Today I had my first appointment with an actual therapist (not a counselor).
Even though one hour wasn't long enough to spew out everything I need to talk about, this woman completely picked up on 2 truly major points.
1) Even ONE of the stressors I have been dealing with over the last year is more than enough to warrant therapy!
2) I have been the "caregiver " for everyone in my family since I was 12 years old!
She asked me what I do for myself?
I had absolutely no answer!!
Hence therapy!! Lol
Caring for a narcissistic LO is a labor of love!
Not because they will love us back, but because we need to love ourselves!!
How do you keep caring selflessly for your selfish LO?
What do you do for yourself?
(((Hugs)))
I read somewhere that the ability to "showtime" will eventually fade away as dimentia/Alzheimer's progresses. (Might have been here where I read that.) Is it too much to hope that it'll fade by Thursday when mom has her neurology appt?
Thank you so much for sharing your insight and. Knowledge.😊🌻🤗🌼
They will live and die with that armor intact and the meteorite I talk about won't even blast thru the walls of it. We are the ones who have to realize it and step back, for our own health and sanity. I am just now finally feeling the truth of that statement after stepping back from all the hurtful messages my NM has been slinging at me, and now my DH, for at least the past month. WE are the ones who have to say ENOUGH.
Welcome!
We're so glad you're here!!
This is a safe place to vent, ask or give advice!!
Elaine,
I do worry about the next generation!
I have repeatedly explained to my wonderful children that I feel as though I have done a 180 from my NM. I think they get it!!
I have intentionally stayed out of their business unless they ask for my advice!
My daughter is constantly asking for my advice (I love it), my boys, not so much. That's OK!
Aoi,
Thank you for your kind words!
I am loving your posts!!
You make me smile!
I had an epiphany tonight!
I have been pushing my calls to NM from every 2 days to every 3 days.
Of course as ya'll know it comes with a certain amount of guilt.
Typically this would make me edgy and short with my hubby.
For the hundredth time tonight, I again had to replace the empty toilet paper roll. The new rolls are within arms reach.
As I was replacing the cardboard roll for the fresh pillowy new roll, it occurred to me that if this is the worst thing I have to deal with, I am blessed!
My point being, choose your battles VERY carefully!
Only spend your energy on the things that TRULY affect your life!
Take care of those who take care of you! Tolerate those who don't .
Above all, take care of yourself!
You are of NO use to anyone, especially yourself, if you're miserable!
Forgive my ramblings!!
It's late, I am tired, but I kinda feel like it's poignant!
(((Hugs)))
Everything was always someone else’s fault. ALWAYS. She blamed my father for EVERYTHING. She never said she was sorry to him because she was never wrong.
There were times my father would admit he was wrong and say I’m sorry to either me or my mother, but my mother never said she was sorry to HIM, EVER!!!
There were times she said she was sorry to me but they were few and far between. She never said it to me once my father passed away and she was 73. She never apologized to me for anything after that.
Thank you to Aoi and Lealonnie for all of your wise words. They help me so much!!
Good for you for backing off on the phone calls to every 3 days!!! I got to the point with my mother that I visited her once a week and my son went twice a week and I let her call me. She stopped answering the phone so I stopped calling. She had an amplifier on the phone so she couldn’t say she couldn’t HEAR it!!!
I laughed at your comment about the toilet paper. I have to change it every time too. My DH would put the roll on wrong. He put it on going OVER. I always put it on UNDER, lol.
I'm as pleased as a lizard on a warm rock that I could inspire you. I'm hoping you have that photo blown up and hung on your wall. That's lovely.
The fog, Yup. I've had them from time to time in life but I'd gone for many years without until last October. I'm finding my way out pretty quickly now that you ladies have become a torch.
