Caregiving for a narcissistic mother. Do we do it out of love or out of years of guilt and programming?

Jodi,

Suicide complicates things all the more.

Suicide is in my family too. I have had a three cousins that committed suicide along with a nephew.

One of my cousins took her gun to the cemetery and shot herself! The other two were pills. My nephew hung himself.

So sad to think about. Their misery outweighs any meaning in life. They were all young, under 50!

I admire survivors who take the misery and utilize it to help. My friend who lost her teen son to suicide started a support group for survivors. She has done many wonderful workshops on grief and loss of loved ones to suicide.

Another friend of mine who lost her husband to Covid has started a support group for those who lost their loved ones to Covid. She says that she is helping herself as well as others. She’s a lovely woman.

There are lessons to be learned in all situations. Tough lessons, perhaps but I admire people who are able to move forward in their lives and reach out to others.

Need Help-You are interested in whether families/narcissists know the N has a mental illness/try to hide it, etc. I was aware when I was young that many members of my mother's family were 'not right'. But it wasn't talked about. When I was older, I found out my mother's grandfather, paternal aunt, her brother and now some cousins in that branch all have significant problems with mental illness, complicated by violence, paranoia, and narcissism. But my mother never acknowledged any of these problems, and certainly didn't acknowledge that she herself is severely narcissistic. My father realized there was a problem with my mother, but by that time she had produced 5 children, and he took his fatherhood responsibilities seriously. I believe he stayed married to her, in order to save his children as best he could. I know he threatened to divorce mother at one point, due to her maltreatment of me in my early teens (I was her favorite scapegoat, and she pounded my father to join her in scapegoating me also. Typical N behavior.) Not only did he refuse to join the scapegoat party, he started protecting me from her behavior, and took me under his wing. I believe my mother resents that relationship to this day, because my father treated me like a decent human being. But I am so grateful he did. Otherwise...
My mother hid her illness from the outside, always putting on a good face when necessary. She could also be quite gracious, when she wanted to be.
I dream about my father regularly now, when I hadn't for many years. Just doing everyday activities; he is just there, being Dad. I want to believe he is sending me comfort.

I think that my narcissistic mother was such an expert at it that it took me way into adulthood..... That I realized just what she was doing all along..... After finding facilities. Hospices, caregiving.... And seeing what I did for her and then had to live in the aftermath that I truly understood the extent to which she used this narcissistic abuse....... It wreacks havoc with the victim and leaves them holding the bag trying to wrap up the mess......... It is consuming.

This is to the extent that the destructive force of the narcissists abuse goes on even after their death. How awful to have a mother like this and not be freed of the consequeces of the abuse even after they die. It is so unfortunate for the victim not to truly understand what is happening until they are drained absolutely dry and find it hard to move on.

Seagull, I think your experience of not understanding that you had a narcissistic mother until adulthood resonates with many of us. Most of us just “got by”, dealing with this mother-daughter relationship whilst going through life, without necessarily realising it was wrong, unhealthy, difficult. Whatever it was, it was “normal “ to us, as it was the only mother-daughter relationship we had known. For me, the revelation came in my early 50s, when I started to read into why my mother was so selfish and self centred. I came across narcissistic personality disorder, and it was such a shock to recognise my mother so strongly in its description and the traits of these people that I felt physically sick. I think a big part of the shock comes from finally realising that they really do not care about you, and that in itself is devastating. I agree that the damage runs so deep that it is embedded within you, which makes any kind of healing very difficult, even after they have died. I find that treating yourself with kindness, reaching out to others with kindness, and being close to people who love and care about you helps to offset some of their toxic legacy.

I believe adult children of narcissists do it out of love - we were taught young that parents needs are the only ones that matter. As we get our wings we begin realizing there’s crazy making guilt, obligation and unrealistic expectations on us. Plus when we wear ourselves down to the bone we start looking for answers and then we learn about NPD. Then we can begin to have love and compassion for ourselves which includes setting boundaries with the narcissist. They might not like it but it’s certainly healthier. Good luck!

