Follow
Share
Read More
This discussion has been closed for comment. Start a New Discussion.

1K Comments

Newest
First Oldest
First
21 22 23 24 25
Jodi,

You say that you have had others advise you to completely cut ties with your mom. It’s not something that everyone is able or willing to do. As long as you set boundaries, you’re doing okay.

Some people have had to completely end relationships with toxic family members. I had to do that with my brothers.

What I find sad is that people get wrongly judged for cutting off relationships.

Others don’t always comprehend the situation for what it is.

They have unrealistic ideas about family.

Some people do have warm and wonderful families with normal ups and downs.

Others have truly disturbing situations that make it nearly impossible to live in harmony.

I hate it when people feel that we can become miracle workers and the issues will melt away. It’s really frustrating.

I stopped trying to explain my situation to insensitive, nosey people. People like that will only see and hear what they choose to.

Why do people feel as if they need to know everyone else’s business anyway?

I don’t have the need to know everything about everyone else in my life.

I don’t pry. I listen and allow people to tell me if they wish to say something personal, otherwise I don’t ask.

I have had to distance myself from a neighbor who thinks that I should have given my mom free passes for everything.

She made ridiculous comments that truly worked on my nerves like, “We only have one mom and she will be gone one day! You won’t be able to say that you are sorry.”

Or she would say, “There is no one that will ever love you as much as your mom!”

She didn’t like my response to the ‘death’ remark. I told her that we are ALL going to die one day.
(3)
Report
NHWM,

Amen!!!

I honestly wish I had it in me to cut ties altogether with NM!!

I think for me, it boils down to what I can live with. That most certainly doesn't mean I am any better or worse than anyone else in our situation. It means that I am becoming self aware. That's a great start!!

I may come to the point that I feel I no longer have any choice other than going NC.

We're ALL on similar journeys!
Maybe not all of our paths are the same, but we're ALL striving to get to the same destination. PEACE!😘
(6)
Report
Addressing issues with 'no contact'/'low contact': these are not easy, but sometimes necessary choices when dealing with narcissistic family members. I have maintained very low contact for many years with my NM, but even the infrequent calls/visits/family holidays provoked nothing but depression, anxiety and resentment (that a 'mother' could be so mean toward own decent children). My mother has now been moved to a very nice in-patient hospice only facility, since keeping her at home with RTC care became unmanageable (largely due to mother's own poor decision making on a day-to-day basis). She, of course, hates it. Hates us. Hates everyone and everything, and boy, is she going to tell us off! Put us in our places! She is really directing her venom toward me, to the point family members have advised me to stay away from any visits. So I am not visiting or calling (no contact, essentially). And the smear campaign has begun: she is complaining to my siblings that I am essentially a rotten person, projecting her own poor mothering onto me ( I did not have children but enjoy extremely good relationships with my two children by marriage, and grandchildren. She resents that I am a good parent/grandparent; I think it reminds her of her own parental failings.) She has sent out 'flying monkeys' (getting my beloved brother to pass along her insults...) So the moral of the story is: even if you go No Contact, the NM will stop at nothing to reach you with her hatred. At this point, I am reconciled to never seeing or speaking to her again. So sad, when, if she would allow it, I would be very loving, kind and attentive in these last days. But I must be loving and kind to myself, and refrain from walking through those doors that only open to hell. Thanks, all, for comfort and safety here.
(5)
Report
Stilldealing, sorry you are going thru this with your NM but glad you are taking care of yourself. I feel your pain. My NM is basically off the Cymbalta again bc she was falling so much and so confused she didn't even realize it. But she was pleasant the past 2 months, now she's mean and angry once again. She called here last night after I'd gotten home from holding my beautiful grandson for the first time. He was fussy and gassy. I rocked him....he looked up at me and smiled and fell asleep peacefully for 90 minutes!

So the phone rings at 5:45.....its her. I don't know why I can't come and live at your house, is what she says. I KNOW YOU DON'T WANT ME. I calmly said mom, there is no possible way I can care for you here in this house, I am simply not capable. And I listed off 15 reasons why, to start. She says, "where there's a will, there's a way, that's what I know" and she hangs up!

