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Lea, perfectly put!!
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I am so glad I made the decision to write about what happened this morning because I have been a mess with worry about this melanoma since Friday to be honest, and the validation and encouragement to stand up for myself really helps. Thank you.

No, I'm not spending Easter with any of them. My sister got the message loud and clear with the FU at the end of my text. That is the first time I have lashed out at her. I wonder if she is going to switch gears now, and tell my mother I'm the reason she won't/can't come down? We'll see. If so I will just tell my mom I need a break from her, REGULAR breaks. It's past the time that we have that conversation. She'll be angry. I don't care. I guess that is one upside to compassion fatigue- you mad? I don't care.
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Piper, of course you are worried. We are here for you.
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Piper-So happy for you that you have taken a stand on that business of your sister trying to force the Easter visit upon you, instead of having your mother go to her. Just continue to stand firm, state your position (again and again, if necessary), and get on with YOUR life, as others (eg. sister) are getting on with theirs.
With respect to these NM's always shifting the focus of any medical discussion to their minor problems, it is just what they do. Everytime. They not only don't care if your husbands have serious medical problems to deal with, they resent it. Takes the focus of the NM, ya know...and they can't have that. Even though it would be really nice to tell the NM you are worried about your husband, have a stressful situation there to deal with, the reality of the matter is, the NM will always take the position her inconsequential/nonexistent medical problem is more important. I know. My own NM does this very exact thing. (I think its in the Narcissist Mommy Manual.) At this point, I never discuss any of my own or my husband's issues with mother; unfortunately, I have eliminated so many topics from discussion with her, I have nothing left to talk with her about. When I gut it up to see her, I just sit there. And she talks, and talks, and talks....so tedious. My well wishes go out to you all here, especially those whose spouses/family members are confronting some serious medical issues.
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EP: I was just thinking, there's nothing like a healthy dose of ANGER to get us to tell the NMs to sit down & SHUT UP, eh? Nothing like cancer to deal with to get us to actually SEE the BS these women are forcing down our throats & for us to say ENOUGH. I saw it loud & clear on the visit to the MC on Thurs, with NM sitting there carrying ON & ON about some stupid wart and 'all the operations' she's had while my DH looks like death warmed over, and is now facing cancer! And there she sits, all 200 lbs of her, complaining about a WART.

Yep, nothing like ANGER to motivate us to stand up for ourselves and our husbands and to put things into their proper PERSPECTIVE.

Sometimes it's the blessing that's hidden inside of a curse that helps us learn the most valuable lessons in life
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Why, why, why don't people eventually wake up if they have narcissistic people in their lives who make it miserable for them. When they are kids and growing up, they don't have much control but as adults they should NEVER tolerate this and if nothing will stop it, then grow up and depart and lead a happy life. This is not love, this is pure control and guilt. You owe t hem nothing. Immediately look after yourself and start doing all that makes YOU happy and content - even if you have to move on.
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Riley, you may not be able to understand this, but those of us here on this thread have made a conscious decision to CARE for our narcissistic loved one(s) for a variety of reasons. You can disagree with that decision, which is your prerogative, but please don't come here and tell us to 'wake up'. We have enough to deal with ALREADY without hearing more nonsense.

Part of what makes us able TO live with ourselves IS helping to care for these people, believe it or not. Being able to live a happy & content life means giving back, even to those who don't always deserve it.
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Piper,
Good for you for standing up to your family and telling them what you need.

Riley,
Please, please, as a member of this forum, who is supposed to have compassion, give some to those of us whose mothers have been less than stellar to us. We want and need to be able to do what is within our boundaries to care for our mothers the best way for us. This is no place for shaming.
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Several good things have happened this last week!!

Saw the neurosurgeon on Wednesday and my spine is healing great! He has released me to start doing light activities (I already was. Lol).

We had our first band practice in over 6 months and much to my surprise, I was able to sing despite the trauma to my vocal cords from my surgery.

Friday, I asked Mom if she had spoken to the Director about the decrease in her rent. She had!
Since the company she hired to find her an apartment can't find anything, she has decided to stay put in ALF (for now)!!

This takes a huge load off of me! And makes my colon cancer issue a little easier to deal with.

This last week was good!!
I'm generally not a pessimist, but I can't help but wonder what the next crisis is going to be.
For now I'll take the good!!

Still and Lea,

I think about you both often!!

This may be a horrible thing to say, but this won't last forever!!

I have prayed that my Aunt and my NM, will just pass away peacefully. I know this thought is not uncommon for caregivers, but it still causes guilt.

The truth is that they will pass!!