I want to suggest Dr. Ramani Davursala - expert on narcissism - YouTube videos and books are like counseling sessions. Much needed to rid the world of toxicity.

Chriscat83  "I think a big part of the shock comes from finally realising that they really do not care about you, and that in itself is devastating. " so true, we keep looking for that little possibility, that somehow we are reading it wrong but it just isn't there it seems. They may say they do love us because that is what a mother is supposed to say, their actions are so not along those lines, they only way they love us is if they think they are controlling us. It's really mind numbing that a woman that gave birth to you doesn't wasn't to see you happy because she is not. My mother once said to me that she thanks god I am not like her but then she continued being herself maybe it's too painful for her when she realizes it and then she goes back to her way of doing things as it's the only way she knows how - the control must be so exhausting and lonely for her. Watching it and dealing with my whole life has been real pain and exhaustion for me. The hurt is deep inside making it hard to let go and move on, I would love to understand it but all I can do is push it aside. These forums are really cathartic and insightful it helps a lot to have a place to go.

I've been away for a couple days just trying to cope and take care of DH. I think we both underestimated what his surgery would entail, it was a 10 hour day - at the hospital, and I was shocked at the bloody bandages on his back and axilla area and the intense bruising. The doctor warned me he could bleed more but not to change the bandage unless he bled really bad and the bandage couldn't hold it. It's a special bandage that isn't supposed to come off until Monday. It did bleed more, but thankfully it didn't become excessive and I changed out ice packs constantly, just stopping late last night. He still has a large area of swelling in the axilla all the way to his chest from the lymph fluid draining. Hoping that starts to subside soon.

The most excruciating thing is now waiting for that lymph biopsy. I honestly can not think about anything else right now, although I am staying up to date on my brother, and staying in touch with my sister.

I will say, my sister has done an excellent job keeping my mom from coming back here, especially given my mom was planning to come back 3 days after she left. Then she wanted to come back Thursday until my sister reminded her my DH was having surgery that day. So then she wanted to come this weekend, and my sister told her point blank that we needed some time to get through this surgery, so my mom pouted and agreed. Such a selfish woman. I dread her coming back here so much.

I had a chance to talk to my sister briefly about my mom's need for hired help (companion). This came up because my mom complained that DH and I "don't like to do anything" Unreal. My sister's response was that me and DH can't be her only socialization. My mom lied and said "they aren't".... 100% bold face lie. My sister knows this. I couldn't stay on the phone so we couldn't further discuss, but I finally feel I have a support person to help me deal with my mother. Just someone besides me telling her she needs hired help is huge for me.

Piper, surgery will have exacted an emotional as well as a physical toll on you and your DH. You will both be exhausted. Sounds like your sister is doing an excellent job of keeping your mother off your back right now. I would keep feeding her the information needed so she can deal with your mother and for her to seriously introduce the very real need for hired help. Let her fight these battles right now, so that you and your DH can recuperate. Sending best wishes.

Ep......thank God DH is past the surgery, I've been thinking about you a lot and looking here for an update. Praying the lymph biopsy is negative, and you both get some needed rest. Surgery is so draining for BOTH of you. I know what it feels like. DHs whole upper body looks like he's been thru the war. So thrilled and relieved to hear your sister is doing such a splendid job keeping NM out of your sight. Now, only if it could be permanent. The lying liar can lie all she'd like, but once you and your sister talk, you'll be able to present a united front and burst the lies wide open! 😆😆. Any update on your brother?

Seagull.....SO GLAD to see you posting here, welcome! 😁 Its very good to have others in the same boat who fully understand your feelings. You will post on the other parts of the forum and get comments that clearly show how others DO NOT have any idea what narcissistic abuse looks or feels like. It's not something you can just snap your fingers and get over, or something that should be minimized either. You have to first recognize what has happened, then acknowledge it, then feel it, deal with it, and THEN you can accept it in time. It's a process, just like going thru the stages of grief after the death of a loved one. It's good that you have a therapist to help you thru this journey to heal and to take your life back. In the end, you did a beautiful thing for your mother by caring for her, and should be proud of yourself for stepping up IN SPITE of the abuse you were dealt.