I'm letting her calls go to vm now. We had an indoor visit scheduled for 3pm tomorrow but when I told her, she made a noise like Oh Yeah, Big Deal. So I may cancel it. Gotta plan to place her in the SNF soon, by summer at the latest, her money is running out. Boy I can hardly wait for the mean talk THEN, huh? I pity her roommate
(5)
Report
Lealonnie, I’m so sorry your mom has gotten so mean again!! If I were you I WOULD NOT go visit her tomorrow. Go ahead and cancel it. You can go another time.

She put a sour note on a special day you had with your grandson. You don’t need to see her tomorrow snd listen to more of her wrath.

My mom got so mean at the end. So mean to tell me she didn’t love me. So mean to think I was trying to kill her!!! So mean to think I was trying to give her a heart attack because I showed her my rag doll cat, (she hates cats, always did.) She said I purposely showed her my cat knowing that she hates cats and trying to give her a heart attack!!! INSANITY!!!!

Im so glad you got to hold your new grandson. What a bundle of joy!!! Hang on to that lovely memory!!! You will have many fun times with your new grandson.

Take care. Big hugs to you!!!
(3)
Report
Lea-good idea to let those calls go to VM. And cancel a visit if she is in a 'bad mood'. I've been practicing a stat phrase to use on my NM if she starts in on me (provided I do see her before her end). Like this: 'Mother, I see that you are not feeling well enough for a visit today, and are not enjoying seeing me. So I am leaving now.'* I have read about these kinds of interventions on multiple websites, and perhaps they work for some. I'm not sure how this will work with my severely disordered NM; but if she starts raging, she can rage at the 'empty, bare walls' in her cushy private suite at the hospice unit. (She refused to allow us to bring in any photos, artwork, or bed coverings to decorate her space. Has to be the martyr, ya know.)
Focus on your new grandson. I'm so happy you were able to soothe him and give him your love and care...he is really what matters now. Our mothers 'have made their beds'...
* I like this phrase because: it acknowledges she is very ill (she wants that attention and can't refute the statement), and it acknowledges that my presence makes her unhappy (puts the conundrum on her to reconcile her desire for me to visit so she can chew me out, but that I don't visit because of her own verbally abusive behavior. Throws the responsibility of her actions onto her...
(5)
Report
Elaine,

You had so much patience with your mom. I don’t know how you held up as well as you did.

I know that you are speaking from years of experience when you speak to Lea and others on this thread.

You, Lea and everyone else on this thread has been through the mill many times over.

Caregiving becomes so heart wrenching while in the throws of it.

Still,

I’m so sorry for your struggles. It becomes difficult to stomach the pain that we go through with our family.

I had to learn how to distance myself too, when needed.

It’s a balancing act, isn’t it?
(4)
Report
Thanks Elaine, I know you understand what I'm going thru. My mother does have dementia and mental illness, I know, but after TEN YEARS of this crap, I'm so tired I can't function. I'm not putting up with it anymore, nor am I having an ongoing discussion of why she can't come live here. 68 falls, incontinence and being wheelchair bound is more than enough and that doesn't BEGIN to address the issues she has. It takes 2 CGs to get her out of bed in the morning and here I am, taking care of a DH who just had major heart and lung surgery and is now facing liver cancer! Today he goes to the surgeon at 4, DD the RN is taking him. Praying for the surgeon to say he can remove the tumor.

I spoke to DH who agrees we should dx the visit to MC tomorrow.

I'm really sorry you had to hear all that mean stuff from your NM at the end. What a rotten memory to be left with. Sending you a big hug and prayers for healing.
(6)
Report
Stilldealing......you are right! I've said to NM before, I see that you are not in a good mood so I am hanging up the phone now and will speak to you when you are in a better frame of mind.

When we go visit, the past year has been window visits over the phone, I NEVER go alone. So she is always civilized bc my DH is there and a CG is always in and out of the room. Gotta keep up The Nice Face for others. But.....if DH goes to the car for a moment, she sinks her teeth into my neck! This is why the phone calls are bad. She has me ALL to herself and can unleash her vitriol. I'm deathly sick and tired of being The Good Daughter and STILL being treated like the villain.

