Today I had my first appointment with an actual therapist (not a counselor).
Even though one hour wasn't long enough to spew out everything I need to talk about, this woman completely picked up on 2 truly major points.
1) Even ONE of the stressors I have been dealing with over the last year is more than enough to warrant therapy!
2) I have been the "caregiver " for everyone in my family since I was 12 years old!
She asked me what I do for myself?
I had absolutely no answer!!
Hence therapy!! Lol
Caring for a narcissistic LO is a labor of love!
Not because they will love us back, but because we need to love ourselves!!
How do you keep caring selflessly for your selfish LO?
What do you do for yourself?
(((Hugs)))
Very happy about your brother.
Will keep your family in my prayers and thoughts.
Right?? Everything is a competition!
I have NO doubt, if she could figure out how to contract colon cancer, she would!
I made the mistake of telling her that I have a colonoscopy next Tuesday and I am kinda scared, because I am having symptoms again!
Her response, was to talk about her breast cancer. She seems to have forgotten that I was the one that was with her EVERY STINKING STEP OF THE WAY!!
I didn't expect a warm fuzzy! I know better now. I guess that little girl still longing for her Mom, was simply looking for something resembling compassion or concern!
My bad!!
Sorry to be Debbie downer.
I'm just tired, frustrated and scared!
The up side is that right now, I still have my pooper and my hair!!🙄
Yes Beatty ,
I have seen it!
"Am I the only one in this family who is crazy?" Lol
You’re not a Debbie Downer. These things get to us. It gets old and becomes really difficult to tolerate.
NHWM, we haven't had Easter for 2 years now; I used to order Qdoba Mexican and DH would go pick it up, everyone would come over & I'd set up a margarita bar, go pick up a Tres Leche cake *authentic* made by a local family, and we'd have tacos. Covid ruined that last year AND this year.
DH is going tomorrow for his first jab; I had mine about 10 days ago & felt like crap for a few days. Second one is April 20th. Now the MC is allowing in room visits and hugging, etc!!! Since these jabs are NOT stopping the virus entirely, (outbreaks are being reported), I would not be surprised to see the MC have their FIRST real outbreak here soon. They are not requiring visitors to be vaccinated, so it's just a matter of time methinks. I'm sure my NM will be fine, though. She's the Energizer Bunny, that one.
Your Easter celebrations (Mexican style) sound fantastic!
Yes, we put all things behind us when it is becomes an issue or no longer feasible.
My mom’s hospice house requires masks but only two people in the room at the time. Temp is taken upon arrival.
No one is allowed to lounge in any common areas. They have a patio outside though to relax if desired.
They don’t require visitors to be vaccinated. This place is very small, only three beds. The nurse told me with just one more resident they would have to follow more rigid rules.
So glad that you and hubby will have you vaccinations behind you soon!
Thank you for your support and kindness!!
I try so hard not dwell on the what ifs, but as I am sure you know, it's not always easy!!
It truly is comical (for lack of a better term), that our narcissistic parents can't even give up just a little sympathy for what could be a terminal disease for one of their children!
My Aunt, who was the wife of my Mom's brother(now deceased), had a major stroke.
My Mom is so consumed with making sure she's ok!
It makes me sick to know that she is putting on this front to that side of the family simply to make her look better!
So concerned! So caring !
At least I see through what this is!! Look at me!! See how good I am for making a phone call!!
I guess I still have a lot of work and healing to do before I just do give a rats a$$!
I'm so grateful for all of you and your incredible insight!!
You're ALL a God Send!!
Welcome!!
It's NOT your fault!!!
You're NOT alone!!
There are so many of us here on this thread that completely understand how you feel!!
I will give you the advice that I have given many times before.
Do as much research on narcissism as you can! You Tube is a great resource!
I recommend the book "Will I ever be good enough " by Karyl McBride!
I'm not gonna tell you it gets easier!
I will tell you that it get easier to understand once you know what you're dealing with!
That gives you knowledge!
Knowledge is power!!
(((Hugs)))
My mother blamed my poor father for all of her misery in life.....him and me. When dad was on his deathbed, he apologized for being a FAILURE of a human being in life! I was livid! I told him that wasn't true at all, but he insisted it was. My mother, his horrible wife of 68 years, had convinced him he was a POS of a worthless life and he died believing that. He was a kind and gentle man who deserved so so much more, and so do WE. Our mother's have all of us convinced we are terrible people and worthy of guilt and misery and that is a LIE. Don't believe it for a minute!
if you had about narc parents time to let them flop around like a fish out of water. Just walk away
why would the narc want care from (.... insert any foul name or accusation that came from their mouth there here) , get care from
someone like that?
I had parents whos narcissistic behaviors dominated their personality.