Chris, beautiful words for Seagull, as always.

TWillie, thanks for the tip about the YouTube videos, I will have to check those out.

Cascia, I keep pushing aside all the pain my NM causes me, too, worrying I'll explode if I examine things too closely.

Piper: You must be exhausted. Praying for your DH and you.

EP,

Waiting for biopsy results is the worst! Gut wrenching!!
God bless you and DH!!😘

SEAGULL & Twillie,

Welcome to our thread!!

So much support and awesome insight!!🤗

Welcome to the new people in the club nobody wanted to be in. What Lea said about this being a process is SO true. Don't beat yourself up for not understanding the wounds of the abuse you endured, and many continue to endure. It takes a long time, and much learning and reflection. I'm a perfect example. Four years ago I was nuts enough to move my narc mother 200 feet from me. I can't tell you how many times I have questioned what my sanity level was back then to make such a horrible decision. So yeah, it's a process alright.

Eventually- just to survive - you will put boundaries in place and learn to stick to them. Keep coming here for support and advice to help you get out of the FOG.

Lea and Jodi, have either of you gotten any results yet? I've been wondering about it. I'm expecting we will get DH's by Tues, I hope. I keep checking his patient portal like some crack head. This waiting is truly the worst.

Lea, my brother will be having a radical prostatectomy at minimum, and IDK yet what other target treatment he will get. I'm guessing radiation, ADT, and possibly chemo. He has a doctors appointment tomorrow and I expect surgery will be scheduled very soon. I love my brother very much despite our estrangement over my mother. He knows this, and he knows he can count on my support going through this.

All this cancer- especially the seriousness of my brother completely obliterated any feelings of resentment. I mean I was starting to hate them over my mother. No more. I'm not letting her ruin another thing in my life. It's like she is just not the priority in my mind anymore. In some strange way these health issues have given me the strength to keep extra tight boundaries with her. I'm not putting up with an once of her crap.

My sister arranged for a driver to pick my mom up at the airport to bring her back here. Not Uber, it's a taxi service that does airport runs, so the person will be inside waiting for her to help with her bag, etc. I am so glad she did that. Little things like that mean a lot and I was sure to let her know how much I appreciated it.

I hope you all are having a nice Sunday. I'm having a lazy day and all I plan to do is cook some of DH's favorite food. He loves homemade fried zucchini so I am going to make a ton of it so we can eat it and binge watch shows on TV.

Hugs to everyone.

Still,

What you say is true. Either they didn’t know how to deal with it or were ashamed of it because as you say, people didn’t openly speak about mental illnesses.

It’s sad. I am glad that people can and do speak about it now.

Piper,

I am praying for your situation. It does stink waiting to hear biopsy and test results. So sorry that your brother is facing surgery.

Take care.

Piper, I'm glad your sister has seen the light so to speak. Maybe all it took was for you to tell her in no uncertain terms that she MUST step up, because the way all this is playing out reads as incredibly unfair from where I sit. Fingers crossed for your brother. Jodi and Lea, do let us know when you have info.

chris: " I came across narcissistic personality disorder, and it was such a shock to recognise my mother so strongly in its description and the traits of these people that I felt physically sick. I think a big part of the shock comes from finally realising that they really do not care about you, and that in itself is devastating."

You know, for me it was a little bit the opposite, that these really hurtful things my mother does really aren't personal. It's her wiring I think a lot of the time she doesn't even realize how hurtful something she's done is.... I have a long list, but most recently it was giving away my things I had stored at her house. I think it honestly shocked her how mad I was at her... I keep judging her by what other people would do and I'm starting to realize that may not work. Of course I can't level with her about it because like most NPD she can't ever admit anything is wrong with her or that she's done anything wrong, but it'll be something for me to contemplate for sure.