It was so wonderful to soothe my grandson and hear my DH say how much he loves me, then get treated so badly by my own MOTHER. Such a dichotomy. Makes me KNOW she's the crazy one, but I'm still so sick and tired of all of it.
(7)
Report
Lea,

This is where I lagged behind you. Too often, I tried to reason with my mom. BIG mistake!

I was desperately trying to fix things and have harmony in our lives.

Ha! Doesn’t always work out. Then we learn to move forward in a new direction, right?

It took me forever to learn that it isn’t always possible to get others to see our point of view.

Kudos to you for successfully avoiding conflict and teaching others what works and doesn’t work in our relationship with our mothers.
(5)
Report
Lea-your last comment is my mother's behavior to a T. (Using telephone time to unleash, b/c there are no witnesses. Keeping 'face' in front of third parties...). I, too, always take my husband to any visits with mother, b/c she curbs her tongue then and is generally somewhat civil. However, the hospice unit she is in only allows one visitor at a time (covid rules). I am mother's designated scapegoat (always have been, always will be), so I have told sibs i probably won't visit until she reaches non-verbal stage of active dying, or until i hear she has changed her tune. (Blame game, sneaky information forays, threats, behind back insults, etc. are all still in play. Sigh...)
Please consider that your husband, children and grandchildren's and YOUR welfare eclipse those of your mother at this time. She is safe, cared for, and is having her needs met. Perhaps step back from the tele calls (see first para above). When I took that first step, an enormous burden was lifted right away. (No more covert attacks. Hmmm-guerilla warfare?) Use the covid rules to your advantage to get much needed peace of mind. Think of your husband and his love for you, your children's love for you, and start erasing your mother's faulty narrative that you are not lovable. I wore a rubber band around my wrist for awhile, and snapped it whenever my mother's narrative started poisoning my mind (her narrative for me that she wants to re-instill is that I am selfish, hard, unloving and unlovable, a bad daughter, etc.). When I snapped the band, I deliberately turned my thoughts to my husband's love, our healthy relationship, his adult children's respect and affection for me, and the dear faces of my beloved (step) grandchildren when they rush up for a hug and sneak into my lap. I think of the incredibly supportive relationships I have maintained with my 4 siblings (courtesy of my mentally healthy, kind and committed father) despite mother's contrary manipulations. I think of the lifelong friends who are always ready to give a kind word. Maybe try the rubber band trick to train your brain to a default setting of loving yourself for who you really are? I think I may go find that rubber band again...
(4)
Report
stilldealing, sad isn't it, but they're all the same in so many ways. My NMs oldest sister was SO horrible, she was guilting her DD right to the bitter end with her narc ways, even with advanced Alzheimers (living in the ALF down the street), and finally became catatonic the last 6 months or so of her life. I found that to be a huge BLESSING b/c all that vicious talk stopped. My cousin thought Oh What A Terrible Thing To Say, that it was a blessing her NM was unable to speak! To this day (and her NM died in 2013), she still feels like she was The Bad Daughter and didn't do enough for her, when she practically gave up her whole entire life FOR her NM. She never had children, and considered her very elderly parents 'her children' and has allowed pain & suffering to rule her life. I'm VERY GLAD I didn't take that road myself, and I'm glad you didn't either. There is NO REASON for us to take on such a mentally ill attitude!!!!!!!!! That belongs to our NMs, not to US! Good idea to wait for your NM to become non verbal before going to the hospice home for a visit, since you have to go alone. Sigh.

Anyway, NM did call here again last night, over & over again until I answered the phone. She's highly confused and asking to 'drive her car to see her papa' which is nonsense, of course. She's got 1 week left of the Cymbalta (taken every 3rd day now) before she's totally off of it) and is WAY more confused than I've ever heard her. She was not acting mean or snarky at all, just super confused and asking the same questions over and over and OVER again, not understanding what I was telling her. We are going over there today at 3 pm for an inside visit more to see WHAT she's looking like during the daytime hours and so we can have the entire weekend off (we normally go for an outside window visit on Sundays which we will not do this week). I think she's probably ok..........it's just bizarre to hear THIS level of confusion from her. She made no mention of coming here to my house, so that's a good thing.