In the meantime, keep setting boundaries. Keep learning everything you can about narcissism. And above all, take care of yourself!!

Praying for Peace and sending you Love!!😘
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Riley,

If you didn't grow up with a narcissistic parent, I imagine it's almost impossible to understand.

It's much like growing up in a cult!
You don't know there's anything different or wrong.

Many of us didn't know that we grew up with narcissistic parents until we were out of their house. By then, we had been programmed that if we want our narcissistic parent to love us, we have to do things for them in order to "earn " their love.
Again, very cult like!! And an EXTREMELY hard pattern to break! After all, who doesn't want their parents to love them!!

Just as your parents have formed (for better or for worse) your thoughts and actions, so have ours!

This thread has been a Godsend for me and many others!
A place for support!
A place without judgment!

So I respectfully ask that if you have no experience with narcissism or no positive input, that you leave well enough alone.

Thank you in advance for your understanding!
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Jodi, GREAT NEWS ABOUT YOUR NM STAYING PUT IN HER ALF!!! You know why she's doing it, don't you? Because YOU had the chutzpah to tell her the truth! That you weren't gonna be her slave, and she HEARD you and thought Uh Oh, Now What? The rent reduction was the perfect excuse to stay put and save face. Doing the happy dance for you!!!!

Glad your spine is healing, too, and that you're able to sing!

It's not horrible to know our situations with the NMs won't last forever. The Catholic deacon who came into the MC I used to work at told me he prayed daily for his demented mother to pass. Death is a new beginning of a pain free existence for them, the end of their misery and a joyful new life. That's how I view death for the very elderly and sickly myself. Nothing to be ashamed of praying for.

You are kind to coach Riley/Rusty on being non judgemental.....she loves to lecture all of us here on AgingCare about what "fools" we all are for caring for demented or narcissistic elders. Her abrasive comments are everywhere, but particularly unwelcome here on our thread which is our safe place to vent and find support.
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Thanks Lea!!

And if someone can't grasp the concept that we are not fools, but in fact caring, nurturing and concerned children of narcissists parents (albeit through years of programming) so be it!!

I can only speak for myself, but being the daughter of a narcissistic mother has actually made me in many ways to be a driven woman!

Having said that, there is a lot of baggage that comes with it!

Driven to please everyone at my own expense!

Driven to make everything perfect, even myself (NOT POSSIBLE).

I realize all this now!! So now I am driven to make the most of what I have. And to be grateful for what I have!!

I am driven to not let someone else dictate what my life should be !

It's a process . Some days are better than others.
Sometimes I backslide into the old habits.

The brightside is that I am recognizing the difference!!

At this point I can't ask for anything more!

(((Hugs)))
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Xray,

Such good news about your mother staying put!

Such a relief when you are trying to heal your own self!

I have learned so much from all of you here on this thread!
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Thanks cx!!

I've learned a lot too from all these amazing human beings!!

I'm so grateful!!
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EP,

I'm truly proud of you for standing your ground!!

It's so painful when our siblings have NO CLUE what we're dealing with!!

(((Hugs)))
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Hi Jodi,

That is great news about your mom staying at the ALF, and also great news about your back healing and your voice!

As to my siblings, actually they do have a clue. They know how my mother is which is why they stay willfully uninvolved.

Yesterday I was talking to my DH and I mentioned to him that 2 years ago I remember having a tearful conversation with my sister telling her about my mom's neuro-psych eval & diagnosis, and I was already struggling hard with my mom who had been here for about 8 months at that point. I told her that I was really going to need *regular* breaks from my mom, and she promised "Oh, no problem".... Well it NEVER happened. So my husband says that when I talk to my sister (who knows when that will be) I should suggest that she take my mom for one week a month, every month.

We started to talk about it more, and I realized this is a very do-able thing. There is nothing that prevents this except my sister not wanting to put up with my mom. Her house is huge. There is more space between her guest room and main house than between my condo and my mom's condo.

I started picturing me suggesting this to both my sister and my mom. Both will not agree. Both are satisfied with the current set up. I can't force anything, but this will be the lead in to me telling them I can't do this anymore. I thought then I'll present option B- that we all work together to get my mom moved to a MC ALF.

So then last night DH and I were watching a movie and my sister texts my DH. She asked if he could make some time to talk to her, privately, because "I am really worried about my sister".

He has not responded yet, and won't be having any "private" convos about my mental state with my now gas-lighting sister. She's not worried about ME, she is irritated that I am not cooperating with her Easter weekend plans.
He'll respond to her but I know my DH and he will be very cut and dry and present a united front. It will be interesting to see how she responds when his suggestion to the problem is for her to take my mom for a week every month until she goes to MC.