Cascia: "My mother once said to me that she thanks god I am not like her but then she continued being herself maybe it's too painful for her when she realizes it and then she goes back to her way of doing things as it's the only way she knows how - the control must be so exhausting and lonely for her."

I think at some level my mother knows something is wrong but doesn't know what to do about it and honestly I don't think I can help her. She just doesn't have the courage to do the kind of introspection needed even with the help of a therapist, and she's also REALLY enmeshed with our larger family dynamic which reinforces disordered behavior.

Lea: "Right after dad died, like literally 2 minutes later, she sort of cried and said she felt bad b/c she 'wasn't very nice to him.' I was shocked to hear her say that. Then she calmed right down again, and never said another decent word about him again."

Nmom once told me she felt really guilty for how she had treated my dad. (She should: At least one affair I know of and she left him shortly after he was diagnosed with a terminal illness.) But it was just the once and then never again. She tells me all the time how jealous she is of my relationship with DH and I sort of laughed it off until recently, but I'm sure it looks like a miracle to her: I treat DH the way I'd like to be treated instead of putting myself first in everything. That tends to pay dividends if you know what I mean and we've now been together 21 years, so I must be doing something right.

NHWM: "That’s how I feel about my sweet grandfather in law. He died a broken man... By the time they knew things were horribly wrong they didn’t know what to do. They were in over their heads."

I'd give anything if my dad had known my mother had a bona fide mental disorder (two in fact, I inherited ADHD from her). His issues with her just about
drove him crazy and I think contributed to his death, which was from a rare immune system disorder that's made worse by stress. Honestly I really can't think about it much or I start really losing my stuff and there's not a thing I can do about it other than refuse to let her drive ME insane.

Shell "I have had this dream 4 to 5 times, but I always wake up before he can tell me what he wants to tell me. It is really weird!"

This may be outside the scope of the thread here but I firmly believe I hear from my dad occasionally. Certain songs on the radio at a certain time, smells, opening books to the page I need to find about our family history, that kind of thing. Maybe we should start our own thread on that.

Also, one last thing before I end my novel: Y'all pray for me, I have to go to nmom's house this Thursday to get the rest of my stuff out of there before she gives that away too. I'm SURE she'll try to goat rope me into a bunch of drama re: why I've taken such a big step back from her, how I'm going to help her and do things for her and on and on. I can't take DH because (yay!!!) he's starting his new job on Monday.

Maybe I should push this back until next weekend so he can come because her abusing me also amounts to her abusing DH, when it comes to her deciding we can pay for things for her and I'm going to be her one-woman care committee.

But on the other hand maybe she needs to hear from me that she needs to think about staying on her side of town so other people can help take care of her. Just because she doesn't want to talk about her eventual need for hands on nursing care doesn't mean we're not going to talk about it. Also me coming by myself sends the message I'm prepared to stand up to her b/c she probably knows I'd bring DH if I expected drama I didn't want to handle alone.

Also DH has been known to be a little, um dramatic himself and maybe I don't need to deal with the two of them going after each other. Hmmmm.

In any event I'll be mentally taking notes so I can come back here and tell y'all all about it. She doesn't usually come up with howlers like the hummingbird story, but every once in a while, hoo golly there's a doozy.

Think I'll spend a little time with my "Children of the Elderly Self Absorbed" volume this week which has great concrete recommendations for dealing with clingy type self absorbed/NPD people in person.

Hellebore,

Will add you to the prayer list.

Hellebore,

Yep, they absolutely add stress to others lives, especially the spouse and children, in my husband’s grandmother’s case, they had one daughter, so it all fell in her lap! My mother in law was the opposite of her mom! She was so sweet.

Stress is a killer. I think most people who are married to self centered individuals die long before the narcissists do!