Those weirdos gave me all the ammo I’ll ever need to get out of changing their diaper. Of course I’d never talk to my son they way my parents talked to me. As a parent I look at my son & remember being his age, then I’ll think as if I’m talking my parents WTF were you thinking?
“Nobody ever gave me nothin, or gave me anything for free”
well, even though this isn’t true both sets of grandparents bailed out our family from tough times, this statement is incredibly convenient ...
“You can’t ask for help now after a lifetime of self made success?”
my mom who wasn’t mean like my dad was uninterested in me, I wouldn’t do as she commanded. Example; when I asked for some school & sports things because what was provided was inadequate
“when the going gets tough the tough get going”
another instance of me asking for schools supplies
“when there’s a will there’s a way”
these are beautiful, universal & best of all come full circle.
my computer is ... the repair shop is expensive .... can’t figure out ...
”when there’s a will there’s a way”
”when the going gets tough ...”
I was smiling so big it hurt my cheeks.
when my son asked for some items that are school related I buy him what he needs.
Even now in his early 20’s I like to make sure he has the things he needs & a few things he wants ... he’s only young once & id rather part ways with a few $20 than be unsupportive & stingy.
Welcome to the conversation!😏
Xray,
It seems all NMs are ALWAYS in competition with us (daughters)...it is very sad that they can NEVER see past themselves. If you have something, they have it worst...if you did a good job at something, they did it better...if you bought something, well you guessed it they have it too and got a better deal! It never ends.
We all have that little girl in us that needs & wants a mom's love, but we have to be the one to give our little girl within that love & compassion. How? Remind yourself that God loves us. He loves you more than you could ever know. You belong to Him. You just keep telling yourself that...we all love you here! Hugs!! 💝💞💗
Azaria,
Welcome to the forum. It really is like what Lea stated "We are programmed to made to feel like everything is our fault, but it's not. So, how to we stop believing these lies? We start by following them through. Example, NM has no friends or family to visit with because 'she pushed them away.' NM tells you it's your fault! Your to blame because no one visits! Now follow that through by asking yourself these questions: 1) Did you tell these friends & family to stop visiting? No! Did you offen them in some way? No! Did you act like a a$$ to them? No! Did you really have anything to do with your NM and friends/family relationship? No! So how can it be your fault? It can't be!
We all need to reprogram our brains! And learn that 'Our feelings' are just that 'Feelings!' The way we feel doesn't make it true or not true! Our thoughts can override our feeling...it just takes time and a lot of practice. Our brains can be rewired. With that you can learn to love yourself too! Look into the mirror and say out loud "I am worth love." Then say, "All the good things that you have done." Even if you have to start with little things! Example, I made a good dinner. I am a good person. I did a good job at and you fill in the blank. You get the point! You are worth love. We all are! We just need to purge all the lies out of our heads!! I hope this helps you! Hugs!!💕💞
Lea,
That is so sad about your dad dying thinking he was a failure. That just broke my heart! Your dad was strong, brave, and successful!! He had to be to be married to your NM for 68 yrs. He's in Heaven with lots of rewards because he put up a good fight and held on for 68 yrs to someone who was not just hard to get along with, but with someone who was down right evil. At least now he has peace!! Hugs!!💕💜
We need to love OURSELVES!! We are all worthy!
Great to see you back !
You're so right! It's always about competition!
Our NMs always have to "one up" us.
I remember the day that my mother told me that she was jealous of me. I was 16!!
Of course I didn't understand it at the time! I completely get it now!!
And it only took me 40 years. Lol
One of the other days that sticks out to me is when my Mom came to our church and heard me sing.
She told our worship leader that she taught me everything I know!
God forbid I actually have talent that I have worked hard on and have honed on my own!
I think I have reached the point that I am just fed up with the drama she creates and thrives on!
Like an emotional Vampire, she feeds on it.
This may sound horrible, but I have come to believe that I am beyond what my NM does.
When I do something to help someone, it's because I truly and whole heartedly want to help.
I don't have any expectations!
I don't do it to earn love or gratitude!
I do it because it's simply what friends and neighbors do!
And that alone makes me happy!
My greatest Joy's have come from the kindnesses I have been able to extend to others. And the kindnesses I have received most gratefully in return 😘
I specifically did not call mother today on Easter because, well frankly I didn't want to. It's not a big holiday for me and DH and I had a lot of yard work to do, so we did it - the weather was absolutely perfect. I'm sure mother felt sorry for herself we didn't invite her over or suggest a meal, but she has other people she can call. This is something I'm going to remind myself over and over - I am not her entertainment or caretaking committee.
Piper: "Has anyone else ever said "I need a break from you! A long one!".... if so what kind of response did you get?"