Who invented this NMama condition/disorder? I want someone to hold accountable and write a scathing letter to. 😋
The show-timing is, indeed, a phenomenon. Dad would do it too. His narcissism was entirely due to dimentia/Alzheimer's. He was really good at show-timing too. He had a V.A. doctor completely convinced that his diagnosis might need re-evaluation and doc had more than 30 years of geriatric experience. Daddy loved all the attention he got from pretty ladies at the V.A facility. Everyone thought he was just "adorable" and until he did his sun-downing, for the most part, he was. On that visit, he got himself a shiney, new scooter. He drove the test scooter through and around the obsticle course like a pro. At home, he did exactly what we were concerned about, ran over furniture, into walls, ran it at full speed downhill. Heavens! After a while, and a few mended chairs and a very Frighted T.V., I parked it in the garage. Daddy didn't miss it. His memory, by that time, was like a crashed computer without a boot disc.
Mom is a different story. She's not ever been mentality stable. Her narcissism has always been there and has always done the charming thing until she's tired of you or needs/wants something you won't give her. Always angry. She's always expected everything to be handed to her. Her pattern is really easy to follow if anyone payed attention. No one ever does until it's too late and they end up trying to repair their crushed, liquified, self esteem usually asking me, "what happened to your mom?" When I remind them that I warned them, I suppose they feel like a statistic. Already beaten and crushed, they have little to say. Where show-timing is concerned, I think, with some advance thought and some planning, I might be able to coax a tantrum, Mom's gotten near tantrum before in a doc's office. I don't much look forward to the fallout but it would be worth it if the outcome was positive. I thank you for the idea and sharing your truth with me, E.P.
You're absolutely correct about the stigma associated with mental health. You're also right about the generation that broke the silence. Keen observation skill, you have. ( I don't actually try to sound like Yoda, it just happens. I WISH I had Yoda's skills). Mental health care has come a long way in just a generation and I hope, soon, that the remaining stigma disintegrates. I also hope that more insurance plans include mental health. There are way too many folks who could benefit from help but aren't getting it because too many plans don't see mental health as part of medicine. Last time I checked, my brain was attached to my body and is pretty much in charge of the rest of what goes on inside that body.
I totally get how confusing it was when you were a kid. Wouldn't it be great if finally knowing what is actually going on came exclusively with the sigh of relief feeling? We aren't simple creatures though, and "getting it" comes with all the other feelings too. Maya Angelou is kicking around in my head saying "When you know better, you do better." And it's true. You're the evidence of that.
Thank you for sharing your insight, truth and revelations with us. 🤗🌼😊💖🌹
You came to the right place!
You've got a bad case of the guilt, honey. Notify everyone you need some "you time", get a cup of tea or whatever it is you you like best and just breathe.
I know you're going crazy right now and that's totally understandable.
There's not a single one of us who will pass judgement on you when you make your decision on what to do.
What we're going to try to do is help you see what's best for you, your family and your mom. In the end, it's going to be your decision and we'll stand by you and that decision.
It sounds, to me, like you might already know what to do but you're having a difficult time getting past the guilt.
I can't tell you that the guilt goes away but it does get easier. The important issue right now is that your mom gets the care she needs and it sounds to me like you're not in a good place to take that on yourself. There's NO shame in that.
I may have missed it if you posted more details on your situation so forgive me for that and if you haven't posted before, please do let us in on your situation.
We've got your back. In the meantime, decompress. The stress on this journey can literally injure you if you don't make time for that. It's job#1. Build a Happy Place Job#2: Go to your Happy Place, decompress.
Happy places are not merely an escape, they are safe places that allow you time for yourself, meditation and restoration of a healthy mental status. Happy Places don't, in any way, require a physical location. Some of the best Happy Places are located between your ears. Over the years, I've really enjoyed building real and virtual Happy Places. Just the planning and execution has been therapeutic for me. Whatever material you choose to use whether it's mental, virtual or actual, the time and effort is well worth the investment and recently, I've found that taking this group with me to my Happy Place has made a Happy Place within a Happy Place -- a kind of "meta" Happy Place.
You've got one shot at this life. Whenever you can, make it your best life.
