have no call to feel guilty. Your mother is an adult.
You are NOT the entertainment committee.
Just got off a conference call with a group of which my mom and I are both members. Now I'm a little sorry I even got on because I mentioned a project involving a third party both of us know and I have the feeling Mom will call her to horn in because I've taken such a big step back. She'll think I have to talk to her if we're all part of this project. It's exhausting to have to constantly curate what information Mom has access to. But it's just how it's going to have to be going forward at least for a while, I think.
Piper, I wonder if there's anywhere you could go for a couple of weeks - just to get away from her for a while and think about how you might create some new boundaries? Though I realize you're really not in a position to do that because of the dementia. How soon might you be able to relocate Mom? Any way to hire caregivers or adult day care for someone else to help occupy some of mother's attention? I agree that you're not the entertainment committee but on the other hand it does require some degree of emotional energy to fend off someone who wants you to function as same especially when they're living next door.
I've made some progress in not taking my mother's attitudes and actions personally, because in my heart of hearts I believe she has a personality disorder. Like I keep saying I've known something was wrong for a long time, but as I was standing there realizing she'd given away $1000 of my items instead of getting rid of any of her own things (while insisting I sit on the phone for 1000s of hours listening to her whine about needing to clean out the home/move) it just hit me: This Is Not Normal.
My mother destroyed two marriages and her relationship with her other child, who has a mental disorder of his own I'm sure my mother made worse. SHE is the one with a problem, not me, even though the message I've been sent every day of my life is how worthless I am because mother's disorder makes her put herself first.
I feel sorry for her. Truly. Thank GOD I stuck to my guns and married my DH even though mother threatened to disown me - he has my back. So do my friends. Hopefully all y'all have others who can serve as something of a reality check in your own lives as well.
You have nothing to feel guilty over! We are programmed to feel guilty & obligated & to have some level of fear by our MOTHERS!
I am giving you some homework. Stand in front of a mirror and look at yourself and say 500 times...OK maybe not that much...just 5 times every time you use the bathroom..."I have nothing to feel guilty about. I did nothing wrong!" Just another trick that I have been doing! We have to get ourselves reprogrammed! Change our way of thinking! Hugs!!💜
NHWM,
Your very welcome! It does take time to digest everything...IT'S A LOT! I am still trying to digest it too! One step or thing at a time...one day at a time! That is all any of us can do. Hugs!!💙
"Thank you for saying, “Giving birth to you didn’t give her life rights to your perpetual service.” That’s what she believes but you are so right!"
This thread is full of wonderful, amazing women that have incredible insight!!
It's amazing how ALL of our stories have so many similarities!!
If you need to unload, you'll find no judgement here!!
We're all in this together!!
(((Hugs)))
EP getting away for a couple weeks would be glorious. Can I come?
Got a text from my hairdresser yesterday that she's positive for Covid. And I sat in her chair for 2 hrs last Thursday. Both of us were masked, of course. Sigh. As if we don't already have enough on our plates as it is? DH and I went for our nasal swab test today. Results in 24 to 48 hrs. But we're expecting a huge blizzard Fri thru Sun which could drop several feet of snow, maybe up to 91" in some areas. So the results may be delayed. God give me strength.
Had a phone conference with the ED of mom's MC today. She's stopped falling since I got her shoes now that the toe wound cleared up. Btw, she's gained 14 lbs since January. What? Along with edema in her legs and feet, sounds like CHF is exacerbating but what do I know? I just can't manage all of what's going on for everybody right now. Mom sees the doctor at least once a WEEK in the MC. Sometimes twice. I have to believe if there is something bad going on, the doc will say Go To The ER which will be another crisis to deal with. I'm still on board for palliative care because what is the point of extending a 94 year old mother's life who's riddled with pain and advanced dementia? Now that she's tapering off Cymbalta the bad moods and sniping are coming back with a vengeance and the bad leg pain is coming next. There's no answer here.
Just praying for a resolution, one way or another. And no Covid for DH or me.
We know it's bad for our health, yet we keep getting sucked in.
We want so badly to break the cycle, and we feel so guilty if we give in.
God grant me the serenity to accept the things I can not change.
The strength to change what I can,.
And the wisdom to except what I can't. (Pardon my paraphrasing)
I've had a rough few days!
I can't get my Aunt on the phone and I can't get my Mom off the phone!
I am completely worried about my health. It's been almost a year since my colon cancer diagnosis and I am having some symptoms again.
The thing that hits me the most is that I am more concerned about who is gonna take care of my Aunt if I'm not here! I honestly don't give a rats a$$ what my Mom will do! Let my brothers figure it out!!
I apologize for being Debbie downer, but tonight I am just tired!
Tired of caring for one who doesn't even remember I call and tired of caring for one who (without dementia) doesn't remember how hard I work to make her happy!!
We have to wake up every morning and make a choice!
Do we choose to be our own person or someone's whipping boy?
It may vary from day to day, but every day we choose NO, is a VICTORY!!
Choices are completely individual!
I celebrate every day all of you choose to ignore the guilt and feel comfortable with your decision!!