My DH gets so upset when NM makes me feel small. He's shocked at how she can erase all the good feelings I have about myself in 2 seconds flat. I love your rubber band idea...........I've heard it being used for lots of other reasons, but love your use for it!
(3)
Report
Yes, Lea, the rubber band trick. If you try it, let me know how it goes for you? I've tried making lists of all the good things I like about myself, what my friends like about me, etc. but right now I am in a bad way since I feel so much social pressure to interact with this strange thing called a mother. The contradictions, illogical arguments, irrationality and just plain meanness for meanness sake make my head spin (and ache)! On a lighter note, some years ago I decided to quit using curse words. So I used a 'swear jar'. Everytime I uttered or thought a swear word, I had to put a quarter in the jar. It was remarkable how quickly I quit using swear words, because just having to interrupt my workflow to get up, get a quarter out of my purse and put it into the jar was enough negative reinforcement to make the old brain stop before the swear word came out...very effective. (My co-workers bought a pizza with the quarters. That was the deal we made. LOL.) So I wonder if the swear jar would work for bad mommy thoughts? I am pretty sure more than a pizza will be involved...Anyway, I'm serious. Would love to know if one can reprogram the negative loops in the brain caused by narcissistic parenting...
And I am sorry to hear of your mother's confusion. Sounds like something new? Perhaps a talk with her nurses/caregivers may shed light?
(2)
Report
stilldealing..........I have a very large antique butter churn in the kitchen that I throw coins into; there's probably $400 or more in there right now. I'd need 10x that many to throw coins into for 'bad mommy thoughts', ugh. Sad how social pressure is torturing you to go see your mother; nobody understands ANYTHING about ANY of this, do they? Only those who have to suffer through life with an NM. Try not to let any of that social pressure seep through; I know it's hard.

The confusion from NM is from the Cymbalta............now it's even worse with the withdrawal from coming off the stuff. She was on it once before (for neuropathy pain) the January before last and it helped her with the pain, a lot, but made her confusion worse, so the doc & I thought we'd try it again, that the trade off would be worth it. It wasn't. The confusion was SO horrible that she fell 8x in 10 days & didn't even realize she was on the floor, so she's being weaned off again. This time, she was on the stuff for 2 months (vs 2 weeks last time) so the weaning is taking longer & the confusion is like nothing I've ever witnessed. But then again, with my NM, it's ALWAYS something unbelievably ridiculous with high drama involved. She doesn't do well with meds at ALL, and now she'll start carrying on again about the agonizing pain in her legs, but there's no meds (other than the Cymbalta) that TOUCH the nerve pain. One thing after another.
(1)
Report
May I vent a little, or ask for advice/reassurance? I think I mentioned that my mother has given my brother (golden child; two incomes) an undisclosed but apparently largeish gift of money to go towards his car expenses, while we - the ones whose car she uses every week (self-employed and retired) - got nothing when we had to buy a new battery. And get no help with petrol when we drive her to places she needs to go.

I didn't like the unfairness of this but was prepared to swallow it, as usual, but every time we see her now she mentions it, as if rubbing it in. I am curious about why she is doing this. It seems to me that either she is just so cruel that she doesn't care how unfair and unpleasant it is to do this, or she is losing mental competence and truly doesn't realize. I don't want to believe the former, and the latter isn't great either!

It doesn't seem worth our pointing out to her, even semi-jokingly, that we could do with this kind of help too, since we are the ones she relies on for everything, as it would quite likely offend her and create a nasty atmosphere that would only rebound on us anyway. But just being silent and accepting it is hard, as it offends my sense of justice! It may also make her think we are such wimps that she can treat us as poorly as she likes and we won't make a fuss - which is, sadly, true!