🤗🌼😊🌻🥦💖💐
I hear you when you said:
"I will always support my kids but I want them to know the joy that comes from being independent."
AMEN!.
"I bet a large portion of women had unfulfilled dreams and I wonder how many of them took out their frustrations on others, especially daughters who worked during their lifetimes."
It's only been in recent history that women have finally become considered 'human'. Before that we were considered vessels for child bearing. Even more recently, granted the ability to vote -- Grrr. Just Grrr. We still live, for the most part, in a Patriarchal society. We've made a lot of strides but we have a Long, long way to go. As recently as 10 years ago ( mind you, I'm in the South) sitting here in clear view of the street, wearing my tool belt and having a coffee would earn me the title of " sad, lonely, frustrated, big-headed lesbian". The audacity to be a crazy woman who thinks she can live in a man's world and do manly things! Good Gawd! I don't really have a problem with having the lesbian label, as far as labels go, but it just doesn't fit and it was a dig at both me and lesbians.
Today, a lot of the elderly in my neighborhood are saying just that as I type this.
Each generation builds within itself a greater understanding of ourselves, our world and the universe around us. There will come a day, if we survive those who would destroy all the hard work that we've done so far, when the people of that day will look back on our generation as we see those who established civilization and think it was a miracle that we survived any of it.
We have a long way to go. And our generation has a lot of positive things to say about humanity. Just don't forget that our harshest judgements come from the generation behind and the generation in front of us. That's just human nature.
In light of that and perhaps, in spite of it, we're all human and it might not serve us best to define human beings by the doings of a generation.
The fact that you're thinking about it means to me that you think on a level that is larger than just yourself and how you're perceived. You get ♥️💖❤️💗❣️💝💓 for that.
I hear you loud and clear! I am a southern woman too. I live in New Orleans. We have come a long way but the ‘good old boy’ network is alive and well.
This is why I feel that some of our moms are somewhat jealous of their daughters, whereas our generation are supportive of our daughters.
It’s another area where we broke cycles. We want our daughters to achieve as much as possible.
It took my mom awhile before she accepted that it was fine to have a job while being married and raising kids. Most of the the women in her time stayed home.
I told mom that she worked hard but didn’t get a paycheck for it!
" in the recommendations area it said therapy was NOT recommended for my mom. "Based on the severity of her cognitive deficits NM would not benefit from participating in individual psychotherapy at this time". Hmm."
My first reaction was Whaaaaaat? But then it dawned on me that psychotherapy relies on problem solving skills, redirecting toxic behavior, self awareness, awareness of others and the ability to remind oneself about all of that. And crimenedly, now it, UNFORTUNATELY, makes sense. Dangit.
Your mom and the wedding...I hear ya. My son is doing the same at the end of ,July. Is there a possibility of giving her THE most important job in the world that only she has the grace, talent and superior ability to perform during the times you need her not to be present?
I also work for the post office and on more than one occasion I have told the lead clerk who is a man ,”it’s a mans world in here!”
You read my mind, Wernicke Korsakoff Syndrome was exactly what I was thinking. I couldn't remember the names right off hand and was doing 20 things at the same time which just means I was too lazy to go look it up. That condition is supposed to show up on a CT scan. Meh, these things are an art form and over at that particular imaging center the artist most likely had a certificate from "Granny's Yellow Bus University". Now, don't go think'n I've got issues with people who are little slow. I don't. I just don't think it's the best idea to give them radioactive materials to paint with. Mom can't do MRI anymore. She's got a device implanted that prevents that. She'd had a few MRI's before that. Something might have shown but nobody was forthcoming with it.
It's hard to wrap my head around the idea that folks who aren't good with kids still want to have them enough to adopt. In your case, you put the experience to good use and I'm delighted that you found your family and that it's been a life changing experience for you. Thank you for sharing that with us. I think we can all benefit from your experience and perspective.