Man oh man don't I wish I could say this to my mother. But there's no way she would hear it, and it would instantly turn into how everything is my fault and she herself is the picture of perfection. I'm realizing the thing that's been hardest for me is how negative she is: Everywhere I go I'll be carjacked and robbed; if I got to the doctor it's automatically cancer, that kind of thing. DH think it's an anxiety disorder. But any time I try to say anything about it I hear how lucky I am that she cares about me and essentially how stupid I am not also to worry about these things. I'm just.... tired. Tired enough to take a long break whether she wants that or not, tho I'm sure she's sitting over there stewing about how much she thinks I'm going to miss her when she's gone. (Not as much as she thinks.) Glad to hear your brother's situation isn't nearly as bad as feared, btw. Enjoy your break!
Lea: "NM called here last night in a FOUL mood saying she's trying to get a hold of "the family" to come get her, but nobody wants her....Enough is enough. I can move her into the SNF in June since she's so miserable in MC but that's all I can do, I'm not a magician. Ten years of this and I'm tired." I get so tired of the self absorption. Like we're not individuals with our own needs and desires, just resources to be exploited. One reason I'm not talking much to my mom is I know this will come out of my mouth and I know there's no way she's going to hear it without it all turning into World War 3 level drama and I just don't have the energy for that right now.
xray: "I made the mistake of telling her that I have a colonoscopy next Tuesday and I am kinda scared, because I am having symptoms again!
Her response, was to talk about her breast cancer.... I know better now. I guess that little girl still longing for her Mom, was simply looking for something resembling compassion or concern! My bad!!"
Pshew, I hear you on this one too. I was so depressed I honestly wished I would die for most of January and February, long story to do with SAD and DH's lost job and being sick of isolation and covid. Sure wish I had my mom of even 10 years ago who was capable of understanding someone else has problems and feelings, but that person is gone.
Welcome to the new conversation participants! You're among friends here.
My mom's been at my sister's since last Friday eve. Time is moving so strange for me at the moment, but I can't get over the weight that feels lifted off of me with my mom not being here. I am still very anxious about DH's upcoming surgery and my brother's cancer journey, but not having her here is like day and night.
It scares me because I know she's coming back, soon, so this break will be short lived. I realize how burned out I really am. My sister took my mom to Best Buy to get a new laptop. Her old one was ancient and a constant problem, but I couldn't bring myself to help her get a new one. In part because we fight about the way she does her bills and that's all she uses a laptop for, but if I'm honest it's 90% because I have compassion fatigue. Just my sister telling me how my mom was with the Best Buy employees (difficult as usual)- she was laughing about it meanwhile it wasn't funny to me. It's the reason I hate going places with her and have stopped doing anything I can avoid. My sister had more energy for my mother on Saturday than I've had in a month. Compassion fatigue is real and not good for anyone.
I told my sister that when DH is past his surgery and things calm down that I really want to talk to her, (and my brother) about my mom and the things that need to be addressed like companion services- actually my mom AND me, because this continual burn out can not go on indefinitely, or even much longer. I am not okay.
I think my sister gets it. Since my brother is now battling serious cancer he gets a 100% pass from me, but I think I can count on my sister to be supportive and helpful with talking to my mom about her future. Part of that will be getting my mother to understand that I will NOT be doing any more care, and if she wants to continue to live "independently" then she has to accept paid help or start looking at living arrangements that don't involve me. I don't want to be the only one saying this to my mother, I think if she sees a united front with her kids, then she will be less likely to rage on me, which has started to be her pattern and I'm sick of it.
You hit the nail on the head!
We're not supposed to be individuals!
We're supposed to be compliant and pleasing!
We're not supposed to be free thinkers with our own opinions!
We're supposed to think about our narcissistic parents first and foremost!
We're not supposed to be happy!
We're supposed to do everything we can to make THEM happy!
The irony is that nothing has or ever will make them happy!
It's kinda like being on a treadmill.
You can run as hard as you can, but you never get anywhere!🤯
EP,
I pray you can get some rest while Mom's away!!
You're in my thoughts and prayers!
((((Hugs))))
I thought about your UTI story with your mom yesterday, just narcs being narcs. Here's mine- At my house DH and I stopped setting the table for dinner a long time ago. He likes to eat in front of the TV or we use our breakfast bar counter. It's just easier that way and works perfect for us. My mom likes to set a fancy table and do the traditional thing. (with her being the center of attention).
She tried to force me to conform to her way when she moved here, but I wouldn't do it. She comes over here to eat a lot and she always sits with me at the bar to eat. There is plenty of room. Trust me when I say it's perfectly fine and nice. She still pouts somewhat that I don't set our dining room table like the queen of England came to dinner.