Does anyone else have experience of this sort of thing, and are we right just to put up with it?
(0)
Report
Helen, what your mother is doing is typical .....treating you, the scapegoat, like the second class citizen, and your brother like the favored golden child that he is.

Read this article

https://www.daughtersofnarcissisticmothers.com/golden-child-and-scapegoat/

She IS rubbing it in that she gives your brother everything and you nothing, it's what narcs DO. If it were me, I wouldn't be worried about offending her......shes certainly not worried about offending you, quite the opposite. Call her out on the BS and tell her to call your BROTHER next time she needs anything bc you're taking a few MONTHS off. It's not ok to be disrespectful to you like this while you're bending over backwards to help her out. She's acting very mean and spiteful.

And if you decide to go back and help her out again down the road, lay down some firm boundaries, including how much she can contribute to the gas consumption she's using up! Chipping in for expenses is what normal people DO when loved ones are helping out. Except narcs think the world owes them a living, but not the golden child.

Study up on NPD so you can learn strategies to use and how to protect YOURSELF!
(3)
Report
Helenb, *put up with* is just not in my nature! (Maybe that's why my blood pressure is up a bit 😂).

Generous folk give out $20 every now & then toward fuel for all their trips. Reasonable folk (or those without a spare cash) say thankyou & mean it.

Hmm my guess is Mother is testing your limits. Whether from really wanting to test your limits, or just stirring the pot to get a drama show - I don't know.

Testers are like four year olds testing the mettle of a new kindy friend. How far can I push her before she snaps?
Maybe it's reassuring to know the edge of one's power?
Sometimes you catch their secret smile as they make you snap at them...

Or a Drama Queen. Wants to set the stage for a great show, just for her own entertainment.

Hmm depends which..

Wth testers I would state clearly what my boundary was. I can drive you to ONE appointment next week, you will need to arrange taxi or other transport for any others. Then stick to it. Very important to stick to your word.

With Drama Queen I would mumble hmm, yeees, right & other boring grey rock answers.

Or maybe I'd ask outright: Why are you telling me how much money you have given to Brother? Keep up the Why for each answer. Might be fun..
(0)
Report
Just come back to the forum after a few days as my MIL became very ill last weekend and moved into a hospice two days ago - I’ve spent the week giving support to my DH and taking care of everything at home while he made the trip over to see her one last time. I’m sure I’ve mentioned in the past that whenever there has been a situation where a family member or friend needs a lot of attention, my mother will make a fuss to ensure she gets the full attention she feels she deserves. I’m not sure this is even a conscious thing, more like an automatic reaction. I had a taste of this again this week. She knows my MIL is dying and trotted out the usual cliches, but there was no compassion or feeling behind the words - she immediately then turned back to talking about herself. Then yesterday she phoned me in hysterics about receiving a letter from the pensions office, suggesting her pension might be reduced and needing help with writing a reply. She kept saying she couldn’t deal with it all, it was all too much for her and I’d have to do it for her (no polite request, just the usual entitled demand). I had planned to drop some things off with her anyway so said I’d take a look at the letter then. When I got there, she again tried to get me to go inside even though she knows visits are still not allowed during lockdown. I again refused, but read over the letter outside. It was basically just the standard acknowledgment letter confirming she’d notified them of her change of address. It specifically said no action was required from her. I explained all of this but she was determined that I write to them and got quite annoyed when I read it out aloud to prove no action was needed. It turned out she hasn’t actually read the letter at all, but had seized it as an opportunity to rope me in to doing something for her because my attention was focused on my DH and MIL for a change. Her behaviour disgusts me. I know that this is a personality disorder and these types of people aren’t necessarily aware of the impact of their behaviour, but I also know I don’t have to put up with such attention seeking hysteria. I contrast her behaviour with that of my lovely sweet MIL, and I’m not ashamed to say that a small part of me wishes it was my mother who was in the hospice instead of my MIL. I recall her doing a similar thing on the day of my FIL’s funeral, fussing about and getting the way with her various demands, making the day even more difficult than it needed to be. Ugh, these people really disgust me.
(1)
Report
Chris, I am so sorry that your sweet MIL is so ill.