Gabapentin. Well, turns out the PRN had questions about mom being on it from the beginning. Mom took it for neuropathy. One minute she'd swear by the stuff and often in the same breath she'd swear it did nothing for her. I spent a few years as a pharmacy tech and thought very seriously about becoming a pharmacist and that experience sort of gave me a nudge but pretty much anyone can open research files on pharmaceuticals ( if you know where to look) and see that over time gabapentin has some questionable side effects especially when interacting with everything else she's taking. Mom takes 2 psychs. There were some doughnut holes we went through when she ran out...I want to be civil about the description of what that was like. I can't find the words. Since then, there were changes made to plans and running out of stuff won't happen again.
So, I got the pfizer jabs. I have an underlying issue that might have caused a problem or 2. I had some soreness and that that awful feeling you get before the flu eats you. It lasted a couple of days and that was the end of it. Mom had no reactions at all on the first, the second she had a slightly sore arm. Looks like we're going for a booster 'round September.
Battle scars. Yup. I have feeling that's why my brain seizes up occasionally. It's trying to read over a lump of flesh that's unreadable like a scratch on a DVD. Brain says to me: " Oh Really? You wanted to remember Wernicke Korsakoff Syndrome? Sheeyeah, you're gonna need to sand that area down then refill it with information. Meantime, that's 404."
Oh heavens! Tommorow's Monday. Who's idea was that?😆
🐰🌺🌷🌹
*Don’t take a covert narcissist to therapy
It’s also the worst idea to take a covert narcissist to therapy because that’s a training ground for them, and they will learn from the therapist where the cracks are showing in their mask, and what to change that about their behavior. And a lot of therapists will be really impressed with covert narcissists because they’ll do all their homework, they’ll be really attentive, because now they’re becoming the therapist.
So going to therapy, does not help with these people.
Gabapentin; at one point my NM was rushed off to the hospital and taken OFF of it entirely b/c her vertigo was HORRENDOUS. The gab was blamed for it, but meanwhile, she had bad vision, bad hearing AND no feeling in her feet from the neuropathy meaning she had no idea where she was in space. THAT is why she was having chronic vertigo to the degree she was having it, and off we'd go to the ENT doc for Epley maneuver treatments left & right. I should mention she was walking with a walker in those days and should NOT have been. About 2 years later is when she was again hospitalized and went into a wheelchair full time as the neuropathy warranted it. No more vertigo, as if by magic. Of course, the pain did NOT diminish one bit but continued to INCREASE, so here we are now, with NO medications to help her pain (or so she claims) and only worsening pain with passing time. I've read that end stage neuropathy = no feeling AT ALL in the legs/feet yet here she is, 15 years in, and only increasing pain? Her doc said that 'sometimes happens'. I say, the only thing that happens with her is the worst case scenarios. Sad but true.
So Aoi, even if you find the right dx for your NM, do you think there will be a medication to help her? I only ask this b/c as of now, there have been NO MEDS to help my NM with ANY of her issues; neuropathy, memory loss, dementia, vertigo, nothing. Nada. Zip. The Cymbalta surely did help her hostility and mood issues greatly, she was actually civil and said things to me like "I miss you" which prompted a phone call to my DD who was shocked to hear my NM said that to me! LOL. Anyway, she had to be taken off of it b/c it made her dementia SO BAD that she was falling and unaware of it! Can't make this sh*t up. Now she's back to being mean and miserable 24/7. I'd pay $10K for someone to put her on SOMETHING to make her happy. Anyway, imo, nobody gives much of a rats backside about the old folks and their diagnoses and scans, etc. It's pretty awful and you're in FL, right, where it's even WORSE! My folks lived there (and I did too for a while) for 17 years so they ran into bad healthcare situations quite often. I hope you can find an answer for your mother and get her stabilized SOON. I don't even know how I remembered WKS myself........I just forget SO MUCH STUFF lately I feel like I'm going down the dementia highway some days. UGH. But I remembered the lady at the MC and her issues, so I mentioned it.
Part 1
Lea,
This isn't easy for me to say but I feel like I need to get it out there.