Awhile back, I said I was going to give this a year and re-evaluate. I don't think I can make it that long. I'm sure this melanoma problem is affecting me greatly right now, but I'm just ready to throw in the towel. Unhealthy levels of depression have been going on for too long and things can't wait a year to change.
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EP: GREAT plan for your gaslighting sister to take NM for a week every month and for DH to text her as much!!!! Better yet, NM should move IN with gaslighting sissy entirely as soon as possible and problem solved! Wouldn't THAT be wonderful? :)
One can entertain wishful thinking, right?
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EP,

If your sister is truly worried about you, then she should be willing to take some of the pressure off of you!!

Perhaps your DH will tell her as much!

I haven't been through half as much as you, however, I realized that I needed help!

I started seeing a therapist and started Cymbalta. It's made a world of difference!!

EP, you do have options! Maybe painful, but options nonetheless!

Please take care of yourself!!

We're ALL here for you!!
You're not alone!!😘
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Piper, it is good that your DH is fully aware of the games your sister is playing. It is amazing how these people will try every trick in the book to get things their way. Keep to that united front!

Jodi, you are sounding so much more positive these days - I’m so glad the therapy and medication are helping you.

Mother has her second covid jab on Saturday. Something to be thankful and grateful for, you would think? Instead, she is fussing about the need for me to pick up Easter eggs she has bought (part of satisfying her shopaholic tendencies) as they are taking up too much room in her place. I have visions of her eventually having so much shopping in there that she won’t be able to move. But hey, these days that’s her problem, not mine. During her rant there was no consideration of how my MIL is getting on in the hospice - it didn’t cross her mind to even ask. For the record, MIL is still hanging on but heavily medicated now. My DH managed to speak to her on the phone last night and said she sounded groggy and out of it. A couple of times he thought she’d fallen asleep mid sentence before waking again and carrying on. I’m worried about her, but thankfully she is not in pain.

Just wondering, do you guys in the US/Canada have to pay for your covid jabs? For us, they are free, as part of our wonderful free National Health Service.
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Chris I'm glad your MIL is not in pain. Hospice is wonderful for end of life care. I'm also glad your DH has been able to have his moments with her, and can see that she is comfortable. I'm sure you are both grieving though, so please be extra kind to yourselves. Sending a hug to both of you.

Your mother not even asking about your MIL is so typical of these narcs. SMH. Also why do YOU have to pick up the Easter Eggs? Chris I am so glad she is out of your house. Just tell her no, deal with her own Easter Eggs.

My mom had her second covid jab about a week or so ago, and myself and DH get our second one April 5 & 6. The vaccines in the US are free. Have you been able to get one yet? Hopefully your mom can/will socialize more at the facility once she is clear from the second dose. Here in the US the roll out was initially slow due to supply, but now it's moving faster.

Lea, you know what's kind of funny about the suggestion that my mom move in with my sister, I mean she has the big mansion like house, is it occurred to me if I throw in the towel, my sister will be the next target, and she knows it. My loser brother would be the last option, if at all. Now there is NO way my sister would ever allow my mom to move in, but if I remove myself from the picture it would force HER to help my mom get into facility care. In Texas.

My sister's text to my husband if truthful should have said "I'm really worried about my sister walking away from this and then I'll be stuck dealing with our mother".

It will be interesting to see how this plays out.
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Chris,

Hospice will take good care of your mother in law.

It’s an emotional time, isn’t it?

As you know, I am going through it too right now.

I take great comfort in knowing that my mom is being cared for by hospice.

As a matter of fact I am leaving shortly to visit mom. I have to rotate visits with siblings because only two people are allowed in her room.

Take care.
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EP: Your post reminds me of my grandmother. She lived with us for 25 years, my mother & she did not get along at ALL (to put it mildly). After 25 years, my mother said ENOUGH and sent gma off to Colo. to live with one of her sisters (2 sisters lived here at the time). Neither sister wanted to deal with gma, after taking turns, so they placed her in a SNF after applying for Medicaid. Moral of the story? Gma became the SISTER'S problem after she lived with my family for a long time. The sister's handled it the way THEY wanted to, and that's that. Perhaps it's YOUR sister and brother's turn to deal with THEIR mother now? If she winds up getting placed in Tx, so be it. When you've had ENOUGH, then you'll hold up the white flag, too, like my mother did. I'm only sorry it took her 25 years to do it!!!!!!!! So many lives were wrecked in that 25 year period.