Something that helps me in dealing with narcs (not in the moment, believe me, lol) is to imagine how empty they must feel inside to need to demand all this attention when others are in need. I can't remember if it was one of my therapists who pointed this out with regard to my narcissistic ex or someone else, but they are really rather pathetic.
(4)
Report
Chris I'm sorry about your MIL. Is your DH holding up okay? Are you?

Wish I could say I was shocked at what your NM pulled, but I'm not. It's how they are. Did you call her on it? What if you had said- "My MIL is DYING and you called me over here for NOTHING, you didn't even read this paper, how could YOU do this?!"...

I see a pattern with these NM's that we DON'T call them out. Dementia is part of my reason now, but it's not THE reason as I've been afraid to call my mom on her abusive behavior my entire life. It just baffles me how much narcs get away with, and the control they maintain. Like Helen should just be able to say to her mom- cars aren't free, so you need to start contributing or golden child can be the chauffer. I don't know why it is so hard for us??

Lea, I'm sorry your mom is having a hard time coming off the Cymbalta. Can she take anti-anxiety meds, like a benzo? I don't know why more elders aren't given benzo's for their anxiety. So what if they get addicted? If it makes for a more calm quality of life then it seems worth it to me.

How did it go with your DH's liver doctor? Is your mom aware of what's happening? Either way I really hope you can drastically limit your time with your NM as you and DH figure out his plan. It wasn't all that long ago that you were delivering her treats she HAD to have after DH's heart surgery, but enough is enough, I think now DH's health and your stress level need to be the top priority.
(2)
Report
Piper, MIL still hanging on at the moment. Strangely, DH is better mentally than he was a week ago when this first hit. He's spent some decent time with his mum this week, which has been so good for both of them. You're right, we should call them out on the NM behaviour, but that it itself is mentally exhausting, and probably futile as they wouldn't have a clue about the point you'd be trying to make. As Barb says, they are devoid of emotion so my mother wouldn't begin to understand the mental anguish my DH and I are going through right now. I'm just going to limit contact and also limit the information I give her. You are right Barb - better to pity them for being an empty husk than get angry. I think to the casual reader this sort of behaviour seems appalling and unbelievable but if you have a NM it's what you are used to and isn't surprising at all. On top of this, my mother has never been a team player and I'm seeing this start to play out at her supported living place. She has started to walk out to the local shops every morning, to satisfy her shopaholic tendencies. Some mornings there might be an informal residents' meeting about some joint activities or events. She misses these but then complains she's out of the loop when decisions are made without her, but she won't wait in for the meeting to start. It's another example of how her own needs and wants have ALWAYS been put ahead of anyone else's. Now I reflect on the decade she lived with us, I honestly believe she felt I was the nuisance (in my own home!) because she couldn't always do exactly what she wanted and had to fit in with the rest of the family. What a legacy!
(3)
Report
Reviewing Chris and Barb's comments: I too am disgusted by mother's narcissistic behavior/personality. However, I don't buy the psychologist perspective that narcs are empty, lack self esteem and therefore make up for that with their maladaptive/destructive behavior, etc. I think narc people know exactly what they are doing, enjoy it, study and practice their destructive patterns to perfect them, shift their manipulations until they find one that works, and again, enjoy the process. My mother certainly doesn't fit the low self-esteem model, nor did my ex. I think these folks are just born with a bad character. I refuse to make any excuses for them. They are intelligent enough to reflect upon their behavior, but since they enjoy creating misery and chaos, have no desire or intention to change it. In my mother's case, i have come to believe there really is evil in the world, and it manifested itself in her personality. This is just my point of view. Thank you, if you read this, for your patience and understanding.
(4)
Report
Stilldealing, I get what you're saying. I would certainly never look to excuse my mother's behaviour on the grounds that she has a disorder and can't help it. By the time we are adults, we all have an idea of what is generally right and wrong in terms of our behaviours - we know that robbing a bank is wrong, as we know that shouting at someone and belittling them is also wrong. Whether we care about that is another matter. I think the narcissists just don't care whether their behaviour is acceptable or not. There will be a spectrum of narcissistic behaviours, with some relishing the upset they cause, and others not even noticing. The one universal outcome is that they screw you up mentally, so it is most important to find ways to protect yourself from this abuse. That really is the number one priority. Stilldealing, I understand where you're coming from, and totally support your approach.
(1)
Report
Ep......benzos would never be prescribed for my mother, she falls constantly as it is! She knows nothing about DH and his issues, the wart on her knuckle is all she's worried about and has been dwelling on the past 5 years. It was removed AGAIN for the 25th time, at a minimum, and I'm sure it's growing back already, so my NM keeps the PA busy weekly with her chronic wart needs. Who cares about cancer? The visit Thurs was fun, with her reminding us about her horrible life and all the operations she's had. Yeah, the unnecessary hysterectomy for a fibroid in 1975 and an appendectomy in 1945. I think I'll send in her app for most surgeries to the Guiness Book of World Records, for sure. She's fine, and I told her so, reminding her that at 94, only needing a WART removed was something to be thankful for. She reminded us she has NOTHING to be thankful for.