Hellebore: I find pennies & dimes from my father all the time, and see 11:11 on the clock, or 1:11 too! Esp. when I need to the most! It's not outside of the scope of this thread, and if it is, who cares? :)

No word on DH's liver biopsy yet; not till the 28th; it's expected to show why he has non alcoholic cirrhosis. I'm sure it's b/c he had fatty liver and did nothing about it, and it's morphed INTO mild cirrhosis now. That's another whole story anyway. He gets another CT scan end of May to see if the tumor grew back, but nothing till then.

EP: it takes all of us a long time to get it thru our thicker than thick skulls about our NMs. Today we went to see mine at the MC and I brought her a Mexican stuffed pepper I made a few days ago. I purposely did NOT eat one last night and saved it for her b/c she's obsessed with food, hates the food at the MC and yada yada. Today, when I was leaving & told her not to forget about the pepper tonight, she ROLLED HER EYES and sighed. How do you spell NEVER AGAIN? I told DH, never again will I bring the woman food. It's like Lucy and Charlie Brown with the football. Every. Single. Time. She can eat crusts of bread from now on for all I care. Not that they serve that at the MC, they surely do NOT. I'm just saying; she can complain till the cows come home but I will not bring her one more homemade piece of food. The week before, I brought her homemade chili and she said 'it was such a TINY bowl, barely enough to fill a cavity.' And again, it took food away from US to bring her that 'tiny' bowl which wasn't tiny at ALL. So there you have it. Same sh*t different day.

EP: When is your NM coming home? Rolling my eyes in anticipation of that blessed event. And what is a radical prostatectomy? I never heard of that. Sending prayers for both your DH and your brother.
I think when REAL problems crop up in life, it makes us WAY less tolerant of the NM BS b/c that's what it all IS: PURE B.S. Nonsense and meaningless selfishness that is totally irrelevant in the grand scheme of things. When something horrible happens, it SO underlines the PETTY crap our NMs are carrying on about!!!!!!!! It makes me 100% intolerant of ALL of my NMs behavior, and I can easily back off from it totally! As long as I'm in crisis mode, NM is off the table entirely and the MC can look after her and her chronic BS.

Went to babysit my grandson today for 4 hours. Daddy & mommy 'don't believe' in pacifiers but DO believe in letting an infant cry himself to sleep in his room alone in his crib! Isn't that special? Grandma went right into the kitchen to rustle up a nice clean NIPPLE from the counter to put into the poor thing's mouth when he was getting upset & fussy and guess what? He calmed down IMMEDIATELY once he could comfort himself with the sucking motion! DUH. We had a grand time, he and I *and grandpa* and look forward to many more babysitting dates. Esp at our house when he gets a bit older since you can't even walk around in his house for all the clutter everywhere. Shhhhhhh, don't tell them I said that HA!!! I love that little munchkin, he is so adorably sweet. Mom and dad were able to go riding their scooter & then have a sushi dinner alone for a change, and were very happy for the chance to have a break.

Lea,

Praying for your husband.

Oh my gosh, the food cannot be that bad in your mom’s facility.

She’s lucky that you bring her home cooked food.

My friend’s daughter had a baby, her first grandchild, and she asked her mom, “Mom, what do you want your grandchild to call you?”

I about choked on my coffee when she told me what she told her daughter.

She said that she wanted her grandchild to call her Goddess! Her daughter told her that she would absolutely NOT allow her child to call her Goddess!

My friend says, “But I have pillows embroidered with Goddess on them and everything!” Her daughter said, “Mom, I don’t care about your embroidered pillows! There is no way my child will refer to you as Goddess!”

After I was able to speak again, I asked her where did she come up with Goddess? She told me that she saw it in a movie and thought it was cute! 😂 LOL

There are tons of variations on what grandmothers are called but I never heard Goddess before. Too funny!

Need: Wow. That's rich. Goddess - oh my.

Llama,

We hear, meme, memaw, grandma, mama, etc...

BUT GODDESS!!!

