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Thanks, Chris.

It’s good to have validation of what Lea said. Apparently, prostate cancer is the most common cancer in men.

Yes, with restrictions we do have to rotate visits.

My brother had been in the morning so I was able to go in the afternoon.

The staff are incredibly kind to my mom. I thank them during each visit for their warmth.
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Lea I am so, so very happy for you 😊
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NHWM & Lea,

Awesome news!!!😘

EP, you sound as though you have a good handle mentally on things!
I know how hard it is to put into practice, but stand your ground!!
You're health is paramount!!

(((Hugs)))
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Lealonnie that is fantastic news about your DH!!! I am so happy for you!! Needhelpwithmom, I’m so glad your visit with your mom went well. It is an emotional time for you right now. Hang in there. Hugs going out to both you and Lealonnie!
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Great news, lealonnie! Wishing both you and your DH peace, joy and health. So glad things are looking up for you both.
Oh so precious about your grandson. Congratulations!
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Got a call from DH's surgeon's office that he could come in today, so we are going at 2:00. His surgery will be scheduled in the next week or two.

About an hour later I got a call from my sister and a VM that said to call her back it was very important. So I called back and she gave me the news that my brother has stage 5 prostate cancer. She sent me the report and it's bad. Gleason of 9 and poorly differentiated with evidence of spread. This all just came out this morning. My brother hasn't talked to the doctor yet, but was able to access the report from the patient portal. My sister was crying, and we did not talk about my mom at all.

I know what this means, and it's not good. I called my brother to offer support and I was surprised that he seems to be taking it better than I would have thought. Maybe he is in shock. The only thing we said about my mom is he is not going to tell her how bad it is. My mom knew he was having some tests, but she knows a guy who had it for 30 years and died from something else, so he's going to let her think it's like that. The truth is, it's not.

God I feel so guilty for calling him a loser the other day and ripping on my siblings so hard. My mom's dementia has taken a huge toll on my relationship with my siblings as you all well know, but there was some kind of shift this morning. I am not going to let my brother go through this alone. My estrangement from him is over, it has to be.

I have no idea what the future holds, but I am so overwhelmed and I can not afford to be. I gotta keep it together.
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Oh Piper, it's one thing after another for you at the moment. Do what you need to do with your brother and leave any guilt out of it. Love, kindness and compassion amongst and between all of you are what matter now. Sending love and support.
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Piper,

I am so sorry that you are struggling with all of this.

Will keep you and your family in my prayers.

I’m glad that your husband’s surgery is scheduled. Hoping for a positive outcome.

Take care.
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EP, thoughts and prayers for your brother.
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EP UGH. 2021 is making 2020 look like a day in the park, isn't it? I'm so sorry for this awful news your brother was given. Everything else takes a backseat to lifechanging news like this, and siblings reaffirm their love for one another during such a crisis. You'll all get through this, together. Good idea not giving your mother the true depth of the news.......no point in it at all. Sending you a big hug and many prayers for everything to work out.

DH has been scheduled for Weds 3/31 for his ablation procedure; in at 2 pm, out the next day, with God's help.
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Piper,
Praying for your brother and your family right now. Along with Lea's husband.

Hugs to you both.
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Piper, I am so sorry to hear about your brother. Sending prayers to you and your brother. Hugs to you piper. You have nothing to feel guilty about. You are a loving and compassionate person.
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Lealonnie, prayers going out to your DH on his procedure. He is so lucky to have you for his support!
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Piper,
I’m so sorry you are going through this. Make time to rest so you don’t get burned out. Solid boundaries will be to your advantage. Prayers are being sent for strength.
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EP,

I'm so sorry!! If there is any positive in this situation, it's that you can love on your brother as he faces treatment! Time to mend fences.

Lea,

Great news about DH's upcoming ablation!!

3 years ago today, my brother committed suicide.
It still hurts, but I've come to terms with it.
I made the mistake of calling my NM to see how she was doing.
"I'm fine", then she proceeded to go thru her latest list of complaints.
I told her that I have been nauseous all day. Her response was "Well I'm nauseous everyday from my medication. "
I tried to change the subject and told her that my next colonoscopy is on April 6th and that I wasn't looking forward to yet another Covid swab up my nose.
Her response "Well this place has swabbed my nose everyday for the last year."