I don't know if meds might help mom or not at this point. I can't think of any pharms that change a lifetime of toxic negativity and turn it into something that's manageable. Therapy is a freshly realized pipe dream and whatever else there is, I don't know about. Here's the honest and the hard part. The DX is predominantly for MY benefit. I'm so dam tired of flying monkeys and people who might mean well but are missing the obvious. There was an event I keep going back to in my head when Dad was alive and had aides coming to the house. These women had a job but would invariably chat on the phone most of the time and gossip with mom instead of doing anything but the most basic things. I called supervisors to try to get it fixed. Time after time I was told that I just didn't appreciate the service like I should. In the meantime, I was doing all the heavy lifting. Laundry, dishes, housework dad's needs, medications and mom's stuff too. in addition to all the other things that had to be done to make the house, at minimum, safe: repairs remodeling painting. The time came when I thought we'd gotten a good aide. I was wrong.
One day, out the clear blue sky the aide lit into me like I was a raw piece of meat and she was a starving lion. The accusations she threw at me were from somewhere in outer space and I had no idea what she was ranting about. Mom was there and said nothing. The aide ended her tirade saying "...and she disrespects her father" The statement was made directly to my mother. Well, that cut it. "EXCUSE ME?" I asked. "I ain't talk'n to you" She said then. "Now, see, you're disrespecting your mom." That cut it even further. Mom said nothing, I chose my response carefully and told her I was going for a walk to calm down and when I got back, we could talk like civil adults about what just happened and more importantly, what brought it on. The aide continued ranting as I walked away. When I got back she'd left early. My son was visiting at the time and was dumbfounded. He was even more dumbfounded as after I walked away, my mother attempted to comfort the aide. From what my son gleaned from the conversation,was that while I was working on the house, during aide visits, mom was trashing me and feeding the aide BS. Which, of course, the aide believed, even while my son was there contradicting his grandmother in real time. And it's not like the aide couldn't see the results of what I was doing. It's just that mom is just THAT gifted. Over the next, few weeks or so, mom saw this as a convenient opportunity to create a "rivalry" in which she announced repeatedly that she did not want to be in the middle of. The announcement was for me, not the aide. Triangulation stinks. The time came when I needed to repair the floor in most of the main areas in the house. I moved a t.v. into dad's room so that his favorite occupation would be taken care of while I tackled the floors BY HAND. For the most part, dad would be in his room during the day to keep him out of the dust and chemicals. On the second day it rained and ruined my ability to get a coat of finish on the floors. On day 3 there was a knock at the door. It was DCF. I was glad to see her because I thought she was there to talk about dad's medicaid. No. She was there because someone reported me for 'confining' dad to his room. I'm sure I turned a horrid shade of deep purple. I've never, in my life, felt like that. I wanted to hurl my cookies. I can't, to this day tell you what that feeling was, exactly. I talked to the DCF lady at length. We went over everything and she could see the work I was doing. She talked to mom privately and then dismissed the case with a warning: She could not be called again. That would force her to have to call the police and have me removed from the home. The aide denied calling DCF.
EOF part 1 see next, Part 2
I lived in fear for several weeks after that. I mean literal bullet chewing, night sweats kinda fear. I packed my stuff and started a plan of self- extrication. The guilt I felt for what would have been leaving dad behind was, for lack of a better term, excruciating.
Mom "hadn't heard" the part about the police and being hauled off to the pokey, so when the aide threatened out loud to, AGAIN call DCF over an unrelated issue ( mom liked to sleep on the couch instead of her room, something I had zero control over and why would DCF care?) I had to remind mom of the police and pokey fact and that despite the aide's denial of calling DCF, she just admitted it right then and there. Mom got all panicky. She knew she'd gone too far and set herself up by complete dumb accident, made up some excuse about the aide mouthing off (the aide mouthed off all the time. Why now?) and fired her. That was the end of that chapter.