Let's choose VICTORY!!!😘
I’m home now and have internet. First Lealonnie I am so sorry for what you are going through. Praying that you don’t have Covid. I am so sorry for everything you are going through with DH and your mom.
I totally relate to what we though was NORMAL with our mothers. I always tried to rationalize it.
On my parents 25th wedding anniversary, I was 12 and asked my best friends mom if she could bake a cake for my parents anniversary. She said sure. My friend and I sat down and watched her make this beautiful white cake. When it was all done I was so excited to give it to my parents. I walked home with the cake(my friend’s house was in my backyard, next street over) I went inside with the cake and my parents were arguing. I set the cake down to show my mother. She started screaming because she was mad at my father about something, and she picked up the cake and through it out in the garage and went all over the garage floor. I was so upset but I never told my friend. I didn’t want to hurt her mother who went through all that trouble.
When I was 17 and my brother and sister-in-law came home for a visit with their new baby, my mother was screaming about my father and she took the mattress off my brother and sister-in-laws bed and threw it down the stairs. My brother and sister-in-law and I were down at the bottom of the stairs and watched in horror. My brother was crying. I just stood there dumbfounded. Again, I somehow would normalize this. I knew it was wrong because I didn’t tell anyone about it. So I can relate to you lealonnie. But you were smart enough to know at a young age that this was wrong!! I didn’t figure it out. I just kept justifying her behavior in my mind.
I hope this post goes through. I don’t want to have to rewrite this again. But know that you are not alone with our crazy mothers!!! It helps me to write it out to all of you because when I see it spelled out in front of me, there is no justifying it. It’s clearly mental illness. Her brain was broken. It was broken all along.
Yet somehow, she lived to be 96 years old and deemed competent and lived on her own. How does that even make sense?
Sorry for the rambling. I’m overtired and need to go to bed. I just got home from work. This forum is my safety net. I’m so thankful for this forum and to all of you. Love to you all.
Jodi, YES-- it feels like something highly dysfunctional like alcoholism. I just so badly wanted to end that tension. And guess what she texted back-
"You have a lot on your plate What a joke!
Don't worry about it, I'll live"
I looked at her text and just started laughing like some crazed person. How many freaking times do I have to get burned before I just STOP this insane dance? So I didn't respond. Going forward I will definitely be limiting my time. No more multiple dinners per week. My mom will get bored and lonely and that will cause acting out and bad mouthing me. I'm just going to do my best to ignore it all.
Hellbore, it IS mental illness. I don't take my mom's opinion personally on a conscious level. I know she is very damaged. But I still react to her because unfortunately she raised me and it's that primal subconscious stuff. It's PTSD.
I just hope for all of us that those scars we carry will fade in time. That we can ignore them when we need to for our own sanity and mental health.
Hellbore I can't get her out of here until she is deemed incompetent by a judge, or she decides to leave herself. Both of those things seem so out of reach at the moment. I just have to protect myself with boundaries.
Chris- yes we have Mother's Day in the US. It's in May. I feel the same as you. I feel ill reading all the cards- In fact I don't buy them. I opt for flowers or food. The whole ritual of having to "honor" this person is the ultimate gas lighting.
Elaine, you are not rambling, it's good to vent and get things out. This forum IS a safety net, and I value all of you so much. Lea I hope you & DH don't have covid, please keep us posted on your results. You have a ton going on right now! When will your step daughter be in town? You and DH should take a vacation. A nice long one. We ALL need a vacation!
Jodi, if you think your having symptoms of the colon cancer then please get checked out ASAP. You must put your health first. Do you get blood work to monitor cea levels? I hope you hear from your aunt soon, let NM go to voicemail, and I hope you got some good rest.
You’re right about Mother’s Day being the ultimate in gaslighting. I hadn’t thought of it in that way before but it does explain why some of us get so upset about celebrating it.
When our son was very small we sometimes went out for lunch on Mother’s Day. My mother still made it all about her, even though I too had become a mother. She would require so much attention during the meal that I was often a nervous wreck dealing with her as well as keeping small son occupied and well behaved. It was never a celebratory day for me.
No, my Aunt is not a narcissist (Thank God), she is the sweetest woman I have ever known!
When I was little, I used to pray that God would make her my Mom.
Chris,
In the US we celebrate Mother's day in May.
The thought of trying to find a Mother's day card makes me stress. Hallmark doesn't make cards for NMs. Lol
As usual I went to bed late last night.
Went into my bathroom one last time before going to bed.
Next thing I know, my DH is trying to pick up off the floor!
I literally passed out and fell on the tile floor!
I'm ok this morning except my right shoulder hurts.
Two years ago I was in nirvana!
Involved in everything! Church, musicals at our local theater, community service and band gigs.
Life was beautiful!!
Now I feel completely stifled by caring for these two women.
I know so many of you are hurting!!
Please heed my warning and TAKE CARE OF YOURSELF!!