I had my first jab yesterday (DH had to wait b/c he'll be having ablation surgery soon) and it was free. I feel out of sorts today though, and my arm is very achy (which I was fully expecting) with the Moderna shot. 2nd one on April 20th. Just want the things over with now.

Chris, that's rich.........Easter eggs 'taking up too much room' in your mother's place? Unless she's ordered 100 dozen, I just don't see that, personally. I DO see more manipulation tactics, of course. Sad but typical that she didn't ask about your MIL. What narc ever asks after another person? It's the mememememememe syndrome 24/7. Sending prayers for your dear MIL that she does not experience any pain, worry or agitation now that hospice is involved.

NHWM, sending you a hug and a prayer for peace while visiting your mom in hospice today.

We are going to an appt for DH at 2 pm today with the interventional radiologist about an ablation he will perform for his liver tumor. One shot of chemo will be injected directly into the site, and he's calling the procedure 'one & done' and I pray to God he's right. The IR has a very optimistic outlook on the whole cancer matter here, so WE are optimistic too.
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Thanks, Lea.

Wishing you and hubby all the best too.

Am continuing to pray for all of you.

We got great news about my hubby. His lab results showed his PSA levels are no longer elevated. Looks like the radiation was successful in treating his prostate cancer. He only has his hormone therapy left to do, plus testing. After that, continual monitoring but I hope the worst is behind him.

Everyone will be looking forward to hearing good news about a positive outcome for your husband.

Your grandson is waiting for lots of big hugs from each of you!
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GREAT NEWS NHWM! My dad's prostate cancer was successfully treated with radiation 20+ years before he passed, never to be an issue in his life again, thankfully.

We met our grandson last Thursday and it was wonderful! He was fussing and crying, I held him, he smiled up at me, and fell asleep in my arms while I rocked him.........for 90 minutes!! It was bliss! LOL. Can't wait to see him again and hold him.
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Lea sending many prayers and hugs that the one and done goes smoothly and DH will be in the clear and on the mend very soon. That is the MAIN thing 💜

In a way your mom having your gma for 25 years is pretty amazing given the low tolerance narcs have for not getting their way. I wonder why she did it for so long? It’s really unfortunate everyone suffered because of your mom’s bad choice.
I can’t even fathom 25 years. No way. I can’t even manage 3.

There is a a lot of talk on this forum about how you can’t force siblings to help, and that’s true. But I am going to pressure my sister when we eventually talk. I’m going to give her the chance to step up and help me, or she can own the whole thing. When I throw up the white flag it won’t be me pressuring my sister anymore, it will be my mother. I’ll be posting pics on Facebook from my latest vacation.
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Lea,

There is nothing like new life in this world to bring a smile to our face, right? Babies are precious!

The news about your dad brings me hope. It’s treatable when caught early enough.
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NeedHelp, I'd like to echo what Lea said about her dad. My dad was diagnosed with prostate cancer in his 60s. It was treated successfully with radiation therapy and a low dose drug regime. It really wasn't a problem for him as he got older. Hope the hospice visit went OK today. We too have restrictions on visitors: only 1 person each day. Today my nephew went to see my MIL.
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The visit with the interventional radiologist today was GOOD! No blast of chemo needed for DH! The tumor is CURABLE is what he said. They'll go in through the skin, ablate the thing with a microwaveable something-or-other led by ultrasound, and that's IT. It may grow back, it may not. But once it's gone, it's considered CURED; they key was it was caught SO EARLY, and the only reason was b/c he was having a pain radiating up into his shoulder for about 10 days. I told him CALL THE DOC and he did. Then the pain went away totally. If he didn't call the doctor, this would never have been found!

I think we both breathed a huge sigh of relief in the office. His scheduler will be calling w/i the next 3 days to schedule the surgical procedure in the hospital, which probably will not require general anesthesia, just IV sedation. May have to stay overnight, depends on how much pain he's in afterward. They are hopeful to schedule this for late next WEEK, and we'll reschedule the endoscopy and colonoscopy.

We've been through a lot the past year, even since 2019 when he fell off the back of a truck *passed out* and it turned out he needed a pacemaker. That was July 4th and it's been one thing after another, all very stressful. I'm really hoping we're past the worst of it now and onto happier times, God willing.
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Great new, Lea! That and your new grandson! So much joy!

Happy for you on both accounts!
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I just got home from visiting my mom. She’s in good spirits. She’s comfortable with being there. It was a nice visit.

Lea, that is fantastic news! I am so happy for you and your hubby!

My husband found out about his cancer because he went to the doctor for shingles. When he went for a follow up visit they did labs and that is when they sent him for a biopsy.

Same as your husband, he caught it early and that makes all the difference in the world!
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