And the beat goes on.

DH went to the surgeon on Weds who said he'll do an ablation for the tumor via a groin catheter and then send one jolt of chemo to the spot. One and done, is how he put it. We are grateful and hopeful this will be an answer. If the tumor comes back, they can do an ablation a few more times. We meet with the radiology interventionalists this Weds. Covid shots on Tues.

Chris, prayers sent for your MIL. Figures your NM would be dramatic at this time. And the beat goes on. And on and ON. Some things never change. We can set our clocks by their damn behavior, every single time. Be it a wart or an inconsequential letter from the government.

Stilldealing.......I know my NM knows exactly what she's doing with her destructive behavior, but I also know she's as empty inside as its possible to BE. A human with no empathy or ability to feel sympathy for another human is the very definition of empty. There's no soul in there....no heart. No blood in the veins.....just ice water. Narcissists are known to be psychopaths and sometimes sociopaths precisely BECAUSE they have no ability to FEEL what another is going thru. They can't feel love, so they can inflict pain without remorse. The rest of us cannot do it....we have a conscience whereas they don't!
(4)
Report
Lea, hoping your DH’s treatment is successful, and glad to hear also that you’re getting your Covid jabs this week. Your mum’s wart drama sounds just typical. My mother started up about “her osteoporosis” as soon as she was told about my MIL’s condition. This is something she was warned about, over 20 years ago, as a condition that might affect her (along with many thousands of women) as she got older, encouraged to take calcium supplements as a preventative measure and has never mentioned since, nor been affected by. Not exactly a diagnosis, but she is now bigging it up for all it’s worth. I called her bluff by suggesting she saw a doctor about it but she shrugged that off by saying there was no point. One of the problems of this attention seeking behaviour is that while the NM is grabbing all the attention on non existent or minor ailments, the bigger medical issues can be overlooked or even missed. I suffered with the acute pain episodes of what turned out to be fibromyalgia for much longer than I should have done before I sought medical advice, as I was so sucked into her daily dramas and had no time to look after myself. When I told her about my diagnosis she just wasn’t interested. What is interesting though is that since she moved out, the FM flare ups have been less severe than before, maybe because I have got better at spotting the signs and pre-empting the pain with medication before it really sets in. Maybe it’s also as our home environment is much less stressful without her here. I guess I now have the physical and mental space to be aware of and deal with my own needs now - and that’s quite an alien concept if you’ve been conditioned to serve a NM throughout your life.
(3)
Report
Lea, I'm happy and relieved for you and DH on the ablation - one and done sounds great! Hoping for a quick resolution and recovery.
The fact that you have to sit and listen about a WART with NM when your DH is sitting there with cancer, is just so sad. Sad that we have "parents" like this.

And they are sooo similar, it blows my mind. Chris' mother immediately pivots to "her osteoporosis" when Chris MIL is dying - the lack of empathy is mind blowing.