Have any of your LO's in ALF been tested everyday???
It makes no sense!!
And it's the first time she's said anything about that!!

I ask, because I wondering if this is true or a sick narcissistic attempt to one up me! UGH!!!
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XRay,

I’m so sorry about your brother. So sorry.

I doubt that your mom is being tested that often. My insurance doesn’t pay unless there are symptoms. I can’t imagine that Medicare would cover a test without a good reason.

My daughter teaches at a college. They are tested weekly. Every day, without symptoms, seems excessive, and a bit invasive.
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cx,

Right??

I really want to ask the ALF, but the last thing I want to do is rock the boat since Mom has decided to stay put.

It's just so damn hard to understand how a narcissist can tell a bold face lie just to one up us!!🤯
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Jodi....mom has been tested 2x a week for Covid in her ALF. Never daily, NEVER. Now they've eased up. Your NM is likely lying like a rug, like mine does, what else is new? When my cousin called to tell her that her son is DYING at 45 from cancer of the brain, my NM said OH JUST LIKE ME. Yeah,,,no matter WHAT anyone has, THESE women have it too, but 100x worse. What a joke
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Lea,

Ain't that the truth!! Lol
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Jodi, I'm sorry to hear you lost your brother in such a dreadful way 3 yrs ago. Hugs to you.

Here with Kaiser, they don't shove the swab way up the nose when testing for covid.....just gently into the nasal cavity and swirl it around a bit. It's nothing.....not uncomfortable in the least. They said they learned last summer it was not necessary to go deeply into the nostrils to test, as originally thought, so that method was tossed out, thankfully.

Yesterday the memory care called, mom was throwing up a lot. Tonight they called, she fell AGAIN. 69x she's up to now, still no injuries! She sits on the edge of the wheelchair and the recliner, then can't stop herself from sliding off. I'd like to get physical therapy for her AGAIN but she won't do the work or the exercises! She has lost all muscle strength. Claims the Chicos knit pants are too slippery, so the nurse took them away from her and I ran out to the store and bought her new pants. Guess What? She found ANOTHER pair of Chicos in the closet, put them on, and fell again! I had a talk with the nurse about going thru her closet again to find any others hiding out, and I'll make another trip to the store for more "non slippery" pants for her. So far, the floor is slippery, the socks are slippery, the shower is slippery even with shower shoes and a new non slip mat, the shoes are slippery, the sheets are slippery and the CHUCKS on the bed are slippery. They've taken to putting a blanket under her body in bed and changing her Depends there to avoid more falls. 🤐
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Lea, EP, STILL and so many other ,

I almost feel bad for complaining.

So many of you are going thru a literal nightmare!!
You all amaze me everyday with your strength and determination!!

I realize that I am relatively new at this. 18 months for my Aunt and 14 months for Mom.

I also realize that stress is relative.

So for the benefit of someone who may be reading our thread, but is afraid to post, we ALL start off with the best of intentions!
And as our LO's age and their decease progresses the situation changes. The stress morphs! You can reference what you read here down the road. So much knowledge, advice and support
So please ask or vent away!!
This thread is a place for acceptance and advice!
No question or vent is to small or unimportant!!

(((Hugs)))
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Jodi, you’re right, we’re all human and are generally trying to do the right thing. Reading about others’ experiences has really helped me to understand what I’m feeling under similar circumstances, and writing about those circumstances is a form of therapy I think.