I asked her what was the name of the movie but she had seen it years earlier and couldn’t remember.

I would love to know what the movie was.

Nhwm......ha! Reminds me when my kids were little and I'd tell them to please call me Mother Loveliness! It never worked unless they wanted something really badly 🤣 My grandson can call me grandma or nana, either would be fine.

And no, the food is fine at the MC. NM never feels lucky or grateful for ANYTHING.

Ty for the prayers 😚

Lea, why do you think the pennies are from your dad? Just curious. I found one on the last 4th of July outside a memorial of a guy I know my 4th great grandfather knew, from their service in the Revolutionary War. I definitely think it was from my ancestor since I had been doing a lot of genealogy work on him at the time.

"And again, it took food away from US to bring her that 'tiny' bowl which wasn't tiny at ALL. So there you have it. Same sh*t different day."

Yep. I just about lost it when nmom told me last December like it was some big revelation that DH and I will get old someday soon. Like, us needing to plan for our retirement had not crossed her mind at all. Yet the list of what she expects us to do for her is as long as your arm. It's mindboggling. Glad your kids got to ride scooters and go for sushi, I sure miss restaurants tho it was a beautiful day here so I could have gotten my bike out. Maybe tomorrow but I have a lot of gardening to do.

Loving nmoms asking to be called Goddess. Don't know how the daughter didn't die laughing!

Hellebore: 11's are signs from the angels! To make a long story short, when my dad was in rehab and they wanted to keep him there in the SNF, I HAD to find an ALF that would take both him & my NM otherwise, they'd be separated and he'd have been torn up. Nobody would take him; he was too far advanced for AL and needed SNF. I prayed to God & the dead relatives to help me. I started seeing 11:11 and 1:11 on the clock all the time. One day I came home & sat down at my desk & broke down crying. An email popped up; the AL literally 3/4 of a mile down the street had an opening; they'd take dad SIGHT UNSEEN b/c my mother's sister & BIL had lived there for years & we were considered family. That was the first miracle. When dad began the dying process 10 months later and fear overtook me, I started seeing the 11:11 and 1:11s on the clocks again. I knew then that I was taking the right path, that all would end well. Right after dad passed, I started finding pennies & dimes (1s and 10s=11's) everywhere. I saved them up and have a piggy bank filled with them! One time I lost a diamond from my engagement ring & it could not be replaced; I told DH to look up pawn shops in one area so we could visit a few & find me an inexpensive replacement ring. 2nd shop we walked into, there sat MY EXACT WEDDING RING SET in the case (which is unusual to begin with)! I bought it, we went into the parking lot and there next to the car door, on the pavement, was 2 dimes & a penny! I shouted THANKS DAD! And that was THE best story yet of divine intervention and help from my father from the other side!

Lea,

I have a wedding ring story too.

When we vacationed in Florida we spent most of our time on the gulf but occasionally went to the bay to rent a boat for the day.

We left the bay to go back to the hotel to shower get dressed for the 4:00 vigil Mass on Saturday.

We were driving to church and I noticed that my husband wasn’t wearing his wedding band.

I asked my husband if he forgot his ring in our room. He said, “I don’t think so because I had it on earlier when we rented the boat and I didn’t take it off before showering.”

So, I asked him to stop at the boat rental. We left early for mass and we had to pass by the boat rental anyway.

He says, “Honey, I will buy a new ring.” I say, “I married you in THAT ring and I already said a prayer to St. Anthony for your ring.” He says, “Oh, there you go with your St. Anthony again!” I said, “Yes, here I go again because St. Anthony has always been very good to me!”

So, we stop at the boat rental. I ran up to the worker and asked if anyone turned in a gold wedding band. The worker said, “Lady, I am so sorry but no one has turned in a ring.” So, I said, “Do you have a fishnet? He says, “I do, but why do you want that?” So, I told him that I said a prayer to St. Anthony for my husband’s wedding ring.