Toxic people do toxic things like backstabing and triangulation. That's never going to change. Mom's judgement, just because she can't control those two things is evidence of mental illness. Add that she cannot take care of herself, (complete disability is, now, diagnosed by the Cardiologist's PRN) has no money for care, nowhere she can go, can no longer finish a sentence without long pauses to find missing words or losing the entire subject of conversation, now there's reason for real concern, if doctors would take notice of it. They don't. Well, the neighbors do. That doesn't help much.
A diagnosis would give me a large measure of protection. I am the only thing mom has standing between her and the neighbors calling about decay of the house, rats, vermin, hoarded garbage. All of which were huge issues before I got here. None of which exist today. If they knew all, this, doctors would have no choice but to recomend guardianship. They don't know because mom doesn't tell them anything like that. I don't want guardianship it's a nightmare that once again makes me more vulnerable to a triangulated attack. I'd prefer to work it out like two mature adults. The doctors won't talk to me...yet. I have to get mom moving on the POA. I know why she's dragging her feet. If I were her I'd be scared too because she thinks the ugly, nasty, black truth is likely to come out if I'm allowed to talk with her doctors. Truth is, I'd rather not put us both through that but I have leverage ( documentation from elder source, pictures, several years of journaling) if I choose to use it. Mom, if the situation was reversed, would not hesitate to use that leverage. And that scares her because she thinks everyone thinks as she does.
This is why most narcissists are paranoid. They're sure the world is out to get them because that's what they'd do.
And there's my truth. All of it, or at least the part that brings me here.
As far as protecting myself, I have a close confidant who's willing to testify if the need should arise. And my browser history, letters, receipts, photos and journal.
Malignant is correct.I rarely use that term. It sounds like something you stepped in that won't wash off.
Lea, thank you for hearing me. It's awfully late and I really want you to rest. More specifics tomorrow. I hope this long story is help for someone. I'm worried about others in my position too. There have to be changes made to so many things like caregivers and the elderly in general. The statistics state that soon, the elderly population will double. That'll be us. With the state we're in now, I shudder to think.
I'll see you tomorrow. And thank you.🐰🌺🌷🌹💐💖🤗
I had taken a muscle relaxant because my back was hurting and apparently it hadn’t worn off at dinner time.
I was cooking cauliflower in my instapot that I have done a million times before and I couldn’t get it set to 5 minutes. So I got it set to 3 minutes and 57 seconds. Finally after about 15 or 20 minutes my husband says to me hasn’t 5 minutes gone by yet? You better shut the instapot off. Well I shut it off. It was mush. My husband came over to see what I set it on, I set it for 3 HOURS 57 MINUTES!!!! So we started over, my husband was helping me and he set the time for 5 minutes. All of a sudden the instapot beeps and it says food burned. So my husband opens it up and he says to me I thought you said you put the water in? I said I must have forgot!! So we started all over again!!!!
I told him the muscle relaxant must have made my brain foggy because that has never happened before!!!
I told him you’ll have to take care of me if I loose my mind. He said no, you’ll have to go into a facility. I told him well if you lose your mind first, YOUR going into a facility!!! He’s 64 and I’m 59.
--in a craggley, old school teacher voice---
"What did we learn today, dearie? That's right. Drugs and electronics don't mix. Well, unless you're DMT tripp'n to a kaleidescope screensaver."
Sometimes, I get a little concerned about that fictitious, ancient schoolteacher.
You, on the other hand, are fine, well at least for now. There's a very real thing called stress, (I think you're aquatinted with it.) That'll quickly turn your brain into ( Hey! The stuff in the magic pot is a great example) mush.
In 2007, my back was a complete, total wreck. My chiropractor ( rare, decent one) gave me 3 sample tabs of a muscle relaxer. The one that I took after work was relaxing enough. Good heavens! I felt like I was made of melting redvines candy. It also mushifies a brain.
I really don't think you're ready for the facility just yet and hopefully, by the time you and I and the rest of us need one, we'll have gotten it all straightened out or, at least, maybe we'll all end up in the same facility, cutting up and cracking bad jokes. Picture Golden Girls in their golden years.