I took my mother for her second Covid jab this morning. Before I went I was pretty much indifferent about it. I want her to get jabbed and be protected but it’s just a duty for me and another transaction for her. It’s amazing though that in the short time we spent together driving to and from the medical centre, I was again struck by her toxic behaviour. She was waiting outside for me when I turned up at her place, and because I’d driven in my husband’s car and not mine, she was rolling her eyes, frowning and complaining to the cook who had just turned up at the same time. Goodness knows what she thought. I thought, “Why not be positive as you are just going for a free and potentially life saving treatment?” As soon as she got in the car she was fussing about me being in the “wrong car” and then made a big deal of not being able to fasten the seat belt as she wasn’t used to the car, which is nonsense as she has been in the car many times before. I told her my husband had taken my car to pick our son up from Uni. You would have thought that would be cause for celebration, but no, she was just not interested. On the approach to the medical centre she suddenly switched tack and started complaining that she hadn’t had a birthday card from a distant relative, and put that down to her being insanely jealous as she had previously told her our son had got in to Oxford Uni! Such poison! I said “She might be dead for all we know, so why not phone her and see if she’s ok?” My mother pulled a face and said nothing. Once again she didn’t think to ask how my terminally ill MIL is. Also, it’s my birthday next week but that wasn’t mentioned either. After I’d dropped her back at her place, I drove home feeling deflated. At least I’m managing to not get angry about this behaviour any more, but she is such an empty and unloving person. I don’t think she’s unhappy as she seems quite content to do her own thing every day, but I think her head is full of poisonous thoughts, and it’s quite depressing for others to be around people like this. I’ve read so many posts from others who get this same kind of behaviour, and it is reassuring to know I’m not alone.
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Chris,

EXACTLY!!!

Amen!!
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I remind myself that there is nothing I can say or do that will change her behavior. Then I get ice cream!

Whenever Mom would complain about n
my siblings not visiting or calling I would remind her "well, you raised them so it must be your fault." That would shut her up.
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Frances,

Welcome!!

You raise a GREAT point!
Even when they complain about us, we can say "Well you raised me." I love it!!

You're right!! Ice cream makes everything better!!
So does bacon!! Lol
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Jodi,

I second your thoughts on ice cream and bacon 🥓 🍨.
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Hey Frances, love your ice cream motto!

Today at the window visit with my NM, she was in THE worst mood I've EVER seen her in! I gave her a beautifully framed photo of her first GREAT GRANDCHILD and guess what she said?

"I don't care if I get to see him or not. If it wasn't for your father, I would have had children of my OWN and grandchildren of my OWN."

I was adopted, so that's where those toxic and horribly nasty words come from; she blames her DH of 68 years for 'ruining her chance at motherhood' along with ruining her life in general.

I was gobsmacked when she said that, although she HAS told me many many times over the years that I was NOT what she wanted; she wanted her OWN child, not someone else's throwaway.

So I said to her, "Mom, you DO have a child of your own, ME, and 2 grandchildren S & J, and now a GREAT GRANDCHILD B, not to mention all the others from my DH" (who she also does not consider 'hers') She said NOTHING to that statement, sheer silence.

I turned around, rang the bell to the MC lobby, and called the CG to come get the woman and bring her back to her room so we could leave.

For those who think "Oh it's just the dementia and she can't help it", that's BS............she was in a FOUL MOOD and knew EXACTLY what she was saying and doing during that rancid visit; trying to be MEAN AS A SNAKE. She also threw in her usual comment about "I will be dying soon, very soon now" which is her way of trying to induce guilt.

And how was YOUR Sunday Ladies?
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Lea,

I am so sorry that your mom said that to you. How awful!

I can’t imagine saying that to my child. We adopted our first daughter. I gave birth to our second daughter. My love for each of them is identical. I could never ever feel the way your mom does. She owes you an apology. She should have been thrilled to see a photo of the baby!

I don’t understand how your mom could ever think such a thing let alone say it to you!
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Lea 😞
Your NM seems stuck in regret & bitterness. Has chosen to taking out her frustrations on those closest. She is incredibly lucky you see her at all.

Stage 8 of Human Development is Integrity vs Despair. Some look back with happiness but for those who look back on life with bitterness and regret, feelings of despair may result.

This stage can be from 65 until death. So unless she can work this out (with a therapist) she may remain this way. This will be her problem.

I am so sorry you have to deal with this being thrown at you. I know you have worked on having amazing boundaries & this inspires us all.
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Lea,

I’m so sorry this happened to you. Heartbreaking. Awful. Uncalled-for. Insane.

“It’s the dementia talking” STILL doesn’t work for me. I can handle other peoples’ crazy. Stuff coming from one’s mother is a whole different category of hurt. I TRY the Gray Rock technique. I really do. My rock has holes that go all the way down to my heart. No matter what I read, how I pray. It all still hurts.

I’m glad you got out of there. You did the right thing for your own sanity.
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