My DH was very recently diagnosed with melanoma. What we thought and were told would be a nothing-burger of a removal in the dermatologist office is now turning into a something. Friday I found out he needs to see a surgeon (now scheduled for April 1) and they want to check lymph nodes. I have been very anxious about this because I wasn't with my DH when he was told to see a surgeon due to the type of melanoma, and my DH didn't know the type, and it was too late in the day for me to reach anyone at the doctors office... so yesterday I tell my mom about this, and not only did she barely pay attention but literally I was in mid-sentence of my condensed version of this and she butts in and starts complaining about "Oh my back has been terrible" and wouldn't shut up about her back and never went back to the fact that my DH has melanoma that needs actual surgery!

There goes the mood plummet, AGAIN. Then to make things worse my mom then informs me that my sister & fam are making plans to come here for Easter weekend. When neither me or DH chimed in like Christmas was coming she copped an attitude about that-- "Why didn't you say anything when I told you YS was coming?"... I just said- I heard you, and QUICKLY changed the subject. She kept trying to go back to it and I kept changing the subject until I made an excuse to get her to leave- Oh yeah, I had to work soon (at that fake job).

An hour later my sister texts me- "How are you, we're going to come down Easter weekend, looking at flights now"... I text back, "I need a break from mom it would be best if she went to your place"... she texts back- "She wants us to come there, don't worry we'll keep her away from you". Sigh. I never heard such BS in my life. I texted back - "Read my above statement. FU"

She did not text me back after that, but tried calling my DH a few hours later. He missed the call. That too made me angry. He told me he wouldn't have picked up anyway, and he knows full well WE could use, no make that NEED a break, me especially, so he too thinks my sister is being selfish.

I'm to the point, that when this comes up again with my mother, which I'm sure it will, I've decided I am going to tell her point blank I want her to travel to my siblings as opposed to having them here because I need a break from her. I'm going to say it, and let the chips fall. IMO any SANE person could easily understand WHY I would need one. If she can't, too bad. And my sister, who I know FULLY understands why, can take a hike. I am so done with her.
(5)
Report
stilldealing, I've always wondered what causes narcissism. I really don't know, all I know is that they have no empathy.

My mom has done things through the years separate from her "mothering" that was still behavior that horrified me. One example off the top of my head- about 7 years ago she discovered she had some termites in her old place. She had an exterminator come out and it was determined that the termites had gotten into her wooden bedframe. It wasn't like a big infestation, just a few, but she noticed the small bits of dust. So she bought a new bedframe. Instead of throwing the old one away- she took it to a consignment shop to be sold. So some innocent person likely needing a deal on a bed frame would end up with those termites. My mom did NOT need the money, she just didn't care about screwing somebody over.
(2)
Report
Piper, I think we have the same mother! My mum's words when I told her about my poor MIL were " well my back's been terrible", pretty much a carbon copy of what your mum said! You will never get any sympathy from these kinds of people. Your sister sounds as though she is not respecting your situation nor that of your DH at the moment. Does she know about your DH's upcoming surgery? That should be more than enough to make it obvious you do not need visitors this Easter. Looking at your timings, the Easter weekend should be a time of rest and recuperation for your DH and for you. If your family cannot see this, block the calls, lock the doors, pre-order in plenty of nice Easter foods and enjoy each other's company without the family circus.
(3)
Report
Ep.....Easter is April 4th! You and DH are going to be busy with his cancer surgery FFS and your NM and your sister can go take a hike, together, out of your sight and space. If they don't like it, they can lump it. It's horrifying to think your sister would even think to call your DH if she doesn't like what YOU have to say. You two present a united front against the world now and SCREW THEM ALL. I'm mad FOR you, in case you couldn't tell 😑 .....sending prayers for DH that the melanoma is easily removed and cured.

Chris....thank you. "Conditioned to serve a NM throughout your life." PERFECTLY STATED. Ugh.
(4)
Report
Also Piper, just to add that a caring family response to your current situation would be to ask what they could do to help, not talk about themselves or invite themselves down, with the burden that creates for you.
(4)
Report
This discussion has been closed for comment. Start a New Discussion.

Recent Questions


Popular Questions


Related Questions

Start a Discussion
Subscribe to
Our Newsletter