That's actually making a pretty picture in my head. I have a house in Florida that's already elder/handicap enabled. When I'm done with it it will, indeed, have a "lanai".
Y'all stop me. I've got visions of sugarplums dancing in my head😆🤣
You hit the nail on the head about the narcissistic paranoia!!
My NM has accused me of colluding with with the Director of her ALF .
She calls me after I visit and wants to know what the aides and I talked about.
Just yesterday she asked me if I had called the management company she hired to find her an apartment.
It's exhausting to constantly and cautiously concentrate on filtering your words to your own Mom!
God bless you girl!! You're a Rock Star!!
And by the way, chicks who use power tools Rock and are inspirational!!😘
Jodi, my NM STILL thinks I'm withholding info from her about The Cure for neuropathy and making her suffer needlessly! Thanks for the vote of confidence MA! Appreciate it! She called last night, btw, to say she knows I'm 'mad at her' blah blah. I said Hey, YOU are the one who's mad at ME b/c I'm not taking you in to live with me, make no mistake! I spoke MY mind for a change and repeated that it's not a topic I'm willing to talk about again, that enough has been said on the subject already. She called again today to say how much pain she's in and how this time is the 'worst it's ever been' which is what she says every time. It's really sad that she can't tolerate ANY medication and that God keeps her alive to endure day after day of pain she can't tolerate. The Cymbalta did help but the staff couldn't deal with all of her falls and super amped up confusion, so she had to be taken off of it again. There's just no answer for her, except to take mild pain killers which take the edge off the nerve pain, but that's about it. I may suggest ice packs to them tomorrow, but I doubt she'd tolerate THAT either. Ice tends to numb the pain of sciatica for me so it may help her, but nothing seems to work. It's just sad to live to advanced old age and have to live with pain and dementia and and and.
Elaine, maybe you could've eaten that mushy cauliflower and called it mashed potatoes, huh? :) Muscle relaxers have a terrible effect on me, too.
Did you all see that NHWMs mother passed away this morning? It was peaceful and pain free and her brother was with her when she passed.
https://www.agingcare.com/discussions/update-on-my-mom-465860.htm
The thing is, you're making the choice to help her here, too. The next time she needs something done, tell her you can't possibly do that, but you're more than happy to help her find a SERVICE to hire. If she winds up doing it herself and getting hurt as a result, it's her own fault, not yours. Your mother needs to follow suit and both of you need to present a united front to the woman.
She can 'punish' you all she'd like by telling the family anything at all. Who cares? It's time to let grandma know neither you NOR your mother are going to be jumping through these hoops for her anymore and if she can't live independently in her home anymore, then she needs to look into senior living apartments. Or hire help and pay for it to stay 'independent' in her own home.
Enough is enough! If you keep propping her up, she'll continue the illusion she's perfectly fine on her own.
Make your mind up and then stand your ground with NO GUILT!
Welcome to our thread!
This is a safe place to ask, reply or offer advice!
I appreciate your commitment to helping your Mom.
And I understand how you feel the guilt of wanting to pack up and move away! You're not alone!!
Perhaps the best way of helping Mom is to have Grandma move into assisted living!
It's absolutely an agonizing decision, however, Grandma may actually be happier with all of the activities and new friends!
I had to choose between leaving my Aunt in her home of 43 years (alone with no means of help)
or ALF.
For what it's worth, I can't get my Aunt on the phone because she's never in her room! She busy all the time!!
Forgive me, but it seems as though your Mom is the one who needs help to push forward!
Your local Council on Aging may be able to give you advice!!
God bless!!
We're here for you!!
I have recently become a night owl (and an early worm)!
Even though I have "alone time " during the day, the house is bright and full of reminders of all the things I need to take care of!
I find when it's dark, the world gets much smaller! It's comforting!
My hubby is asleep and the house is quiet!
It's completely my time!!
That's when I finally feel at peace!!!
I pay for it with the bags under my eyes, but it's worth it to me!!😘