The worker looked at me like I had two heads! 😂 LOL

Anyway, I walked over to where our boat was docked and stood about where we got onto the boat and started scooping sand in the net while my husband and this worker were looking at me like I was out of my mind.

Finally, the worker says to me, “Lady, you’re crazy! You are not going to find a ring in the sand.” I looked him dead in his eyes and said, “Oh, yes I will. I told you that I asked St. Anthony for it and he never lets me down.” Well, on the third scoop, up came the ring!

The worker says to me, “Lady, I am not Catholic but please tell me about your St. Anthony.” I said, “Isn’t it obvious? He is the patron saint of lost articles!”

My husband said to me, “Why does Saint Anthony always answer your requests?” I told him because I believe and am grateful.

Another time on vacation in Williamsburg, Va. I did something foolish. I put a wad of money in my pocket.

I lost it! I was so upset. Again, I asked St. Anthony. I told my husband that there must be a ‘lost and found’ and I was going to get my money.

My husband says, “Honey, I know that you love St. Anthony but and he has been good to you but no one turns in cash and you don’t even know if there is a lost and found.”

Well, I found the ‘lost and found’ with my cash and a note with the exact spot that I lost my cash! My husband said after that, “Okay, St. Anthony loves you!”

I lost a gold watch at the gym that my husband gave me. I was crying 😭.

I went home after working out and told my husband. He said, “I am very sorry that you lost your watch. Maybe we can replace it later.”

I said, “I don’t know why St. Anthony didn’t return my watch to me. He knows that I appreciate him. He knows that I believe.”

Anyway, I went to bed upset but told my husband that maybe St. Anthony wanted me to learn the virtue of patience and so I would wait until the next day for my watch.

I hear my husband say facetiously under his breath, “Yeah, honey...that must be it.” I ignored his remark.

So, the next day I go back to the gym.

I went to the front desk, no watch. I asked at the bar where I got water, no watch. I kept thinking and thinking what was I forgetting?

So, I asked in housekeeping. The housekeeper says to me, “Describe your watch.” I tell her that it is a silver and gold, Raymond Weil watch and is very special to me and that I had four links removed because watches are always too big for me but it was still a little loose and must have slipped off and I didn’t notice that it had dropped off.

She came out with an envelope that had my watch!

This was around Christmas. I went and bought the housekeeper a card and filled it with cash.

Lea,

I went to Catholic school my whole life and learned about the hierarchy of angels. I love angels too! I also loved learning about the saints.

I was extremely close to my mom’s mother. My grandmother always wore saint medals pinned to her slip. She never wore pants. She always wore dresses with a slip underneath. Anyway, St. Anthony was her favorite saint. So, I always had a love for him too.

I have so many stories of articles being returned to me. When I relayed these stories to my girls they said, “Mom, you have a direct line to St. Anthony and jokingly said, maybe you should set up something online and have people pay you to ask St. Anthony for their lost items!”

I laughed and told them that I always make a donation to St. Anthony when he helps me and I would never take the money for myself. The money would have to go to him for charity.

I do have people calling me all the time asking me to ask St. Anthony to find things for them. They call me back and tell me the item is found. I don’t charge money for my prayers to Tony, though!

I always tell people how wonderful Tony is and I am amazed at how many others love him.

People here in New Orleans love St. Anthony and St. Joseph.

Our St. Joseph alters are gorgeous on his feast day.

I love seeing the baked goods the best. I can cook but I don’t know how to do those fancy breads that are baked for the alter.

I believe in prayers to our ancestors like you do.

I see Cardinals when I think of my deceased mother in law. That was her favorite bird.

I find pennies all the time too.

"Tony Tony come around'
something's lost & can't be found"

That's the 'prayer' to St Anthony NHWM! LOL. I lost my baby photo album and said that prayer around a zillion times but no luck :( I think it will turn up when we move out of this house & start packing up.

Love your stories about finding your lost items!! :)

Lea,

You said it! That’s how the nuns taught us to pray it!

I do love Tony 😊.