Yesterday she texted me a picture of my sister's perfectly set dining room table, no words, just the pic LOL
"No, mom, you should stay there. You enjoy the way Sissie does stuff so much. I'm such a slob. Really, no need to come back."
The sad reality with narcs is ultimately they reap what they sow. Rather than us wanting to be around them in old age, when they face things like isolation and loneliness, we just want to get away from them. So they get way less time and attention.
You are right in that being away from my mom has given me some clarity. More clarity that things need to change. I'm also glad you noticed that I've made some progress in trying to figure this out. It's been really hard, and taken me many months to just to realize I do have some choices here.
I at least know I have an end point. Sometimes when I read posts here in the main forum of what people are doing at home I get horrified. I don't know how they do it. I've accepted that I am not cut out for it and I've forgiven myself for it. My only goal is to get her moved into ALF MC as soon as I can. There is still a lot to do, and other priorities (my DH and his health), but I'm relieved to have my sister involved again.
Also, I haven't been journaling, but I did start a running document where I have been saving insightful advice I get here and using it as a road map. Not surprisingly I have a lot of posts from this thread in there! This group has helped me so much and I am so thankful for all of you.
Congratulations!! Maybe now you can breathe!!
I honestly don't know how you did it!!
I think I would loose my mind if my Mom was in my home!!
EP,
Thank you for your kind words!!
I'll keep you posted!
Today is prep day. UGH!!
At least it's a great day to stay in.
Yesterday was 70 degrees and sunny!! Today it's cold and snowy!
Spring time in the Rockies!!🤪
I don’t know if this is how you feel or not. It is how I used to feel.
Of course, I was tired physically when I was caring for my mom in my home or even before that after daddy died and she was still home. It’s hard to be the one that everyone expects you to do EVERYTHING!
When others help your mom, they will soon see what you went through.
I was emotionally exhausted from knowing that mom was fully dependent on me. I think in some ways that was more exhausting than the physical exhaustion. Does that make any sense?
Don’t you feel like you are completely worn out? You know, where you never feel refreshed because you have lived with being drained.
Did anyone else feel like I am describing?
Chris,
I hear a lot of wisdom in what you just wrote. I really do. I had to crawl my way out of the guilt cycle! It didn’t come easily for me. Thank goodness for my husband, this forum and my therapist!
Jodi,
My daughter is loving the Rockies. She seems very happy in Denver.
She has sent me a ton of pictures of her Husky playing in the snow. He’s a beautiful dog!
I'm glad you are having this much needed BREAK from your NM; it's really the only way to FEEL what it's like NOT to be entrenched in the nightmare 24/7. It's like I tell my DD all the time: you have to experience what you DO NOT want to know what you DO want in life. Right?
Jodi, sending 1000 prayers up for a good outcome to your colonoscopy tomorrow.
Shell, always great to hear your words of wisdom around here!
Chris, OMG your story about moving your NMs crap? My DH & I went thru this scenario SO MANY times, I could write a book! Same thing, too..........with NM holding court and directing our every move. Each time, DH would demand she be REMOVED from the scene entirely so we could get something ACCOMPLISHED w/o her getting in the middle of things & wreaking havoc! And again, the stories are ALL the same, aren't they? :(
Just got The Call from the MC; mom fell AGAIN this morning; this makes fall #70. No injury, of course; she was bending over yet again to put her shoes on and fell off the bed. By the time the bed alarm goes off, she's already on the floor. She will not pull the cord to ask for help, so there you have it. If the CG goes in to help her dress, she's 'not ready yet', and blah blah. When I told the nurse how SHOCKED I was at her decline yesterday during our visit, she said how glad she was that my mother recognized her today after a 2 week absence. Way to put an upbeat note on a negative subject or WHAT? I believe her CHF is ramping up big time, and the dementia has gotten much worse as well............can't really have a conversation with the woman at this point, and her breathing is labored. Ankles are quite swollen, too...........she looks terrible. I woke up this morning with a feeling of great anxiety...........it's probably the moment she tumbled off the bed. Like I said, every time the phone rings lately, it gives me a feeling of trauma. I'm sensing my NM is approaching the end of her life now, while it may not mean she has a matter of days left, I do not believe she will make it another year. One of these falls alone should wind up hurting her at some point requiring a trip to the ER, which we haven't had since May of 2019. One day at a time, right?
Don’t they always pull the ‘grass is greener’ crap?
Of course, they usually say, that they didn’t mean it the way their children take it.
Sorry, I don’t buy that for a minute! Many times they know exactly how they meant it.
My mom used to tell me that I took something the ‘wrong way’ and I would repeat it back word for word and say to her, “Mom, there isn’t any other way that I could have taken it!”
They think by telling us that we took something the wrong way is there ticket out!