(((Hugs)))
Hope you are ok, xray. Caregivers are just plain tired. I walked into my mom bedroom door with my black eye shield on in the middle of the night a few months ago, but only got a little bruise. I usually take it off but not this time. I never heard the end of it with my niece, she watches me like a hawk. She fell flat on the car floor while helping me lift my mom in position. She also fell flat on her back on a bed cushion in the middle of the night in my moms room. We all need to be careful these days with lack of sleep and all. Take care.
Thanks Early!!
Elaine....that cake story is awful. Makes me cry to read it, and boy can I relate. What saved me as a kid was knowing I was adopted. Not blood related to this crazy woman. I was able to be objective.....detached a bit. To step back and say NO this is NOT what a normal parent acts like. I separated myself emotionally from the bedlam and was able to function knowing it wasn't Me it was Her. Still took a huge traumatic toll on me, but not as badly as it COULD have.
Jodi..please go to the doctor. Are you sure you just passed out, or did you have a seizure? Seizing feels like passing out to YOU....only someone witnessing it would know if you were convulsing. Go get checked. Your health comes FIRST.
Ep...your mother's text was foul, just foul, and I'm sorry you felt the need to apologize to her for something you weren't guilty of to begin with.....thats her goal with the silent treatment. It's good that anger is setting in now......its better than guilt and makes it easier for us to change our thinking patterns and behaviors with these NMs. You are a good daughter and SHE is a sorry excuse for a mother. What kind of loving mother says "what a joke" when her DD says she has a lot on her plate? I'd sooner cut my tongue out than say such a thing to either one of my kids.
Today my NM asked how my daughter in law was doing with the new baby. I said she was exhausted with the cluster feedings all day. Know what NM said? "Who cares? She wanted a baby, that's what she gets....just what she wanted." And she laughed.
Stilldealing, feeling guilt with these women who are incapable of empathy is a pure waste of emotion. They'd laugh at us if they knew they were inducing guilt in us. Think about THAT statement for a while and let it sink in.
My hubby is a Doctor! Lol.🤯
Thanks for your concern!!
(((Hugs)))
The last year has been really tough. Due to her prognosis, I have had to have more contact with her than i previously allowed (to manage her affairs), and due to constantly being 'on guard', I feel like i have become hardened in a way i don't like. I know there are no answers. I just fervently hope after she dies that I can just be ME. Thank you all for sharing your experiences here; I feel so much for you. Please try to remember who you really are and not lose yourself in caring for these NM's.
I completely understand how you feel!!
I have had many people advise me to completely cut ties with my NM and it's probably great advice!
However, the one thing I know to be true is that I have to be able to look at myself in the mirror every day!!!
No matter how much I hate what my Mom is and what she does, I will never forgive myself if she passes alone and afraid.
Call it F.O.G. Call it years of programming, but I know I have to go the distance (still settings boundaries of course) to keep my heart intact.
Do what you have to do for YOU!!
Your Mom may only have a short while left, but you still have a full life to live!!
(((Hugs)))
My counsellor is leaving the job next month, and although he has helped me quite a lot with my self-esteem problems and trying to persuade me that my life matters as much as my mother's, I am still stuck in the apparently unsolvable dilemma of not really wanting to care for my mother but being too 'nice' (and afraid of others' opinions) to abandon her. We *have* reduced the amount of visits we make, but she is already complaining about how bored and miserable she is in lockdown (as if any of us are enjoying it!) and I am jittery about what we do with her when things are back to normal. It's no surprise my back/shoulder pain has got worse again - I can never relax.
My DH was doing things (pre Covid) for my family that I stepped back from too. He also didn't see it as a problem - he is not as emotionally attached/involved. Different things, but I do get where you are coming from. He says he is a separate person & can choose what he does separate to me. Yes true. But I feel that contributes to the problem, not to a solution.
Covid was our little reprieve too.
I need to sleep on this problem.
Today I am taking her for her second vaccine and all I can think is PLEASE make plans to go visit someone, preferably an extended visit. But NOOOOO. She tells me yesterday that my sister and her fam want to come for a visit soon.
I am so furious at my sister. There is a short direct flight between us. My sister lives in a mansion, so plenty of room, built in pool, etc.
But her son wants to see the ocean!! They want a beach vaca. Nevermind that they travel extensively, including with their son, and did so all during covid including beach trips.
UGH- I have told my sister many times to have my mom at HER place, she only does 3-4 days anyway. And now after a YEAR of being locked down with my mom constantly around she wants them to come here! That is NO break for me. When they are here I am EXPECTED by ALL to join in the happy family time! To be an actual host! No way! My mom doesn't realize the intense resentment I have for both of my siblings who do NOTHING to actually help anything, and I get ZERO support for all I do for OUR mother.
The real kicker is my sister knows full well how bad this is for me. Yet she will call me and play dumb before this trip, like clockwork. "Hi, just wanted to see how you are doing" when she knows how bad it is, because she herself can't go more than a few days in my mother's company.
This time when she calls to let me know they are coming, I'm going to tell her she makes me sick and to leave me and my DH completely out of their plans, period.
Stop letting these folks rule your life.